Note: readers who are unfamiliar with hold-em rules can find them at ultimate bet dot com. Readers who are unfamiliar with poker terminology may want to read This glossary from CNN first. Or don’t. I’m not the boss of you.
Part one of this story is here.
Part two of this story is here.
I get up, take a piss, and grab a Coke. My cell phone rings while I’m at the bar. It’s my stepson, and he wants to know how I’m doing. I tell him about the 7-4, and he says, “Don’t tilt, Wil.”
“Too late,” I say.
“Oh. That sucks. Well, don’t worry about it. I’ll see you when you get home. I love you.”
“I love you, too.” I say. We hang up.
For some reason, the conversation settles me down, and I return with new focus. I decide that I am the only person at this table who can beat me, even if the cards aren’t helping me win.
I keep getting junk, so I throw away the next several hands. Mr. Lawyer busts out Mr. Magician and Mr. Webmaster. Mrs. Beautiful takes care of Mr. Agent’s Assistant, and there are just five of us left at the table: Mr. Lawyer, Mrs. Funnypants, me, Mrs. Beautiful, and Mr. I’m In The Music Industry.
Finally, my cards start to come. I stick to my plan, and double through Mrs. Funnypants, the well-known comedienne. On the next hand, Mr. I’m In The Music Industry goes all-in against me with pocket tens. I’ve got a good chip lead on him, so I loosen up and call him with K-9. There’s a king on the flop, it holds up, and I bust him out. It’s the first time I’ve ever busted anyone out, and I feel like Howard Fucking Lederer. I sneak a look at Mr. Lawyer as I rake in the pot. He’s busy shuffling his chips.
When the blinds are up to 50-100, I’m briefly the chip leader, and I tighten up again. Maybe it’s not the best strategy, but . . . I’m the chip leader for the first time in my life, in my first real tournament. Where the hell is Shane?
Mr. Lawyer comes over the top of Mrs. Beautiful, all-in pre-flop. Mrs. Beautiful calls him before he’s done pushing his chips in. It goes something like this:
Mr. Laywer: “I’m all i–”
Mrs. Beautiful: “Call.”
Mr. Lawyer blanches, and turns over 8-9 clubs. Mrs. Beautiful flashes him a smile, and turns over KK.
“You do not have two kings!” Mr. Lawyer says. I wonder if that’s his “I object!” voice.
“I’m pretty sure I do,” she says. Overruled.
Mr. Lawyer stands up, and a vein throbs in his forehead. I could kiss Mrs. Beautiful right now.
He pairs his 8 on the flop, but that’s it. Mrs. Beautiful sends Mr. Lawyer home.
He looks at me, and says, “I had to take my shot.”
“Tough break,” I say, “Guy.”
Now it’s his turn to shrug. “Next time. Next time.”
I feel like a fucking rockstar for outlasting him.
When there are seven of us left, we take a break before we move to one table. The other players go to the bar, the bathroom, or just meander around the mostly-empty club. I walk outside and call Shane. He picks up on the first ring.
“Hey, Wil. What’s up?”
“I’m at the Odessa. Where the hell are you?”
“Have you seen the news recently? I’ve been babysitting executives all week.” He says.
“At ten o’clock on a Wednesday?”
“Yes. It’s that bad. So how are you doing?”
“Better than I thought,” I say. “I made it to the final table. The regulars wish your money was here.”
He laughs.
“Maybe I’ll play next time.” I hear a voice in the background. He puts his hand over the mouthpiece, and says something back. “Look, I gotta go. Good luck.”
“Thanks. Bye.”
The door opens behind me, and one of the big Samoan guys raises his fist at me. I wince, until I realize that he’s holding up his thumb, directing me back into the club.
“They’re ready for you,” he says, and walks back inside. I catch the door inches before it closes. It’s incredibly heavy.
We sit down, and the cards come out. On the first hand, I bust out Mr. Circus Clown. A few hands later, I bust out Mr. Drunk Guy. Goddammit, this feels great! I work hard to keep my focus, and hope my hands don’t tremble as I separate my chips into hundred dollar stacks.
