I just finished my two hours of Just A Geek rewrites for today, and I am so emotionally drained I think I’m going to fall over.
Because JAG is based entirely on my real life, and the foundation for the book is the WWdN weblog, I have to revisit some very painful times in the retelling.
For those familiar with The Hero’s Journey, I’m somewhere around the Resurrection portion of The Road Back, which took place around the end of April, 2002. The title of the chapter is The Bottom, and it’s all about how the shitty entertainment industry and my repeated failures as an actor threatened to really destroy me as a husband, son, and father. I use a lot of weblog entries to share the story, but the real inner thoughts haven’t ever been vocalized to a large audience, and it’s sort of extremely scary to be so nakedly honest about one of the worst times in my life.
I knew that I’d hit my wall today when I was looking at a paragraph and thought, “I really need to dramatize this, and turn it from dispassionate narration into a scene . . . but I just don’t have the emotional energy do it now.”
45 thoughts on “keep my hands by my side”
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You are not a failed actor. Wesley Crusher will be still in repeats until long after you and I are gone and every girl I have ever dated had a major crush on you then. I just wish you did a commentary track on the Stand By Me DVD.
It’s really scary to revisit feelings like that when you write – I’ve done it, and it kind of sucks the life out of you. But that’s what makes great writing.
Dearest Wil,
I know it must be extremely hard to relive certain times..dark times that you wish you could just leave under the bed. I can’t tell you how much it means to me as a fan that you’re willing to go to those places and print out your life on the pages that I am lucky enough to get to read. Thank you, Wil. I can’t wait.
Ouch. Been there – it’s entirely too draining to write about bad experiences, and I think part of that reason is because you’re forcing yourself to live through them again, in a way. The few really angsty story-arcs I’ve done were incredibly hard to write, even harder to draw, and agony to actually put online and let people *read* – but after I finished them, I felt better. It’s like an emotional cleansing of sorts.
One of the best parts of looking back at those rough parts of your life is realizing how far you’ve come as a human being. I’m not proud of some of the things I’ve done in the last couple of years (that I’ve yet to commit to paper or the Internet, and I may never do so), but I know that a lot of those decisions I made brought me to where I am today.
Make sure you balance your reading of the shitty times with some of your recent Snoopy Happy Dance posts of good times shared with Anne and the boys. And remember that we’re all here pulling for you, kid… 🙂
Wil,
I’ve been reading your journal for a while now, not because I’m a big fan of your childhood acting, but because I’m a big fan of the person you became afterwords. You support causes I support, you like books and movies that I like, you say things in your journal that my friends say to each other. You took on the difficult role of “step-father” with obvious nervousness, and love. A lot of love. I’ve been smiling for the last few days, reading about your d20 adventures, because I’m a 30 year old woman with a secret stash of 1st ed D&D books in my library. I went to college for screenwriting and you’re right, the industry sucks. I switched instead to being a freelance writer, articles and reviews and essays, which gave me time to be a mom … a decision I’ll never regret, no matter how non-famous I end up being.
The point of all of this is that I am anxiously awaiting your new book. I will happily go out and buy it as soon as it’s released; if you have a signing in N. California I will happily drive out there with my husband, who also reads you everyday , to get you to sign it. Thank you for putting this site together and sharing everything that you do.
Well, Wil, I went back to those posts you cited, and the thing that struck me about them is that in every one, even while you are miserable at the way the industry is treating you at that time, you have something really nice to say about someone (Sean Astin, Tony Sepulveda, Andrew Golder).
And that, dear Wil, says a lot about YOU!
So, please think of those good people while you are revisiting the painful times – they are still out there.
———-
/ \
/ REST \
/ IN \
/ PEACE \
/ \
| Wil Wheaton |
| 23 Au |
| killed by the |
| wrath of |
| James Cameron |
| |
| 2004 |
*| * * * | *
_________)/\\_//(\/(/\)/\//\/|_)_______
I can imagine how draining it is to have to rehash all those harsh memories, but in the end it will make the book better. Your emotional intensity really comes through in your writing, and it draws the reader in. You sound like you need a break for the evening though!
D’oh! That didn’t work as expected.
Revisiting heavy emotion is rough. I don’t write as much as I should, because it hurts a lot.
But when we do, it helps…
Even if just to realize how much it still hurts.
