Reflections- Artificial Sweetener

Sometimes we know in our bones what we really need to do, but we’re afraid to do it.
Taking a chance, and stepping beyond the safety of the world we’ve always known is the only way to grow, though, and without risk there is no reward.
Thoughts like this have weighed heavily on me for the last year or so, as I look around and reassess my life.
This past year has involved more self-discovery and more change than any so far in my life. It’s been tumultuous, scary, exhilarating, depressing, thrilling, joyful.
I’ve realized recently that I have changed dramatically since I started this website. When it began just over a year ago, I was very adrift, terrified that the Internet would tear me apart.
Well, it did, and it turns out that was a great thing. The Internet kicked my ass, and it forced me to find strength within myself, and to not derive my sense of self-worth from the opinions of others.
This website has introduced me to amazing people, weird people, scary people. This website, and many people who read it, has also helped me figure out what is important to me in my life, what makes me happy.
I guess the feeling has been building for a long time, and I knew it was there, but I wasn’t willing to acknowledge it. It was –is– scary. It’s a major change in my life, but I can’t ignore it, and to ignore it is to ignore myself, and cheat myself out of what I think my real potential is.
Back in the middle of May, I was asked to do this commercial. Well, not just a commercial, more of an infomercial, really. My first reaction was, “No way. Infomercials are death to an actor’s career.”
But then I thought about the last few years of my life as an actor. The daily frustrations. Losing jobs for stupid, capricious, unfair reasons.
I looked back and saw that it really started when my friend Roger promised me a role in Rules of Attraction, then yanked it away from me without so much as a phonecall or email or anything. Then there was the roller coaster of Win Ben Stein’s Money, and missing family vacations so I could stay home and go on auditions that all ended up being a huge waste of my time.
Throughout this time, this painful, frustrating Trial, I began to write more and more. It’s all here on WWDN. I can see my writing style change, as I find my voice, and figure out what I want to say, and how I want to say it.
The emails changed, too. People stopped asking me to do interviews for them about Star Trek, and started asking me if I’d conrtibute to their magazines, or weblogs, or books.
When this phonecall came for the infomercial, I took a long walk, and assessed my life.
The bottom line was: They were offering to pay me enough to support my family for the rest of this year. I wouldn’t have to worry about bills anymore. I wouldn’t have to view each audition as This One Big Chance That I Can’t Screw Up.
Accepting it would mean some security for me and my family. It was also a really cool computer-oriented product (which I’ll get to later, don’t worry). It’s not like I would be hawking “The Ab-Master 5000” or “Miracle Stain Transmogrifier X!”
It would also mean, to me at least, the end of any chance I had of ever being a really major actor again. That elusive chance to do a film as good as, or better than Stand By Me or a TV series as widely-watched as TNG would finally fall away.
I thought of all these things, walking Ferris through my neighborhood.
It was a long walk.
I thought of Donald Crowhurst.
I thought about why actors –and by actors I mean working, struggling actors like myself, not Big Time Celebrities like I was 15 years ago– suffer the indignities of auditions and the whims of Hollywood.
I remembered something I said to a group of Drama students just before their graduation: “If you want to be a professional actor, you have to love the acting, the performing, the thrill of creating a character and giving it life. You have to love all of that more than you hate how unfair the industry is, more than the constant rejection –and it is constant– hurts. You must have a passion within you that makes it worthwhile to struggle for years while pretty boys and pretty girls take your parts away from you again and again and again.”
I listened to my words, echoing off the linoleum floor of that High School auditorium, and realized that those words, spoken long ago were as much for me as they were for them.
I listened to my words and I realized: I don’t have that passion any more. I simply isn’t there.
I am no longer willing to miss a family vacation, or a birthday, or a recital, for an audition.
I am no longer willing to humiliate myself for some casting director who refuses to accept the fact that I’m pretty good with comedy.
I am no longer willing to ignore what I’m best at, and what I love the most, because I’ve spent the bulk of my life trying to succeed at something else.
So I walked back to my house, picked up the phone, and accepted the offer.
It was tumultuous, scary, exhilarating, depressing, thrilling, joyful.
I would spend the next three weeks wondering if I’d made the right decision. I would question and doubt it over and over again.
Was it the right decision? I don’t know.
Things have certainly changed for me, though. I have had 3 auditions since May. A year ago that would have killed me, but I’m really not bothered by it now.
I’ve made my family my top priority, and decided to focus on what I love: downloading porn.
Just kidding.
I’ve decided to focus on what I really love, what is fulfilling, maybe even what I am meant to do, in the great cosmic sense: I am writing.
I write every day, and I see the faint outlines of something really cool. I occasionally catch glimpses of an ability, unrefined, long-ignored, coming to life.
Sometimes we know in our bones what we really need to do, but we’re afraid to do it.
Taking a chance, and stepping beyond the safety of the world we’ve always known is the only way to grow, though, and without risk there is no reward.
Risk was always one of my favorite games.
Tomorrow: Why Creation Cut Me From The 15th Anniversary of TNG Convention, and Why It’s a Good Thing.

