lying in odessa – part two

Note: readers who are unfamiliar with hold-em rules can find them at ultimate bet dot com. Readers who are unfamiliar with poker terminology may want to read This glossary from CNN first. Or don’t. I’m not the boss of you.
Part one of this story is here.

***

The game starts at 8. My watch — a gift from Sean Astin when we were promoting Toy Soldiers in Japan — says it’s 7:55. The tables are starting to fill up, so I ask the bartender for a glass of water. I take it, tip him a dollar, and head for my table.
The blinds start out at 5-10, and double every 30 minutes. I have studied my Sklansky and Jones faithfully for the last ten days or so, and I have what I think is a solid game plan: Play extremely tight, but aggressive. Only premium hands, no chasing, and no raising before the flop unless I’m sitting on AA or AK. For the first two levels, whenever I have something worth playing, I’ll skip sandbagging and just bet into the raisers. No free cards, just survive. I thought it was a good strategy, and I hoped that my opponents wouldn’t catch on that I was only in the pot when I had the nuts. I figured that if I wasn’t the first one out, I’d be happy.
My seat is the only empty one at Table Two. I put my coat over the back of my chair, stack my chips, and sit down. Everyone at my table seems to know each other. They’re the regulars, I guess, and I’ve read enough to know that I’m already at a disadvantage.
The table looks like this:
Seat One: Mr. Lawyer.
Seat Two: Mr. Magician.
Seat Three: Mr. Agent’s Assistant.
Seat Four: Mrs. Funnypants.
Seat Five: Mr. Webmaster.
Seat Six: Mr. First Time Player.
Seat Seven: Mrs. Beautiful.
Seat Eight: Mr. I’m In The Music Industry.
When we cut for the deal, Mr. Lawyer gets the ace of spades. I draw the two of clubs. I hope it’s not an omen.
We play a few hands, but my cards are shit, and I don’t get into any pots. It’s okay, I’ll be patient. Stick to the plan.
For a game in Hollywood, there’s precious little coffehousing, until Mr. Lawyer says to me, “Hey guy, aren’t you an actor?”
I hate that question, because I always have to answer, “I used to be.”
“Whaddaya mean, ‘used to be?'” Says the guy to my right. He’s a Webmaster from Long Beach who could have saved an hour on the freeway and played at the Bicycle, but I find out later that he comes here because he’s a starfucker.
“I haven’t done any acting in a long time. I’m a writer now.” This answer doesn’t seem to satisfy them, so I say, “I only act when something really great comes along.”
(“That is, before my agents dropped me a year ago. Where the hell is Shane?”)
“What show do you write for?” Says Mr. Agent’s Assistant.
“Oh, I don’t work in the Industry. I write books.”
A knowing look passes among them. “You published?” He says.
“Yeah.” I don’t want to talk about myself any more. I look down at my cards and find more rags. I study them like they’re suited connectors and start counting my checks.
“How’d you find out about this game?” Mr. Agent’s Assistant says.
The bet comes to me. I give my rags another look, and throw them away.
“I’m a friend of Shane’s.”
They all laugh, and I find out that Shane is the deadest of dead money. Everyone likes him, but they like his poor play even more.
“I hope you play better than he does, guy,” says Mr. Lawyer.
I shrug my shoulders. I am beginning to hate Mr. Lawyer. First of all, he’s a lawyer. Second of all, he keeps calling me “guy.” Finally, I know that he’s stealing blinds, but I’m not going to move on him because I’m sticking to my plan.
Later: I’m four seats behind the big blind. There’s a raise and a couple of callers. I throw away 9-2 off suit, and the flop comes 9-2-x. Fourth street is a deuce, and the river is an ace. I’m pretty sure I made the right play . . . I would have been out of my mind to play 9-2 off-suit, especially with a raise before the flop, but Mr. I’m In The Music Industry wins it with AQ. Would have been nice to take it down, but I’m sticking to the plan.
I don’t see anything worth playing until the blinds are up to 25-50. I hold AJs in the big blind. Mrs. Beautiful folds behind me, Mr. Lawyer raises, and everyone else folds around to Mr. Webmaster, who calls from the small blind. All I can think about is Mr. Lawyer stealing the blinds, and calling me “guy.” I’m gonna sandbag this guy. I call. The flop is a rainbow: 5-8-J. Mr Lawyer checks, Mr. Webmaster checks, I bet 50. Mr. Lawyer raises me 50. I think for a second that he may be holding a jack, but I can’t stop thinking about that 9-2 I threw away, and I’m looking at top pair with a fucking bullet kicker, so I raise 200. He calls immediately, and Mr. Webmaster folds. Oh shit.
The turn is a blank, and the river is a 6. I look at the board: 5-8-J-x-6. I wonder to myself if he’s playing 7-4.
I think, “How in the WORLD can you call 200 on a draw, with four outs? There’s no way. No way at all. If he played 7-4, I’m dead, but I’ve got about half my stack in this pot . . .”
I’m first to act, and I think I’ll check raise. He checks back . . . and flips over 7-fucking-4.
“What the hell are you doing playing 7-4?!” I say.
“I guess I’m taking a whole bunch of your money, guy.” Mr. Lawyer says, and he does.
“The first thing we do is kill all the lawyers,” I think, and I realize that I’ve been on tilt since I sat down. I’m pissed at myself for not playing that hand wisely. I did everything wrong, because I let this fucking lawyer get under my skin.
I should have moved all-in on the flop . . . right?
I’m not sure.
The only thing I am sure of right now is that I played that hand like shit.
I’m better than this.
I’m not a fish.
Where the fuck is Shane?

