smoke em if you got em

Darin and I stood in Old Town, on the corner of DeLacy and Green. It was a magnificent night: eighty degrees, clear skies, the slightest breeze stirring the young leaves on the trees behind us.
The whole area was packed with people who were taking advantage of the unseasonably warm March evening: families and young couples crowded the sidewalks, as a nearly-full moon slowly climbed the Eastern sky.
“Hey, what are you doing tomorrow?” I said.
“Getting the tires changed on my Jeep.”
“Want to get together and have a cigar? I haven’t had a smoke in months, and I’d like to celebrate the release of my book.”
“Sure. How’s the afternoon sound?”
“Perfect! I’ll write in the morning, and then we can goof off later in the day.”
We jumped out of the way as several little kids flew around us, their bemused parents half a block behind them.
“Do you have any cigars?” He said.
“No, the last few in my humidor are all crispy and old.”
“Well, why don’t we go into that shop across the street, get a couple, and smoke them by my pool?” He said.
“I think that’s the best idea I’ve ever heard.”
We crossed the street, and walked into the shop. Four guys sat on overstuffed leather chairs and watched the basketball game on a flat screen TV. A cloud of delicious blue smoke hung heavily in the room.
I breathed deeply as we passed through it and entered the walk-in humidor: 70 degrees and 70 percent humidity never felt so wonderful.
“You like the Avos?” Darin said.
I shook my head. “No, I think they’re grossly overpriced.”
“Griffins?”
“Never had one.”
The door opened, and the young clerk, straight from the pages of Details magazine, walked in.
“Can I help you gentlemen?” He said. He wasn’t quite condescending, but he was heading that way.
I looked at the Davidoffs and Arturo Fuentes. I lingered over a bunch of Romeo y Julietas. Number One, Number Three, Number Four . . . but no Number Two.
“Do you have any Number Twos?” I asked.
He looked down at the boxes and said, “No, I don’t think we do.”
He clicked his tongue several times and challenged me. “Why do you want the number two? Why not the number three?”
Oh, there’s the condescending.
“When I bought my first box of cigars, it was R&J number two,” I said, “so that’s what I like to smoke.”
He looked at me.
“What about the Avos?”
Darin laughed.
“I’m not a big fan of them,” I said. I started to feel like I was dealing with a car salesman.
“Well, what about this one here?” He picked up a Churchill-sized cigar in a natural wrapper. Of course it was the most expensive cigar in the store.
“This one is very popular with the ladies,” he began.
“Wait.” I said.
Well, I think I said it. Maybe it was the Guinness I had with dinner.
“Are you trying to sell me a girlie cigar?”
He looked puzzled, and said, “Oh no, I mean that this is a nice, light cigar, and –”
“And it’s perfect for little bitches like me, right?”
“Well, sir, what I mean is –”
“Is that I’m a sissy little bitch who likes wussy cigars with his lemondrop martinis and Sex In The City DVDs?”
Darin laughed again, and I joined him. “I’m just fuckin’ with you, man,” I said, “I’ll just have an 8-5-8.”
The clerk looked like he’d just found out the gun wasn’t loaded after all.
“I think it’s a cosmopolitan that goes with Sex In The City,” he said.
“Oh? Well, I hear there’s a cigar in here that’s perfect for you.”
He laughed. “I’ll ring you guys up when you’re ready.”

75 thoughts on “smoke em if you got em”

  1. I love the smell of the cigars, but don’t smoke them. I guess that the girly cigar would go perfect with my chocolate martini 😉

  2. Sweet. FP!
    Now that’s a story for the books. The geek, after taking flak all his life, dishes it back in a little dose, and then backs off and lets everything be cool. And GQ was a good sport about it, which makes it even cooler.
    Score one for the nerds in us all.

  4. Wow, your site is no longer just entertaining but educational! Now I can look like I know what I’m talking about when I go to buy a cigar to go sit in at the next poker game. Love it.

  6. That’s funny. I never actually have the balls to do things like that. I always sit around later on going “Damn, I wish I had said _______.”
    I wanna be just like Wil Wheaton one day.

