Viva Las Vegas — part five

Part Four is here.

Over the next several hands, the table tightens up significantly. I thought I was a tight player, but just about any bet gets the table to fold . . . and it’s Kotter who is doing the betting. He slowly builds his stack back up, eighteen and twenty-one dollars at a time, and I’d love to get into a pot with him, but my cards are consistently garbage: nothing but single-ply, rest area toilet paper.
At one point, Golf Shirt raises him, and they go heads up. I forget the exact board, but there is a Queen, at when Golf Shirt turns up Q-3 at the showdown, Kotter slowly nods his head, like, “I knew I was beat all along,” before showing K-5.
“You don’t have to show if you know you’re beat,” Pungent says. “You can just fold it.”
Kotter looks down at his chips, nods his head, and in that moment he becomes the single most tragic figure I’ve ever seen in a casino — hell, maybe anywhere — in my life.
Right around the deadly 2.5 hour mark (the time, I’ve determined, when my game completely falls apart, unless I’m on the greatest rush in history) I find A-9 of clubs, one seat ahead of the button. It’s called all the way around, and I decide to raise it. My reasoning goes something like this: “I haven’t been in any hands in a long time. Maybe I can just buy this now, and walk out of here a winner!”
It’s folded all the way around to Siegfried, who calls. Dianne calls, and Rob deals out the flop: Ad-5d-7c. Siegfried checks, Dianne checks, and I bet. They both call.
Golf Shirt’s wife walks up, holding a bucket filled with quarters. It looks like it must weigh fifty pounds.
“Gary! Gary! I won! I won!”
We all stop and look up at her.
“How much?” He says.
“I don’t know! This much!” She shakes the bucket, and some quarters slip off the top and roll under our chairs. Her excitement infects her husband, and trickles out onto the table a little bit.
“There’s nothing quite like winning in Vegas, is there?” I say to her.
She smiles and nods. “How’re you doing?” She asks Golf Shirt.
“Down a little,” he says. He’s actually played pretty well, by my estimation. He’s just not catching that many cards.
“Well, we’re up now!” She says, as more quarters spill onto the floor.
“Congratulations,” Dealer Rob says with a genuine smile, “Here comes the turn.”
It’s the 10 of clubs. “Oh! Top pair, overcard kicker, and a flush draw . . . excellent.”
Siegfried bets, so I figure he’s paired a ten, unless he’s playing 9-8, which I suppose is possible . . . but I’m still leading. Dianne calls, but she’s been in it until the River with just about anything, so I call.
Mrs. Golf Shirt kisses her husband on the cheek, and tells him she’ll be back after she cashes out her quarters. They’re a happy couple, and I smile as I watch them.
“Three players,” says Dealer Rob. He knocks the table — the first time I’ve seen this move since I sat down — and deals The River: the ten of spades.
I look out at the board: Ad-5d-7c-10c-10s.
Siegfried bets, and this time it’s back to foppishly. I wonder if that’s some sort of tell? Dianne calls, and I call.
“Showdown,” Dealer Rob says to Siegfried. I hear an explosion of cheering from a craps table. It’s the first sound from the rest of the casino that I’ve heard since I sat down.
Siegfried turns up the Ace of spades and the nine of diamonds. I laugh, and get ready to split the pot . . . until Dianne turns over the 4 of diamonds . . . and the ten of diamonds.
It’s my turn to look like Kotter. “Aw, fuck me.”
Siegfried purses his lips, and blows out a perturbed sigh. Dealer Rob pushes the pot toward her, and I say “Nice hand, Dia— uh, Ma’am.”
“Thank you,” she says with an embarrassed smile.
“Well, time to cut out of here while I’m still a hundred bucks ahead,” I tell myself, but my legs refuse to get up. A new inner voice, which sounds remarkably like Mr.T, says, “You gonna let her take your money? You better get it back, fool! Damn crazy lady playing Highway Patrol catches two runners to beat you . . . I pity the fool who leaves the table after that beat!”
It’s a pretty big “warning flag,” when I’ve got imaginary voices calling me out, (especially when I haven’t been drinking Guinness), but when Mr. T. speaks, I listen. Against my better judgement, I play “just one more hand” for another twenty minutes, but I never open until I find AK in the Big Blind.
