breath of life

Posted on By Wil

If everything goes according to plan, Ryan, Nolan and I will embark on a new and wonderful phase of our lives together this evening. We will grab some root beers, sit at our dining room table, and I will take them on their very first dungeon crawl.
We have spent the last week or so creating characters, discussing the rules, and building excitement for tonight’s adventure. I have been staying up an extra hour or two each night after the kids go to bed, pouring over websites and my core rule books, simulating combats and creating NPCs. I’m pretty nervous, because I’m DMing an adventure for the first time since The Isle of Dread in 6th grade. And back then, I managed to kill everyone in the party pretty quickly, and never got to sit behind the screen again.
(For those of you keeping score at home, that would be about 19 years ago — Holy crap. Ninteen years ago? I’ve really been feeling older lately, and writing that number really put a crick in my neck. When did 31 become old? I know it’s not, but . . . damn.)
Anyhow, last night, Nolan and Anne were in the kitchen cutting his hair. I was at the dining room table reviewing Cleric spells, while I listened to The Two Towers soundtrack. Ryan came out of his room, and sat down across from me.
“Watcha doing?” he said.
“Just refreshing my memory. It’s been –” I paused. “Well, it’s been a really long time since I played ran a campaign, and I want . . . ”
(I want you to think I’m cool. I want to do something special for you. I want to share something with you guys that isn’t sports-related, so your dad can’t take it over and force me out of it.)
“I want to make sure you guys have a good time,” I said. “It’s important to me.”
“I’m so excited!” he said.
“Me too.”
He absentmindedly rolled some d20s I’d scattered across the table.
“Can I roll up an extra character, just for fun?” he said.
“Is your homework finished?”
“Yeah. Everything’s done, and I worked ahead in Biology.”
“Really?”
He nodded.
“Dude. That’s super-responsible. I’m proud of you.”
He smiled. “So can I?
“Sure,” I said. “The dice bags are on my desk.”
He got up, and walked over to my office. My desk, normally buried under computer books and writing journals, is currently coverd with gaming books: GURPS, Mutants and Masterminds, Car Wars, too many Cheapass games to count, and — of course — a stack of D&D books ten feet tall.
“It’s 4d6, right?” he called out.
“Yep, 4d6. And you –”
” — throw away the lowest roll.” we said in unison.
“Ryan, I . . . ”
(I love it when that happens.)
“I have an extra character sheet here that you can use.” I said.
“Okay.”
I went back to my books. A moment later, Ryan returned. Four six-sided dice dropped from his hand and rolled across the table.
“Since you’re the DM, will you watch my rolls?”
“You bet! This is . . . ”
(This is something I’ll remember for the rest of my life.)
“This is really fun.”
He picked up the dice, and threw them: 2 – 4 – 5 – 1
“Eleven?! Oh man!” he said.
“Hey, eleven isn’t a bad roll at all.” I noticed something familiar about the dice. Two of them were black, with red numbers. There was a skull where the one would have been.
“Hey, I have dice just like those in –” my heart stopped. I jumped up, and ran into my office.
There it was, in the cool blue glow of my monitor, atop my Freedom City sourcebook: an open bag of dice. My bag of dice. The black one, with the red pyramid from the Bavarian Illuminati on it. A clear d10, and two brilliant blue d12s sat near its open top. Its drawstring was cast carelessly across the side of the book, dangerously close to my Zen fountain.
Ryan slowly walked into the room.
“Is something wrong?” He said.
“You . . . you touched my dice!” I said. I felt a little woozy.
“Well . . . yeah.” he said.
“No. Ryan, you . . . ”
(You are about to see your stepdad as the old gamer geek he really is. The gamer geek I hope you’ll be one day . . . heh. This is actually kind of cool.)
“You can’t ever touch my dice.” I said, patiently.
“Uhh . . . aren’t they all ‘your dice’?”
“Technically, yes, but these here, in this bag, they’re the ones I’ve played with since I was in high school.”
He furrowed his brow and looked at me for a moment, while I put my dice back into my bag. A white d8 with worn off blue numbers, the clear d10 with white numbers, a green d6 that’s really a poker dice . . .
“When I was younger, these dice . . . ”
(These dice were some of the most important things in my life. Well. I have some perspective now.)
“These dice were a big part of my life.” I said.
I held the bag in my hand and looked at him. For the first time in eight years, I saw some of myself reflected back.
“You know what? It’s not that big a deal. I’d just rather you use some other dice.” I said.
“So do I get to re-roll that eleven since I used . . .” he lowered his head, and spoke in a grave voice: “The Forbidden Dice?” He smiled.
We laughed together.
“Eleven is a good roll, Ryan.” I said.
“I know, but twelve gets me plus one.”
“Okay. You can re-roll. But if you get a lower roll, you have to keep it.”
I tossed him my green bag, and he dug out 4d6.
“Deal.” He said.
We walked back into the dining room and sat back down at the table. Ryan threw 4d6: 2 – 5 – 2 – 1
“Nine?! Oh man!”
“I bet that eleven is looking pretty good now, isn’t it?” I said.
“Shut up.” he laughed.
He collected the dice, held them thoughtfully for a second, and said, “Wil, I’m sorry I used your dice. I just thought that bag was really cool.”
“It’s okay Ryan. Someday . . . ”
(Someday, I’ll give that bag, and all the dice in it, to you.)
“Someday, you’ll have your own dice, and your own dice bag, and you’ll understand.”
He threw 4d6: 6 – 6 – 4 – 4
“Sixteen! Rock!” he threw the goat.
On a 3×5 card, he wrote a one and a six beneath his nine.
“Ryan, I . . .”
(I love you more than you’ll ever know. Thank you for sharing these moments with me.)
“I can’t wait to play with you guys tomorrow night.”

