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the joker

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“The secret source of Humor itself is not joy but sorrow.”
— Mark Twain


Earlier today, I took Ryan with me to the party store to buy some wrapping paper for my brother’s birthday present. At the checkout, there was one of those kiosks that plays selections from fifteen or so CDs of “party music.”
After about two minutes of hearing little kids sing “Party All The Time,” the theme to SpongeBob Squarepants, and the chorus of “Electric Slide” over and over again, I gave serious consideration to committing harakiri with the roll of wrapping paper I was holding.
When we stepped up to the cashier, I said, “Do they pay you extra for having to suffer through that music all day?”
She sighed and said, “No. They should, though.”
“I think it’s actually cruel and unusual,” I said, “and a violation of UN treaties.”
She looked back at me, blankly, and said, “Can I have your ZIP code, please?”
“No,” I said. (You see, it starts with the phone number at Radio Shack, then it’s the ZIP code everywhere else, and before you know it, we’re giving them DNA slides and submitting to retina scans. We’ve got to draw the line somewhere, people.)
“Whatever,” she said, and typed in the local ZIP code. We completed our transaction, and I walked out of the store.
Before the doors had even closed, Ryan said, “Wil, that was really lame.”
“What was?” I said.
“I don’t want to hurt your feelings . . . but I don’t think that girl knew what UN treaties were, and you sounded sort of stupid.”
“So should I have said ‘Geneva Conventions’?”
“Uhm. No.” He said.
“What about —”
He put his hand on my shoulder. “You just . . . shouldn’t have said anything.”
For the first time in my life, I felt completely lame and out of touch. I haven’t felt that uncomforatble in my own skin since . . . well, since I was Ryan’s age, and my dad embarrassed me in front of some girl.
We got to the car. As I unlocked the doors, I said, “I’m really sorry if I embarrassed you, Ryan. It was funny in my head.”
“It’s okay,” he said, gently. “It’s just that your sense of humor is like coffee . . . it’s an acquired taste.”
“So this is what it feels like on this side of the generation gap,” I thought.
As we drove home, I thought about all those times I was so mortified by my dad, when he was just being who he is, and I understood that Mark Twain quote about growing older and understanding who our fathers really are. I think I need to call my dad . . . I owe him an apology about ten years ago.

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18 August, 2004 Wil

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wanna always feel like part of this was mine → ← drive the car around the world

132 thoughts on “the joker”

  1. Abe says:
    18 August, 2004 at 9:35 pm

    Hey, don’t let Ryan get you down. Just because your humor doesn’t appeal to 14 year olds doesn’t make it “unfunny” or “lame.” We love you just the same.

  2. Chris says:
    18 August, 2004 at 9:49 pm

    *grins* Two things come to mind: 1.) It’s your job to embarrass him, seriously, it’s part of growing up. And 2.) I wouldn’t reduce your humor to the lowest common denominator, just because we can’t be bothered to educate our children. You know? God knows she needs to hear the words “UN Treaties” somewhere…

  3. Kadiah says:
    18 August, 2004 at 9:57 pm

    I read that to my sister of 13 years, and she found it amusing, if that helps your bruised ego any :/

  4. Carl says:
    18 August, 2004 at 10:25 pm

    Wil,
    It WAS funny. The checkout girl was just a dumbass. Feel better now? Good. 🙂

  5. Colleen says:
    18 August, 2004 at 10:30 pm

    The geek inside must show itself on occasion. Some will recogize it for pure brillance, others will scoff..teenagers will just see it as a way to draw attention to thier little world.
    Cheer up, he will embarass his own kids. Set a good example 🙂
    I loved it! Geekess showing proudly.

  6. Jess says:
    18 August, 2004 at 10:50 pm

    i laughed out loud…and i’m far closer in age to that clerk. and if she doesn’t know what UN treaties are…well she should. lol.

