Epitaph

Spudnuts is a familiar name to the regular WWDN reader.
He makes me, and everyone else, laugh and think, and laugh some more.
He also types in this form.
That.
Is.
Very.
Unique.
Well. I recently read something he wrote, and asked him if I could post it here, because I thought it was really cool.
Quoth Spudnuts:

I have this thing for cemeteries. Always have. I’m not morbid or goth or anything. They usually are just scenic, empty, and verdant.
But I always notice the generic script that accompanies even the most flamboyant tombstone. It makes no sense. Surely, there must have been some cut-ups, clowns, subversives, eccentrics, mavericks, firebrands, freakshows, or just someone who wants MORE on their grave than…
“Died in Troutdale.”
What is so fucking sacred about a tombstone that you can’t be shocked or amused when you happen upon the burial site of some HUMAN?
Jesus.
It’s like being interred at the Christian Science Reading Room, laundry mat, or DMV.
So…
INSTITUTIONAL and sterile.
Then…
Who knows?
Maybe only the boring ones actually get a gravestone. All the interesting ones had their ashes scattered from a hangglider over Euro Disney.
Two years ago, I wrote down about fifty variations I would like on my tombstone. Here are a couple of the better ones…
— Caucasian. Gamer. Hermaphrodite.
— He was better than you
— It’s fucking dark in here
— Buried with a big sack of emeralds. No, really.
— Secret agent
— He owned a television
— He was kind of funny in an annoying sort of way
— RIP BFD
— He went straight to Hell
— Feeds upon the blood of the Irving
— He is in space now
— Deposit urine here
— He neglected his colon
— Yet another dead guy
— He was full of shit

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184 thoughts on “Epitaph”

  1. I don’t think I can argue a word of that… NOTHING is so sacred that it can’t be taken with a bit of humor. And if it is, there’s probably something wrong with it.

  6. I used to work at a cemetery, digging graves. And they are some of the most beautiful pieces of land around. So many flowers,trees,statues,and very quiet. you look around at all the headstones and realize someday you’ll be there too. everything is neatly trimmed and the grass so green. It’s like a park. cemeteries are beautiful and kind of freaky also.

  9. When I first saw the title of today’s entry, I thought someone had died. Then I read a little further and you were talking about Spudnuts! Arrrgh! Don’t do that to people!
    *breathe*
    *breathe*
    Spudnuts is okay… and still funny. Phew.

  10. In Richmond Virginia at Hollywood Cemetery there is a tombstone which reads…”I told you that my foot was killing me” Which is just so funny. Than there is this Civil War soldier who kept marrying his cousins. He was married four times. All of which was documented on his grave slab.

  12. I was always partial to this inscription on a tombstone:
    “Hey Kid! Yeah, you! Steal this tombstone and hide it in your room to impress your friends!”

  13. To truly appreciate Spudnuts,
    you gotta go to Bobby the Mat’s
    site and hear the spoken word of the masters posts.
    Is that okay Wil?

  15. I dunno Spuds, I think “Died in Troutdale,” is pretty fucking hilarious… I mean, how sad do you have to be to be buried there??

  16. I love the “Ask Me About Herbalife!
    These are all great. We should see more like these on headstones. Why does death have to be such a morbid and serious thing??
    how about “I MET WIL WHEATON” I kinda like that one 😀 or “I was part of Wils posse”
    Lisa Marie

  18. I love ya, Spudnuts. You’re always making me laugh. And thanks, Wil, for posting it. I’m having a really terrible day, and this really helps out.

