Smilin’ Jay (Fark audioedit master of the universe) just sent in the following Halloween Safety Tips.
Ignore them at your own peril. You have been warned.
1. When it appears that you have killed the monster, NEVER check to see if it’s really dead.
2. Never read a book of demon summoning aloud, even as a joke.
3. Do not search the basement, especially if the power has gone out.
4. If your children speak to you in Latin or any other language, which they should not know, shoot them immediately. It will save you a lot of grief in the long run.
5. When you have the benefit of numbers, never pair off and go alone.
6. Never stand in, on, or above a grave, tomb, or crypt.
7. If you’re searching for something which caused a loud noise and find out that it’s just the cat, GET THE HELL OUT!
8. If appliances start operating by themselves, do not check for short circuits; just leave NOW.
9. If you find a town which looks deserted, there’s probably a good reason for it.
10. Don’t fool with recombinant DNA technology unless you’re really sure you know what you’re doing.
11. If you’re running from the monster, expect to trip or fall down at least twice, more if you are female. Also note that, despite the fact that you are running and the monster is merely shambling along, it’s still moving fast enough to catch up with you.
12. If your companions suddenly begin to exhibit uncharacteristic behavior such as hissing, fascination for blood, glowing eyes, and so on, kill them immediately.
13. Stay away from certain geographical locations, some of which are listed here: Amityville, Elm Street, Transylvania, Nilbog, anywhere in Texas where chainsaws are sold, the Bermuda Triangle, or any small town in Maine.
14. If your car runs out of gas at night on a lonely road, do not go to the nearby deserted-looking house to phone for help. If you think that it is strange you ran out of gas because you thought you had most of a tank, shoot yourself instead. You are going to die anyway, and most likely be eaten.
15. Beware of strangers bearing tools. For example: chainsaws, staple guns, hedge trimmers, electric carving knives, combines, lawnmowers, butane torches, soldering irons, or band saws.
16. If you find that your house is built upon a cemetery, now is the time to move in with the in-laws.
17. Dress appropriately. When investigating a noise downstairs in an old house, women should not wear a flimsy negligee. And, please, carry a flashlight, not a candle.
Happy Halloween, everybody!
47 thoughts on “Halloween Safety Tips”
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ha, first comment !!!!
that’s a funny list, and i’m going to follow them, well except the car thing, cause i only have $1.90 in my tank, and my car get’s 10 mpg.
that rules out anything driving… oh well, happy halloween
and don’t forget, if you are a teenager, don’t even *think* about having sex.
*SNORT*
That is hella Funny.
Also please remember: LOOK in the toilet before using it. You never know what Ghoul or Hand is waiting to get you.
Happy Halloween, Everyone!! 😀
Thanks for posting this. It was hilarious!
“15. Beware of strangers bearing tools. For example: chainsaws, staple guns, hedge trimmers, electric carving knives, combines, lawnmowers, butane torches, soldering irons, or band saws.”
Haha…so true.
Good job on the VH-1 thing, Wil!!
So true about Texas!
From one who resides there.
Everytime I read that it makes me laugh!
I passed these rules around last year at my old job. Everyone kept asking “What’s Nilbog mean?”
HAHAHAHAHAHHHHH
Manic laugh with torchlight under the chin.
Happy Halloween
And tonights Halloween film:
Revenge of the First-Post Dorks!!!
Scary.
Although, not as scary as me in negligee.
Nilbog?!?
ARGHHHH!!!
And now I am forced to remember Troll 2. I had almost forgotten watching that monstrosity, and now the horror of sitting through it comes rushing back into my mind.
Thanks…
I must disagree with #17. Women should wear flimsy negligees as often as humanly possible.
You for got Salem MA for geophical locations to stay away from today
He forgot to mention that those warnings are officially sponsored by the Freddy Kruger Fund for non-violence
Damn…I don’t live but 20 feet off of Elm St.
And don’t forget…
Child vampires are children first and vampires second. Human children will recognize this and try to hide the little bloodsuckers from meddling adults.
There is no love between man and ghost. It just doesn’t work.
No monster is ever really truly dead until it explodes.
excellently funny. happy halloween!
Avoid sex with Linnea Quigley under any and all circumstances.
And if you’re being chased, and find yourself in a stairwell, run *down* the stairs. Where do you really think you’re going to go once you get to the roof?
haha.. brings back memories of a video project I did last year: “How to Surive a Horror Movie” -was great! 😀
congrats on the show, wil! =)
Thanks for the tips.
Don’t know what I’d do without ya!