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233 thoughts on “Reflections- Artificial Sweetener”

  1. Actors have come back from far worse. I think as long as you keep your integrity in regards to the product, you’ll be fine. Good luck with your future endeavors.

  2. Wil, I just wanted to say good luck with everything. Life is short and we should do what makes us happy. Good for you, Wil.

  3. Great decision Wil! Although NO ONE’s opinion of it ultimately matters, remember that the only people who will ridicule it are those so pathetic that they need to make “washed up” pronouncements as often as possible to keep their minds off their own lack of significance.

  4. Wil, there is a point where we need to look at what we want to do with our life. To focus on things that are important to us and our family. My wife always says

  5. What thighmaster, cookware, Ron Popiel thing will you be selling Wil? Do tell we would love to know. I for one can’t say I followed you whole career through STTNG, I pretty much quit watching when they killed of Tasha Yar.. how can you boot the woman with the biggist boobies off the show? — Ludicrous.

  6. I’m glad to see an actor finally taking his family before himself. Something I always believed is that if you were meant to do, or have, something, it didn’t matter what happened between points A & B, you’d end up there anyways.
    It may be scary (i know, i’m doing it myself right now), but making the choice that’s best for your future is better than making the choice that’s best for right now.
    You kick ass Wil, and I love your site.

  8. Wil, your words moved me.
    I know you’ll do well in your future endeavors, whatever you choose that they are.

  9. Wow. That entry was so good.
    You really are a fabulous writer. I was on the edge of my seat, wondering, “Well?? What did you say, Wil??”
    Ever think of writing screenplays?
    As Shakespeare wrote in Hamlet, “And this above all, to thine own self be true.”
    Keep listening to your intuition and taking those meditative walks and fate will continue to lead you where you’re supposed to go.
    Congratulations on your self-discovery. Enjoy the road ahead.

  11. Y’know, I have to wonder if Wil isn’t suddenly going to get some acting jobs. Seriously. Now that he’s not sweating it, he’s going to take an occasional audition for shits and grins, go in with a “Hire me or not, I don’t give a fuck,” attitude, and he’s going to find himself getting things. It’s going to happen.

  13. Wil,
    I’m glad that you’ve found out what’s really important to you in life. Good for you!
    Can’t wait to hear what happened with Creation. Those bastards.

  15. This may be a strange analogy, but this most recent post reminds me of Margaret Cho’s “I’m the One that I Want.” In a nutshell, it’s about how Hollywood tried to turn her into someone else, and how she failed at being someone else.
    But it’s a triumphant tale. She took a good look at who she really is and came back swinging, better than ever. It seems to me that she’s now at the top of her game — with no apologies about who she is. And she’s really, really funny.
    Watching you “find your voice” here at WWDN is kinda like that. Exciting, triumphant and funny.
    Go for it. You’re an excellent writer with a great sense of humor and experiences beyond your years that you can draw from.
    Speaking of San Francisco (Margaret Cho is a hometown girl), it was fun watching you whip the purple dinosaur at DNA last week. Keep fighting the good fight and you can go as far as you want.
    (Please excuse my boxing metaphors. I was at a celebrity boxing match recently. Hee, hee.)

  16. Wil,
    I’m sorry to here that it hasn’t been a good year and when the money’s good you have to put your pride a side and take teh job that been offered even ifit’s something you really don’t want to do. Hopefully you can have a come back, it’s possible. look at Cher of all people she did those terrible informercials but was able to come back from it. The worst that will happen will be that SNL will parody you and you have to have a sense of humor about such things. Good luck !
    Matt J

  17. Wil,
    Have you ever heard the advice that if you really want something, you need to let go of your overwhelming desire for it and let it just come to you? I think that you will find that letting go of your attachment to being the “next-next big thing” and focusing on your wonderful family will open more doors to your success than you could ever imagine! 🙂 Just let go…do what you have to do, do what you want to do, follow your head for awhile and let your heart follow a little behind and just see what happens.
    You are making an awesome decision and you should be proud of yourself for doing it. I know it took a huge amount of soul-searching, but I know that I’m not the only one here who will tell you that your career is definitely NOT over! You are at the beginning….relax and enjoy it and do what you truely feel is the right thing to do.
    Good luck, not that you need it! Good karma finds people like you, trust me.
    Jen 🙂

  18. It is never wrong to put family first. You truly have a gift for writing, not just because so many of us enjoy reading it, but because you enjoy doing it. I always look forward to your new entries because you make your everyday life sound so interesting. Good luck on your new endeavor.

