Epitaph

Spudnuts is a familiar name to the regular WWDN reader.
He makes me, and everyone else, laugh and think, and laugh some more.
He also types in this form.
That.
Is.
Very.
Unique.
Well. I recently read something he wrote, and asked him if I could post it here, because I thought it was really cool.
Quoth Spudnuts:

I have this thing for cemeteries. Always have. I’m not morbid or goth or anything. They usually are just scenic, empty, and verdant.
But I always notice the generic script that accompanies even the most flamboyant tombstone. It makes no sense. Surely, there must have been some cut-ups, clowns, subversives, eccentrics, mavericks, firebrands, freakshows, or just someone who wants MORE on their grave than…
“Died in Troutdale.”
What is so fucking sacred about a tombstone that you can’t be shocked or amused when you happen upon the burial site of some HUMAN?
Jesus.
It’s like being interred at the Christian Science Reading Room, laundry mat, or DMV.
So…
INSTITUTIONAL and sterile.
Then…
Who knows?
Maybe only the boring ones actually get a gravestone. All the interesting ones had their ashes scattered from a hangglider over Euro Disney.
Two years ago, I wrote down about fifty variations I would like on my tombstone. Here are a couple of the better ones…
— Caucasian. Gamer. Hermaphrodite.
— He was better than you
— It’s fucking dark in here
— Buried with a big sack of emeralds. No, really.
— Secret agent
— He owned a television
— He was kind of funny in an annoying sort of way
— RIP BFD
— He went straight to Hell
— Feeds upon the blood of the Irving
— He is in space now
— Deposit urine here
— He neglected his colon
— Yet another dead guy
— He was full of shit

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184 thoughts on “Epitaph”

  1. Beautiful.
    You know, I can’t read Spudnuts anymore without Rob’s voice in my head!

  2. HAAAA!! This post is funny and I love the other ideas people here are coming up with! Thanks, everyone. My day was sad and I needed to smile. 🙂

  3. [unfunny stupid spur-of-the-moment phrase=1] The old standby would be, “Death is Mother Nature’s way of telling you to slow down.” Mine’ll read, “As soon as I talk to Death, you’re next.” [\unfunny stupid spur-of-the-moment phrase]

  4. “Dont look at me like that, it could be worse I could be dea…. awww crap”

  5. my tombstone…..
    “ummmm, someone call a backhoe! I’m not really dead!!! HELP!!!!!!”
    Oughta keem em goin’ for awhile.

  7. how about….now this is from an old commercial if you remember it.
    “THAT WASNT PACE PICANTE SAUCE”

  8. hey it’s not just the tombstones…the whole death industry is just nuts!…dead bodies embalmed, perfectly preserved, dressed, complete with makeup!…the ultimate case of all dressed up with no place to go!…like a hundred years from now there’s gonna be some kind of beauty pageant for corpses…and after what they’ve done excavating the native american burial grounds, you just know they’ll dig us all up later and put in a new subdivision!…and we’ll have no choice but to get our revenge as marauding poltergeist! save time, save money…it’s shake and bake for me…and dump my ashes in the nearest significant body of water…d.burr

  11. –His friends jumped off a cliff.
    –These worms tickle!
    –He thought he was going to be cryogenically frozen.
    –I dare you to say my name three times.

  13. “Here lies Larry New, living proof of man’s mortality.”
    Or maybe something simple, no birth and death dates, just my name and pager number.

  14. “look out behind you”
    “your message here … call 1-800…”
    “Here may be found the last words of Joseph of Arimathea. He who is valiant and pure of spirit may find the Holy Grail in the Castle of aaaaagggh”
    “they really mean it when they say ‘don’t touch that'”

  15. ok ok ok i know ive posted like A MILLION TIMES….but i was sitting here and i thought of the best one….
    GUESS WHAT MOVIE THIS IS FROM? HAHAHAHAH
    “You guys wanna go see a dead body?”
    Thats whats going on mine……….after my FAV. MOVIE & SOUNDTRACK OF ALL TIME 🙂
    Lisa Marie

  18. “I see dead people. Do you?”
    I know its kind of stolen, but I thought it was kind of funny. And I know, enough with the kind of’s.

  19. Being an AD&D fan I think that they should be represented here as well.
    — I punch the demon.
    –Come on guys, I have 99% magic resistance! I’ll center the fireball on myself. What could -possibly- go wrong?
    –What what that *ka-chunk* sound when you unlocked the door?
    –I’m positive, there are no TRAPS in the room.
    –Stupid Wight.
    Onto other things.
    I know when I die, I want things to be fun. I’m going to have a video at my will reading that will likley crack everyone up…well, that’s the plan anyways, if they don’t laugh, it’ll be their own fault.
    I’m not sure what my epithaph would say…maybe “What would you like your epitaph to say?”
    eh. still thinking..but it’ll be fun…mark my words, twain.

