Note: readers who are unfamiliar with hold-em rules can find them at ultimate bet dot com. Readers who are unfamiliar with poker terminology may want to read This glossary from CNN first. Or don’t. I’m not the boss of you.
Part one of this story is here.
The game starts at 8. My watch — a gift from Sean Astin when we were promoting Toy Soldiers in Japan — says it’s 7:55. The tables are starting to fill up, so I ask the bartender for a glass of water. I take it, tip him a dollar, and head for my table.
The blinds start out at 5-10, and double every 30 minutes. I have studied my Sklansky and Jones faithfully for the last ten days or so, and I have what I think is a solid game plan: Play extremely tight, but aggressive. Only premium hands, no chasing, and no raising before the flop unless I’m sitting on AA or AK. For the first two levels, whenever I have something worth playing, I’ll skip sandbagging and just bet into the raisers. No free cards, just survive. I thought it was a good strategy, and I hoped that my opponents wouldn’t catch on that I was only in the pot when I had the nuts. I figured that if I wasn’t the first one out, I’d be happy.
My seat is the only empty one at Table Two. I put my coat over the back of my chair, stack my chips, and sit down. Everyone at my table seems to know each other. They’re the regulars, I guess, and I’ve read enough to know that I’m already at a disadvantage.
The table looks like this:
Seat One: Mr. Lawyer.
Seat Two: Mr. Magician.
Seat Three: Mr. Agent’s Assistant.
Seat Four: Mrs. Funnypants.
Seat Five: Mr. Webmaster.
Seat Six: Mr. First Time Player.
Seat Seven: Mrs. Beautiful.
Seat Eight: Mr. I’m In The Music Industry.
When we cut for the deal, Mr. Lawyer gets the ace of spades. I draw the two of clubs. I hope it’s not an omen.
We play a few hands, but my cards are shit, and I don’t get into any pots. It’s okay, I’ll be patient. Stick to the plan.
For a game in Hollywood, there’s precious little coffehousing, until Mr. Lawyer says to me, “Hey guy, aren’t you an actor?”
I hate that question, because I always have to answer, “I used to be.”
“Whaddaya mean, ‘used to be?'” Says the guy to my right. He’s a Webmaster from Long Beach who could have saved an hour on the freeway and played at the Bicycle, but I find out later that he comes here because he’s a starfucker.
“I haven’t done any acting in a long time. I’m a writer now.” This answer doesn’t seem to satisfy them, so I say, “I only act when something really great comes along.”
(“That is, before my agents dropped me a year ago. Where the hell is Shane?”)
“What show do you write for?” Says Mr. Agent’s Assistant.
“Oh, I don’t work in the Industry. I write books.”
A knowing look passes among them. “You published?” He says.
“Yeah.” I don’t want to talk about myself any more. I look down at my cards and find more rags. I study them like they’re suited connectors and start counting my checks.
“How’d you find out about this game?” Mr. Agent’s Assistant says.
The bet comes to me. I give my rags another look, and throw them away.
“I’m a friend of Shane’s.”
They all laugh, and I find out that Shane is the deadest of dead money. Everyone likes him, but they like his poor play even more.
“I hope you play better than he does, guy,” says Mr. Lawyer.
I shrug my shoulders. I am beginning to hate Mr. Lawyer. First of all, he’s a lawyer. Second of all, he keeps calling me “guy.” Finally, I know that he’s stealing blinds, but I’m not going to move on him because I’m sticking to my plan.
Later: I’m four seats behind the big blind. There’s a raise and a couple of callers. I throw away 9-2 off suit, and the flop comes 9-2-x. Fourth street is a deuce, and the river is an ace. I’m pretty sure I made the right play . . . I would have been out of my mind to play 9-2 off-suit, especially with a raise before the flop, but Mr. I’m In The Music Industry wins it with AQ. Would have been nice to take it down, but I’m sticking to the plan.
I don’t see anything worth playing until the blinds are up to 25-50. I hold AJs in the big blind. Mrs. Beautiful folds behind me, Mr. Lawyer raises, and everyone else folds around to Mr. Webmaster, who calls from the small blind. All I can think about is Mr. Lawyer stealing the blinds, and calling me “guy.” I’m gonna sandbag this guy. I call. The flop is a rainbow: 5-8-J. Mr Lawyer checks, Mr. Webmaster checks, I bet 50. Mr. Lawyer raises me 50. I think for a second that he may be holding a jack, but I can’t stop thinking about that 9-2 I threw away, and I’m looking at top pair with a fucking bullet kicker, so I raise 200. He calls immediately, and Mr. Webmaster folds. Oh shit.
