I’ve got a Saint Patrick’s Day story up at the old Cult of the One Eyed Cat
Here’s a taste:
I was well into my fifth Guinness when I saw the leprechaun. He sat at the edge of the bar, gazing sadly at something in his wee hand.
I looked around the pub. Nobody else seemed to notice him, so I casually stood up, held onto the bar for balance, and moved to the seat next to him.
“Excuse me,” I said, “but are you a leprechaun?
He quickly closed his wee hand into a wee fist, and looked up at me. In a wee voice he said, “Aye, laddie. Me name’s O’Malley.”
I looked around again. It was only ten in the morning, so the only other people in the bar were three professional drunks and the barkeep, who was watching Arsenal beat the crap out of Blackburn on the TV.
“Can anyone else see you?” I said.
He sighed a wee sigh. “There used to be a time when the whole world could see me. But now, I’m only visible to people who are drinking Guinness.”
BUT! Before you read mine, you simply must read Kathleen’s How to Survive a Pub Crawl with Real Irishmen:
St. Patrick’s Day is almost upon us. It’s a glorious holiday, filled with song, dance, green beer, and even greener vomit. Many of you have plans to celebrate this fantastic holiday by driving the snakes out of Ireland, or wearing a shamrock to signify your solidarity with the Irish people. Or, like most of us, you’re planning to get so drunk that you forget you have opposable thumbs.
But if you’re up for a real challenge, something that will require you to gather all the strength, courage, and liver fortitude you can muster, we’ve got you covered. We give you: the guide to surviving a pub crawl with real Irishmen.
Oh, and I just want to add one editorial comment for everyone out drinking today: putting green dye into Corona doesn’t make it IRISH, you fokkin’ bastards. Hoist a pint of Guinness, or get the hell out of my bar.
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Fantastic…lucky charm guy! I love it. Today, while at the St. Patty’s day parade with the kids, I contemplated the “good ol’ days”, until I remembered that your tongue can get stuck to the roof of your mouth and the hangover is just not worth it.
>> Oh, and I just want to add one editorial
>> comment for everyone out drinking today:
>> putting green dye into Corona doesn’t make it
>> IRISH, you fokkin’ bastards. Hoist a pint of
>> Guinness, or get the hell out of my bar.
I think he’s drunk. What are we goin’ to do?
I shocked! I can’t believe you know that Arsenal would kick Blackburns’ ass! I guess I’m not the only football (as in soccer) nut this side of the pond.
BTW, great story. Is that what happened to that Wesley guy on TNG?
funny, sad, dramatic.
I think one of those guys snuck into my house at night made the friendlies with my cat.
Happy St. Patrick’s Day, Wil! I’ll be drinking a pint o’ Guinness in your honor (I’ll also be drinking pints in 5 other people’s honor, too :))
“made the friendlies with my cat.”
Okay, that made me shoot Guinness out of my nose.
And I haven’t even had any Guinness today.
Yet.
Oh – there wuz a young named Wil Wheaton
A young lad was he a Beacon –
And every young damsel would be seek’n
Ol’ young Wheaton and he be freak’n.
And on a long voyage this young lass did go
A wheaton and a crusher and a Will Shatner his foe
And little did ol’ wheaton really know
That time would give him only so much dough.
So off did Wil Wheaton go a writ’n
And a writ’n and a writ’n did he writ’n
And after so much time did Sir Wheaton
To the surprise of all his wife and friend heathens –
Finally became a frikken Sir Milton.
I love St. Paddy’s Day! It warms my heart. And it is so true about the green dye… in ANY beer beverage! And from my experience in Northern Ireland last St. Paddy’s day, the real Irishmen… they laugh at you when you mention green beer, then buy you drinks the rest of the night to get you properly pissed. May the road rise to meet you, and drink Guinness to your heart’s content.
Actually, while in Dublin I sampled Caffrey’s ale, and I’ve never looked back. Came home to the States and discovered my favorite bar had it on tap. I was in heaven until fokkin’ Coors bought the American distribution and stopped distributing in my area. *shakes fist*
Anyway, if you’re ever in Dublin, try a pint of Caffrey’s. It’s glorious.
Being a descendant of an Irish family I celebrate St Patricks Day everyday. A drinking song that I hold close to my heart!! 🙂
Well Scotsman clad in kilt left a bar one evening fair
and one could tell by how he walked
that he’d drunk more than his share.
