I’m in my garage, digging through a box of stuff, trying to find my Awful Green Things From Outer Space game.
I’m on the cold concrete floor, looking through the open box. I move aside some books and find my game. As I lift it out of the box, it reveals this Cadet Wesley Crusher action figure, just sitting there in the bottom of the box.
I look at him, wondering whether I should just look away and pretend that I didn’t see him, or take him out and say hello.
After an awkward silence, I pick him up and say, “Hey, how you doin’?”
He just stares back at me, silent and stoic from within his plastic cell.
I consider him for a moment and tell him, “you know, you look sort of cool in this uniform. You should have stuck around a bit longer, so you could have worn it more.”
He gives no response, and I pause a moment to admire his perfect hair. I run my hand through my own unwashed hair, and my fingers get thick with yesterday’s water wax. I wonder if his perfect hair still smells like Sebastian Shaper hairspray.
His eyes burn into mine, his blank stare mocking me, and I can’t take it any longer.
I put him back into the box, and as I’m about to put an unopened box of 1990 Topps NHL trading cards on him he says, “Wait!”
I lift up the box of cards, and he’s looking up at me, his smug confidence replaced with sadness.
“Hey, I don’t want to stay in this box any more. You gotta let me out.” His green eyes implore me to release him.
“Sorry, Wesley, but if I take you off of that card, you’re worthless.”
“Well, at least let me come sit on a shelf in your house! This box is cold and dark, and since you took out the Ren and Stimpy plush toys in December, there isn’t even anyone to talk to!”
I think of the years he and I spent together. I think back to our falling out, and I can’t believe that someone I was so close to has become such a stranger, and I know what I must do.
“You’re right, Wesley. You can’t stay in this box any longer. It’s just not right. I’m going to find you a new home. Someplace where you will have lots of other action figures to talk to, and maybe even a collectible plate or two.”
“You mean…you’re going to put me on eBay?”
“Yep.”
“No! You suck, Wheaton!”
“Shut up, Wesley.”
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I am afraid to ask, what exactly would a Spudnuts action-figure do?
And why is my Barbie in the corner whispering to my to Luke Skywalker figure?
Also, why is my post at the beginning?
Shut up Wil ! Man that was too good .Thats for the laugh .
Oops thats thanks ,I was still laughing .
HA!
Wil, if you still haven’t found your funny yet, I think you’re blind. I laughed so hard, I spit coffee on my brand new monitor.
Fraize
Woohoo! Finally a reason to register over at Ebay. Thanks, Wil!
Woohoo! Finally a reason to register over at Ebay. Thanks, Wil!
Very cool, I keep hoping to afford something from you Wil, maybe this time is the charm. Keep up the good work. Watch out for them talking dolls though. I mean action figures.
Yikes…I’m sorry, my computer is retarded today. I think the gunk under the enter key needs to be evicted finally.
Wil,
Keep up this ebay business and you will be able to retire!
Jessie
The unopened box of ’90 Topps NHL cards really caught my attention. I’m a horde.. err.. collector (yes, that’ll do) of hockey cards, would you be willing to put up the box on Ebay, or better yet just sell them straight to me? I’ll give you $5(Canadian) and a Landspeeder(Japanese Import) for them… if you are willing to seperate with them, lemme know. Thanks
Chris
Curses! Now I must go home get Awful Green Things out of the box (its hiding under the Ogre & GEV)and force someone to play it with me….
I heart the Comm Laser!
Okay, so why are you buying pictures of yourself? (She asks, after boredly looking to see how much that photo actually went for.)
Know that, even with an Uncle Willy moniker Sharpie’d on the package, the little Cadet may still escape his environs.
Somewhere out there, *hums to self* there is an Emperor Vir doll dancing with an Amidala doll on a bookshelf, while a Han Solo doll wears a Padme’ face while dancing with an Amidala-as-Handmaiden doll as an Ivanova doll looks on….
Cadet Wesley, meet Agent Scully….
You better post a warning on the auction that the doll is possesed! 😮
If you’re that short of money perhaps some candid Playgirl-style shots might be next to be auctioned.
Not that I’ve ever seen Playgirl, you understand, but I’ve heard it described and, well, you know …
Doesn’t it feel weird for you to have an action figure of yourself? I think it would freak me out…
Hi Wil…May I call you Wil? Wow,I feel oddly strange here in the land of OZ.Ive never been a Trekie or Treker but a casual watcher of the show [when it’s on I watch].I found your web site from an article written in the free local rag “The Mercury” here in Las Vegas.Ive got to admit I’ve always wondered what happened to you? I was taken by “SURPRISE” while visiting here this morning.While reading yesterdays post all of the sudden today’s post popped up.That means at exactly this moment you are in front of your computer just as I am,its like you walked in the room…WHOA! Im like all nervous and stuff LOL.Anyway,I just wanted to say hello and I look forward to following your site.Im going to go make a bid now on Ebay.
That’s fuuny Wil.
You should put it on ebay.
I can get it for my son Ryan.
He’s just know getting into Star Trek.
He’s 9 yrs old LOL!. I went through my boxes
in my garage 2 months ago and found all my
Stand By Me pics. I’d never part with those.
Mary Jo
Dude, keep it. You’ll want it someday.