It’s called all the way around, and when Dealer Rob gives me the option, I say, “Raise.”
But he’s starting to deal the flop before I put my chips out. He stops short, and says, “Three more to play.”
“What?” Trucker Hat says.
“He said raise,” Dealer Rob says. “It was my mistake.”
Trucker Hat sighs and squints at me.
Golf Shirt quickly calls. His leg is as still as a dead salmon frozen in a waterfall, so I’m happy to get the extra checks. Pungent looks at his cards, then to me, then to his cards again before he splashes three chips out. Kotter stares at me and does the slam: “I call him.” Trucker Hat growls at me as he calls, and Siegfried raises!
I put him on a steal, and I’m happy to get the action, but the rest of the table is clearly unhappy with this move.
I’d have to lean around Dealer Rob to see Dianne, but out of the corner of my eye, I see her hand put out a call.
I look down at my stack, which I’ve arranged into a pyramid: three stacks of 20 chips lean up against the padding, then two, and finally one stack of reds out front. There are another ten or so reds that I’ve been shuffling to the side, so I’m still up just over 100 bucks.
I snap three chips off one of the back stacks, and drop them in front of me. “Call.”
Golf Shirt folds, Pungent sighs heavily and flicks his cards away with one finger. Kotter stares into infinity, slowly nods his head, draws his lips tightly together, and casually tosses his cards toward Dealer Rob.
Trucker Hat avoids eye contact with me as he calls, and I’m positive that he’s just pissed at me for what he thinks was a shifty play. “You just stay nice and pissed at me, mister man,” I think, with just a touch of contempt.
Dealer Rob dumps the rake and deals out the flop: it’s a rainbow, 8-4-2.
Dianne checks, and I think back to everything I’ve read about playing A-K, which I think of as a very powerful drawing hand, but pretty damn far from a made hand, especially in a game like this, where someone is just as likely to be playing 5-7 off-suit as they are to be playing a big pocket pair. Sklansky says that it can start out as a strong hand, but if the flop totally misses you, it can become the dreaded “dominated hand” . . . or it can be two really big overcards that make for a nice semi-bluff, especially if you’ve raised it before the flop. My gut tells me that check means she was hoping to make a hand on the flop, and it missed her. I’m under the gun now, so I decide to show some strength, and see if I can buy this pot right now. If Siegfried raises, though, I have to figure I’m beat.
“Check or bet, sir,” Dealer Rob says.
“Bet.” I say.
It’s called all the way around, and I pause briefly to wonder if someone has paired that eight, but when the turn is an Ace, my wonders cease.
Dianne checks it again, and I bet it. Trucker Hat folds, Siegfried folds, and I’m getting ready to scoop up the pot and call it a day when Dianne raises me, which sets her all-in.
“All-in,” Dealer Rob announces.
My inner Admiral Akbar screams, “IT’S A TRAP!!” But my inner Lando Calrissian says, “Here goes nothing,” as I say, “Hey, you want to play them up?” and call.
Before she can say anything, the river comes out: it’s a blank, but we all know I’m beat by now anyway, right?
I turn over my Big Slick, and Dealer Rob says, “Pair of Aces.” It seems like fifteen years before he turns his head away from me, and looks back at the board. “Two Pair: Eights and Fours,” he says, as he shoves the pot to Dianne.
Golf Shirt says, “Holy shit, man.” Trucker Hat laughs out loud, and I wonder why this guy has decided to make me not just his opponent, but his enemy. It’s not like we ended up in any confrontations . . . but I guess it’s the difference between me and a serious gambler. I wonder if I’ll ever be able to cross that Rubicon?
“Oh man . . .” I say. “Nice hand, ma’am. Seriously, nice hand.”
It turns out that it really was my “one last hand,” and I rack my chips.
“That’s all for me,” I say, to nobody in particular.
“Have a good night,” Golf Shirt says.
“Tell you wife to buy you something nice with her slot wins,” I say.
“If she hasn’t given it all back!” He says with a chuckle. I don’t know how I could ever have a killer instinct against this guy, and I realize that I’m relieved we didn’t end up in any confrontations.
Just before I stand up, Dianne walks out behind me, my chips cradled in both her hands.
We arrive at the cashier together.