The blinds go up to 100-200, and that takes care of Mrs. Funnypants, who was down to the felt when we moved. I try not to get too excited, but I’m currently one off the money. That’s pretty damn cool, but there’s a sobering reality: if I go out next, I have as much to show for my efforts as Mr. Lawyer, and I really fucking hate that guy.
Shortly after the blinds go up to 300-600, Mr. Director busts out Mr. I Won An Emmy, and I find myself in the money! I can’t believe it!
I look at my stack: I have about 2200, I guess. Mrs. Beautiful is stacked . . . and is also the chip leader with over 4000. Mr. Director has about 1000 less than she does. He reaches into his jacket, and takes out a Camel cigarette.
“You can’t smoke in here, sir,” the dealer says.
“What?” Mr. Director says.
“It’s against the law.” The dealer says.
“We’re in an illegal cardroom, and you’re worried about me smoking?”
“Sorry.” The dealer says. “House rules.”
For a moment, I think Mr. Director is going to punch him, but he laughs.
“Fucking California,” he says. We all laugh as he puts the cigarette behind his ear.
The laughter fades quickly. We all know that there is a substantial money difference between 2nd and 3rd place, so play is pretty tight. A raise before the flop is usually enough to steal the blinds. I take some chances, and grab one or two with marginal hands: 10-10, and K-7. I almost wish I would see 10-2 — the Doyle Brunson — so I could play it. What the hell is wrong with me?
This goes on for a while, until I look at my pocket cards and find AJ on the button. Mrs. Beautiful calls, Mr. Director checks, and I call. The flop comes J-4-7. The bet is checked to me, and I move all-in. Mrs. Beautiful looks at her cards, then to me. I take a deep breath, and look down at the board. I’m pretty sure I want at least one call, but it’s still nerve-wracking. If I blow this, I go home with nothing.
She calls. It’s about half her stack. Well, I got my wish . . . I think.
Mr. Director calls; it hardly makes a dent. Oh shit. Two callers? They’ve both got jacks. Please not a pair. Please not a pair.
Mrs beautiful turns over KJ diamonds. My hand involuntarily flies up to my chin, and pulls at the corners of my mouth.
Mr. Director turns over J9. I breathe for the first time in over a minute, stand up, and show my Ajax.
Here we go: the dealer turns a 6, and then a 3.
I won? I won! Wait . . . did I? Yes! Holy shit! I won!
I can’t help it. I shout, “YES!” as I double (triple?) through, and drop Mrs. Beautiful to third. I hope I can hold on.
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Fictional or not, I’m really loving this story. Sounds like a good first chapter to a book to me.
Bring on part four!
Illegal poker game being broadcasted over the internet? hmmm…you sure some big guys named Tony aren’t going to come knocking on your door? 😉
In any case, I love the story!
It went from five to seven because the five referred to his table, the seven refers to the number fo players in the game. Three from Wil’s table, four from the other.
Re: When there are seven of us left, we take a break before we move to one table.
Ruger
Ah,thank’s for the clarification Ruger.
Hey Wil.That phone conversation with shane would have been a good opportunity for a Phone Blog.
Next time give the OL Phone Blog a jingle while your at the game or on the run from the game with the police chasing you ;0)
Damn! Sounds like an intense game! I’ve never played for money, and have always loved the idea of playing in one of those places that you describe here! I’m on the edge of my fucking seat and you string me along for ANOTHER installment?!
wanker. 🙂 Good luck!
My goodness, you rock. \m/
So, how does it end?!
Is Vader really Luke’s father or what?!!?
The wait is going to kill me!
Arrrrrrrrgh!
Wil, you’re a not-so-secret sadist. What a marvelous story; now finish it already!
I haven’t taken my poker skills beyond home and online games yet, so I’m living vicariously through these posts. Now I’m vicariously frozen between one heartbeat and the next!