89 thoughts on “lying in odessa – part two”

  1. awesome story man. i wish i could find a game like this in my hometown. washington dc. anybody know of one? email me, since it’s probably illegal.

  2. 7-4! It boggles the mind… It just means this lawyer guy pays you off when he misses his inside straight later…right? Are you factoring in position when you are selecting hands? ie, I think you could be going in with stuff slightly less than premium if you’re on the button. It’s great to read about your experiences as a budding poker player!

  4. Don’t worry Wil, actors are always intimidated by lawyers. We are polar opposites of lawyers, so it’s natural to be rubbed the wrong way by them. I noticed you are playing very conservatively, I think I would notice you only jump in when you think you have strong cards. You know, me and Sean played a few games up at Dan’s. It was an awesomely fun game, for much lower stakes than what you were playing at the “Odessa”. I played O.K., but usually got taken by Dan’s father, also named Dan.(that last bit was for anyone who was NOT in the cast of “Toy Soldiers”) I do remember leaving a game once to hit up the A.T.M., but Astin still retains the nickname, “Versateller”. Ya know, now that I think of it, there are a few writers/producers out there holding onto a marker or two of mine. I hope when I hit it big again that they don’t turn them all in at once. Actually I hope they don’t ever turn them in, but that wouldn’t be any fun now, would it?

  5. Now, I am not a good poker player or anything, but a 7-4! Although a novice, I wouldn’t have played that! (But then again I am never as lucky as Mr. Lawyer.)
    Take his money, Will! Take it for all of us who are your loyal readers!

  6. See, now, these are the reasons why I don’t play poker. Not that I would have any money to play anyway.
    I hope this story gets better for you. I mean, you start winning some money, right? I mean, you don’t lose really big and have to pay off the mafia, right? (or is that just some silly movie I finished watching.)
    Anyway, I hope it ends well.

  7. A man went to a brain store to get some brain to complete a study. He sees a sign remarking on the quality of professional brain offerred at this particular brain store. He begins to question the butcher about the cost of these brains.
    “How much does it cost for engineer brain?”
    “Three dollars an ounce.”
    “How much does it cost for programmer brain?”
    “Four dollars an ounce.”
    “How much for lawyer brain?”
    “$1,000 an ounce.”
    “Why is lawyer brain so much more?”
    “Do you know how many lawyers we had to kill to get one ounce of brain?”

  9. MORE! I want more!
    I want to see you take that smart ass lawyer down so bad right now I can taste it!
    What the hell was he doing playing that hand?

  10. Ah, the writer AND the entertainer’s code: Always leave them wanting more.
    Durn you, Uncle Willie. Get to the good part where you took the lawyer for a ride on the Bankrupt Express!

