Several months ago, I sat in a pub with a good friend of mine who had just found out his wife was pregnant. We hoisted pints of Guinness and ate vinegar-soaked chips covered with salt. Ah, the reckless abandon of celebration.
“I can’t believe I’m going to be a father! I’m equal parts terrified and excited.” He said.
“That sounds about right,” I said. “How’s Jennifer doing?”
“She’s great. We’ve wanted this for a long time.”
“I’m really happy for you. You’re going to be a great father.”
Someone put Cream’s “Badge” on the jukebox. We ordered two more pints.
“You’ve been doing this for a few years,” he said, “and you seem like a pretty good father –”
“Stepfather,” I corrected him.
“Whatever. You’re a father-figure.”
“I’m more like a backup quarterback who can get pulled from the game at any time, but go ahead.”
“If you could only give one bit of advice to me, what would it be? What’s the most important thing?”
Now it was my turn to take a long drink. And then another.
“Forty-two,” I said, and we both laughed.
“I don’t know, man. there are so many things . . . I guess you shouldn’t be afraid to make some mistakes, and ask other parents for advice . . .”
I trailed off, and thought for a second, about all the other parents I’ve been around since Ryan and Nolan came into my life.
“Don’t try to be your kid’s best friend. It’s the single biggest mistake parents make. Love them, play with them, let them know how much they mean to you, but be their parent. They can make friends, but they can’t make parents. That’s your job.”
I took another drink.
“And one night, you’re going to put your sweet, loving, adorable child to bed, and when she wakes up . . . ”
“She’ll be a teenager.” He said gravely.
“Yep. Teenagers are how the gods punish you for having sex.”
We giggled, then we laughed, then we sat in silence. I thought about all the things we’d done together since we were teenagers, about the ways our lives have changed since then.
“And, for fuck’s sake, don’t let your kid scream in restaurants.”
“I’m way ahead of you on that one.” He said.
That scene replayed itself in my mind on Thursday afternoon when Nolan called me from Anne’s cell phone.
They had a few things to do before they came home, and Nolan was worried about all the homework he needed to do.
“I have a fifty-two word vocabulary test tomorrow, and I have a math challenge,” he said. “But I really want to play Dungeons & Dragons.”
“Time to put on the parent hat.” I thought.
“Well, Nolan, I really want to play, too. But homework comes first. I don’t want you racing through your work to go play with a friend, and I certainly don’t want you to race through your homework to play with me.”
“But when can we play?” He said. “I’m not with you guys this weekend.”
“We’ll play next week,” I said. “I’ll use the weekend to study the DM’s guide even more.”
Secretly, I was more than a little relieved. Among the three of us, I bet I’m the most excited to play, but I don’t feel 100% prepared. I can use a few more hours of study, and a few more simulated battles. I want this game to be awesome for them, so they’ll want to play again.
“Will you help me study for my test?”
“You bet.”
“Okay! Well, I’ll see you when we get home.”
“Okay. Tell your mom to drive safely.”
“I will. I love you.”
Even though he’s twelve, Nolan is quick to tell me he loves me, never shies away from holding my hand when we go places together, and always gives me long, warm hugs goodbye, even when we’re at his school.
“I love you too, Nolan.” I said. I really, really do.
Moments after I hung of the phone, it rang again.
“Wil? It’s Ryan.”
“Hey Ryan. What’s up?”
“Are we still playing D&D tonight?”
“Well . . . ”
“Because I have way too much homework.”
I told him about Nolan’s test, and the ensuing delay of game.
“Oh, that’s a relief.” He said. “Okay, I have to go. See you in a while.”
“Okay. I love you.”
“Love you too,” he said.
I hung up the phone, and sat there, alone at my dining room table. D&D maps and books surrounded me. Ferris and Riley slept at my feet.
“Not bad for a backup QB,” I thought. “I think this kid has some promise.”
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I just hope I’m as good a (step)dad when it comes to my turn!
Not bad, Will. Not bad at all. 🙂
-Jon
It’s amazing that some of the best days in your life are simple family activites and telling people that you love them. Nice post, Wil.
Its so important to let them know you love them, and often! You’re doing a great job, Wil. I don’t think you’re a quarterback at all, but rather a parental entity that stands on its own.
Really great! Your kids are really lucky! I wish my friends’ stepdads did as much with their kids as you do with yours! D&D too! Sounds like a plan!
Wow, you have one hell of a family there. I hope that I can have just a bit of the happiness you have found.
BTW when is your book being republished, I’ve had one on order since christmas. Being in the UK, I had issues because I don’t like PayPal so I couldn’t get your book first time around.
Spike
8.56pm GMT
Well, sorry you didn’t get to play, but all in all that’s a pretty awesome-sounding family dynamic at work. Next weekend it is! Have fun.