  7. Isaac says:
    18 August, 2004 at 10:53 pm

    Wil,
    For all its worth, the joke was great.
    Fathers are meant to embarass their kids, you gave ryan an easy way out.
    Try imagining your dad dancing in the middle of the street because he loved the music (serious hip waving) … that happend to me. I was fuming then … now I love doing it myself.
    PS: you are the reason I subscribe to broadband in my home.

  8. George says:
    19 August, 2004 at 2:33 am

    Ryan has a point. The cashier was probably not the right audience for the joke. I remember that when I was a teen it wasn’t the cool to make a risky, intelligent joke that might be lost on the audience. Being cool in teenage terms is one thing but I think the world is better for the joke. You’re being true to your nature to make the joke and, as several other readers have said, the cashier really needs to hear the term “Geneva Convention” more often…
    It’s wonderful that Ryan appreciates your sense of humor, even if he thinks of it as an acquired taste. As a teen, I don’t think I ever gave my dad fair credit for his attempts at humor. Wish I’d been more like Ryan in that respect.

  9. Richard j Smith says:
    19 August, 2004 at 3:22 am

    Hey wil, I tell people that they either get use to my humor or sick of my humor. There is no middle of the road. And remember, A grown is better then a laugh to a deaf elephant!

  10. Rob says:
    19 August, 2004 at 4:27 am

    Wil,
    New to the site, but a total addict. As someone who just crossed the threshold of thirty, your musings have helped make the transition much smoother.
    I

  11. Dave says:
    19 August, 2004 at 6:04 am

    Make up a zip code, a phone number, and always say you make less than $20K when forced to specify your annual income on one of those registration sites. Skew the marketing data!
    Since nobody else posted a reply to Kelli, Wil was in the scene where Riker and Troi get married in “Nemesis” (no speaking lines). Definite disappointment for all of us.
    Search on NEMESIS on the bottom of the main page to let Wil tell the story of what happened.

  12. Laura says:
    19 August, 2004 at 6:05 am

    Everyone (especially kids!) needs to be embarrassed sometimes. It won’t hurt ’em and it builds character. The shame would be if you started censoring your spontaneous comments because you were worried about embarrassing someone. 🙂
    Nice that he was nice about it, though. Bodes well for communication between you in the future.
    But you never know – the girl may have gotten your joke after you left. She might have thought it was really clever. Now she’s agonizing about whether she should have said something spontaneous back, but alas, the opportunity is gone. Now she’ll go out with her lame straight-up white bread boyfriend and wish that he’d make a witty, smart, geeky quip.
    (note: my husband makes ’em all the time and I think it’s adorable.)

  13. Tasha says:
    19 August, 2004 at 6:37 am

    Well…I thought it was funny. 🙁
    Either I act too old (I’m only 19) or you aren’t that out of touch and the girl was just undereducated (I mean, come on. Who doesn’t know what a UN treaty is?).

  14. Lacy D-Z says:
    19 August, 2004 at 7:08 am

    My son’s only three. So far, I’m still cool 😉

  15. James in S.D. says:
    19 August, 2004 at 7:31 am

    Hey Wil, someone should update your “Wish” page. You’ve now got two books done, working (hopefully!) on the third.
    It’s no fun feeling lame. ‘Specially when our loved ones see it happen.

  16. James in S.D. says:
    19 August, 2004 at 7:34 am

    Oh, in her possible defense, she just might’ve been responding as one would to a joke or pun one found completely unfunny. The cold, dead eyes staring at you as she changes the subject.
    But it _was_ funny.

  17. TazY2K says:
    19 August, 2004 at 7:35 am

    Wil, you are destined to say WAY more embarrassing things in front of him in the future. It’s not only your job, it’s your responsibility. 🙂 Just remind him, no matter how bad he thinks the situation is, you could always make it worse by passing gas, too.