  19. Wil, no matter the results of your decision, you can be sure that it was made for the right reasons. You’re way ahead of a lot of 30 year-olds who don’t realize what’s important to them in life. You may not have any more acting roles for your audience, but I’ll bet you’ve got a book or two in you. If you ever choose to go whole hog as a writer, I’ll be lining up at the bookstore to buy anything you write.

  20. Yes!! More writing from Wil!
    Wil, your style and sense of humour are such a pleasure to read that I am greedily looking forward
    to reading your work, whatever form it may come in.

  21. Wil, babe,
    You’ve got balls! I thought that diving into a dream was one of the hardest things to do… until I read this. I admire your courage, and I admire that you can be honest with yourself about your changing lifestyle and priorities.
    I think you’re a good actor, but I like you more for your writing than you acting. :o)

  22. I have been visiting your site for about three months now and I have to say your that your writtings have made me look at my own life in a different way. You are a very talented writer and a gifted actor. On more than one occasion you have made me laugh and even brought tears to my eyes. If you have decided that acting is not for you who am I to say otherwise. Life is too short spend it with the ones you love the most. Enjoy everyday to the fullest and above all be happy.

  23. Yay, I respect you so much now. Being able to make and carryout the decision to concentrate on what is important to you (your family) over everything else. I think that just great.
    Cookie

  24. Well done Man!!
    I am glad to hear that you have chosen a path that will benifit your family- we should all be so lucky to have these chances to be able to take care of our loved ones with out the added stress of money troubles.
    – Besides as long as your endorsing something that you really believe in then you can do no wrong.
    Now you’ll have some free time to write that Book!!! *hint hint* 😉
    Take care-

  25. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    *****
    Hey!! Very well said. I admire you so much and I’m behind you 100%. Sry if you regret to hear this but ST:TNG brought the best out of you!!! Luv ya lots!!!! ~~*Gooniegirl*~~
    *****
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

  26. %&(*&O((_)_)*^%$#@@%&*(_)
    Whoa, I’m so not furst d00D!
    You know what I like? I like the fact that you’ve totally ignored giving me the public thrashing that I deserve from our night out.
    Actually, now you know I’m taunting you to hear your side of the story.
    And, finally, I’ll tell you and everyone else this:
    Your bowling shirts are mad-fly and you need to wear one on your damned show this Friday, because, Wil Wheaton, that fucking shirt is all about you.
    Tell that wardrobe bitch to bite my primary-colored ass and wear a fucking bowling shirt. The one with the chicks that mostly sit on mudflaps–after all, it’s a network for VIDEO GAMES. Fucking video games. How serious should you be taking yourself?
    &*^*%^&(*&@(*&#&*#$(@)$&#$($*#@&$#(
    Russ

  27. it shouldn’t matter if you’re a big hollywood star or a two-bit actor. as long as you are doing what you love, whether it be for an infomercial or a block buster, thank your blessings because some people don’t even get the opportunity to have a career.

  28. Dude, I say this a lot when I read your site, but that’s the greatest thing I’ve ever read. I’m really glad you’re continuing in your writing. It really is amazing. And any product you hawk, I’d actually consider buying.

  29. Wil,
    My life has been shit lately. But reading your last column has inspired me. Be happy with the things you have: a wife, a family. Fuck Hollywood. You’ll make a name for yourself yet.

  30. Good for you Wil. I don’t know what else to say,
    and I’m not the greatest with words, but I sincerely hope that you do well, and am glad that your happy. Told you people that I’m not the greatest with words.

  31. I wish the best for you, i’m know you will prevail any way you can. All those rejections and the star trek cut-out could just mean it’s not the time right now. Good luck to you and your family

  33. Dude, you gonna write your pants off.
    And you gonna act your pants off too.
    That reason that you were in Stand By Me when Brent Spiner was a regular on Night Court: you damn fine actor.
    Infomercial? I wonder if I’ll buy one. Whatever it is. Don’t let them make you say “set it and forget it.” I’ll have to drive to LA and smack you, and I can’t afford that much gas right now.
    Cheers, bud.

  34. Wil,
    I think its wonderful you are willing to take that leap of faith. Your writing is poignant, funny and honest and something I look forward to reading every few days. I may see you in a different light than the one I did when I was a teenager but I still respect you for the same reason. You are real and no matter how big you got you always were.
    Actor or writer you wll always be an important person to those who give a damn.

  35. Thumper wrote:
    Your take is that an infommercial is the death of your acting career; most of us are sitting here thinking “Yay! We get to see Wil on TV!”
    Oh goodness Wil, that is *so* true! Do what pleases you and your family, and know that you have a bunch of people cheering you on. (Because with your journal entries — though you may not realize it — you are cheering *us* on. It’s give-and-take, my friend.) Best wishes always.

