who do you want to be?

It must be 5:30, because Ferris is hitting my leg, and wagging her tail like crazy. I stop typing and look down at her.
“What?”
Wag, wag, wag, wag, wag.
“Is it time to . . .”
She hits me with her paw. Her eyes are wide. Wag, wag, wag, wag.
“Are you ready for . . .”
Riley races into the room, and jumps up. She lands with both paws on my lap. Ferris growls at her to get down.
“Thank you, Ferris.”
Wag, wag, wag, wag, wag, wag, wag.
“Are you girls hungry? Are you ready for dinner?”
I said the magic word. Both dogs explode ahead of me, and tear across the living room. By the time they make it to the kitchen, Riley is running so fast she can’t stop on the smooth floor and crashes into the wall. Ferris stops right next to her dish.
“What’s that, Ferris?”
She looks at her dish, then at me. Riley picks herself up off the floor and stands next to me.
“Ferris? What do you want?”
I absolutely love this nightly ritual. I love the way Ferris finds me at about five o’clock, and reminds me, in her little (maybe not so little, at 72 pounds) dog way that it’s almost time to eat. I love asking her questions, and watching her grow increasingly excited when I say words she recognizes, like “hungry” and “five thirty” and
“Do you want your dinner?”
She is wagging her tail so hard now, her hips are rocking her whole body back and forth. She kicks her dish halfway across the floor. Riley barks at me.
“Okay! Okay!”
I pick up their dishes, and dump in their food.
My cell phone plays “Ode to Joy,” and I remember that I wanted to pay 1.99 for a cool ring tone.
I flip it open, and try not to notice the obvious relation to an Original Series communicator.
“Hello?”
“Hey Wil, it’s Jed and John from VH-1.” They’re on speaker phone.
My heart leaps. I’ve been waiting for this phone call.
“Oh, hi, Jed. What’s up?” I’m pretty sure I’ve successfully played the first line cool.
“Do you have a moment to talk?”
Do I?!
“Sure. I’m just feeding my dogs. Hold on.”
“Ferris, sit.”
She does.
“Stay.”
She does.
I put her bowl on the floor. She obediently waits.
“Okay!”
Ferris attacks her Nutro the way I attacked that Mean Gene burger on the weekend.
“Just a second, Jed.”
“Okay,” he says.
“Riley, sit.”
She looks at me and wags her tail.
“Riley. Sit!”
“Woah, you really are feeding your dogs!” he says.
I chuckle. “Did you think it was a euphemism?”
“Yeah, but I’m not saying what for.”
Riley sits, and I tell her to stay.
Ferris stops eating, like she does every night, and cocks an ear back toward us.
“Okay, Riley!”
Riley cocks her head to the side and barks at me.
“Riley, Okay!” I point at her dish, “You can eat now, dumbass!”
Riley looks down at her dish, and begins to eat. Ferris hears her dish scrape on the floor, and she resumes eating, too. It cracks me up that Ferris waits like that each night. I haven’t been able to determine if Ferris thinks I’m talking to her when I tell Riley to stay, or if she wants to make sure that she won’t be bothered by Riley while she’s eating, or what . . . but it’s pretty funny to watch her stand there with her mouth in her bowl, as she just listens to us.
“Sorry about that, Jed.” I say, and walk out of the room.
“No worries,” he says, “how was your trip up North?”
Oh shit. Is he making small talk? Did he call me to tell me that they’re excited, or is he making one of those look, I’m sorry that it didn’t work out, but we still want to work with you calls that I’ve gotten so many times before?
“It was tough. Anne’s grandmother is in the first stages of Alzheimer’s, so she’s really forgetful, and so frail the wind could knock her down.”
“Oh, Jesus, man, that sucks,” says John.
“Yeah,” I say, “I’m really glad we got to go visit her, though. I don’t think she’ll know who we are next time.” I say, “but the driving part was really great. Anne and I needed a couple of days to ourselves.”
“A couple of days with just the wife is always a good thing.” Jed says.
“Yeah,” I say. “So what’s up?”
“Well, we met with the network people here,”
Time slows to a crawl. The next few words are the ones that count.
“And they want us to go ahead and do a test with you.”
I’m pretty sure my heat stops. I sit down on my couch.
“Really?” I say. Though my meeting with them last week went really well, and all signs pointed to this happening, I’ve been let down so many times before . . . I guess I just expect things to fall apart. I’m genuinely surprised that we’re going to be taking the next step.
“Yeah, they love you. When we said your name to them, they went nuts.”
I allow myself to feel a bit of excitement. I don’t know if they really went nuts or not, but they said yes, and that’s what matters.
“So what happens next?” I ask.
“We need to get our budget together, and then we’re going to do a test with you. We’ll find someone local who could be on the show, and we’ll spend a day shooting stuff.”
Mother Jesus Balls. I can’t believe this!!
I can’t contain the excitement any longer and say, “Oh my god, you guys! This is so cool!”
They seem a bit surprised when I unleash my enthusiasm.
“Oh, I’m happy that you’re excited, Wil. This is going to be a lot of fun.” I don’t know who’s talking, now. In my defense, my heart had stopped for a moment there.
“We’re going to call your manager now, and get all the details worked out, but I just wanted to tell you myself first,” Jed says, “I hope that’s okay.”
“Are you kidding me?! This is great news, you guys, and I’m really glad that you called me.”
“Okay. We’ll put some stuff together, and talk to you soon.”
“Okay! I’ll talk to you then.”
“Bye.”
“Bye.”
I close the phone, and don’t care if I look like Captain Kirk or not.
Well, I run my hand through my hair, just to be sure.
I let out a loud, “Whooop!!” and jump up off the couch. “Thank you Fark! Thank you WWdN! Thank you! Thank you! Thank yyyooouuuuu!!!!!!!111”
Ferris comes racing into the living room, head cocked, and looks at me.
“Ferris! I’m going to be on VH-1!”
Wag, wag, wag, wag, wag.

