when i’m on a market words move faster

As much as I wanted to turn this page into “The WWdN Dance” for April Fools, complete with annoying song and stupid animated gifs, I just didn’t have time. Fark, Homestarrunner, and Think Geek all had great things up, though.
Instead of making hilarious pranks, I was working like crazy to finish up the current draft of Just A Geek so I can get it turned in on time. I’m 99% done, but I have to leave now to go be Aqualad (\m/), so I won’t finish it until tonight. I could have been done this morning, if I hadn’t taken some time off from Just A Geek yesterday, so I could write the foreword to the Knights Of The Dinner Table Tales From The Vault Volume One.
Er, but it turns out that, due to a ripple in the very fabric of space-time itself, the Vault issue was already shipped to the printer . . . so a with a little reworking here and there, and I transformed my foreword into an article!
I’ve been given permission to share a sneak peak with you, dear monkeys. Enjoy it . . . if you dare!

I checked the clock when I heard my wife pull into the driveway: 2:OOPM.
What the hell? She’s not supposed to be back for another two hours! Crap!
A minute later, she called from the front door, “Wil? Are you home?”
“Uh, yeah,” I called back, as I scrambled to straighten up my desk. “I’m working in my office.”
I heard her footsteps on the stairs, and I knew that I was boned. There were about forty polyhedral dice on my desk, scattered around piles of graph paper, rule books, and partially-painted lead miniatures when she walked into the room.
“Honey, I know this looks bad . . . but it’s not what it seems.”
“Not what it seems?” She picked up a handful of dice, “What’s this?!”
“That’s . . . ” I looked in her fist. “That’s 3d6, 1d12, and 2d20.”
She made this strange growling noise, and rolled — okay, threw — the dice onto the table. The d6’s landed close to my hand, and showed the Number of the Beast.
“Hey! You rolled a critical success!”
She was not amused. “When I left this morning, all I asked you to do was wash the dishes, and they’re exactly where I left them! I only asked you to do one thing and . . .” She gestured wildly around my office, which, despite its name, is really not a place where much work gets done. Where most offices would have a bookshelf with reference material, I have a bookshelf covered with Simpsons figures, Star Wars toys, and an Enterprise D that lights up.
“. . . and you’re in here playing GAMES?!” She was going to blow. I saw a week, maybe two, of uncomfortable nights on the couch. I spoke quickly, before she could explode.
“I’m not playing games, I swear! I’m working on and article for a book.”
“Is it called 10 Quick Steps to Blowing Off All Your Responsibilities So You Can Spend the Day Goofing Off With HackMaster?”
“No, it’s called Knights of the Dinner Table.” I said.
“What is that, some sort of cookbook for nerds?”
“No! It’s a comic strip about guys who play Role Playing Games.” I said.
“Yeah, nerds.”

The exciting, turgid conclusion, is coming soon to a Knights of the Dinner Table near you!

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64 thoughts on “when i’m on a market words move faster”

  3. That’s ok Wil, I have totally been caught not sweeping, doing dishes, laundry etc… by an early arriving woman. This is just a lesson to all us lazy geeks to do what our women tell us to do FIRST, then play with our dice. hehe

  4. ((This is just a lesson to all us lazy geeks to do what our women tell us to do FIRST, then play with our dice. hehe))
    Exactly! You’d think it would be easier for you smart guys to understand! 😉

  5. Even though it says it’s from the ‘creative writing’ dept, it sounds pretty accurate to what Anne would say given the situation…but that’s no reason to get so violent with the dice.

  8. You think that’s bad, imagine what the house looks like when two gay geek guys live together and always have something better and more interesting to do than the dishes. 🙂

  9. Boy Wil, that sure sounded like a challenge. I guess Anne 20X6-ded you good. But why were you digging pudding if you were supposed to be doing dishes?

  10. may i venture to say that women feel that when their spouse neglects to do the dishes he is really saying that he doesn’t care about her enough to do the dishes…. I am NOT saying that it is the truth. It’s just a feeling I would get as a woman.