Far too many people put far too little thought and planning into their relationship with their children (step- or otherwise). It’s refreshing to hear tale of such a great example of the way it should be done.
As far as screaming children in restaurants go, I’m looking into some of those Bose noise-cancellation headphones. I’ll let y’all know how it goes. =)
Wil –
As someone who grew up with a “step”-dad, let me tell you that the word “step” means nothing. You are doing all the things that make you a Dad with a capital D, and Ryan and Nolan will remember that. I hope that someday you share these writings with them (print them out and save them for their 18th birthday or something), because they should be allowed to see just how much you care for them. Best of luck to you and your family. Sounds like you guys are doing SOMETHING right.
Soleil
Nice audible, Wil.
Wil, I’m curious. You sound very strong in your “don’t try to be your kid’s best friend” statement. I assume there are stories behind that–any in particular that you’re willing to share?
My problem with parents is that they try to be “the parent” and then really aren’t very good at it, and then end up completely alienating the kid when they try to lay down the law. Remember parents: it’s impossible to enforce pretty much anything when the child has friends who can drive. The key is to have established mutual respect long, long before that. [HOW to do that, of course, is the $64k question.]
Keep up the good work, Wil. It’s great to read about.
Total yay for you man! 🙂
Yay, I’m among the first few postings today! A long-time reader, infrequent poster here.
I’m really impressed at how BOTH BOYS are conscientious enough to put homework before a D&D game. That kind of behavior is a credit to one or more of their THREE (four?) parents; it doesn’t just happen by accident.
I’m not a parent yet — so I log in here for a daily dose of “VICARAIOUS PARENTHOOD” instead. (My 3-year-old nephew *RYAN* will soon be old enough that I can borrow him for a day and spoil him rotten.) 😉 [As per today’s blog: I’ll be in the “friend” role, not the “parent” role.]
HEY WIL, lots of people have complimented your family-oriented blog entries. Ditto from me, I can’t add furtheer to what they’ve said.
I’m hoping to see your TNT pledges pass $12,500 very soon. I want to make my pledge on the day it crosses the HALFWAY-THERE mark!! My maternal grandmother died of breast cancer in the 1950s; and my mother once had some malignant tissues “found early” and removed without further incident.
BTW, I thought it was cool that Nolan went on a TNT training “scooterized” walk with A&W. I’m wondering if he went just for the fresh air or if he and Ryan have an understanding of the importance of his parents’ effort.
–Allan
These are my favorite, favorite entries. Thank you for sharing.
My advice would be to remember you aren’t raising children, you’re raising grown-ups.
Aw… I was looking foward to hearing about how your game went!
Still though, I agree with homework coming first.
Your last post finally got me to purchase a Players Handbook, which has been missing for a while now. I created a character with my little brother yesterday (an Elf Ranger), and we can start playing once I get all of the dice. (I can’t find mine. It’s alright though, they weren’t really important to me. I didn’t play that much with them.) Ah, and the Wizards of the Coast store near me has closed. So does anyone know any good websites to buy dice cheap?
As always Wil, great work.
In both fatherhood and DMing/GMing, you can never be 100% prepared. Children, like players, will always throw you something you weren’t expecting.
Wil, I love ya like the brother I’ll never have. But there’s just about no excuse for spelling Cream Creem. I mean, it’s a travesty, man. 🙂
Other than that, as a father myself, I really enjoy your insights on fatherhood – and “backup QB” aside, you’re doing a great job, don’t kid your self.
Homework vs. D&D… yeah homework comes first, hands down. But let me tell you how we once convinced a teacher to let us play D&D on school time.
This was in the spring of 1980, and I’d been playing for about three months at this point. I was also in one of those “gifted” programs at school where a few of us went off to a different classroom once a week for the day. It was just advanced subjects. It was a really free-form experience where you learned language issues, critical thinking, logical analysis, etc. The bulk of the day was spent on these little individual 20-minute tasks that you chose from a menu, provided that over the semester you did a minimum of each type: logic, language, etc. So it was kind of like a round-robin self-paced class. That in itself was pretty cool for a 12-year old.
Four of us got this idea that D&D just might fly with this teacher, so we asked him about it. He’d never heard of it, so we had to explain how it worked, that it wasn’t just a made-up game, and what its “educational” properties were. In retrospect, probably the most educational bit of it was that we had to sit back, think it over, and agree on what to propose as the educational qualities. We settled on gemeometry (for dice and mapmaking) and math (for combat resolution).