  7. You should definitely try the La Flor Dominica double-ligero line. The chisel-tip has to have a bullet cut (making it a perfect smoke for engineers and smart-asses) but it’s a VERY flavorful smoke at a reasonable cost. Being in California, you should make the most of your opportunities. Me? I’m in Virginia. Tobacco’s the state vegetable, or something…

  9. Scene: local fast food drive through, ordering food
    me: I’d like a number three with a sprite
    drive through operator: sprite the drink?
    (my girlfriend leans across me to talk into the speaker box)
    girlfriend: No, the woodland fairy.
    …and, scene.
    I love when the real world is better than sitcoms.

  10. Alexa, my dad’s uncle (my name sake, even though I know you don’t care) was the same way; he didn’t like to smoke but liked the smell. What he would do is throw a cigar in the fire to get the smell without having to smoke it. I always thought it was fairly entertaining.

  11. I have to say an 8-5-8 is a damned fine choice of a smoke. This reminds me that I should take the time out to smoke a cigar soon, especially now that I’m now living in a state that allows smoking in bars.

  14. Wil, I love you to pancakes, and I love your blog to syrup, but that was the funniest thing I’ve read in a long, long time. That was funny with a capital T.

  15. You realize, of course, that among cigar store clerks around the world you will now have a reputation as a loose canon.
    Rock on, you rebel you.

  17. That was freakin’ brilliant. Also, next time I want to buy a cigar I’m going to re-read this post. I wouldn’t want to smoke a girly cigar. Even though I’m a girl.

  18. Hey, why hasn’t anyone mentioned this?
    “Want to get together and have a cigar? I haven’t had a smoke in months, and I’d like to celebrate the release of my book.”
    Congratulations on the release of the book (finally, it missed the Christmas season, darn it)! You ARE bringing lots to the Pasadena convention aren’t you? I won’t be able to get it delivered in time (leaving on a jet plane…) and I need some for birthday presents.
    Oh, and the story around that news was great, too. 😎

  19. Hey, man. The threes will do in a pinch if there’s nothing else good around. I’m a big fan of Drew Estate Naturals, althought sometimes you get a poorly wrapped one so you have to be careful.

  20. cute story… but in a buff, brutish sort of
    way.. not that you are “cute” Wil, but “cute”
    in that endearing bullyish, Robert Conrad sort
    of way… (pleae notice that no reference was made to as how “funny” you are…
    HEY WIL!
    I saw you part on TEEN TITANS! Saturday night…
    what’s the going rate for a gig like that?
    seemed like a small part with what? 14 words?
    12 seconds..?
    simply put…LOVED IT!

  21. Yet another terrific story, Wil. As terrific as a good cigar, even!
    XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
    “Cuban For A Day”
    On my last day of college, after my final final exam, I walked across campus with my professor and smoked a cigar to celebrate my Freedom From Academic Bondage. If memory serves me (but it might not), that was the professor who bore a resemblance to Fidel Castro.

  23. High school biology was a long time ago, but I’m almost certain cigars are not gendered 🙂
    I smoke one vanilla cigar each year during Bethlehem’s Musikfest celebration in August – my doctor said if I smoke any more than that he’ll kill me himself.
    Regards,
    Bill in Bethlehem
    “Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar…”
    Sigmund Freud

  24. Funny story, Wil. But you have been added to my list of guys, most of them good friends, who completely puzzle me with their penchant for cigars. They’re smelly, they’re smoky, and just because they’re bigger than cigarettes doesn’t mean they’re sexier.
    And congrats on the book release.

  26. Typically, I’m the one that’s getting fucked, as opposed to the guy that’s doing the fucking (in this context anyway), so normally I root for the guy getting the ribbing.
    But, once I say that you apologized to the guy, and he was cool with it, damn it was funny.

  27. When I lived on an island off the coast of Alaska, there was a local sporting goods shop with a sign reading, “Smoke ’em if you got ’em!” Everyone knew they meant salmon (the store sold smokehouse gear) – but I laughed everytime I drove by.

  28. Wil,
    It saddens me that you would compromise the health of your beautiful pink lungs just so you could look “cool” or “hip” like Schwarznegger, Chuck Norris, or Joey Pants. Well, I guess it beats smoking cornsilk in a boxcar. Personally, I prefer the Lewinsky Churchills. Them bad boys is tasty!