He fumbled ’round until he could no longer keep his feet
and he stumbled off into the grass to sleep beside the street.
Ring Ding Diddle Diddle Ai Dee Oh
Ring Dai Diddley Ai Oh
He stumbled off into the grass to sleep beside the street
About that time two young and lovely girls just happened by
one says to the other with a twinkle in her eye
see yon sleeping Scotsman, so strong and handsome build
I wonder if it’s true what they don’t wear beneath the kilt
Ring Ding Diddle Diddle Ai Dee Oh
Ring Da Diddle Ai Oh!
I wonder if it’s true what they don’t wear beneath the kilt
They crept up on that sleeping Scotsman, quiet as could be
lifted up his kilt about an inch so they could see
and there behold for them to view beneath his scotish skirt
was nothin’ more than God had graced him with upon his birth
Ring Ding Diddle Diddle Ai Dee Oh!
Ring Da Diddleley, Ai Oh!
Was nothin more than God had graced him with upon his birth.
They marveled for a moment, then one said we must be gone
Let’s leave a present for our friend, before we move along
as a gift they left a blue silk ribbon tied into a bow
around the bonnie star the Scot’s kilt did lift and show
Ring Diong Diddle Diddle Ai Dee Oh!
Ring Dai Diddle Ai Oh!
Around the bonnie star the Scot’s kilt did lift and show.
Now the Scotsman woke to nature’s call
and stumbled towards the trees
behind the bush he lifts his kilt and gawks at what he sees,
and in a startled voice he says to what’s before his eyes,
Oh, Lad I don’t know where you been, but I see you won first prize
Ring Ding Diddle Diddle Ai Dee Oh!
Ring Dai Diddley Ai Oh
Ah Lad I don’t know where you been, but I see you won first prize!
—The Irish Rovers
Happy St. Pats Day to one and all!!
A-Fuckin-Men, sorry to seem sacreligious. I hate people who drink the light domestic crap and claim to be Irish, or supporting the whole Irish concept.
Grow some real (well, ya know), and hoist a pint with the real men, AND WOMEN!! 🙂
hey wil,
yey for St. Patrick’s Day! luckily for me, being in the UK, the celebration start before you guys! yey! i’ve been out, and come back again! tee hee!!
take care
Rach
Ps, just on a side note, i finally got a copy of your book today, my friend brought it back from the USA today! i’ve read it already! i absolutely LOVE it!!! yey! congratulations!!
LOL Those were good. =) Happy St. Patty’s Day, Wil!
Mmmmmm… guinnesss on St. Paddy’s day… mmmm…
Hey Wil! That’s great news about the book sales. I know that feels really good.
I, myself, haven’t heard from MY publisher yet about how my latest book is selling. But, I’m too busy to worry… just signed up for a voice-acting class to get back in the traces…
Keep up the good work Wil! We’re pullin’ for ya out here on the other coast.
Will I get my ass kicked for pointing out that drinking Guinness doesn’t exactly make you Irish either?
😀
i’m half irish and half german and i used to really get into all the beer drinking holidays…now…after too much of a good thing, i enjoy reading stories like yours on st. patty’s day…instead of living them…are leprechauns for real?…don’t ask me now…but once upon a time i believed.
Joke Time!
Brenda O’Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door.
“Brenda, may I come in?” he asks. “I’ve somethin’ to tell ya.”
“Of course you can come in, you’re always welcome, Tim. But, where’s my husband?”
“That’s what I’m here to be telling ya, Brenda. There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery…”
“Oh, God no!” cries Brenda. “Please don’t tell me.”
“I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I’m sorry.”
Finally, she looked up at Tim. “How did it happen, Tim?”
“It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned.”
“Oh, my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim. Did he, at least, go quickly?”
“Well, Brenda… no. In fact, he got out three times to pee.”
Ha, ha, ha. 🙂
Okay, I didn’t have Guinness, but Samuel Adams Light (which is the best damn light beer I’ve ever had) — at least it wasn’t green though. I did make corned beef and cabbage for the in-laws (thank the Goddess for slow cookers!), and it came out quite well…
An Irish friend of mine once told me that it was the Irish that invented bagpipes and the kilt, but as a joke; the problem was that the Scottish picked up the habits and took them too damned seriously…
Think I’ll see if KFOG’s got any U2 playing tonight…
I’m not much for Guinness, but can I stay in the bar if I have a Jamison’s, neat?