  12. been there..done that..and gotten caught doing that.
    Have you ever though of doing game reviews?
    You seem to have a nack for writting. Making a living at something you love doing is the american dream.

  13. You mean you could not take time to do the dishes. She only asked you to do one thing. You should be bent over her knee and spanked severly, and not enjoy it.
    But if you were working on “Just a Geek”, then it would be totally understandable on your part.
    And Anne, dont be so rough with Wils dice, you should be gentle and soothing with wils dice.

  14. “I’ve been given permission to share a sneak peak with you, dear monkeys. Enjoy it . . . if you dare!”
    Monkeys?!?!?
    I resent that. I’m no monkey, I’m an ape. I thought the difference was clearly explained in one of the Planet of the Apes movies.
    Heh, that was a funny tidbit with the boss, I mean wife, busting you en flagrante with the dice.
    Sounds like you need an early-warning system in place next time you blow off your assigned chores. Aren’t your dogs properly trained to bark when the lady of the house arrives? Also, dogs can do dishes, at least getting them somewhat clean looking, to a point. Or maybe you need a clone. Or a droid. Or Jedi powers so you can wave your hand and go, “These are not the dishes you asked me to wash…”
    I told young Wil not to post anything until he’s done with his JAG manuscript deadline and it appears he’s missed it and he thinks it’ll be OK to turn it in Saturday. Apparently I have no influence on the young man and he’s taken to rebelliousness and he’s now off to play cartoon voice guy instead of working on JAG. (He never listens to my nonsensical ramblings… wait, nobody does except my insane cats and only when I’m holding a bag of cat chow.)
    Somebody please spank him. I’m too lazy. Anne?
    Still no cure for Simpsons strike… or cancer…
    Farking heck! Speaking of fark, it was pretty funny yesterday, first all bogus b**bies links, then later it was all beer links and I probably missed a couple of other versions of pranky goodness. Maybe next year Wil will be so farking rich he can outsource his webblog and have an April Fools gag for WWdN. Yuck, what a terrible thought. Must wash my hands or amputate them or both for typing that.
    Thanks for entertaining us, Wil. You have more funnyness in one pinky than I have… elsewhere.
    I hope you have a great weekend ahead.
    Bill

  16. If my husband got home and I hadn’t done the chores he had asked the only GOOD excuse I could use would be that I was working on a new campaign. Yes, I live in 2-geek household. Now that we have rather intense ‘normal’ lives any attempts at putting together or running a game are applauded. Thank goodness for Neverwinter Nights because it’s ALMOST like playing the real thing but without all the effort. Especially at a lan party. (Yes, we are a geek couple safely ensconced in a synod of geeks….)

  17. Good Lord, I can’t even count how many times I have had that conversation with my wife…
    Way to capture a somewhat less than happy moment with the spouse!
    jt

  18. So wives do that as well as mums!!
    WOW!!
    I tell you…Anne is wonderful!
    And Wil you make me roar *laughing*….
    hmmmm… *ponders*
    I wish i understood the gaming thing…
    *hugs Anne Wil and Keith*
    Andrea x

  19. Although I know next to nothing about role playing games, I still found it amusing…enough that I snickered loudly, which really isn’t good when you work in a library.

  20. Aha! Wil thinks he can make up for the lack of an April Fools Day post by passing off an April 2nd post as an April 1st one.

  21. That is so funny!
    That is exactly what happens to me when my husband comes home unexpectedly. I had to laugh out loud, I could just put myself there. It’s amazing what kind of good excuses someone, especially myself, can come up with on the spot.
    God, I love reading your articles, they always make me smile.