The turn is a blank, and the river is a 6. I look at the board: 5-8-J-x-6. I wonder to myself if he’s playing 7-4.
I think, “How in the WORLD can you call 200 on a draw, with four outs? There’s no way. No way at all. If he played 7-4, I’m dead, but I’ve got about half my stack in this pot . . .”
I’m first to act, and I think I’ll check raise. He checks back . . . and flips over 7-fucking-4.
“What the hell are you doing playing 7-4?!” I say.
“I guess I’m taking a whole bunch of your money, guy.” Mr. Lawyer says, and he does.
“The first thing we do is kill all the lawyers,” I think, and I realize that I’ve been on tilt since I sat down. I’m pissed at myself for not playing that hand wisely. I did everything wrong, because I let this fucking lawyer get under my skin.
I should have moved all-in on the flop . . . right?
I’m not sure.
The only thing I am sure of right now is that I played that hand like shit.
I’m better than this.
I’m not a fish.
Where the fuck is Shane?
Wil, you have to play the people not the cards. If you felt that clown was trying to steal blinds… then you play right back at him and go all-in. And if he calls you… that’s what you want. AJ vs 7-4 anyday of the week. Better luck next time.
Great stuff Wil! We need to get you in the next Poker Bloggers Invitational online tournament. Of course, you might want to pass, because with your celebrity, there might be an additional bounty on you.
During the last Poker Bloggers Invitational, my pocket aces got cracked by 7-2 offsuit. Sad, but true.
There is always celebrity poker on Bravo.
I couldn’t believe it when Nicole Sullivan took the final pot.
Wil, all I can say is, you ought to head over to Rivered Again and submit that as a bad beat story. I bet they’d love it. Most of the stories they get are from online poker sessions…your real-life experience would put you up on them. (Incidentally, have you ever tried any of the online poker sites? I know, their software is Windows-based, but maybe you could dual-boot?)
I’m a tad offended that the men are all described by what they do, while the women are described by their appearance. Why couldn’t it be Ms. Editor or Ms. Accoutant, or what have you?
Will,
You’re a hell of a writer, but your knowledge of the bad-beat genre really leaves something to be desired.
Plus there are 5 cards dealt in holdem games.
The answer to your rhetorical question, by the way, is… it depends.
But then that’s the answer to almost all poker questions.
Wil,
It seems, to me, that you will always be a marked poker man because of your art jobs. You better always bring your A game because you are the TV/MOVIE/AUTHOR guy.
FABIAN
*cough* name dropper *cough*
Hey Wil,
Great story. Can’t wait to hear the end. 🙂
If you’re ever in the Bay Area, look me up. We have a nice home game (3-6, with a 2/3-kill), and you are most invited. 🙂
Bryan
Editor
The Mac Observer
THIS IS RACHAEL FROM NEW JERSEY.
THANKS FOR IGNORMING WIL WHEATON! HOW DOES IT
FEEL TO MAKE A FAN CRY? I’M 25 YEARS OLD AND
I HAVE TO BE IGNORED BY YOU? A 25 YEAR OLD WHO
CRIES BECAUSE SHE HAS TO PUT UP WITH THIS CRAP!
YOU KNOW I THOUGHT YOU WERE A GOOD ACTOR AND A
NICE PERSON.. A NICE PERSON? MY OPINION ABOUT
YOU HAS REALLY CHANGED.
OF COURSE, IM NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU TO BE
ABLE TO RESPOND TO ME! WHAT THE HELL I’M NOT
PRETTY ENOUGH FOR YA?
THANKS FOR HURTING A FAN!
RACHAEL
Dear readers of wilwheaton.net,
It’s Rachael here. I am sorry I made a few
errors on here. Wil Wheaton has ignored me
on every accounts.
I have tried and tried to get him to reply
to me. But no such luck!!!! How do you guys
get him to reply to you? How do you it I’m
lost! Certain women only get his response!
I guess like I said, I am not really not
that pretty enough!
I put thanks for ignoring Wil Wheaton, I was
fastly typing that last message. Due to the
fact that I was highly upset. I was a fan of
Wil Wheaton’s. Thats all in the past now!!!!