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221 thoughts on “who do you want to be?”

  11. Great news, Wil! Congrats!
    Also, nice parallel there between your dogs’ reactions to you, and your reaction Jed and John’s news. I guess you were wagging there a bit too.

  14. Cool. Just bee sure to keep us updatred on it. Granted, I won’t get a chance ot see it, living in Turkey and all. But great news for you none the less.
    You needed the pick-me-up after the other news.
    Joe

  15. Congratulations, Wil! Was it a sign that VH-1 has been running “I Love the 80s – Strikes Back” marathons? Good Luck on the next steps.

  16. Break a leg guy…whatever the hell that means.
    Congrats and good luck! Glad things are coming together for you again.

  17. U DA MAN!!! Go Wil, u rock, U DA MAN!!! Go Wil, u rock. FARKING COOL, WAY FARKING COOL, SUPER FARKING WAY OUT THERE KINDA OF COOL!!!

  19. Are you taking requests? I’d like a complete day of lesser known 80s soundtracks please. Just kidding 😉
    It couldn’t have happened to a nicer guy. See what happens when you get older…you get respect, wisdom and recognition.
    I’d like to echo the sentiments of all here by saying: “It couldn’t have happened to a nicer guy.”
    All the best Wil. I’m sure you’ll be great.
    Sincerely

  20. *Long time reader, only comments once in a while*
    Congratuations Wil! I look forward to seeing you on TV again. My girlfriend and I were just commenting how cool VH1 is nowadays, compared to the old days. We love their new branding. We have no doubt you’ll be a hit.

  21. *Long time reader, only comments once in a while*
    Congratuations Wil! I look forward to seeing you on TV again. My girlfriend and I were just commenting how cool VH1 is nowadays, compared to the old days. We love their new branding. We have no doubt you’ll be a hit.

  22. I play the same game with my cats on the rare occasion that I give them canned food. They’re just as obnoxious, even though together they weigh less than 30 pounds.
    Congrats on things going well with VH-1. I hope they continue to do so.
    And I love your book.

