Mirror, Mirror

I’m in my garage, digging through a box of stuff, trying to find my Awful Green Things From Outer Space game.
I’m on the cold concrete floor, looking through the open box. I move aside some books and find my game. As I lift it out of the box, it reveals this Cadet Wesley Crusher action figure, just sitting there in the bottom of the box.
I look at him, wondering whether I should just look away and pretend that I didn’t see him, or take him out and say hello.
After an awkward silence, I pick him up and say, “Hey, how you doin’?”
He just stares back at me, silent and stoic from within his plastic cell.
I consider him for a moment and tell him, “you know, you look sort of cool in this uniform. You should have stuck around a bit longer, so you could have worn it more.”
He gives no response, and I pause a moment to admire his perfect hair. I run my hand through my own unwashed hair, and my fingers get thick with yesterday’s water wax. I wonder if his perfect hair still smells like Sebastian Shaper hairspray.
His eyes burn into mine, his blank stare mocking me, and I can’t take it any longer.
I put him back into the box, and as I’m about to put an unopened box of 1990 Topps NHL trading cards on him he says, “Wait!”
I lift up the box of cards, and he’s looking up at me, his smug confidence replaced with sadness.
“Hey, I don’t want to stay in this box any more. You gotta let me out.” His green eyes implore me to release him.
“Sorry, Wesley, but if I take you off of that card, you’re worthless.”
“Well, at least let me come sit on a shelf in your house! This box is cold and dark, and since you took out the Ren and Stimpy plush toys in December, there isn’t even anyone to talk to!”
I think of the years he and I spent together. I think back to our falling out, and I can’t believe that someone I was so close to has become such a stranger, and I know what I must do.
“You’re right, Wesley. You can’t stay in this box any longer. It’s just not right. I’m going to find you a new home. Someplace where you will have lots of other action figures to talk to, and maybe even a collectible plate or two.”
“You mean…you’re going to put me on eBay?”
“Yep.”
“No! You suck, Wheaton!”
“Shut up, Wesley.”

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214 thoughts on “Mirror, Mirror”

  2. holy! that was the funniest thing ive heard all week! honestly! although, i could be influenced by the extra strength tylenol cold medication that im on right now…but i dont care…that is damn funny! i enjoy the fact that wil talks to his action figures…and that they talk back…especially since its an action figure of himself…
    id like one of those you know…well, one of me…but then, id have to get a tv show…but it would have to be a show that would warrant an action figure…like, i wouldnt get one if i were on the gilmore girls, for example…it would have to be like dark angel or something…oh yeah
    sall i gotta say
    oh and i liked the pants thing from the other day, but i dont ahve time to do another post…so just know that youre the funniest guy on the planet wil! besides the guy who came up with “sudsy ammonia!” honestly…i have no clue! it just makes it sound perky, like a childs toy or something (i am not making this up)

  3. The Wil said: “He gives no response, and I pause a moment to admire his perfect hair. I run my hand through my own unwashed hair, and my fingers get thick with yesterday’s water wax.”
    Dude, trade that action figure in for some shampoo and conditioner. 280 bucks buys a lot of Suave.
    Seriously, I loved the post… you’re a funny funny guy.

  4. So, here’s the thing. Wil spends 5 dollars on Teen Beat/Tiger Beat type 80s propaganda. He then hides it in a box in the basement. 6 weeks later he posts here about finding the Teen Magazine photos in the basement and offers to sell them on ebay with his autograph for the low low price of $200 per picture. This is capitalism at its finest!
    Kind of reminds me of when I sold that beanie baby for $125. Suckers!

  5. AGTFOS! That brought back some excellent memories. Oh, to be a junior high school nerd with few worries except whether to play Snit’s Revenge or Search for the Emperor’s Treasure. I miss those days.

  6. That would have been a splendid idea Gette, except for a few things:
    1. Not everyone hears voices, like our pal Wil Wheaton.
    2. Something like what happened in his story may be misconstrued and lack thereof may be perceived as breach of contract. IE, the purchaser may figure that since the Wesley Crusher character was never heard from after the whole Expanding His Mind episode, he may have somehow crossed over the alternate planes of existence and become trapped in this particular Wesley Crusher action figure. When this figure was finally found, years later by former portrayer Wil Wheaton, he had nearly forgotton the situation, and before he could remember it and illuminate said former portrayer, Wil cut him off and listed him on eBay.
    3. The potential buyer may take the story as legitimate and feel it his obligation and cosmic duty to free the Wesley Crusher soul forever trapped in the sealed and signed Wesley Crusher action figure.
    4. I mean, come on! Wasn’t that YOUR first reaction??

  7. Mmmm ….if there is someone REALLY ready to pay so much money for that toy I think this “someone” is up to a voodoo affair…be careful ! 🙂

  8. I Want a bobble tit doll of Jolene Blalock.. I would never stop playing with.. it!!
    Hey I saw the season finale of enterprise last night.. good stuff. GREAT ending.. almost as good as Picard getting kidnapped..
    word?

  9. It’s at $285?
    I wish I had that kind of money to burn, no offence Wil, but you’re not THAT wonderful that I’d buy the thing…

  11. OOOOOh you should have taken the doll out of it’s package on your webcam and make people cry.
    NRFP (have you seen that episode of Dexter’s Lab?)

