I had two different auditions for games last week, where I got to do wildly different characters and voices. One is for a project that had **CONFIDENTIAL** stamped all over it, so I probably shouldn’t reveal its name, and the other was for a 3rd person Shooter from the Predator universe.
Around 2000 or 2001, when I was constantly failing in on camera auditions, I had this sense of “do or die” about them. I desperately wanted to book jobs so I could work and Prove To Everyone That Quitting Star Trek Wasn’t A Mistake (that’ll make sense when you read Just A Geek), not so I could be part of something cool. It’s completely different now.
I’ve had a few of these game auditions recently, and I always wonder if I’m the only actor who is also a Gamer, and if I’m the only person who’s looking at it as more than just a job. I mean, when I read for Twisted Metal, and when I read for this Project That Must Not Be Named, Precious, I had to take a moment, breathe deeply, and calm myself down so I could focus and do a good job.
Speaking of focusing and doing a good job . . . I haven’t been all that inspired lately. I haven’t been able to find that . . . thing . . . that makes me feel good and satisfied wen I write in my weblog. I thought I was focused on training for the marathon, then I thought I was burnt out from the Just A Geek rewrite, then I thought maybe I was just sort of burnt out in general, or lazy . . . but I spent some time soul-searching late last night, and I think I know what’s going on.
Everyone else in the family had gone to sleep, and it was past midnight. I just wasn’t able to sleep, so I sat on the couch and tried to read . . . but I couldn’t focus. In the back of my mind, I knew that I was avoiding the real reason that I haven’t been interested in weblogging, so I put down my book, and faced it. I turned off the light, opened the window over my head, and sat there, in the green glow of my ambient orb, and listened to the crickets in my back yard. I let my mind drift, and the answer came to me.
Why am I sort of creatively paralyzed right now?
I’m scared.
There it was. I’m scared.
Just A Geek has been completely out of my hands for a few weeks. I don’t have any more control over it, and I just have to wait for it to come out. It’s very much like watching your child walk into their first day of Kindergarten, and hoping that he doesn’t hurt himself on the playground, or disrupt the class, or get hurt by another kid . . . you spend the entire day worrying about all the things that can go wrong, because you can’t protect or guide your baby any more.
I remember this with Nolan, and how worried Anne and I were on his first day. We were fully prepared to walk him to the class room, but as soon as we pulled up in front of the school, he grabbed his backpack (I think it was Power Rangers), unbuckled his seatbelt, and jumped out of the car.
“I love you, Mom,” he said, and started to walk down the sidewalk.
Anne and I looked at each other.
“Let him go,” I said.
“I love you too, Pookie,” she said. “See you after school.”
“Okay. Bye.”
And that was it. He was so confident, and so ready to go . . . it took us both completely by surprise. We went out to breakfast together, and hardly touched our food. We were both worried about everything that could go wrong, and even though Anne had already done this with Ryan, it was the first time for me . . . I was a wreck.
When we picked Nolan up, we talked to his teacher, and found out that he had behaved himself pretty well during the day. He didn’t like sitting in one place on the rug, but that was it. (I couldn’t blame him, but I kept that to myself.)
I wish I could just have faith that my book will handle its first days in school as well as Nolan did . . . but I haven’t been able to just let it walk down the sidewalk, and hope for the best. Maybe now that I’ve faced it, its power over me will evaporate, and I’ll be able to find the same excitement that I felt with Dancing Barefoot.
Yeah. That’s what I need to do, because to focus on the Fear, Uncertainty, and Doubt (heh) is to ignore the Hope, Excitement, and Joy. It’s like being so afraid of crashing, I forget to enjoy the ride.