  12. You can feel the power now can’t you WILhelm? You’ve got everyone begging for more but no…you stop and think ‘perhaps I’ll just thread it out a little bit more, I’ll mess with their minds and tortue their souls’, but to be fair you’re description of the lawyer guy is pretty accurate-they are, basically, all doodoo heads

  13. Have you read “Positively Fifth Street,” by Jim McManus? He’s a writer who lives in Chicago (teaches at the School of the Art Institute of Chicago), and he parlays a 4K Harper’s advance (for an article about a Vegas murder and about the World Series of Poker) into a buy-in at a satellite tournament and manages to win a spot in the World Series. Makes it to the final table, too. It’s a pretty fascinating book.
    Anyway. I’m digging this story. You’ve got an excellent sense for where to stop to leave your readers jonesing for more.

  14. Rachel: I am. That’s one of my favorite poker books of all time. I rank it right next to “Big DeAl.” The battle between Good Jim and Bad Jim is outstanding.
    I missed McManus by one day when he came to Vroman’s in Pasadena, goddammit.

  15. My husband has been dabbling in texas hold-em gambling as of late–mostly online and avidly watching on Bravo. Sorry to hear the lawyer was getting under your skin. There’s nothing worse than a smooth player who also turns out to be a real pain in the ass. Looking forward to hearing the remainder of the story. Your ability to weave words together into images and sounds and smells is outstanding. Thank you for sharing it with us!

  16. Poker is a cruel game.
    Everyone expecting the lawyer to get his comeuppance later in this story is PROBABLY going to be disappointed. No matter how much skill is involved in poker, it is also still a game of chance. Chances are now heavily in Mr. Lawyer’s favor, since he has the chips to bully out middling hands. Mr. Lawyer can now afford to face Wil going all-in and lose since it now risks less than a third of Mr. Lawer’s chips, while Wil would be risking everything.
    Of course I want Wil to win the tournament, but it isn’t looking very promising right now. Be prepared for the possibility that this story is a tragedy. Bad cards happen to good people.

  18. Woo hoo! High-stakes poker! Love it I do, yes, mmmmmm. But enough of the Yoda speak. This one’s a very interesting story, and I can’t wait to see how it pans out. Hopefully you had a chance to put Mr. Lawyer in his place. There’s a reason why Lawyers come between Pond Scum and Fungi on the evolutionary scale… Oh, I forgot. First it’s Rick Berman, then Pond Scum, then Lawyers, and then Fungi… My bad…

  20. This is my first time reading you, even though my friends over on LJ think you’re swell, and I wanted to say I think you have excellent story telling timing. The pace is very well proportioned and even. And its a nifty story. That’s all.

  21. First of all, this made me laugh hard as hell:
    I shrug my shoulders. I am beginning to hate Mr. Lawyer. First of all, he’s a lawyer. Second of all…
    Lawyers are scum.
    As for the poker, I think you played it fine. That’s the thing when you are playing with people you don’t know, you have no idea on how they play and have no reference on reading what they might have. For him to call you on a draw with 4 outs like that is stupid, and it will break him in the long run if he chases shit like that. Going all in after the flop may have made him back off, but what if he had two pair or pocket 5s? Then you would have lost your whole stack. You just have to know that mathematically what he did was not a good play, but he got lucky. I think you made a good play, but hey, I’m no Johnny Chan.

  22. You were caught playing the cards and not the player, but you know that now. =)
    Mr. Lawyer seems like the type of player to play a lot of hands and to chase pretty much anything. Keep playing tight and wait for your turn to take his money.
    The only way to beat a bad player is with the best hand.
    I can’t wait for the rest of the story!
    PS: what was the river?

  23. I would have played the lawyers hand the same way, waiting out the river while holding the small strait. But I take stupid risks and rarely leave the table while up. Come on Wil, your an actor, use those acting skills. (Of course, the game is already over, but I’m still rooting for you.

  24. Seeing that someone on my LJ friends list has a *watch* as a *present* from Sean Astin gets me way too excited. Even if it’s just a syndication feed from a celebrity who I don’t actually know.
    You’re awesome Wil but I am mad about Sean. 🙂

  25. Wil – No offense, but are you telling us the whole story? To begin with, what happened to the Turn? You’re only telling us about 4 cards on the board. Assuming it was a blank, you should have bet again on the Turn to force him to pay again on his draw . And why in the world would Lawyer guy check 4-7 on the river in that situation? He had the freakin nuts! He’d have either put you all-in if he thought you’d call it, or made a ~$100 bet if he thought it’d induce you into an all-in checkraise. But he’d never check to show you the nuts.

  27. I am guessing that the lawyer checked on the river because there was a possible flush on the table… all I can figure.
    I think you played the hand 100% perfectly, Wil.
    Four times out of five, that pot is yours.