  12. Hmmm… I wonder if that bobble weenie would have a short production run.

  15. Cookie, I’m sure Wil would be chuffed to see you defending the size of his… run.

  17. I am sitting here at work, bored, going through WWDN (Wil With Drawl Now)…. I need a new post… can barely type…hands shaking…. :0)

  18. wow. that was funny. no really! I’m serious! I have a posse too so that’s cool. I told my friends about your web site and they all started laughing and still went to the site. They said it was lame. I said they could all burn in hell. I think you’re funny. my ex’s name was wesley and I can’t stand him. I wish I could put him on ebay. well I’ll stop waisting your time by making you read this.
    keep up the good work and tell the family we love them.

  21. All of these Jessie’s around here is going to get confusing…..I have to look at me email address to know who I am anymore…

  22. Too many Jessie’s makes for a confusing thread….I don’t even know which one is me anymore…

  24. either that or all of my various personalities wanted it worded their way, im not sure which…too bad none of my alternate personas live in an action figure, i could get rich.

  25. Hey Wil x x x
    Im I the only one who doesnt want you to sell the doll?
    Im sorry but Im one of those strong believers of throwing away things from ya past – that doll was a part of u man! U can never get that thing back now! Im so sad I keep everything but thats the way it should be!
    Keep up with the good work wil! When u gonna write that book I told u about??? WE DEMAND A BOOK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
    byeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
    P.S. And no Im not sore about not being able to afford the action figure! *quietly sobbin to myself* have u seen how much that things reached man – god your popular x x x x x

  28. wil: i freak when i see my picture in the paper…i can only imagine the “twilight zone” moment it must have been to see a tiny plastic image of yourself after all these years…you gotta get rid of it wil…before it starts taking over your life!…one day you’re a respected actor, standup comic, and worldwide blogger…and the next you’re on qvc pitching your own cosmetic line…sell the damn thing now! d.burr

  29. Hmmmm… I wonder how much I could get for my Stand By Me action figures. Whaddaya think? I should be able to get a lot for my River Phoenix doll.
    Oh… and lets not forget the “Lard Ass” Pie Eating Playset with Projectile Vomit included.
    Man, I’m gona be rich!!!

  30. LoL!
    Wil talking to his action figure is hilarous. =D
    I should’ve found this site sooner, Wil’s humor is unbelievably funny, which sort of scares me, since I used to watch TNG and never noticed Wes crack a joke.
    Oh yeah, and Wes was a cool character, way underrated. *wonders why so many people disliked him. Damns the writers.*
    Despite the fact this sounds geeky, I can’t wait for Wil’s next post. It reads like a journal, except it’s funny and not full of angsty crap that I’m forced to wade through everyday.
    Yay! Go Wil and his sense of humor! Hurrah for talking action figures that are going for 300+ dollars right now!

  31. Mmmm…. rich SJG goodness. I always found I could never stop playing Globbo though…

  32. Mmmm…. rich SJG goodness. I always found I could never stop playing Globbo though…

  33. I think our dear Mr. Wheaton is somewhere lost in space, haha. Don’t go toward the light……come back to us…. oh I guess that was just my senseless lame attempt at humor, what can I say, and no Wheaton, haha.

  34. that picture on ebay brings back memories of toys ‘r’ us and some rather complex storylines invovling TNG characters, polly pockets (you do the math for the size factor), and sometimes (under duress, i’d like to believe) barbies… ah to be ten again. one thing about the star trek characters, which i never considered “action figures” probably because of my lack of a y chromosome, is that even now they don’t seem like exploitation or commercialization to me. they are, but when i was a kid it was all about imagination and appreciation of the show, and i still can’t look at them as money-makers for big corporations.
    so wtf are you all doing bidding hundreds of dollars on the damn thing?! 😉
    enjoy nonetheless.

  38. not that i do, i mean…
    hey wil you’re just avoiding a new post to see if you can set a record for number of comments, aren’t you? aren’t you?!
    😛

  41. Heh. I think someone other than Jane is sick and twisted.
    Going after the Awful Green Things, eh? Bonus points for knowing who Captain Yid is, and why he’s such a stud. 🙂

  42. $305! but only 192 comments! C’mon, we’ve got 7 hours before the auction closes: let’s see if we can get to 305 comments before then…

  45. Hey Wil,
    Look out for Asia Carrera if you go to E3. She’s a gamer, didya know that?
    Actually…the last post you did might be a movie she would be interested in….

  47. Holy shitballs slummin on the Flickerstick Van.
    I can’t go and prepare for the biggest geek weekend in Central Ohio without checkn’ in with Uncle Willy.
    And now…
    well…
    I don’t think I’ll be able to keep a straight face all weekend specially if I go past a Wesely Doll in the Dealer’s Room.
    If you’re in the area come check out MARCON
    At the Hyatt Regency/Convention Center in Downtown Columbus, OH.
    And I’ll be the one playing Changeling as a Fae Jedi Padawan or hanging at my Cosplay- event booth (near Registration).
    Woops.. need to go- my Jango Fett pez guy is asking for more Beam.
    Spudnuts- wish you were here for I have 3 words for ya:
    Charity Slave Action
    cha!
    -MKF

  48. Yes, the real wil is at E3.
    Can someone please tell me what the hell that is??
    I’m thinking I slept through another meeting!

  49. $305. So, its the excitement of Wil’s personalized autograph, right? Because I bought this same figure and some store that doesn’t exist anymore for about 7 bucks. Ok, if I had the money I admit I would pay as much (or more) for a personalized autograph from Wil Wheaton. Unfortunately, the organization I borrowed from to buy my car & that other organization I borrowed from to go to college each expect some money from me in the next few days.

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