Impressed by our organization and earnestness, he agreed to let us spend one unit per day on it, which basically meant 20 minutes of D&D per week. Starting in April, he wasn’t actually giving up much class time. But we made the most of it by doing it between recess and lunch, choosing to stay in from recess and eat lunch in the classroom. Kids giving up recess to play some game of math, maps, and probabilities caught the teacher’s interest, so he became an avid observer. I think by the end of the year, we’d converted an adult into a new gamer.
Of course, this was in the days when you could still run around the playground making machine-gun noises. I think if he’d tried this today, he’d be up in front of the school board for encouraging violence and/or satanic rituals.
Another one across the goal line. And it doesn’t matter where you fall in the lineup, as long as you play like a first-stringer when you take the field. You’re doing that, Wil. And don’t ever doubt that the boys know it, and that they appreciate it. It’ll mean even more to them when they’re older. And it won’t matter that you aren’t their dad; it’ll only matter that you’re you. That’s what they’ll value.
A pint to you, mate.
I was very much looking forward to your update- especially since I wanted to know how your father-sons quality time went.
I think you’re doing a great job with Ryan and Nolan.
Wil,
A couple of other people have already said it, but I feel so strongly about it, I’m gonna echo them. Just because someone else contributed the sperm and was there before you does not make you any less a “real” father. Family is what you make it. Today they come in all shapes and sizes – and demographics. I’ll bet you Nolan and Ryan don’t see you as second string, or second best. You’re Wil, and you have a place all your own to them. We get so wrapped up in “One Mom, One Dad” that we forget it all really just boils down to “Parent”. Stop selling yourself short with the qualifiers of “step” and “backup QB”. You are their Parent, and that’s all they need you to be.
Nice story, BTW.
The kids are lucky to have you. You seem like a loving parent. 🙂
Wil,
I enoy reading about your experiences in parenting & I’m so glad to see another parent who has the same view as myself. So many parents I know want to be friends w/ their kid/s. What a mistake!!! Be friends w/ them when they are grown & have their own children.
I’m not here for a popularity contest. I’m a parent (ages 6 & 3). We still have fun together.
If someone can’t take hearing “I hate you” from a toddler just wait until the child is a teenager & screams it to your face.
I can’t wait to hear how your “game” goes.
Wil, you may not have been the sperm donor, but it sounds to me that the only one in that family hung up on the *step* thing is you…
I think the really important thing is which edition you’re playing. If it’s those crappy 2nd and 3rd edition D&D stuff, then let ’em do homework. If it’s 1st edition…. there’s no choice but to play dammit!
hey wil,
as always, thank you so much for sharing these times with us! you are such a great part of Ryan and Nolan’s life, and they know it, which makes it even greater!
All the best to your friend, i wish them all the best for their first child!
thanks again wil, you are an inspiration to us all.
rach
I’ve never been a parent, or a step-parent, and I never had a step-dad–my mom, bless her soul, did not know how to pick men as well as Anne did when she picked you. But if I had had a step-dad, and if I’m ever a step-mom, you’re my example about what’s right in that world.
And I realized long ago that only one of my near blood relatives was really my family, and that was my mom. My family today includes people I’ve known for three decades and people I’ve known for a year…and no one with whom I share DNA.
Keep up the good work, Dad.
Wil,
Kudos and respect from a fellow dad.
Keep us posted on how the D&D thing works out.
All the best!
JKB
I’d say you’ve got the position pretty well filled. 😉 I’m sure that both Nolan and Ryan will look back and appreciate the friend, but parent first, that you were to them.
I look back and often wonder how my parents did it… and whether or not I’ll be able to do it when my husband and I decide to have children. I asked my mom once… “How did you raise us to be so level headed?” She just told me that she got lucky. Not the answer I wanted. LOL
Nice, Wil. I didn’t want to cry today, but that did it for me. I’m too young to have kids, but I envy you anyhow. It’s nice to be surrounded with love.
Take care.
Aww.
I remember growing up having two step dads. I didn’t remember my actual dad too much so i remember immediately clinging to my first one. I instantly became a “daddy’s girl” even though he wasn’t my real dad.
My second step-dad took a bit of time getting used to and at times i could say i really hated him (he got all the teenaged years). But i never got around to saying i loved him or anything. This past year he adopted me and now i have his last name because he felt more like a dad to me than any other father i’ve ever had. Now its weird calling him “Dad” rather than “Jim” and its weird saying “I love you” on the phone probably because i’ve known him for so long…but it feels great in my heart to say i have a dad.
I love reading your entries about how difficult it is being a stepdad because it gives me some perspective on how difficult it must’ve been for him to raise 4 kids (yeah…four of us, not just two) who weren’t his. Thank you for sharing, Wil…it really means a lot to me.
Cream. Not “Creem” 🙂
Wil,
“Lee Harvey…. I heard about you, when you tried to make it with the Cow… you and I have to party, but together… forget it.”