Arrrrrrrgh!
Wow.
Let me just say I’m a lazy fsck who refuses to click on the links at the top, I don’t understand a single thing about the gameplay, but Wil…. THIS IS INTENSE!
If you do end up publishing this story in the end (YOU SHOULD!) I’d recommend just going without any terminology. It’s entertaining as someone whose entire poker experience comes from watching Riker.
I have a regular meet in vegas. first friday each month. Started Nov 03. Been to them all, and love it so much. It is so freakin cool! very manly! very adult like. Very underground. We play at different locations each time, someones house. Not as cool as an alley, but we have the felt, the blinds, the card sorter, the throwaway thingy, etc. There is a core group of 7 of us and we have a few ‘suckas’ each week. heh. Winner takes pot, chips cash out for cash at end of night for whoever is left standing. We have a 1am cut off, if at least 3 people are still in, otherwise go to the bitter end. Buy-ins allowed when the blinds raise, all goes to the big pot. uhm, that’s all I can think of for now. What Wil is describing is so much fun, and so tense at the same time. If you get a chance to go to one of these, do it, it is so cool.
I refered to Wil in the first person (there, I did it again!). I can do that because I have a signed Dancing Barefoot. hah!
JON
Yeah, Wil, you tripled through them, but that doesn’t explain why you turned over your cards when both of your opponents still had chips. Or why “Mrs. Beautiful calls, Mr. Director checks, and [you] call” (presumably in that order) when you were under the gun pre-flop. But I’m sure we can just attribute those mistakes to memories clouded by adrenaline, right? 🙂
D’OH!
You’re right, Joe. In the haze of my memory, and all the excitement, I recalled that incorrectly. We didn’t showdown until the end. Because I was all-in, I honestly don’t recall if there was a side-pot, or not. All I was thinking about was “Please hold up. Please hold up. Please hold up!”
Great story,man, truly awe inspiring
Loved the “No Smoking” bit.
AAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!
Yea, Wil!!!
WOW!!! More, more!!!
Lis from Aus 🙂
To Rach in New Jersey:
Glad to see you’re back with us. Wil is a tremendous guy. He can’t respond to everybody who makes a comment; he has never responded to me,
but that’s o.k.
to Wil:
Hope you share a little of your winnings with
Stinky at Starbucks–third request.
Freeman.
Damn you Wheaton! How many installments are there going to be?? How long are you going to string us along, you BASTARD??
*taps foot impatiently waiting for part 4*
Oh yeah, congrats on the win. I think I would have jumped up and shouted “YES!” myself.
I love it.
But I think you should stretch out that last hand a little bit more, it is over too fast. Tell us what you were thinking before you went all in. What were the straight or flush possibilities? How did you read the other players? Give us more internal dialog, cause that is what you are best at. Then when you know you have the best hand, what are you thinking? Are you worried about one of them getting a second pair on pure luck? Are you counting straight possibilities? Are you pacing back and forth or just sitting motionless staring at the dealer? More. I want some more.
card shark wil — nothing more to say
First, in the movie in my mind, there was a perceptible pause in the middle of this line:
“Tough break,” I say, “Guy.”
Beautiful, just beautiful.
Second, it’s tough getting called twice on your all-in. Winning a multi-way pot is always more difficult. However, you were in pretty good shape…
Post flop you were about a 70-75% favorite (although I don’t know the exact suits, so I’m guessing a bit). After the turn, you were a whopping 86% favorite. Well played.
Awesome game and awesome story, I’m on the edge of my chair and can’t wait to finish it. Tell me if(when?), did you do a little happy dance?
This is better than a suspense novel!! Don’t stop now! You gotta’ tell us the rest!
Wil
If you don’t know it already, you have turned into a great writer. Congratulations. I hope to follow you to that moniker.
Can’t wait for part 4.
S
yaaarghhh..i’ve been waiting all weekend for the next part…please please post tomorrow so my brain doesn’t melt!!!