  18. Hughski says:
    19 August, 2004 at 7:48 am

    I’m 20, which I suppose puts me halfway between you and your stepkids Wil, and I think that was a great joke!
    In fact, I’ve made similar ones myself. Usually refering to UN chemical weapons bans when one of my particularly flatulent friends lets rip.
    I think it’s far more down to education and upbringing than age, when it comes to sense of humour.
    Don’t dilute your humour just because a few people don’t appreciate it Wil.

  19. Rob Raisch says:
    19 August, 2004 at 8:18 am

    It’s exactly these kinds of observations about life that keep me coming back here.

  20. Tairo says:
    19 August, 2004 at 8:41 am

    Shoot, I tell my kids it’s my job to embarass them!

  21. Erica says:
    19 August, 2004 at 8:51 am

    I used to work at Six Flags New England in the kiddie section, and I definitely remember how irritating it was to listen to the same lame looney tune songs over and over again. I managed to tune it all out after a month or so, but then one day there was a park-wide power outage*, and everything just went SILENT. It was eerie! Indescribably weird, actually. Does anyone else suspect mind-control at these places?
    *when I say power outage, I mean one freak moment when the power failed, which is bound to happen at some point during foul weather when a bunch of mechanical devices are working together from the same power source at the same time. Since there were no casualties, I am not saying that the parks are unsafe, although anything can happen, and I’m going to stop talking now before they find me and take me away. Oh, but they treat their workers like crap, and if I spelled “indescribably” wrong, I humbly request that “that guy” set me straight. Thanks…I’m done.

  22. Jesse Slicer says:
    19 August, 2004 at 9:11 am

    Ah, Wil, in my mind (I’m about exactly your age so we’ll probably think alike) Ryan should have said after you left “Wil, I don’t think that girl knew what UN treaties were. The world is becoming a sad sad place. She deserves a better education.”
    Reminds me of the time in college on a cold rainy day I went through the drive-thru at Wendy’s and ordered some value meal combo and asked if the drink could be hot chocolate. The person behind the tinny speaker replied, “No, it has to be a beverage.” I stared at that speaker for a full 10 seconds in silence and pondered what my next words would be. In order to keep the world moving smoothly, I said, “Make it a Sprite.”
    I felt so dirty.

  23. Joann says:
    19 August, 2004 at 9:11 am

    You know, when you’re a teenager, everything is so serious, so mortifying. When you’re an adult, you realize far less of it is.
    Don’t worry about it. And hey, it *was* funny.

  24. naomi. says:
    19 August, 2004 at 9:17 am

    i thought the u.n. treaty joke was really funny. does that make me lame, too? and on the mark twain note, “when i was a boy of fourteen, my father was so ignorant i could hardly stand to have the old man around. but when i got to be twenty-one, i was astonished at how much the old man had learned in seven years.” i love that quote — tis so true.

  25. Jesse Slicer says:
    19 August, 2004 at 9:19 am

    Oh yes, back to the ZIP Code/Phone Number/DNA privacy issue – generally I like giving the ZIP code if it’s a store I like and I have to go to another city to get there. They use that information to judge whether it makes good sense to open up a branch in or near your ZIP code. Worked with Best Buy in my area. Now RadioShaft on the other hand, since I worked for them in the distant past, doesn’t get my information whatsoever. And stores I don’t like get ‘90210’ as my ZIP since that’s the only semi-fictional one I know.

  26. Lawless1 says:
    19 August, 2004 at 9:24 am

    Wait a minute…we’re NOT supposed to embarrass our kids???? I thought that was half the fun of parenting! If I was that cashier I’d have not only gotten the joke, I would have probably tired to tell one back. Ryan sounds like one hell of a kid, Wil. Dare I use the phrase “chip off the old block”?

  27. Kendra says:
    19 August, 2004 at 9:27 am

    Reminds me of once I was standing in line at the grocery store and the cashier was having trouble with her keys sticking.
    Her: “I have to bash my key.”
    Me: “Is your key in the bin?”
    Her: “What bin?”
    Me: “The cgi bin…”
    Her: “…Please sign your receipt.”
    I felt so nerdy and …old. Pre-linux old! I felt so utterly nerdy and out of touch with today’s youth, even though I’m considered today’s youth.
    Maybe it’s because I use such archaic basic languages.
    Ha. Basic. … Another …nerd joke.