I usually think that when I’m going through the horrible times in my life that my writing is similar to my emotions… it seems as crappy as I feel.
And then a wonderful thing happens. When I go back and look at, I see strength there, and definite change.
Transformation is difficult, analyzing ourselves and our writing is tremendously hard, but the rewards do exceed the pain.
I have enjoyed your writing on this site immensely, and I’m sure that the experiences you are writing about for Just A Geek will benefit everyone that reads it. You do make a difference with every word you write. And you make me want to become a better writer.
Mr. Wheaton,
Yeah, so I’m writing in the form of a letter. What’s it to you?
Anyway, I have to agree that the painful stuff, the stuff we don’t want to write about is the stuff we need to write about. If we don’t, we risk allowing it to transform itself into something more insidious in our lives. It’ll hide underneath the skin and turn rotten our happiness because there is something wrong we choose to ignore.
I can’t say I’ve been published nor is there a deal in the works for me. What I can say is that you have a fantastic opportunity to explore your pain in a public forum that allows for a combined cartharsis. Yeah, you probably already know that. But I’ve found with my own writings that it’s nice to hear when someone is on the same page as you.
Take care and be well…
M.
Hardcore kudos to you for being braver than i to relive the painful experiences to write your book. Mine is at it’s hault for that exact reason. Thanks for the inspiration.
What matters is that you have taken those horrid things in your life and found the way to convert them into sarcastic bitterness to make others laugh. That humor could be of good use to get out of being type cast. Hey, it worked for Margaret Cho.
I haven’t read any of your books yet, but after looking over your site I’m going to have to check them out. Hang in there with JAG.
Good for you. That kind of introspection is always a tough thing to do, especially knowing that you’ve already shared enough of yourself that there can be no dodging the bullet.
(And the next time you feel like being nakedly honest, take pics, sweetie.) 😉
Wil,
It is cool to set high goals, for yourself. You have had some great parts. You want more great parts. Finding and getting that part is a job in itself. I know that you will not stop, no matter what.
FG
Reading over all the posts from years ago (remembering many) especially the April Fools Joke, and the fact that it could have been about “Stand By Me (2)”, and then the letter by Richard Dreyfuss.
Can we a see a film with a thirtysomthing Wil Wheaton sitting at a computer writing and narrating “JAG” ?. The ultimate scene would be WFS running across a SiFi convention stage and the audience shouting
“WIL, SICK BALLS”.
Your writing seems to touch many of us who visits this site, we can relate to certain/many of your experiences and it makes us feel good not to be alone.
Surely a recipe for success.
do you know if your book will be released in the uk? i really really really want to read it but i cant!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
someone help!
oh and wil, i fancy wesley still! and i love stand by me too. its not you its them!
best wishes
ellie
Hey guy –
I’ve been writing classics stuff, so I feel the need to open up with a quote –
(True enough literally, it’s also true metaphorically:)
Soon enough, remember, you yourself must become a vagrant thing of nothingness; soon enough that ynow meets your eye, together with all those in whom is now the breath of life must be no more. For all things are born to change and pass away and perish, that others may in their turn come to be.
— Marcus Aurelius
I think that’s a good metaphorical way of saying that you grow from the experiences you have. You have to. People grow in different ways; their old selves dying and their newselves rising from the ashes.
One of the most important things a person can do is realize that every action, every experience, every pain, and every pleasure leads them to who they are today. If you are happy with who you are today (and, imho, you should be) then the past shouldn
hey wil,
i don’t have anything nearly so deep and meaningful as some of these other posts…(i’m just not creative enough in that department) anyway…
so i think about all i can do, is just to give you all the encouragment i can. Having never been in a position where i have to dig down into those parts of the memory where you store all evil bits, it would be very easy for me to say..well, good job, keep it up. so i’m not going to!
i am gonna say, you are an incredible writer, an awesome person, and above all a cherished husband, son and father.
“and that’s all i have to say about that.”
take care wil
rach
It’s probably because for the sake of the posts you softened your disappointments and anger, but I think you’re being a little melodramatic. “my repeated failures as an actor threatened to really destroy me as a husband, son, and father…” Ummm… You couldn’t go on vacation with your family. I
Sorry, guy, I just don’t have a heck of a lot of sympathy for someone who can live a lifestyle like yours by working for only two hours per day. What do you think life is like for the rest of us?