  19. November 2nd is ‘Plan Your Epitaph Day’
    From the web site:
    Dedicated to the proposition that a forgettable gravestone is a fate worse than death. You too can be in a league with —
    William Shakespeare:
    “…Curst be he that moves my bones.”
    and W.C. Fields:
    “On the whole, I’d rather be in Philadelphia.”
    http://www.hardiehouse.org/epitaph/planhome.html

  20. From something I wrote once…
    This lived I’ve loved, it’s known no equal…
    But I guarantee there’ll be no sequel…

  24. Ahh, yes… Death. Speaking of dead people, I was just thinking about the late Peter Cushing, star of many, many films, including Top Secret!, which, incidentally, was released on DVD today in widescreen format! That’s right! Top Secret! is now available on DVD! The greatest non-Wheaton movie ever made! Top Secret! Buy it now! Relive your favorite scenes, over and over, in breathtaking widescreen format! Top Secret!
    😉

  27. “Sorry, I’m not in at the moment… I’ve actually been scattered over the ocean… please leave your flowers to rot or be stolen, and no one will be getting back to you. Thanks, and have a great day!”

  28. “..too many word’s…not enough time.”
    THAT is WHAT it will say on MR.Nuts tombstone!
    (or he wanted pepperoni!)

  31. “It was the Salmon Mousse!”
    For those who enjoyed the Meaning of Life, another great non Wil movie.

  32. Wil,
    Thanks for another great laugh for the day it was going pretty bad until then. Here is one “If the diet would have worked I wouldn’t be here”.
    anyway going for now also enjoyed your last post but no air conditioning must be a rough one. Until your next post.
    Matt.

  33. LONG LIVE SPUDNUTS!
    For a life without Spudnuts, is not a life at all.
    “Ask me about Herbalife!”
    I was rolling man, truly rolling… Good times…
    And for the person who also initially thought Spudnuts was gone, I was right there with you. Way too scary to think about though.
    Bobby the Mat, I hope you tackle this one next.
    Back to lurkin,
    Headra

  34. My ideal tombstone:
    5′ high slab of black marble, 1:4:9. Blank, except for one thing: in 12pt gold lettering, slightly off centre and not quite level, the single word “Bugger.”
    With the inverted commas and the full stop.
    To be erected precisely two-thirds of the way up Ben Nevis. And then bury me at sea.

  35. How about…
    “Don’t worry, it’s just a flesh wound.”
    or
    “This parrot’s not dead!”
    hey, did anyone else realize it’s Corey Feldman’s Birthday…?

  37. The best one I ever heard of, and the one I want on mine is: “We always warned her one of her childish tricks would backfire.”

  40. “They Gov. told me it wasnt contagious”
    “They told me they had a cure”
    Stop looking at me!
    I can see your underwear.
    Trust me, don’t die with an itch.
    By the time you finish reading this, there will be less of me.
    “I ate too many shaq packs”

  42. “Keep laughing. Someone will be reading yours next Tuesday.”
    “It’s all fun and games until someone loses an I.”
    “Mikey wasn’t the only one who liked it.”
    “Yeah, I’m dead, but you’re still ugly.”
    “You’re standing on my unit.”
    and…
    “I’m not really dead, I’m just tired of all you silly fucks.”

  43. Last words of some corporal in the Civil War: “Don’t worry, there’s no possible way they can hit us at this dist—”
    That would be good on a tombstone.
    A green moldy tombstone with letters too big to fit on it.
    Actually, in truth, my response is this: “Speak for yourself, sir. I plan to live forever.”

  45. “Feeds upon the blood of the Irving”!?!?!! Oh, my god! Not Irving!
    I don’t get it. Shouldn’t that be, “Feeds upon the blood of the living”? I’m missing something, aren’t I?

  47. Oh, you are KIDDING me. I’m so not worthy these days 🙂 But it sounds just like Hob… anyway, thanks for the smack. Maybe I should start watching tv again…

  48. “Told you I’d live forever or die trying.”
    Of course, there’s the old standby: “I drank what?”
    Or “Y’all watch this.”
    I want two stones, side-by-side, touching. On the bigger stone it says, “He never did plan ahe”, and on the second stone, “ad.”
    Bitch about the A/C. They tell us we don’t need A/C in Crestline. Great, it’s 102 outside and 98 inside. Thanks guys.

  49. “Died tragically while saving his family from a destroyed sinking Battleship.”
    Taken from Royal Tenenbaums btw

  50. how many trekkers are gonna have “s/he’s dead, jim” on their tombstone? i’m surprised that nobody has posted that here yet!

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