  28. Meg says:
    19 August, 2004 at 9:28 am

    Circa 1995, while listening to an R&B station with a group of my fellow teens, our chaufer (my dad) said “The only kind of rapping I do is around Christmas-time.” Looking back…what an embarassing, head shaking, hilarious, fantastic man.

  29. Niccalo says:
    19 August, 2004 at 9:46 am

    I thought it was funny.

  30. Joshua says:
    19 August, 2004 at 9:48 am

    Is it an age difference, or an educational difference? I can’t tell. But nonetheless – never be apologetic for the expression of your wisdom, wit and knowledge. I think Ryan is right — good humor is an aquired taste. If we wanted to keep eating bolognia on white bread, we would. Instead our palate grows in sophistication as our experience levels increase, and what is funny to a person of educational means may be completely lame to someone who just doesn’t get the joke because of a lack of life experience. Maybe this is why Dennis Miller only makes about half the audience laugh and the other just scratch their heads.
    If it counts for anything, I think your freakin’ hilarious, and I know I’m not alone. But, I’m sure this is more about the “I’m getting old” thing and less about the “I’m not cool thing”. Embarrassing Ryan is a right of passage you and he have to experience together, and it would happen no matter how cool you think you are :). Later, he’ll think fondly on ths moment, as you are reflecting on your own dad. It will be a source of future bonding. Just remember, wine is better when it ages, and so are people. We have a culture obsessed with youth, and it has negative affects on our ego when we have moments like this.
    But yea, you may have been out of your peer group, and sometimes idioms just don’t translate. Next time, you can guage your audience and make a fart joke :).

  31. walt says:
    19 August, 2004 at 9:56 am

    Wil:
    Sorry if this is the wrong place to post this, but I don’t see the “click here if you just read the book and want to tell me I rock” link.
    I just read the book. I got it some weeks ago, but I’ve been too busy, so I put it in my trunk and here I am on vacation and I thought, eh, I could read this. I won’t give away the surprise ending, but I just have to say, “Dude.” (which in this case does not stand for “check out that hottie”).
    Its actually appropriate to write this on this blog entry because, yeah, some of your jokes in the book, like the whole /. subculture thing, not getting it … well, not all of it. But, anyway, there was enough that I could get and could relate to that it was a page turner. I liked your writing style, too. So, now I’m going to read your blog. I actually read your blog once in 2002 and wrote you an email disagreeing with your politics or something (you hollywood elite leftist commie you) but, I think you William -F’ing- Shatner’ed me. Oh, well.
    PS: I am a geek – thus getting a book titled “Just a Geek” for the bday. But, I have been assimiliated and actually enjoy life as a drone. My designation is MCSE – whoo yah!

  32. 1cutebird says:
    19 August, 2004 at 9:59 am

    Nice entry! I haven’t got kids so I don’t relate to that generation gap thing yet.
    This is my personal Mark Twain quote which I do relate to though.
    “She was not quite what you would call refined. She was not quite what you would call unrefined. She was the kind of person who keeps a parrot.” – Mark Twain

  33. Scaryduck says:
    19 August, 2004 at 10:19 am

    Wil, only a select band of people get my humour too. My daughter, several blog readers and …err… that’s it.
    If you think listening to instore music CDs is bad, just wait until after Thanksgiving when the Christmas music starts…

  34. Sally says:
    19 August, 2004 at 10:30 am

    I’m really glad you had a good holiday (even though the internet has been abit boring in your absence) and don’t worry about generation gaps, I tell inside jokes that are SO inside nobody gets them except me 🙂
    Just received your book this morning (just in time too, my holiday begins tomorrow!) and I was jumping around like a crazy person I was so excited. It’s so professional and hard-backy, I’m really looking forward to reading it and freaking people out on the train when I begin laughing hysterically to myself!