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Comments (181)

  1. I believe very strongly that the measure of the maturity of someone is their ability to not take things too seriously. Your ability to be able to calmly explain that was something that you don’t want them to do, rather than exploding speaks very well of you as a person and a parent.
    I sympathize with the feeling, knowing the gut reaction of wanting to scream “What do you mean you messed with my dice/computer/first edition Tad Williams hardcovers/mint condition transformers/whatever!?!”. The beauty of it is, Nolan and Ryan will absorb that attitude and it will become a part of them.
    Have fun with gaming. Rock on!

  2. And people say step-parents can’t be real parents! In many ways, my step-mom feels like more of a “mom” to me than my real mom, even if I’ll never feel comfortable calling her by anything other than “Ann”.
    I wanna be a parent… (But let’s wait ’til I’m older than 18, eh?)

  3. Wil-
    So glad to see that you’re teaching the little ones to play…..try not to kill there characters…. 🙂
    So, when is Anne gonna pick it up?
    Be sure to let us all know how the game goes!!!
    Watch those crits, they can be detrimental to the health of PC’s.

  4. I, Andrea Fangirl, hereby nominate Wil Wheaton for Stepfather of the Year Award.
    Since I am the president of this association, as well as the sole member, the commentator, and the treasurer, I will now take the vote.
    All in favor of awarding Stepfather of the Year Award to Wil Wheaton, say Aye.
    AYE!
    By unanimous vote, I, Andrea Fangirl, hereby award you, Wil Wheaton, the Stepfather of the Year Award. Congratulations! You’ve earned it. To claim your prize, hug your stepsons, and bask in the adoration of them, and your wonderful wife.

  5. Very sweet story. To get to take a childhood pasttime with the new important children in your life is a great great thing.
    Just don’t kill the entire party in your dungeon, this time, or else someone younger may take your job as DM!
    Hah.

  9. I’m always nervous before every game I run. I realize this is an important personal moment, but be cool; it’ll be great. Trust yourself, and thanks for sharing your moment with us.

  10. Wil, I really enjoyed reading that entry. So funny and poignant, truly a pleasure to read and re-read. Hopefully in the near future our son will be old enough and keen to play as well. My husband brings it up now and then, is he old enough, what should we play, should we get some of his friends to join in?
    As for the dice thing, many of my friends don’t like their dice being touched by others, especially by me. But that might be something to do with my ‘unlucky’ touch. Never will you see as many bad rolls in a single game as you will when I play. When I need to roll high, I roll low. When I need to roll low, I roll high. The briefest of my touches will render other ‘lucky’ dice ‘unlucky’ for the remainder of the night. Of course that can work in our favour if the GM is planning some truly heinous events. Bathroom break, and the dice are given for me to touch.