I don’t know shit about poker and I didn’t read any of those guides, but I’m loving this story. Even though almost all of the poker lingo flies right by me, the tension is palatable (or some other hackneyed cliche). I almost clapped when you outlasted Mr. Lawyer. Can’t wait for the next part Wil.
This story is great, Wil. I’m loving it, and as are the others, anxiously awaiting the next part.
On a related note, I watched a marathon of the 2003 World Poker Championships(or called something like that) on TV with my parents back in January I think, and it was pretty cool watching poker with my mom and dad, and having my mom enjoy it as much as I normally do when I watch it alone.
Just a cool family moment from me to go with your cool story. 🙂
Wow, I’m on the edge of my seat waiting to see what happens. I’m hoping for the “Wil Wins!” story rather than the “Wil goes all in with pocket aces… and loses” story.
This storyline is just getting better and better. Totally awesome man. The suspense is killing me.
Great stuff.
Cheers,
Lasz
I love a good poker story. Every hand is full of suspense.
I had some poker success last weekend. I entered an online freerole tournament. Out of 649 people, I end up #1 winning $15. Free money is the best kind.
I take $3 and buy myself into another tournament with ~45 entrants. I end up taking first again for another $58.
Winning the freerole qualified me for another tournament (~500 entrants). The top 27 paid. I am short stacked and close to the money. In the big blind, I watch everybody fold except for a tall stack just to the right of the button. The button and both blinds are small stacks, so I figure he’s stealing the blinds. I call (all in) with king high. He’s got aces. I finish 28th, one from the money. Worst call ever.
“I forgot the cardinal f@!#$@@# rule…always leave yourself outs.” – Rounders
Wil,
What a story. I am glad that I don’t play. What a game. What a game.
FABIAN
Well Wil, whether this actually happened or not, you really are a writer, and I don’t just mean some dorky kid who got a degree from some Ivy League school… you really got a talent. You have no idea how envious I am of you. Keep up the good work and best of luck.
I am thoroughly enjoying this tale.
Okay, Wil, I’m convinced: Who do we have to kill to get you on Celebrity Poker whenever Bravo decides to run another tournament? I’d love to see you playing it out…and I’d love to see you wipe the floor with everyone, too! Plus, they’d love the story about you playing with your son, and getting a bad beat from him. (Would you be playing for EFF again, as you did on The Weakest Link?)
Incidentally, in watching the various TNG episodes featuring Riker’s poker games with various other ensemble cast members, I’ve noticed they always seem to be playing fairly conventional draw or stud games. Haven’t they heard of No-Limit Texas Hold’em in the 24th century? 🙂
Anxiously awaiting Part 4…will Wil emerge victorious, or will Mrs. Beautiful sink her claws into his stack? Tune in next time, same Wil-time, same Wil-channel!
great job wil! btw, i’m from the philippines and we love your work down here!
‘I get up, take a piss…’, how Pulp Fictiony. ‘I gotta take a piss…That’s a little too much information but go right ahead’.
This Mr Lawyer guy, does he have hair or is he bald? Dodgy balding lawyers are even worse than dodgy slicked-back lawyers by a long shot.
Go Will. I also know pretty much jack about poker, but this is an awsome story no matter the outcome.
I swear, Wil… you’ve got a gift and a half here. I read Part One of this story will passing interest (cause I know jack about poker), and followed on to Part Two to see how things went on. Now, having read through Part Three, hanging on every word and smiling at the small details like the heavy door, I’m dangling on the edge of my seat hoping that maybe if I Refresh my browser enough the next part might just fall out of the top of the page or something. I can’t believe reading about a game I can’t play could possibly be so engaging… Way to go, Wil – keep them coming… preferably faster!
What I find amusing is that the last flop came out J-7-4. If Mr. Lawyer is playing the same 7-fucking-4 that he got you on that bad beat earlier, he takes the pot from all of you with the two under pair.