  23. Dogs are a hoot. My mom has had dogs all my life and before, and hers all acted much the same way.
    I have a friend by whose cats you can set your watch: every midnight they tear through the house, cat A chasing cat B in one direction, then B galloping after A in the opposite direction thirty seconds later. They exchange roles for half an hour or so, then act like it never happened until the next night.
    > “It was tough. Anne’s grandmother is in the
    > first stages of Alzheimer’s, so she’s really
    > forgetful, and so frail the wind could knock
    > her down.”
    >
    >> “Oh, Jesus, man, that sucks,” says John.
    >
    > “Yeah,” I say, “I’m really glad we got to go
    > visit her, though. I don’t think she’ll know who
    > we are next time.”
    Yes, it does suck. Both my mother and her mother have Alzheimer’s, and having seen slides of dissected Alzheimer’s-afflicted brains, it is intensly painful to realize that that is what’s happening inside their heads. My sympathies to both you and Anne.

  28. …
    AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!1
    YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1
    *does a happy gollum dance* On on on! Wil is on VH-1!!!!!!!!!!!
    You so BEYOND deserve this.
    Break a leg, Wil!

  30. <Cartman>Sweet, dude! Kick ass! Yes! YES!</Cartman>
    I must keep an eye on VH-1 for this when it comes out! We’re happy for you here, too, Wil! Now get out there and knock ’em dead!
    <Homestar>Buttdance, buttdance…</Homestar>

  31. Is this all part of the master plan?
    First I’ll brainwash VH1 viewers with subliminal ‘Obey Will’ images before conquering the world Mwhahahahahahha.
    p.s. I’ve got first dibs on being an underlord.

  32. *Long time reader, only comments once in a while*
    Congratuations Wil! I look forward to seeing you on TV again. My girlfriend and I were just commenting how cool VH1 is nowadays, compared to the old days. We love their new branding. We have no doubt you’ll be a hit.

  33. *Long time reader, only comments once in a while*
    Congratuations Wil! I look forward to seeing you on TV again. My girlfriend and I were just commenting how cool VH1 is nowadays, compared to the old days. We love their new branding. We have no doubt you’ll be a hit.

  34. *Long time reader, only comments once in a while*
    Congratuations Wil! I look forward to seeing you on TV again. My girlfriend and I were just commenting how cool VH1 is nowadays, compared to the old days. We love their new branding. We have no doubt you’ll be a hit.

  36. Wil-
    Awsome news man. I’m glad you finally got a break, better to see you on VH-1 instead of an E! Tue Hollywood story 😉 I can see you at the Daytime/Whatever Emmy’s thanking the Hooters waitress from Pasadena who spawned your new found successes! 🙂

  37. Well done Wil, congratulations! I hope this all pans out well for you!
    On another note, and this is certainly not intended to be in poor taste but, 10 years – vail River – always remembered, never forgotten and loved dearly by many – a great loss.

  39. The loud cracking you heard coming from Southwestern PA was me uncrossing my fingers. Congrats and many blessings, Wil. You deserve it.
    Anne, her mother, and you are in my thoughts and prayers. I’ve been there, too.

  42. Sjweet, Wil! I’m glad you’re going to be on VH-1. But I’m also uber-pissed off because BELGIAN-CABLE DOESN’T GET VH-1! Heh. I must find another way to see that show though. Do you know when it’s going to be aired?

  43. w00t!
    Confuckingratulations, man!
    Behold, The Power Of Wil and Fark!
    I’ll be *cough*recording*cough* er… watching the show every time you’re on it. (Lemme know if you want me to send them to ya)
    Actually, I think since you’re on it, they give you copies/transcripts, right?
    Either way, I’m happy things are looking up for you. I’ll be raising a few glasses to you tonight at the bar downstairs!

  46. ————-I’m pretty sure my heat stops.————
    Got to admit my “heat” stopped too, and didn’t start again till you whooped.
    Congrats, and fingers still crossed, that soon, it will be your smiley face greats me when I channel surf.

  47. O,FOR CRYING OUT LOUD! DO WE REALY NEED ANOTHER CRAPY SHOW LIKE THAT ON VH-1!? HUH…DO WE?
    LOL….JUST KIDDING ;-0
    GOOD LUCK & CONGRATULATIONS

  49. HAZZUH! HUZZAH!?!
    Um…whatever it is…I’m happy for you.
    I love my flip-open “Star Trek Communicator” phone!
    And just to make use of my new tagline:
    “Good on you Mate!”
    g

  50. Wil, I think you have my dogs! 🙂 Way to go on the VH-1 gig!! You are hilarious!
    **Keep us posted on the first day on the job!!

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