I can not wait to buy and read your books… If your blog, itself, wasn’t enough, this entry just totally sold me.
gah… stupid me… I just realized I can go ahead and get the first one, can’t I?
*running to amazon*
Wil, I have so much respect for you. I have a hard time even telling my best friend about the hard times I’ve been through… and there’s one thing that I ache to tell her so much sometimes, but I can’t. So the fact that you’re writing this in a book that people can read, I have the most enormous respect for you. Know that we appreciate it and that telling this story will help many people.
One more time, Wil:
Won-der-boys!!!!
JAG is based entirely on your real life? I never knew you were a Navy lawyer.
I’ve said it before, but for someone I’ve never met (except at the Powell’s Books in Beaverton reading of Dancing Barefoot – I was the one whose 18-month-old kept crying no matter where in the store I was standing, sorry everyone) you have been way too much of an inspiration to me.
Thanks Wil and keep up the good work – I very much look forward to the new book!
You are getting a bum rap on the “failed actor” comments. Repeated failures and being a failure are light-years apart. I usually don’t like actors, because actors seem phoney. I was trying to figure out why I don’t lump you into that group, when I thought about what I felt when I watched Comic Book: The Movie. What I got out of that was that Mark Hamill gets it. He gets us. He is us.
That is what makes him successful to me. The industry sucks. Anything with that much money driving it is going to suck. That is what makes it special when we find out that fanboy icons like the guy who was Luke Skywalker and the guy who was Wesley Crusher turn out to be one of us — someone who enjoys the fantasy, who enjoys the mental gymnastics, and isn’t afraid to admit to it. Being a good actor doesn’t mean working all the time. (See “Keanu Reeves”.) Being a good actor means performing well.
(And why weren’t you in Comic Book: The Movie? I hope you have a good excuse, like “I was working” or “I figured that being in that lampoonish piece of trash would ruin my career.”)
It makes me sad when you call yourself a failed actor. I think that you are an amazing person, and whether or not the “industry” recognizes that is beside the point. You have simply had the misfortune of being the guy who played a genius kid on a sci-fi TV series. It could happen to any actor, and it doesn’t mean that you suck. I, for one, look forward to your next creative work, whether it be an acting job or a book. You are too young and too talented to give up or talk trash about yourself.
As a writer and editor, the best writing I’ve read comes from individuals willing to write from the heart. Not many people want to do this, so you’re one brave person Wil Wheaton!
Wil, I totally understand. I’ve often toyed with the idea of writing my own (albeit unfascinating) memoirs, but there are too many painful things in my past that I’d frankly prefer didn’t exist in the first place…but I suppose even the bad stuff has made me who I am today. I guess what I’m trying to say is, more power to you, Wil. Can’t wait to read it!
We’ll always have Mr. Stitch . . . Here’s a long lost photo of you Wil . . .
http://severdia.com
Actually, it’s probably a good thing that your writing brings up some rather harsh memories. It reminds me of Houses In Motion from Dancing Barefoot. Though I haven’t had the chance to read it yet, I did read your blog around the time you were writing it. As I recall, that process helped you come to terms with your loss a bit better.
Keep it up, Wil. Even if you are a failed actor (which we all think you’re not), you’re going to be a successful author. Not to mention the fact that you’re a successful step-father, husband, friend, and leader of an online community of fellow geeks, nerds, and average Joe’s & Jane’s. There’s no way you’re a failure.
Now get back in there and write! JAG is going to be a great read, and we can’t wait for it to hit the shelves!
I’ve heard stories about nightmarish auditions like the ones you’ve posted on your blog… I do think it sucks being strung-along, and it is a complete waste of time…
But I think the difference between yourself and other actors out there is your complete level-headedness in approaching things… Your lucky to have such a strong family dynamic as well!
Hi honey,
I dont know what to say except….
You wrote the truth, how you felt at that time made you who you are today! A strong, passionate, talented writer with vision!
You will read things and get caught up in it, i do all the time!
Words cant express the impact you have had on me, you are an inspiration and i cant wait to read JAG cause i know its going to be the most fantastic insight into my heros life!
In my opinion you have always been an amazing Actor, writer and one of my greatest Heros.
i hope you feel better soon.