Maybe 7-4 should be Mr. Lawyer like 10-2 is Doyle Brunson…
THIS is why I come here to read. Good writing, even if it’s about something I know absolutly NOTHING about, is a joy to read. Wil, Even if you write about waht a sucky day or week youare having, or what a cool thing a stepson said to you, or what you think is a lame-ass thing to mention in your blog it is the great writing that brings me back time after time. Just as I feel down and sad for you when your life sucks, just like I feel amazement that you could ever want more than you have with Anne, and just like I feel for you when some Startrek con twit screws you into the dirt about some show I felt SO much excitment when I finished this entry. It was almost like I had won some money AND got an “in your face” on a lawyer.
Way to go Wil!!
I am impressed.
Mind you, I replaced half your terminology to that of Crazy 8s, but even then, it sounded good.
Kick some a$$, Wil.
This is really excellent, Wil.
I really need you to get to part four with a quickness, but I also know I’ll be sad when it’s over…
Wil
Frankly, I don’t know squat about the jargon in this tale, and yet it’s totally captivating. YOUR WRITING IS REALLY IMPROVING. Not to say your first book wasn’t good–you’ve got a narrative style that everyone finds refreshing–but I’m guessing the forced practice getting Just a Geek done has really put you into a new level of excellence.
Great style, man. Great friggen style!
Message to Freeman:
Hi! How are you? Thanks for replying to me and
saying that about Wheaton’ I know hot it feels
to have him ignore you. Don’t feel left out! A
little niceness goes a long way.
I just thought I’d tell you all that I’m not a
psycho path, I don’t need to up my meds! Yes I
know what meds stands for. Meds = Medication!!
What exactly is in my medicine cabinet? Do you
want to call up all the insituations around my
area and ask thim if I am hospitilized? Do you
think you can ask thim this : Hi! I am calling
to see if you have a patient there name so and
so! She goes on wilwheaton.net!!! She posts on
his comment thing and she LOVES to type in all
caps, she is pretty nutty!! Of course you know
who I am replying to – Do you think that was a
nice message to leave for me? I don’t know you
and you don’t know me!! Why be mean to someone
just for attention?
For those who respond here and The Wheatons, I
think you all know that Wil Wheaton did ignore
people on here and make them feel really bad!!
Wil Wheaton: I am not putting you down!!!! But
I just think people see you post to others and
do get jealous!!!! We all know that you have a
very popular site!! Congrats about having such
a wonderful website!! Remember you know you do
have fans and are loved very much!! Just don’t
be so down about yourself!! We all are so very
excited to know this is your personal blog! We
do love you Wil Wheaton, Don’t we fans?
Thanks for those who have left me messages and
thanks for being so sweet!! You gave me really
good advice! I felt like I won a grammy.
Well, I have to go for now!!! I am going to be
leaving more comments in the past! I wanted to
let you all know that this didn’t have nothing
to do with this entry but it did in a way.
I’m going to work on my Wil Wheaton site! It’s
a fan site for him. Here is my site address!!!
http://wwheatonfan.topcities.com. It is not up
yet and still underconstruction. Keep going to
it. 🙂
P.S. Alot of girls/women who have
the name Rachael or Rachel.
Sincerely Yours,
Rachael
*Curious*?
This was an illegal game,yes?
What if it was busted by the PO-PO (cop’s)?
What would the ramifications be on you and your family if you were caught?
How would that effect the Step-Dad situation with the kid’s Father?
Again,just curious.
I’m Mr. Lawyer – “guy” and I’m not too happy with your depiction of me.
Ha! Just kidding. I found you via the poker blogger “scene” – great stuff.
What a windy tale! Hopefully the book does not contain this schlock unless the book is for poker players. “Consider your audience” is one of the most basic rules of communication.
Please sir, can I have another!
You’re KILING me here!
And in a tribute to Wil’s writing skills, tomorrow it will be revealed they were, in fact, just playing “Go Fish” for M & M’s.
🙂
This is SO addicting!