  29. Another fantastic post, Wil! And congratulations on the book release!
    If you like Romeo y Julieta, give one of their Reserve Maduro (Churchill size, of course) a try – it’s an awesome cigar!

  30. Drinking Guinness in the middle of the day, giving cashiers minor heart palpitations, smoking a cigar by the poolside…
    Man, I want to be a professional writer/actor/net personality.

  31. You should’ve clocked the guy a good one for trying to be smart.
    You seem to know your shit, Wil, and nothing amuses me more than some hot shot who claims to know more about something than you do. You were right to stress the guy out like you did (you probably looked totally pissed off,too). Had it been me I would’ve taken a few Avos, a couple of Davidoff’s and a nice Prince Albert and shoved ’em down his fuckin’ throat. That would teach the guy about bein’ smart.

  33. Bloody Brilliant Wil! I laughed and smiled and everyone around me is now staring at me like I have 3 heads. Keep it up!

  35. …what the hell kind of audition were you on??
    But really, awesome story, dahling. You never cease to entertain.

  37. Cohibas sound nice for an 80-degree day. The Dominicans are excellent, but if you manage to get your hands on some Cubanos, then you’re set.
    By the way, this was a fucking funny post.

  38. LOL sick’em
    Hey Wil, if you’re ever in Calgary, go to Cavindish and Moore (shameless plug) they have the best selection in North America (we get Cubans).
    Coming to Canada on a book tour?

  40. Zoom.. over the head..
    A “Churchill-sized cigar in a natural wrapper” and “This one is very popular with the ladies”.
    This suggests the sardonic salesman was projecting a misogynistic “Man Show” illustration of a Clinton-esque application. Typical character of cigar and stereo equipment salesman.
    Still purile..

  42. Mr. Lee: This suggests the sardonic salesman was projecting a misogynistic “Man Show” illustration of a Clinton-esque application.
    Woah. You’re right!
    I didn’t even think of that. Now I’m doubly offended.

  43. Cute ending (and by “cute”, I don’t mean “cute, sissy bitch” ending), but I thought you tried too hard to set the scene, and ultimately, didn’t really set the scene at all. I know what was going on around you, but I don’t know how the hell you got there, who the hell this other dude was, etc. “Random” works…at least on occasion…but not here.
    -Pat

  44. If you like the 8-5-8s (assuming you’re talking about Fuentes), you should try their Cuban Corona. One of the best smokes for the money in my book. I’m also partial to the following…in no specific order:
    Torano Exodus 1959 Torps
    Ashton VSG

  45. “Alcohol is to Synthehol as Cigars is [sic] to Nicotine Vaccination.”
    To the “beautiful pink lungs” person: cigar smokers don’t inhale. They still run the risk of mouth and throat cancer, but it’s at least easier to detect and cut out. Occasional cigar smokers probably run about the same risk as nonsmoking barflies, and if I gotta stay out of bars to avoid that, you may as well cut my head off and stick it in a jar.
    Remember, folks: both Brook Shields and Quark think that smoking is stupid.

  47. Damn dude you made him sweat!!! By the way I caught Aqualad this weekend, very cool. You get to be the hot cartoon. Very Nice!!

  48. Wil,
    Weren’t you allergic to smoke at some point? I remember an article in Starlog many years ago saying that you couldn’t be in any smoke-filled room or you’d die. I assume that isn’t a problem anymore? 🙂

  49. Wil,
    For the sake of your health, I would urge you to quit cigar smoking. I know you probably do it very rarely, though, so that’s good, but I’ve had too many family members have serious health problems caused by tobacco to condone it.
    Getting off my soapbox now…it was a well-written post, I would love to make a snooty clerk in any store sweat like that. I doubt I’d ever think of the right insult until AFTER I left the store.

  50. “girlie cigar” – HA! That’s hilarious.
    “Oh, there’s the condescending.” – Love it!
    I stopped by for a little break from my blinding computer work and this little story was just what I needed.
    Thanks for the laugh, Wil.
    -Carol P

Comments are closed.

Related Posts

Recent Posts