  21. Curse you all! I’m laughing so hard right now, I’m crying!
    And now for something completely different; my additions to the list:
    -(Stolen from a Simpsons Halloween Special) Lose weight now! Ask me how!
    -Stick around. I’m not goin’ anywhere for a while.
    -I told you I was feelin’ kinda dead.
    -No solicitors.
    -Never put off until tomorrow what you can do today. I’m non-living proof.
    -If you owed me money, I plan on haunting you.
    -If I owed you money, you can pry it from my cold, dead hand.
    Thank you! I’m here til Thursday!

  22. How about a rhyme, Spud?
    ‘Here lies Fred, now he’s dead.’
    ‘This is some guts, it used to be spud’s’
    ‘Here lies Spudnut all alone, very slender, nothing but bone.’
    Or
    and this is one of my favorites,
    translated from dutch
    “this dead guy here is very lame, he went before he came’
    Or do you think that’s stupid? I dont’ know.

  23. I must admit, there are many great comments found
    here..
    I’m Dead Jim. being 1 of the best…
    how about?,
    been there, done that.

  26. Spike Milligan (the late British comedian) has “I told you I was sick” on his gravestone.
    That’s class.

  28. I’m planning on being cremated, packed into fireworks, and shot over the ocean. I feel the need to go out with a bang.

  29. stolen from d.burr… “all dressed up and no place to go”
    Dee, I like your idea. I wonder if we can convince anyone to actualy do that. Fireworks by Grucci presents: “The Goddess” (ooh’s and aah’s from the crowd)

  30. ..uhh..”nice” ideas. I dreamt once that i dead! it was…incredibal. I was so calm, and sad becouse I left my family…! But I don’t afraid to die now!!:)) (just the pian)

  31. “Living is over-rated, try it from this side”
    “I found this Epitaph on WWDN”
    migster

  32. Personally, my favorite has always been the one that’s supposedly on Benjamin Franklin’s tombstone. I don’t honestly know if it really says this, but the idea of it makes me giggle.
    “Here lies worm food.”

  34. “Just because you’re not paranoid, doesn’t mean they AREN’T out to get you…”
    “I guess you CAN have too much chocolate!”
    “Listen to your mother when she says ‘put on clean underwear before leaving the house'”
    “Could somebody feed my cat?”

  36. My Sister-in-law didn’t go for an epitaph, but she had the Federation emblem lasered in color onto my brother’s headstone. He would have loved it. Of course, the eulogy given by the minister was bizarre. not knowing my brother other than that he was a huge Trek fan, and that Spock was his favorite character, and that my brother did NOT want a sermon, he ended up bringing up moral messages from Trek and then saying that Jesus was a trekkie too based on those principles. (he just had to sneak that in) It was funny as hell, and I think my brother was laughing about it somewhere. We sure were.

  39. In regards to “The Ballad of Verna and Barry”:
    I apologize in advance for any spiritual, emotional, physical, neurological, osteopathic, obstetrical, or matriarchal damage the listener suffers. At the very least, it will certainly make you want to die…so you might not have time to generate an epitaph.

  40. Hahaha I found “He was kind of funny in an annoying sort of way” kind of funny. 🙂

  41. More rpging last words (hmm… should start a thread…)
    “So, you Amazons are lesbians?”
    “Thank God we got away from those vampires… what’s all this mist in here?”
    *player passes note to GM* “God, we’re screwed now.”
    … that’s it for now.
    I love you, Spudnuts.

  42. i like the oldie but goodie….
    it wasn’t the cough that carried me off it was the coffin they carried me off in!
    but thats not too funny….Spikes’ my favourite…
    how about – i said cut the red wire – one for bdu…
    or – guess what i left you nothing…..nothing!! haha.
    or – i screwed your sister….
    sorry getting a bit sick now.. long day at work!
    xx a xx

  44. Some gaming variations that actually happened(7th Sea, In Nomine, Call of Cthulhu)
    – Theres only one of them. How tough can it be?
    – So, your Cain, huh? As in Cain and Abel? Your a pussy.
    – Just chuck both of them in the circle! It won’t make any differance to the ritual!
    – Are you a cultist?
    – Hey there big boy, fancy a shag? Whats your name, Neil Otep? (nyarlathotep)
    – thats a mighty fine pole you have there.
    – “I charge the army of Deep Ones”
    – “Who needs sanity points? Ive got a shotgun!”
    – Dont mind me, im just here to steal this here relic.
    -Don’t be silly, sea serpents are myths.
    – Hes just wearing that sword for show.
    Heres my favorite. I’d have this on my grave.
    “Oh shit. I left the gas on.”

  45. “Can’t say I didn’t enjoy it”
    or
    “She hated Scrappy-Doo”
    But I am not being buried. I am being cremated and I want my ashes thrown at people I did not like.

  46. SPudnutz is one funny gentleman.
    How about
    –Died for our sins.
    –Died dead dude.
    –thank god I don’t have to see you all anymore
    –If I didn’t die now I would have killed myself anyway
    –Life sucks and so do I
    –Osama Shot me
    –Death becomes me
    As I sit here at work bored off my ass. I think of my Spudz and fondle myself under the table.

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