  13. Y’know, it’s stories like this one that let me know that it’s okay to be a Geek Dad! My little guy’s only 2, but he already knows Batman, Superman, recognizes the Star Trek and Star Wars theme songs, and it’s only just begun.
    But regardless of whether you’re a geek dad or not, the important thing is spending time and showing your passions to your kids. My dad was a mechanic, and I spent ENDLESS hours in the garage when I was young. Me? I HATE working on cars! But I know how passionate my dad was about them, and to this day I’ll treasure the time with him, leaning over the engine of some old Ford. Not because we were doing something I liked . . . but because he loved me enought that he wanted to share what he liked with me.
    Thanks, Wil. I really needed that gentle reminder of what a loving father I had.

  15. Wil,
    What talent you have to turn a simple roll of the dice into a brilliant piece of literature. If you ever teach your kids to play cards, be sure the deck is sufficiently randomized (as Data would say).
    Freeman.

  17. hey wil,
    you really do rock! i know i’ve said it before, but thank you so much for sharing these really special moments with us. it sent a shiver through me, and brought a smile to my face.
    Its those moments in life that make it all worthwhile.
    take care

  19. Wow. I’ve been a lurker here for a couple of years now, but one has compelled me to post.
    In my early teens I was right into roleplaying, but found it woefully hard to keep my group focused. Though I didn’t look at it like this at the time, I see now that being with my friends was far more important than completing my precious story arc. Luckily I didn’t push things too hard when attention waned and we’d just stop and pick things up next session. The people from that group are still my closest friends today.
    By the sounds of that dice thing roleplaying was a far bigger part of your childhood than it was of mine, and I’m glad that you’re getting the chance to share that with the boys Wil.

  20. Well, even though I’m #69 on the comments, and you probably won’t even read this, gotta add my kudos. I don’t read you often, although my husband does regularly, but my god…what a beautiful post! My husband is my children’s stepfather too and they love him dearly. Good for you!
    You know, I couldn’t even tell you WERE his step! I found out from the comments; I thought you were his bio dad. 🙂 You go!

  21. Hey Wil,
    you’re gonna write the sequel to this and tell us how it turns out, right? and if the boys like it, are you sure Anne will be able to cope? perhaps she’ll join in?
    reading what you’re doing with those guys makes me think about my relationship with my dad….he got me hooked on video games when I was a wee little lass. I was the first kid in my class (5th grade) to have Super Mario Bros. 3! I was the first, mainly because my dad wanted to get his hands on it.
    I never played D&D till I started dating a guy about 4 years ago though…and have been playing quite a bit for the last year and a half.
    dangit, so many of y’all are just starting to play D&D for the first time in years lately, and here I am, forced to give up on the campaign that has kept my sanity for the last year and a half. I sure hope I can get back to it in about 5 months!
    Good job Wil! getting kids of any age to be interested in what you like is a hard thing to do. just don’t screw it up! 😛

  23. I’m 32. It was 7th grade, and Keep on the Borderlands.
    About a year ago I was GMing for my sister-in-law and her (then) boyfriend. The subject of when we had each started came up, and the boyfriend’s response was, “Man, that was before I was born…”
    That was the first time I specifically felt old.
    (And you still have Car Wars in plain sight? You geek! My copy’s in a box next to my desk, with the old Star Frontiers and Battle Tech. The boxed edition of Rune Quest might be the favorite of that stack, though.)

  24. I had a very similar moment today, when I realized that I’d been playing d&d for 18 years now.
    After relaying the story to my very understanding wife, she replied with “Did you read Wil Wheaton dot net today?”…”no”…”Go read it.”
    Now I’m all sniffly.

  25. Oh man, I know exactly how you feel about those dice. I still have the original set (d4, d8, d12, d20) that my brother and I used for our first adventure when I was twelve, which was… well longer than 19 years ago. I play & DM rarely these days, but when I do, I still use those dice for the “special” rolls, the oh-my-God-I-might-die rolls.
    Good luck with your kids. Just remember that DMing is as much about storytelling as it is about administering the mechanics of the game. In all the good stories, the characters are put in jeopardy, but they manage to pull it off. The trick is making the risk credible. You just have to hurt them enough to make the consequences real, but don’t go too far. With new players, it’s always best to err on the side of forgiveness. Just don’t let them know you’re pulling any punches.
    Good luck. I just can’t wait to do this with my kids.