  35. Larissia says:
    19 August, 2004 at 10:47 am

    This is the first time I really related to a post you made. My mom passed away several years ago and reading your entry made me recall all of the times that I was embarassed by things she did and said. I would give all that I have now to have her with me so I could have her make me laugh and see her be silly. Your children are so very lucky to have a caring and loving parent!

  36. nlscb says:
    19 August, 2004 at 11:21 am

    Unless you are leaving key things out, Ryan is going to be a diplomat/arbitrator when he grows up. I hate to admit it and undermine your paretnal authority, but it sounds like he was right on this one. It was a good joke, but low level customer service sucks. Making a sarcastic comment can sometimes go the wrong way for all sorts of reasons. Better just to complement them on there clothes or haircut or something. You are much more likely to make them feel better. Do your kids ever do something stupid or get in trouble? I know you wouldn’t talk about it on the site, nor should you, but it just seems a little too good to be true sometimes. Then again, maybe I’m just cynical and you’re blessed.

  37. budderfly says:
    19 August, 2004 at 11:38 am

    Biru means beer in Japanese so Kill Bill would become Cut Beer.
    I teach martial arts to kids (5-8 years and 9-14 years) and even though I am only 26, I have felt moments of “God, I’m getting old.” I mistook Yugi-oh cards for Pokeman once and got corrected like I was living under a rock. Well excuuuuuse me. I start talking about bands in the 90’s and they look at me like I looked at my parent s when they talked about Carly Simon, James taylor and Simon & Garfunkel.
    One similar story to share is when I had a roommate who was the messiest fucker ever. He was a year older than me and lazier than a fat narcoleptic cat. I found myself constantly reminding him to rinse his dishes after use (so the food doesn’t get all crusty, cause you know he’ll never do the damn dishes), cleaning hair out of the sink after shaving, making sure windows are locked before leaving the house, use up the milk in the existing container before opening a new one… you get the picture.
    The weird thing is those were the same things my mom would bark at me when I was younger. After a decade I finally understood why she was telling me these things. And the time when she said “wait until you have kids of your own!” kinda came true. Though I have no kids yet, that lazy roommate was close enough to make this comparison. She was right. I called her up and apologized and told her that I now understand. She laughed at me.

  38. Jessica says:
    19 August, 2004 at 11:48 am

    Great blog today. I will someday identify. I have two boys ages 8 and 11. I am still funny and cool in their eyes. Someday, I am sure that wont be the case. I am at lengedary status with my 11 year old. I have been riding that for a while. When he was in first grade, he captured a garter snake and wanted to show it during show-and-tell. Needless to say the snake was aggitated when I took it out of the bucket. Two seconds later it bit me in from of the class. I was cool, calm, and collected and the boys were all going “Ooh.” I was and still am the cool mom. I will be sad the day my ride ends.
    Jessica

  39. Julia says:
    19 August, 2004 at 12:00 pm

    On the practice of Radio Shack asking for phone numbers — there’s a certain 3-digit number used for control purposes by the phone company here, and a friend of mine started using that, followed by 4 random digits, when asked at Radio Shack.

  40. alli says:
    19 August, 2004 at 12:55 pm

    I remember being that age and being moritified by my parents. However, now that I am older…anyway. I see my husband being like that at times. He heckles the teenage kids in the grocery store or when we go out to eat. And they roll their eyes and sort of walk away as only a disgruntled teenager can do.
    I just sort of giggle at my husband then and inform him that he is no longer hip with the kids.