  22. You are EXACTLY like my boyfriend. We are getting married in two years and I hope to have him fully house trained by then, but I can see that I shouldn’t hold my breath.
    I asked him to do the dishes a week ago and they are sitting in the sink…STILL. It looks like he might have been starting them, but one of his friends came over so they are in the computer room for the rest of the night and the dishes will sit for another week.
    I am SOOOO not doing them. He doesn’t work, he goes to school for two hours a day and he doesn’t do SHIT around the house. I clean, I do the laundry, I cook, I do the dishes, I take care of the cat, I mow the lawn, AND I work 40 hours a week.
    You think just once, you men (in general) could do what we ask.

  23. Figure it out dude. As soon as you hear the wife pull in, don’t fuck around with what’s on the desk. Get your ass in the kitchen, get the sponge wet and soapy, and rearrange the dishes to a slightly different configuration than she left them. It then gives the appearance that she interrupted you while you were doing chores and that they would have been done if she had arrived home at the expected time.

  24. This Anne of yours sounds like a real sweetheart. Had it been my wife catching me in the act of goofing off, you’da thought a few WMD’s went off. She gets that way, y’know? Until I smack her around and remind her not to forget who she’s talkin’ to. Your wife chunked dice at you,my wife chunked a fuckin’ glass at me. Straightened her out, I did. She knows not to throw things or I throw her, you know? Great post!

  25. So, once a good friend of yours gets back from Aussie-land, what say we all go skydiving? My treat.
    Kev

  27. Today is my birthday…I got a set of new dice and some Guinness. My husband stepped out to get money for pizza for tonights D&D campaign. While he was gone I was to clean up the kitchen and dining room, so we could just mess it up again. As soon as my husband walked out the door, I went to the window and watched him leave. I then went to the table and finished the the last bits of Character creation on “Captain Drake Waters.” I was caught being distracted by the “Forbidden Dice.” I know how it is to be caght red handed, and today is just ditracting anyways.
    Wil,
    I look forward to the rest of that story…
    I was wondering if you were going to be at Gen Con in June in Indiana?

  29. And this is why your office needs a firemans pole. So as she comes up the stairs, you slide down and have time to make a break for it. Duck and cover my friend, duck and cover. 🙂

  30. I’ve got a shelf like that in my comp room/home office…Spy v Spy figures, Ash and Evil Ash, The Maxx, assorted SW toys, Jay and Silent Bob, etc, etc
    Homestarrunner’s 4/1 page was easily the best, although I did love Google’s “Lunar Research Facility” employment page, especially the part about organizing all the information in the universe and serving it on a lightly salted cracker.
    Now, the important question, has any man ever succeeded on a saving throw vs. significant other? I think not.

  31. Jeez, just do the freakin’ dishes! Surely you have a dishwasher (i.e. clever place to hide dirty dishes from guests)? I just don’t get men, if they would just do the chore first THEN play they’d get more nookie.
    It’s not like she asked you to mow the lawn or repaint the house…*shakes head* Can’t wait to read the rest of the story.

  32. Okay, this conflict between husband and wife has been going on for decades, generations, centuries! The bottom line, men and women’s minds biologically work different. We know this, but do we? My husband will forget to do things I ask him and before I get angry, I remember he thinks differently from me. I usually say something sarcastic to him like, “Gee, honey, thanks for cleaning the dishes! What a great job you did!” and he’ll say, “Your welcome” when he clearly hadn’t touched them, but will get a sheepish look to his face when he remembers he was supposed to do them or realizes what time it is. So, my advice to all women, give your man a break, he didn’t not do what you asked on purpose. Just know that he doesn’t think like you and love him all the more!!!

  34. hey wil,
    great story, i can’t wait for the rest of it!
    YEY for Aqualad, i hope it went well!
    take care
    rach

  35. “…Star Wars toys, and an Enterprise D that lights up.”
    That cracked me right up, I’m not entirely sure why.
    Good writing is in the details, and that is a great one.
    I really enjoy reading your blog, wil.

  36. Hey! Great to hear that you’re writing for KODT! 😀 I do a comic strip there (and on their website), and I’ve been visiting here for the better part of a year now. Cool! We’re like, co-workers now 😉 Okay, maybe not.