🙂
I like the evil overlord rules better, but those were pretty good.
The Top 100 Things I’d Do If I Ever Became An Evil Overlord: http://www.eviloverlord.com/lists/overlord.html
And if you find a metal drum with a zombie in it, dont fuck with it.. just walk away
;p
What are the kids for Halloween Wil? We’re Bob the Builder and Tigger. Have a great night! Already started here on the East coast!
Wil,
I thought everybody lived by these rules. This stuff works 24/7.
FG
If you are running away from someone or something, don’t trip, fall and rub your ankle until next Tuesday.
Hah That’s Great! SO acording to what your saying I should kill these freaky looking people coming towards me with their mouths dripping blood?
Sweet that’s just the excuse I was looking for!
18. If you’re walking slowly backwards, looking for the monster, it’s a good bet it’s right behind you.
Aw, geez. Why did I read this? I’m going to be freaking out all night.
And the little creatures coming to your door, requesting “Trick or Treat”… they really just want to suck your blood, or eat your organs. They are monsters in disguise. RUN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Cherie Priest’s list can be found at http://www.livejournal.com/users/wicked_wish/172434.html
Hmm… But…. I live a block away from Amityville.
Aw well, I’m still alive, time to hide these demon parts before dawn.
Is this all part of the master plan?
First I’ll brainwash VH1 viewers with subliminal ‘Obey Will’ images before conquering the world Mwhahahahahahha.
p.s. I’ve got first dibs on being an underlord.
Crap I posted to the wrong post. Have I blown my chances of underlord?
Great list, especially the part about running for your life while the creature/monster/vampire/evil whatever just stumbles along. I mean the amount of times these people run fast as hell to be caught by a slow moving beast, its beyond me. Maybe someone transports them closer 😛
Glad to see you are normal just like the rest of us, I wish I had found your blog ages ago 🙁 but never mind 😀
Hi Wil,
thanks 4 the list, ‘t was funny 2 read it lol!
Yesterday ive been 2 an haloween party and it was great, noone dressed up and there wasnt any pumpkin or stuff like that around. so far-the germans celebrate it like in the USA lol, you see, it doesnt work. Anyway it was great and me and my friends stayed til late in the night. Last song was Blue Monday, the long Version, from New Order, my 2.nd fav. music groups. It was interesting to see 100 17-year old people dancing to this tack which is from 1983-normally im alone at home doing this lol. Happy Halloween everybody!!Chris
Hahaha!!! Those were hilarious! Number 14 was the best. Well, Halloween’s over down here, but Happy Halloween anyway, everyone! :):):)
I’m sure everyone that’s been a victim in a horror movie wished they read these safety tips before they made stupid decisions, eh? 😉
Oh Wil I read your comments about the aol kiddie speak yet and now im sorry because i used it a few times. i wont do that anymore 😉 Cheers Chris
It’s been exactley 10 years ago since River Phoenix died after using drugs outside the Vipor Room 🙁 so sad i miss him so much
R.I.P.
8-23-70
10-31-93
Um – Smilin’ Jay? Wil? You lost some serious geek points for the phrase “pair off and go alone”. Think about it. Even in binary if you wish.
Wil, I think you violated #9 already…
hey wil i dont know if u realize that lot of people who go on marina sirtis web sight show intrest in u so i promoted your web sight so they now where thy can fund u at they keep asking and no one but me knew ur web sight i thnk it so cool that they go to other actors sights to look for u
*lol*
damn, these are too true. oh, here’s one more!!
18. if it’s 2am and you are munchin’ and a ribeye u put on the counter proceeds to squirm and then spout maggots when you shine a flashlight on it……pls don’t go to the bathroom and rip your face off. RRUUUUNNNN!!!!:p
Good list, Wil. I’ll be sure to keep that in mind next year.
And now, for my addition to the list:
If, for some reason, Tom Savini is spending a whole bunch of quality time in your little town, you might want to consider calling Century 21 and moving the heck out, ASAP.
This sounds like a recipie for an anti-anti-spoof horror flick. Sort of like the opposite of the Scary Movie franchise. So in it all these classic things would keep happening, but the ‘hero’ would keep avoiding it, until the bitter end of the movie, when he and his girl make their fatal mistake.
Great list. lol And so true… people in horror movies must go to stupid school! This was my favorite but not until after I had read the whole list:
“7. If you’re searching for something which caused a loud noise and find out that it’s just the cat, GET THE HELL OUT!”
You see, just after I read the list there was a loud noise & I went to find out what it was & well… it was just the cat. lol