  41. Mike Pacholik says:
    19 August, 2004 at 1:03 pm

    I was at the moives seeing Collateral with my Dad last week, I don’t hang around him much that I have grown up. One thing that really bugs me at the movies is when people talk during the movie, The preview okay, but not the movie. So here I am watching the movie and my Dad starts talking to me. What do I do, he is my Dad. I just put my index finger up to my mouth and say “shhhh”. I felt bad but he did it 3 times. He never said anything about it. I am 37 years old and my Dad is still embarrassing me. What are you going to do. 🙂
    -Mike

  42. Winona says:
    19 August, 2004 at 1:10 pm

    Wil, had I been the poor cash register girl, I would’ve laughed my butt off. Regardless, I still laughed my butt off, causing the others in my office to, well, stare blankly. Oh well.

  43. Apeculiardaisy says:
    19 August, 2004 at 1:57 pm

    hehe. Sounds lke something I’d have said. You were at Wal-mart weren’t you? They have those bobdamned things EveryWhere. Its incredibly annoying.

  44. Kethrim says:
    19 August, 2004 at 3:00 pm

    For phone number, just go with 867-5309. And insist that your name is Jenny.
    Dude, don’t even worry about being lame. Ryan probably doesn’t think you’re lame, he may have just been concerned with the girl’s feelings, since she obviously didn’t get/appreciate the joke. Which is very cool.
    Some of us (teenagers; I’m 17 but rarely act it, though sometimes I choose to have a “teenager moment” (hey, if older people can have senior moments, I can have teenager moments)) are aware of stuff that goes on emotionally; if you had said that joke and I was in Ryan’s place and felt embarrassed, I might not have chosen to show it…. In short, it is not age that determines such reactions, it is more education, formal and otherwise.
    I don’t understand the generation gap thing so much. It seems to have mostly to do with being aware of things. The thing about kids thinking their parents are sometimes lame is that they’ve spent so much time with them. It’s hard for kids to help feeling that way about their parents; the trick is how they deal with it. I like to just ignore it sometimes. Ryan chose to tactfully tell you how he felt, which, as I said, is very cool.
    And don’t worry if some people don’t get your jokes. It happens to a lot of us. Just remember: Dancing Cupcakes. (They help make Fur Elise so much more entertaining.)

  45. Morelos Barros says:
    19 August, 2004 at 3:04 pm

    That happens to me all the time. People just seem to get my sense of humor and I always tell teh same reply: You have to learn to laugh about life and, most important, to laugh about you.
    I think your sense of humor is clever. At least I get it.

  46. Michael says:
    19 August, 2004 at 3:17 pm

    I thought the joke was funny. Eh, don’t ever not tell a joke because you are afraid your audience won’t understand you. Sometimes they will, and their day will be better because of it, thus increasing the happyness in the world. Sometimes they won’t, but if they don’t get the joke, as long as you aren’t condesending about it, it is no worse than not telling the joke at all.
    I do want to say, my whole life, I’ve known just how smart my parents are. (And how smart they aren’t.) And at 25, my dad is still embarassing. (I’ve been told by others that he is embarrasing at 30 and 40 too. That’s okay, ’cause I’m occasionally embarrasing too.

  47. Michael says:
    19 August, 2004 at 3:21 pm

    Oh and I just got your book. Actually, I just bugged my librarian until she got your book for me, since I am very broke. Loved it. Thank you veddy much.

  48. Lorraine says:
    19 August, 2004 at 3:40 pm

    Wil, your jokes are great. Embarassment passes quickly. Just as you recall the memories of your father embarassing you, Ryan will recall you embarassing him and the cycle will continue on with his children. It is why we are here. It is necessary to embarass each other, it reminds us of our humanity. I know my mother was born to embarass me and I wouldn’t change a hair on her head. Thank you for the glimpses into your heart and your family.

  49. amazing kreskin says:
    19 August, 2004 at 6:06 pm

    *I* thought it was funny … hey, if your audience is so lame that they don’t know what the UN is, that’s there problem. If you want everyone to get all of your attempts at humour, stick to slapstick.
    Carry on.

  50. amazing kreskin says:
    19 August, 2004 at 6:07 pm

    I mean “their problem” … I’m so tired I can’t spell.

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