  37. Why is it that behind every great geek stands a woman that will relentlessly ask that we do chores?
    I guess we just go for that type…

  38. I agree with Keith and Natalie; do the chores FIRST; it takes only 5 minutes to wash the dishes. And Natalie is right–men are from Mars, women are from Venus. Too bad we don’t have a universal translator. “Darmok and Gilard on the ocean.” Picard worked hard at trying to communicate with aliens. Let that be a lesson for us.
    Friends always. Freeman 🙂

  39. good Underworld ref. Wil. I learned a long time ago, do the dishes first, then goof off.
    And being a nerd I’m watching NextGen eps 2nite.
    -Njoy

  40. Uh-oh, Wil! Better make your saving throw vs. honked-off spousal unit!
    (Man, I haven’t played D&D since I was in high school. Still have all my old 1st edition manuals, though, and my prized “crystal”–OK, clear plastic–polyhedral dice.)
    On an unrelated note, I found and purchased a copy of Dancing Barefoot–at Softpro Books in Englewood. They’re nominally a computer bookstore; I think they stock it because they stock so many other O’Reilly books. And, as a Softpro Club member, I got a 10% discount! Other Denver-area monkeys who are looking for it should go there…

  41. Lest my wife be misunderstood, I feel compelled to point out the following:
    1. If I did the dishes first, there would be no story.
    2. This is entirely a work of fiction, created from the depths of my mind for KOTD. Hence, “creative writing” department.
    3. I got to work with Johyn DiMaggio again on Titans today, and he did Bender’s voice twice during breaks. Nyaaah.

  42. “…so I could write the foreword to the Knights Of The Dinner Table Tales From The Vault Volume One.”
    What, they’re reprinting it? I thought they were up to volume 4 or 5…
    /reires in confusion

  43. This is exactly the same conversation I have with my girlfriend. My friend and I are drooling over the chance to play World of Warcraft, and we’re both trying to get our significant others involved. In order to pull of this feat requires we schedule months in ahead. I’m telling her that to appease her, she can play a Night Elf (truly the gayest of all the possible races, but if I can get my girlfriend involved, what the hell). Here is a transcript of the conversation…
    Me: “So we’re thinking of doing it Tuesdays and Thursdays, for just a few hours a night.”
    GF: “You are a nerd.” (in mocking, half-facetious tones)
    Me: “They’re really cool, their eyes glow.”
    GF: “You are both nerds.”
    Me: “Come on, now, it’d be fun.”
    GF: “The nerditudinalness of this venture is unnerding to me.”
    Me: “Well I’m sorry you can’t accessorize your Night Elf with a pink purse.”
    GF:
    Me: “Will you at least try?”
    GF: “You are drowning me in your nerdiness.”
    At this point I just give up. Easiest thing to do is just accept the fact that your girl will never understand the how or why you enjoy or enjoyed such pleasures, just as you will never understand why Clinique beautifying lotion #5P with Aloe Vera is better than Clairol 3 in 1 (I’m making shit up at this point.)
    Good luck with all of that. 🙂

  44. Just told hubby about your latest entry, unfortunately, he won’t stop playing Neverwinter Nights long enough to read it. He’s played 1st edition, hell, he has almost every manual ever printed. He adamantly exclaimed people who play D&D are NOT geeks!
    Little does he know…
    And I stand by my first comment…do the dishes, man! And when you’re done, come to my house and do mine! LOL

  46. Wil,
    I am so relieved to find out this is a piece of fiction. I should have known–“creative writing”. You really had us all fooled–a masterful piece of writing. I was beginning to worry about your having to sleep on the couch for two weeks.
    Write on! Freeman 🙂

  48. Speaking of Anne, how is her friend doing? It’s nice seeing you are getting closer to your goal for that walk!

  49. Wil,
    On the introductory page of your website for first-time readers it says you are thirty years old; that needs to be updated. Also, it would be nice to have some new photos added to your gallery, especially of you and Anne.
    “I love you, Wil Wheaton! Lets be friends!
    Freeman.

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