Hope you guys have fun at this site. For me
I’m no longer coming here. I tried the best
I could.
Again, I am sorry for the errors that I Have
typed! Hopefully, in the near future, I will
pick a good actor that actually won’t diss me
as bad as Mr. Wheaton did!
Sincerely Yours,
Rachael
hahahahahahaha!!
on many counts………
Aw rach honey, dont get mad Wil doesnt respond cause hes busy dont take it personally! He’s a great Man, Actor, Writer (as anyone can see) and devoted to his Family! Just chill honey!
on another note
HOLY FARKING CRAP!!! KEITH!! DUDE!!! where have you been all my life love you honey! Has anyone else not noticed greatness was here (aside from Wil) BTW love the Sean Story…. you just wanted the women on the board to get all fluttery! *hopes Keith and T.E and George and ofc Sean pops by sometime and makes themselves known*
Jeez!! Well, i’m so looking forward to the next part of the story sweetheart, the most poker i play is with family and i must say it is for money but its the atmosphere and sheer piss taking that i love about it! we play stud mostly (the way we play is not under those kind of rules LMAO!)
*is still Stunned Snuffy was in the building….*
Wil, Any chance we can hear some great stories from when you guys were filming TS??? i’d love to hear them….
hugs
Andrea x
P.S have you noticed i’m typing like i’m from the U.S when i’m British?? where the hell did jeez come from? and i swear if i type guy or dude one more time you can come shoot me Unca Willie!
I think it’s time for RACHAEL 25 FROM NEW JERSEY to up the meds.
Wil, amazing as per usual. Look forward to reading the rest…
Keith. Coogan. Oh my doG. You rawk! \m/ I agree with Andrea that some collaborative ‘Toy Soldiers’ stories (hopefully centering around the ‘let’s all stand in our underwear’ scenes) would be really awesome.
And Rachael, what made you think that typing in all caps on the comments board was in any way appropriate? Wil has a life. He has made it clear that his family comes first, now and always. So, my best advice is respect that rule, and calm down!
Hey Wil,
This is the first time I’ve been to your site, and it’s kind of funny that the topic happened to be about poker, something so near and dear to me. Anyway, I’m sure you know that you were very unlucky in that situation, Mr. lawyer onoly had about a 16.5% (about 5:1)chance of hitting his hand with 2 cards to come, unfortunatly for you, he got there. I do think however, that if you were reasonably sure he was stealing blinds, it might have been a better move to Push all-in pre-flop, I don’t think theres any way he could have called you then.
Also him check raising you a small amount on the flop like that, it was a pretty solid indication that he was on a draw(even though it was a shit draw), and that you probably aren’t going to be able to raise him out of it. Re-raising was still the right move because you were the odds on favorite by far.
Hopefully that little incident doesnt discourage you from playing anymore, and better luck next time.
Was Ashton Kutcher in the room,cuz you got PUNKED! heh =7)
When Chris Moneymaker won the World Series last summer there was this big deal about how he got in on a super-satellite $40 entrance fee online. Just after the contest, one of the reporters asked him, “Are you worried that the Attorney General of your state is going to pursue charges since you have admitted to gambling online in your home state?” [not really quoted — but that was basically the question] Mr. Moneymaker suddenly got a worried look on his face and studdered out something like “I deny any claims that I gambled in my home state and I refer all future questions to my lawyers”.
I question the wisdom of publically announcing participation in illegal activities on a public forum.
But then, this whole work is really just a crack at writing fiction, right (nudge nudge)
(I also questioned the wisdom of outing a poker speakeasy — but then I saw that you changed the details)
Like “Christie from Oregon” above, I don’t understand poker-speak. I understand more ER-babble and Trek techno-babble than most of the phrases in your story. But the pacing was great and even someone who doesn’t understand the jargon could get into ebb and flow of the story. Good work, and I can’t wait for the conclusion (it had better be just a 3 parter!)
I wonder. Are you mentioning your Sean Astin watch in this part because something is going to happen to it in the next part? Because, really, why would you drop that line in the story the way you did? Heh, you can delete this comment if it’s a spoiler.
PART 3! PART 3!! ;^)
Dude, this is so strange. I played in my first no-limit holdem tournament last Saturday. The buy-in was $40 bucks, so I was not to shell shocked, and the top 4 places paid. $th got their money back, and the top three paid out 20%, 30% and 50%. I was just shooting for 4th place, being my first game outside of a friends house.