Yo that was funny!
What did the original price sticker say? It looked like only $5.44. I couldn’t quite make it out. Looks like it was a sound investment.
How cold hearted you are! LoL
I have a couple of these, Jer.
It was originally 5.99, according to the tag.
Jesus Will! What were you thinking when you bid on those clippings of yourself? Were you trying to keep some weird person from getting his/her hands on it?
Good luck with the auction.
Ana
I made a Wil Wheaton doll out of a turnip and paperclips but this would be so much cooler.
By the way, nice cookies.
Um, Wil, it seems to me you are still very pissed about the whole Wesley thing and your falling out with the show. Getting rid of your Wesley action figure (like you don’t have a box of them?) seems like another exorcism of your Wesley past. I know you took the hate mail personally, (when I was younger and watching the show and Wes was skewered by the pig-thing with the spear in some Q episode, I remember cheering with the others watching with me. Yah, I was a dork then.) Now I am older, maybe still a dork – but an older dork – and am watching the shows again. And you know what? Wes doesn’t suck! Despite what people may have thought of Wes (not Wil, don’t confuse the two anyone.) you still played the role convincingly and very well. So I humbly take back my cheering from long ago and redirect it from Wes to Wil. You are a great inspiration Wil, even if you don’t know it, to many people. I think you should keep the action figure. I would if I were you.
Two cents: The author is not the words, and the actor is not the part.
How sure are you that it will stand next to other action figures at a strangers’ house? It might get stuck next to Nsync dolls…help us now!
Wow,
Only $5.99! Kind of dates it a little.
I must be getting really old!
Hmmm. I don’t know how I would feel if someone found it possible to construct my likeness out of a turnip and paperclips.
teehee!
Hrm. Funny, yet creepy at the same time. It’s those damn eyes that follow you everyplace…
Uhh…I have a few of these.
I’m not “exorcising” anything.
Relax, everyone. 🙂
maybe it’s just me but….isn’t it weird finding toys of yourself? or purchasing them for that matter?
it’s probably just me.
I say SELL IT ALL….shit, if someone would pay money for the “junk” in my basement/garage, I’d be an auctioning fool!
Ok, but don’t blame me when you find one of those little Wesley’s macking on the Mrs. 😉
Wow, already over $60! Go Wil!!
~Robin
Watch out how many things you autograph. Our former Prime Minister over here, Maggie Thatcher (of blessed memory), has reportedly signed so many copies of her autobiography that the unsigned ones are quite rare and therefore worth more…
j
Wil –
First, you know that I love you as much as the next “guy-who-watched-TNG-to-see-your-hot-mom-and-that-counsellor-chick-doing-aerobics-in-the-hollodeck,” but it kinda scares me that you had to buy your own action figure. Was Berman to cheap to buy everyone their own action figures? I suppose Playmates lost their shirts on the whole “Riker-without-beard” figure and forced everyone to buy their own.
Whatever the case, I’m gonna go bid on your little demonic likeness now. (See, I’m a sucker too.)
PS – if ya got that Ashley Judd action figure, I could really have some fun “displaying” them around the house.
Wil’s #1!
Steve
LOL! I love this site, but those last 4 lines are seriously the funniest thing ever! (for today at least 😉 )
Hey, if it’s got the price ticket on it, does that mean you actually went in to a store and bought it?
Were they surprised you were purchasing yourself?
Wil, I seriously think all the fresh air you are getting from geocaching is going to your head! I think you just need to sit around and relax for a while. It’ll do you the world of good.
Talk about neat Wesley Crusher figures, check THIS out!
Wesley Crusher Prototype Figure
Lemme guess: the car was running with the garage door closed while you were in there. 😉
Great update!
whoops, try this
http://cgi.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&item=1732631911
Saaaaayy, I wonder if I can take my “Data” action figure and auction it off. I can even attempt to fake up a Spiner autograph and include a couple of photos of me doing it so people could know the authenticity of my forgeries.
I could maybe make $5.99 or so.
I just hope that my likeness never gets turned into an action figure (well maybe a GI Joe… AFSOC Pararescue… Nah…) I don’t think I could handle it. Nice prose.
Hey Wil, I love how you made a story out of this. You are so cool!
You’re a silly, silly man, mister.
“No! You suck, Wheaton!”
GENIUS.
Odd… If you have more of them, how did this particular one end up exiled in the garage? Was he the one going around saving the Land Rover and other toys all the time so that the rest of the Wesleies just kicked him off the island? Did he have glasses and eat all the food? Or did he just explore the next level in action figure consciousness and eventually get ditched by the Traveller action figure?
Hmmm… Interesting link Mr. Berry. Get this, the lister says about it:
“The card is UNPUNCHED and STRESS FREE!”
Notice how he DOESN’T say that the Wesley FIGURE itself is unpunched and stress free. It must therefore not be genuine.
I just checked last month’s phone records for my Blue Hawaii Elvis (http://www.mcphee.com/bigindex/current/M5788.html) and I notice several suspiciously long and frequent calls from a “W. Crusher Mint-in-box, Glendale.”
I HAVE noticed that the action figure background chatter has been up lately and I frankly think the little fuckers are planning something.
Watch your back.