You remind me of that Quote from Stripes, well sorta.. not really.. ok.. how do you erase a comment?
really nice entry, Wil. I’ve got a 10 month old lil’ girl… I’ve already got it straight to not be her “friend”, thus leaving the parent role secondary. But, will I be able to NOT be wrapped around her adorable lil’ finger every time she wants something, lol.
“42” I haven’t heard that answer in a while… looks like it’s time to re-read that five book trilogy, again!
Regarding “Creem” v. “Cream.”
Thank you for pointing out my insanely stupid error. I *knew* it was “Cream,” but I was thinking of the magazine, I guess. It has since been corrected.
I lose 120 rock-n-roll points for that one.
(But I *do* recall the Mötley Crüe issue with the ashtray that supposedly shot into the ceiling at Nikki Sixx’s house. So I get 5 points back for that one.)
Crap…if Nolan AND Ryan are responsible enough to do their homework, I should really turn off the SAG Awards and do mine, eh?
Thanks for a great story, Wil. You rawk.
\m/
You’re doing great, Wil. As a stepfather myself, I love it that my stepson, the 18 year-old geek, gives me a hug and kisses the bald spot on my head. Now, if I could only convince him the King Bush II is a, well, is something I wouldn’t repeat in polite company! You can’t win ’em all… He’ll eventually come ’round!
Hey Wil,
Just remember… even Brett Favre was once a backup QB… and how many people remember who he was the backup for? 😉
Ok I have been reading your blog for about a month now and I must say this one hit home for me. I am a dad 36 yrs. old witha 5 yr old. Now my friends call me Mr. Mean aand for good reason, I will not hesitate to speak to someone if there kids are running to and fro in a resturant or public place or if someone is using alot of profanity!
I am right at 6′ and about 215lbs not a little guy and I had a tear come to my eye on this one. Will never think of yourself as a “step” dad…you have the full fledged certs man!
And I truly believe tough love but I think you know that with the kids they can smell fear! 🙂
Take care Mr Wheaton. You are a good father in my book.
damn, that sucks you didnt get to play d&d. we got together with a bunch of friends this weekend and played. we were looking forward to your post-write-up about it.
~~ Colette
Oh, suddenly I realize that Nolan and Ryan are probably made-up names or their dad is a baseball fan. That took me way longer than it should have.
PS, you never replied to me as to whether it was alright that I had linked to you. I still have, so tell me now if there’s a problem. Sorry the e-mail wasn’t encrypted but I don’t know how to do that. And you may not finger me for anything.
Wil my friend… you are wise beyond your years .. I am a 50 year old parent and am just figuring out some of the wisdom about parenting you related in this post. (yes .. mine is a teenager too)
I like it when you make these posts from the heart.
Thanks for making me smile. 🙂
Wil,
Two thumbs up for you. Our family is much like yours in almost every way. They are amazing…our children. They mean so much to us, and we can’t wait until they are older, yet we want them to stay small. I watch my boys sleep, and wonder what I did to recieve such a gift. Good parents are hard to find, but we do exist. Keep up the good work Wil…keep up the good work!
Wil,
To me, you have one of the hardest jobs in the world. You are a parent. It seems like you are doing a good job. You go, go, go!
FG
Hey, look at it this way…you’ve got time to finish your homework now…
Seriously, I love your posts about parenthood, even though my spouse and I will never enter that state. You are an awesome parent of any variety: birth, step, or whatever.
You totally rock, man…
AND THE SAG AWARD FOR ACTOR
in a supporting role as step-father
in a Comedy-Drama that for un-known reasons
doesn’t get the financial support it deserves
AND AS ACTOR having written one book, working
on a second-soon-to-=be released (hopefully)
GOES TO !! WIL WHEATON!
Wil couldn’t be here tonight to grab his award and run, for he’s working hard, at home
playing with the wife and kids somewhere in
flooding Pasadena..
here’s to you Wil!
Thank you, for being an inspirational example for all of us. I can only hope that I am lucky enough to marry a man as thoughtful as you. Thank you.
So no follow-up on how the Feb 19 game actually went? Were foul kobolds slain? Undead minions sent packing? Was glorious treasure scooped up from tattered chests?
They want to play again, so there must’ve been some rockin’ stuff that happened. What’s the scoop?
Wil,
What are you doing to our reps? Teaching your kids responsibilities, and priorities?
Homework before gaming? Geez…I bet you aren’t going to buy them a Klingon costume and let them live in your basement when they grow up either? 🙂
Oh, the humanity of it all.
Good parenting Wil.
Kirk
awwwwwww. Wil that is so sweet. Man, you rock.