Long story short, I took second, and could have easily took 1st, but I was playing a bit too tight. Next month though, as they play once a month.
I am going to write about it as well and post it to my web page if you are at all interested. Got to love the game though…
I can’t wait to see what unfolds Wil. Great storytelling.
One more thing.
Do you play online? I noticed you mentioned Ultimate Bet. I am working towards a sponsorship into the WSOP in Vegas. Heck, I have already booked my flight and hotel room. Ok, ok. It’s set for a vacation, but if I can win a few more tourny’s at UB, all is good.
Well, if you do play there, look me up sometime. I’d enjoy playing a hand or two with you. My user name there is Live2Dive.
That’s it. I’m out.
Hey — who’s sponsoring WSOP this year? Did Binion’s get outta hock and I missed the news? Got to get my cable back soon; I’m going through severe Texas Hold ‘Em withdrawl, and Wil’s story isn’t helping!
(My favorite morning sports show is having a contest to fly to Vegas to watch some special Hold ‘Em tourney 3/20…I’m sincerely thinking of trying to win, even if I have to go all by my lonesome!)
Can’t wait for Part III, Wil…
c’monnnn. finish. finaaaash! x_x
I’m totally digging this storyline.
Very interesting subject and some great writing! I’m anxiously awaiting part 3. Please don’t keep us in suspense much longer.
Cheers,
Lasz
Roberta – Harrah’s has officially purchased Binion’s. According to them, they are still going to have the WSOP downtown. However, they are quite iffy on when they are going to re-open the joint. At least that’s the way they are being with the former employees. So, technically, yes, there is going to be a WSOP. Although, I won’t believe it until they actually run the first tourney.
By the way Wil, great story! I’m really hoping there is a part three.
I’d wager the individuals in Guantanamo unable to see lawyers would disagree with Shakespeare there, Wil.
Wil have you read the Da Vinci Code by Dan Brown yet?
I would have slow played the guy too…
Also… I would have gotten beat.
No worries.
It happens.
But… I’ll play with that guy all day and all night if I get the chance…
If you did think he was stealing blinds, you should have raised him big pre-flop. You also should have made a huge bet on the turn–one that’ll make it very expensive for a gut-shot. Nothing’s a guarantee though with these dumb players out there.
I am on the edge of my seat!
What happens next?
Whatever DID happen, you can rest assured
you are becoming a better writer every time
I check in here.
And I don’t say that lightly.
Good solid writing Wil.
(Besides that, actors wouldn’t be _ _ _ _ without good writers now would they???)
Write On!
The aforementioned story must be considered a work of FICTION, merely the Artist Formerly Known as Uncle Willy’s account of an incident that may or may not have occurred in a state where gambling may or may not be illegal.
Now, where’s part 3? And where’s Shane?
SHAAAAAAAAAANNNNEE!!!!!
Glad to hear that the game was not rigged or anything, just that Mr. Lawyer got damn lucky.
Now, where the hell is part 3???
Hey Wil,
I haven’t read Part III yet, but I’d like to recommend the book Poker Tournament Strategies by Sylvester Suzuki (pen name). It gives a better overview of poker tournament strategies than Winning Low Limit Hold ‘Em by Jones, Winning Poker by Krieger, or any of the 2+2 books.
In the case of the 47o, yeah, you took a bad beat, but you also made a good play until the turn. On the turn a bet would have been correct, and then releasing your hand on a raise. The most important thing to do early in a tournament is survive. Sure, it’s great to build a big stack going into the latter rounds, but the value of your chips is malleable throughout the tournament, so it’s not required. Better to survive than bust out.
Wil U.
Funny, when I first started the RiveredAgain site I e-mailed Wil to see if he’d like to post a bad beat story or two.
OK Wil, you’ve forced my hand… I’ll sweeten the offer… how about a free Rivered Again t-shirt if you submit a bad beat story to my site?
Great site, and God bless…
Rock
Tell Shane to kiss your ass!
I prolly would have moved in with that hand also, but one thing that I have learned is that you have to watch out for idiots playing this game that just have the money to play and don’t care if they win or lose. Hang tough, and if you want more practice, you can always join my game. 😉
No. Really. If you are ever going to be in Ohio (Why in the world would you be in Ohio?), e-mail me, I’ll get a game together for you!
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