  26. I’m also looking forward to the day my son is old enough to play RPGs with myself and my husband.
    This was a really touching entry.

  28. This has got to be one of your best blogs. Perhaps because it reminds me so much of my own “stepdad” (although I really do not like calling him that because he is just plain DAD to me). He is a very patient person, and taught me some cool things as well.
    Not to get all cheese-o-rama on you, but I just want you to remember that ANYONE CAN BE A FATHER, BUT IT TAKES A GREAT MAN TO BE A DAD!

  31. Awwww. I know about the “forbidden dice” thing…i, in fact, was in Ryan’s position once. Not understanding what it all means.
    Its all in good time. Great entry.

  33. My dad played DnD with me back when I was in elementary school. I remember that it was the G1-2-3 Giants series. He didn’t really get the game that I loved. I DM’d and he played a group of characters. We sat at this counter that was the place I ate the majority of my meals in the formative years.
    I don’t think he even liked doing what he was doing, but he did it for me and never told me it was stupid or wrong or that I should have been playing baseball instead.
    It’s moments like that which make the word “love” too weak to describe my pride in him.

  34. Ok, Wil, ‘fess up — you were secretly wearing your +4 Mantle of Parental Coolness at the time, weren’t you? It’s all right, you’re among friends, you can tell us….
    Nicely done. Hope you and the lads have a splendid game. Cheers.

  35. Cool beans 🙂
    My mother never had a husband who stuck around long enough to game with me. I have a six year old, who my wife and I adopted at the age of two. About a month ago, we played *our* first game of D&D …
    Well, it was just a round of combat with D&D miniatures, disregarding most of the rules. But he’s six 🙂 I keep my blessed dice under lock and key for when I GM. My son is welcome to use the cursed alternate dice whenever he likes, though.
    D

  36. Dude, get a grip. They’re frigging DICE, not your balls. Sorry to sound so crass, but geez. It wasn’t like he was going to flush them. My dad taught my sister how to play chess and gave his prized chess set (that he’d saved up for for over a year when he was a kid) to her because it meant so much to him that he wanted to share it with her. But it sounds like he took it well.

  37. Wil, thank you so much. What a fabulous post. You are a hell of a dad.
    I’ve always wanted to play D&D but never have. I think I’m going to have to talk a friend into teaching me. 37 isn’t too late to learn, is it?

  38. Wil, that is hella awesome. I hope you guys got to play until you saw the sun come up, the snacks and pop were all gone, every last monster was vanquished, and all XP and loot was awarded (just hope the boys don’t spend it all on ale and whores 😉 )!

  39. ~Delurks~
    Dittos, dittos, dittos.
    I’m going to send this to the woman I want to marry, so that she understands why I want to adopt her kid; it’s good that you didn’t wind up being the evil stepdad (crosses fingers).

  42. thanks for sharing that…it reminded me of my once upon a time youthful perspective…sometimes real life is more magical than all the dreams you could ever dream.

  43. Tears…. I got tears.
    Wil Wheaton, I am so proud of you. You have grown so much in the past year.
    So have I, from watching you.

  44. I am so very envious of you right now, Wil. The love you share with your step-sons is truely moving, and when you add to that a true milestone on the road to geekdom it creates an emotoinal moment that rivals any literary work I can think of. Please make a follow up entry and let us know how their first sesion went.
    X&

  45. I am so very envious of you right now, Wil. The love you share with your step-sons is truely moving, and when you add to that a true milestone on the road to geekdom it creates an emotoinal moment that rivals any literary work I can think of. Please make a follow up entry and let us know how their first sesion went.
    X&

  46. Wil, I’m glad I discovered your site. I check it often and am always delighted when there is a new post.
    At the tender age of 22, I haven’t even imagined what it would be like to have a child. But I hope when I do I will not only share some the same emotions, but perhaps be able to write about it half as eloquently as you.

  47. Get off your duff and go out and buy those kids each a set of dice right now. They may not take up gaming, but it’s a unique gift from you that’s about this time you spend together. Shame on you for scolding Ryan, but kudos for being patient with him.
    Go….Go now..make sure they a nice set..

  49. Good stuff…I hope I can do as well as a parent. On a side note, I never played RPG’s, so can you explain why you become so attached to dice? I was more of a sports guy and can’t remember any sport stuff taking on such significance

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