Love you lots
Andrea x
An eternal optimist will always say that facing your fears is a positive thing. In essence, whether it’s positive or negative, is relative. 🙂
It’s ok to retrieve that protective skin and shelter yourself from painful self-expression (especially to the public). I think it’s perfectly acceptable for you to limit exposing very tender and painful parts of your life to others.
I also feel, that unless you’re the only person that’s going to read the book, you owe it to yourself to leave the most sensative and painful parts of your life, exclusively to a personal diary, and not a published work.
From what is already being shared, it’s surely going to be a great read, regardless of the level exposure that exists.
Whatever doesn’t kill you, makes you stronger, but strength is nothing without happiness.
eric b
I think the word you’re looking for is Cathartic.
What you’re doing is therapy and its healthy, yeah it hurts like a bitch but hell, its free!!!! And I’m with that Carrie Pavlin chick, I like you for who you are now, I wasn’t a huge NG watcher, but you as a person are exactly who I like to hang out with.
Hey, you aren’t a loser, man. You stopped being a loser when you got married. Losers aren’t married–it takes a lot of non-loserishness to do that.
You’re not a crappy father either. Near as I can tell, you’re pretty freaking good. Of course if I find out differently it will be too late, but as of this moment, you seem to be A-OK with me.
You’re right on the kobold thing. They’re like punks. Run, shoot, run… Hate them. They suck.
Uh, I guess that’s it. Keep up the good work, and don’t let the bastiches get you down. Hugs from the wife and kids are more magical than you can possibly explain.
Later, tater.
FF7
All in good time. You need those breaks every day. You eventually reach that point after working for hours when you just can’t do any more. And that’s OK.
Wil, you’re in Mad Magazine!!!!1!!11!11!!!!!!nelfq
Hey, did they do a spoof of Stand by Me?
-K
Angela!
Cathartic!
Yes! perfect word 🙂
I am in the middle of drafting a plan to write my own book about certain things that I just cannot even begin to go into now, but basically I have to revisit times in my life that I have blocked out, so I am really confronting those ordeals for the first time in my life. I most definitely think I can relate to the emotionally draining feeling you speak of. Just keep going Wil! Your book is going to be amazing; I can’t wait to read it. It is such an accomplishment to write a book, even more so to lay your personal heart and soul into those pages.
I have my fingers crossed for you, please do the same for me.
Take care Wil and anyone who reads this!
Love Rach x
I consider this ironic now, and I’m kicking myself for not mentioning it to her when I saw her last Christmas….
When I was living for a brief while with my mom, I discovered my little sister, in the year and a half that we hadn’t seen each other since our parents split up, had grown up and become a boy-mad teenager with a ton of pop posters on her bedroom walls. Half of them were of either Wil Wheaton or his alter ego Wesley Crusher. I got to admit I didn’t like the little dweeb from Star Trek, I thought it was the token annoying kid who solves everything.
Between then and now, I left home, never ever patching things up with mom, got married, etc, etc. Wesley became a more interesting character as time went on (I loved the last few episodes of TNG he was in).
And now, over a decade since the Wil Wheaton posters on my sister’s walls, it’s me who now admires the man and to some degree the character, and it’s not because he’s a cute kid with a kitten who features on pop magazine posters.
Showbusiness can be a cruel mistress but there’s a lot of people out there who don’t think of Wil Wheaton as the failed actor, the lost cause or ‘That little @@@@ Wesley from TNG’
They see the father, the husband, the ambassador to geekdom. Ogrek found WWDN and the first thing he told me was that he was a roleplayer and a comedian.
I used to have a saying that I’d use a lot during the early days of Wesley Crusher; “I don’t want to be rich and famous, I just want to be well known and well off.”
Well, Wil, you’re definitely well known; and as for well off I think you’re far richer for the life you have now, the loving family and the people who see you as more than a kid on Star Trek.
“it’s sort of extremely scary to be so nakedly honest about one of the worst times in my life.”
I can understand that. Just finished a book that covers tough issues. It’s all worth it in the end if you can keep your muse going though. Can’t wait until it’s all done. 🙂
It is impossible for your friends and fans to think of you as a “failed actor”.
You are and – I suspect – always will be a successful husband, father, social critic, humorist, writer… AND actor.
Bill in Bethlehem, PA