  28. do you have a problem with all annoyingly generic nicknames forced upon you, or just “guy”? (i’m honestly interested, because i tend to default to calling everyone “dude”.)

  31. This enthused-amateur poker player thinks you did the right thing on that play, Wil. Bad luck that you were up against an asshat loose cannon (really, raising on the blind with a 7-4? Was it at least suited?), and as you say, top pair with an ace kicker is nothing to sneeze at. Without knowing what the turn was, I think it sounds like you played fine. The fact that he rivered you on pure luck just means he got a break he didn’t deserve.
    I’m hoping part 3 finds you getting some more insight on your opponent’s styles, loosening up your play a little and putting those actor skillz to work with with a little bluff action… Hard to play against a loose cannon like the lawyer, though, especially if it’s paying off for him and giving him more ammo. Hear’s hoping you gave him the smackdown at least once.

  32. For me, reading this story is like watching ER. I have absolutely no idea what you are saying in terms of the poker speak just like I am clueless in medical speak. So, hurry up and finish this story! I can’t wait! Great job Wil – really love the writing.
    -Christie from Oregon

  34. Lou: The Turn was a blank. I should have said:”The river is a 6. I look at the board: 5-8-J-6-x. I wonder to myself if he’s playing 7-4.”

  35. The best poker advice I ever picked up is: You only ever play one game of poker in your life. Sure, you play it at different places, at different times, and with different people, but it’s all only one game.
    Keeping that in mind makes statistical “anomalies”* like losing to a guy who only has 4 outs a lot more palatable. It’s all good because you know that in the one poker game you’re playing your whole life, you’re going to make money if you keep playing the way you do against opponents who play the way he did.
    -V
    * – They aren’t anomalies – they’re certainties if you play enough hands of poker.

  36. Wil,
    This is some of the best writing I’ve seen out of you in the six odd months I’ve been reading this site. Reminds me a lot of Tim Cahill (Road Fever) or very very early Hunter S. Thompson (Hell’s Angels). Although I enjoy your geekdom immensely, stuff like this has a much wider audience. I’m sure hoping Just a Geek doesn’t live up to it’s title too much because you’ve got a much wider audience out there.
    Thanks for the daily signs of intelligent life.

  38. I had an annoying teacher in high school who used ‘guy’ all the time…
    I tend to stay away from poker; I’m too easily separated from my money as it is.

  40. Which number were you? ha Good job, I love losing at poker, because I’m a better player the next hand, except for the fact that I’m still playing theh hand that I should have won the last time! (Which is probably why I suck at it.)

  43. Was his 4-7 suited? If so, it might be something I’d be tempted to play, depending on my stack. But if it was a 47o, no frelling way.
    The one thing I dislike most about poker is the maniacs, especially when they win hands with terrible cards and act like they’re the best player in the room. They do go down eventually, but it’s hard to have the patience to see that happen.

  44. Has it occurred to anyone else that this game, which is already “unofficial” going in, might not have been as “straight” as one would like? The players all knew each other, except Wil. What if there was a little collusion going on? A little seconds-dealing, or other shenanigans, to take advantage of the new guy? I mean, the way Mr. Lawyer played that hand isn’t exactly by the book, for a knowledegable poker player. Just an idea; I can’t wait to hear the rest of the story.

  47. hey wil,
    your writing is still kicking ass all over the place. its great!!
    and just as a side note, Toy Soldiers is one of my favourite movies, and to think that Keith Coogan left a comment here too, is just sooo cool! that movie totally ROCKS!!!
    can’t wait to hear the rest of the story!
    rach

  48. Wil,
    You may have learned a little more about poker if
    you had played more often with your mother (Doctor
    Crusher) Commander Riker, Worf and the rest of the gang. The very last scene of the last episode of Star Trek TNG they were all playing poker, including Captain Picard.
    Your friend, Freeman
    P.S. Your photo on eBay sold for over $100–out of my budget range. Sorry.

  49. … now, this sort of crap is why I don’t play poker often.
    Being a physics/math major kinda takes the supposed ‘fun’ element out of games of chance for me….
    If I was better at mentally counting cards, I might get into blackjack or something, but my math mojo is primarily in the area of signal processing, not statistics.

  50. I know jack about poker, and I’m still finding this story to be incredibly interesting. Your writing inspires me.

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