‘Nuther tip for those who are only Irish for a day: the green beer is always the cheapest the bar can get ahold of. Trust me. they don’t dye the good stuff; they don’t need to.
*raising a pint of Guinness*
here’s to you Wil and all of the rest of you crazy faithful. i’ve only been paying attention to this site for a few months, but it is very cool and i’m glad to feel like i’ve found a new happy place.
Wil, I just got off work at the Claddagh Irish Pub in Newport, Kentucky, just south of Cincinnati, Ohio. I agree full and well with you on that last comment. People asked me why we didn’t put green dye in our Harp.
“It’s an Irish Pub, sir. We get this stuff from Dublin. You can’t get more Irish than that. We don’t need green dye.” This one woman said she put greed dye in her White Zinfandel. I groaned out loud.
Stupid gits.
By the by, give Murphy’s stout a try. It is far superior to Guiness, not that I would kick any fine stout out of bed; I ain’t no snob.
Me name’s O’Malley.”—– would have been better if it was O
I stumbled out of bed at the crack of dusk. At the end of the street, which is rt 40, there’s a little bar that most nights has 2 or 3old guys till they close up 11ish. Except one night a year, when they have 600 people over. http://www.brigidscross.com played, the girls were pretty, i redeveloped a taste for guinness.
My head hurts.
If you put green food coloring in domestic beer, you get green beer. If you put green food coloring in Guinness, you’ll never know its there until it comes spewing out of your nose at Waffle House. The moral of this story– Never drink anything you can read a newspaper through.
Alternate moral: Don’t post comments after 6 pints.
Ah, St. Patrick’s Day, one of the few days in the year when being publicly drunken and going about pinching people is considered “festive” instead of “a misdemeanor.”
I celebrated with Guinness and with Irish Creme–though I confess that that Guinness totally kicked my ass. I’d forgotten just how much a pansy I really am. Irish Creme to the rescue!
why does st. patricks day seem to be more fun everywhere but here in Ireland. The local parade is crap – unless you like gazing at tractors and small trucks – and the pubs are full of little people (and I mean children) so you have to be on your best behaviour. My best Paddy’s day ever was in London. You’re right about the green beer though, no self-respecting Irish(wo)man drinks green beer!
Had Guinness and a shot of Bushmills…
Drink enough of that and it will make ANYONE Irish (at least temporarily).
Happy St. Pat’s!
It’s feckin’ , not fokking. 🙂
Happy Paddy’s Day to ye. And have a Guinness for me.
Wil,
Come to Ireland some time. We’ll teach you how to swear properly.
Tyler, (above) Murphy’s is the black urine from Satan’s knob. Better than Guinness? Heathen.
Mmmmm. Guinness 🙂 I was hoping to hoist one at a new so-called Irish pub slated to open here at home yesterday, but they’ve apparently hit a few snags in getting their furniture delivered. Fortunately, the coffee house across the street has Guinness draught as well, so I wasn’t condemned to a dry St. Patrick’s Day. Anybody who would even think about dyeing Guinness green should be excommunicated!
Well have one on me, happy St. Pats from Ireland
John
My boyfriend works in a liquor store. A man came in and said he was going to buy some Irish beer in honor of the holiday.
What did he purchase?
Rolling Rock (IT’S GREEN!) and Bass. At least he was close-ish with the Bass.
Sigh.
No need for green dye. I learned years ago that, hey, beer (at least pilsners and lagers) are already yellow. Just add *blue* dye. If you recall blue+yellow=green. 🙂
Happy Purim, er, St. Patrick’s Day!
Ariel
Very Creative Story It seems to me that you,re not the only one that is a Guiness Fan.:) Happy Day After
Wil,
I don’t know why the bartender was bothering to watch the football game anyway. It’s not that it was a forgone conclusion-Arsenal without a chance-it’s just that the world was going to end! Now drink up, you’ve got six pints to get through!
Sláinte! There’s more to Irish beer than just Guinness. If I could still drink I’d hoist an Iron Duke Imperial Stout in your honour, makes Guinness look a little thin and wan. 🙂
Does anyone’s wife like Rush? Nah…
*gasp!!!*
Flogging Molly!!
whoa-ah.