  36. supporting your family is always good. And this may be the finest peice of writing you’ve done yet.
    As for the infomercial? If there is a co-host make him say “act now”

  37. “Taking a chance, and stepping beyond the safety of the world we’ve always known is the only way to grow, though, and without risk there is no reward.”
    I’ve found myself thinking similar thoughts a lot lately as I struggle through med school. I know in my heart that I want to be doing nothing but this, but it’s so hard! The long hours, feeling like an idiot all of the time because the residents know more than I do (even though they’re supposed to), the fact that I am shy and need to make an effort to assert myself to do well. But as tired as I am and as frustrated as I get sometimes, I have to remind myself that the gain is worth it. I will be doing what I love. I will learn things and make a difference in people’s lives.
    I need to go study, but I wanted to wish you good luck with your writing. And your infomercial for that matter. I guess I don’t know enough about the film/television industry to understand why doing an infomercial makes you a less attractive casting choice, but I’ll take your word for it and hope your wrong. Best of luck in achieving success in the things that really matter. 🙂

  39. Wil,
    I’ve been reading your blog for about half a year now, and I have tremendous respect for you. It is amazing how you take this new step in your life with dignity, while so many others cower in fear.
    You are an awesome writer- I’ll definetly buy anything that you write, for I’m sure that it’ll be awesome. Your short stories and essays leave me spellbound, and making me wish that I could have some of your talent.
    Don’t worry- I am sure that everything will be a-ok (as cliche as that sounds).

  40. Okay, reality check here. Everybody’s saying “Look at Cher! She did an infomercial and she’s doing okay!”
    Yeah, but look at Robert Urich. He did an infomercial too, and look where HE’S at–dead! Rotting!
    Despite that, I’m sure Wil will come out just fine. By the way, if anybody is in need of a director, I am a very fine director.

  41. Congrats on finding what could very possibly be your true calling Wil. Ever since I first starting visiting you site months ago I thought that you would make a great writer. I’m so glad that you’ve realized that too. Yes you will be missed by your film and tv fans (and we are legion) but I truly believe that you have a talent that should be shared with the world.

  42. Wil, you made the right choice. Informercial, schminfomercial, you are working and supporting your family. Ain’t that what counts?

  43. Holy shit.. what is this the Ironic Week in my life?
    Now I encourage everybody in their right, left and center brain to laugh at me for this one.
    For some damn reason I was in the shower thinking about the impending “next big thing” to affect my life- which is stressful so I made my brain switch channels- which made me think of cable channels- which somehow led to QVC- and how much I enjoyed the bliss of geekness of watching all those TNG people come on and hock TNG memoriablia when I was 13 and something years of age. Listening to all the excited fans eager to talk to their favorite star. Which then led to embarrassing memories of an Orgins Convention…
    Ahem…
    So.. now reading this.. and remembering that… well most of that.. cringe
    you’ll do just fine
    Also I need a new underground band to be crazy over stat.
    My favorite and well rediculed for “selling out” by being on a VH1 TV show just packed up their guitars for the last time- again sensing the ironicness- because they didn’t have the passion or willingness to sacrifice what’s needed to be big…sigh.
    Soulcracker
    1997-2002
    -MKF

  44. Like the blank page, the major choices in our lives are thrilling things, but there is no line between thrilling and frightening, only a subtle transition between shades of the same color.
    Confusion follows naturally.
    I’ve also come to find that writing is what I really love, and what I should be doing. I’m afraid, but I have a lot of hope. I have a lot of hope for you, too.

  45. Hey honey…
    Do you believe in life after love? How about life after an Informercial?
    Gypsies, tramps, and informercial commercials, thieves.
    But everynight all the men would come around & lay their money down.

  46. hang in there….sound like the right choice…especially if family is being put first…i know this may sound wierd but…i’m proud of you!
    🙂

  48. Wil, You seem to grow in wisdom every day…and we along with you through the interaction and sharing of the WWDN community. Through your own, sometimes painful growth, many of us re-evaluate where we’re headed.
    Clearly you know more about the TV/film business than most of the rest of us, but it’s hard to imagine that any path you take now will ultimately limit your choices in the future. New doors always present themselves as others close. You may still have to put up with auditions, etc., but I would think your broadened horizon will end up making you more interesting to the powers that be.
    I’m sure you know by now that those of us who support, admire and respect you do so because of the man you have become and not the TV character you were. Best, Rob

  49. Howdy Wil:
    Everyone needs to make choices: good or bad, right or
    wrong. Do what your heart tells you to do. I know I do.
    Boy did I make wrong calls many times, but you know,
    at least “I” made my own choices. When someone else
    makes the choice for me and I have no say, then I would
    be very very horrified.
    You made the choice of doing informatials; and that’s cool.
    Don’t forget to write, though. You’ve got something special
    there.
    Ch’ers,
    Bish

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