“Can I ask you two questions?”
She looks at me, warily. “Okay . . .”
“What’s your name?”
“Jennifer,” she says, a little puzzled.
“Of course it is, just like Jennifer Harman.”
“Hi, Jennifer. I’m Wil.” I extend my hand. As we shake I say, “How could you cold-call with just 8-4 unsuited?”
She flushes a deep crimson and says, “Oh that . . . well, I was down to nothing, anyway, and I just thought I’d play one last hand to see if I could get some of it back before I met my husband for dinner.”
Touche, Poker Gods. Tou-fucking-che.
The cashier counts my chips, and gives me two hundred and twenty-seven dollars.
“Well, you trapped me like a pro,” I say. “It was a hell of a hand.”
I pause, and I have to say it again. “A hell of a hand.”
“Thank you,” she says, “but I’m not really much of a poker player.”
“Could have fooled me,” I say. “Have a nice night.”
“You too.”
I tip the cashier, and walk out of the room. As I pass my former table, I see that Trucker Hat is heads up with Golf Shirt, who is bouncing his leg. I smile to myself and send him some mental mojo that he most certainly does not need.

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90 thoughts on “Viva Las Vegas — part five”

  1. Trucker Hat laughs out loud, and I wonder why this guy has decided to make me not just his opponent, but his enemy.
    I’m not sure TH was trying to get under your skin. If I was there I would have laughed too. Even if I was the one in your place. That’s just the way I respond to a “Touche, Poker Gods. Tou-fucking-che.” moment.

  3. Will that was a great story… Thanks or the awesome read.
    I felt a little CoNfUsEd when you were talking about the hands and terminology (river, button etc…). The game I always played and WON at was craps. Al you have to do is play the DON’T PASS LINE bet in 1, 3 and 4 then start over. Only game you can win with the house. When I went to Vegas with my old boss we played craps (HARD 8) was our thing. We lost hundreds (I was down to $5) when I noticed this old cat with black chips. I asked “how much are those?” Old cat tells me “hundred”. I ask about his system and he tells me, so I try it and lose my last fiver.
    Then I thank him and about to walk away and he flip me a $100 I catch it “try again” he says.
    My boss tells me this cat just wants to love up on me… I tell the guy “thanks but I can’t take this” he says “play it and pay me back when you win, if you don’t we are square”
    I played for 2 hours
    I don’t even know how much I was up
    Old cat was long gone with my appreciation and his $100
    Boss comes back and says we are leaving
    Talks me into playing one last hand
    ALL ON HARD 8
    DAMN BOSS
    But I need more of a challenge and am interested in learning this. I will keep ya posted.

  4. Wil, great writeup, and don’t be too hard on yourself. You played it perfectly, even the AK hand. All-in players will often throw their last chip in with nothing at all, and it only cost you one more bet to find out. I’d have played it the same way.
    I have the same tendency to remember the beats more than the wins, but so it goes. My favorite part of the story was finding out that your inner voice alternates between Mr. T, Admiral Akbar, and Lando Calrissian. Great stuff.

  7. Good stuff Wil! I recently lost $50+ on a bad beat (holding A7s, flopped a flush but the board paired on the river and I lost to a boat) so I can feel your pain.
    You should pitch some story ideas to poker mags/zines/websites, you could probably score a weekly column.

  8. Poker gods? Mr. T?? Voices in your head??? I LOVE YOU! *giggles like the fangirl she is and hugs you and doesn’t even apologize…sorry for that Mrs. Wheaton.

  9. Is your celebrity a help or a hindrance here? Did any of the other players give any indication that you were recognized? (Maybe that’s uncool behavior, what do I know about Vegas.)

  10. I wandered across your blog address whilst reading at Salon.com a few weeks ago. What a treat! I read a lot of blogs, and this is one of the most fun. It’s well written and FUNNY. And it’s nice to be able to sort of “hear” your voice when reading something you’ve written — a benefit of the celeb, I guess.
    The Vegas poker trip sounds like a gas…wish I had the guts to play poker with anyone other than Hubby and son at the kitchen table!!
    Thanks for sharing. – k

  11. Man, this is a lot of fun to read. I play a bit of Hold Em myself and man, it can sometimes be the one without any knowledge of the game who kills you.
    Where were you playing?

  12. Well i have no experiance of poker whatsoever, but that was a blast! anyone know where i can get hold of a copy of dancing barefoot in England? I’ve been trying to find it for aeons but no luck yet..grr

  13. Was this true? Cause I’ve been totally engrossed (sp?) in some of your stories before, only to find out that it was fiction. Either way, awesome story. I felt SO SORRY for Kotter. I wanted to hold his hand…donate some money…give him a HUGE shot of rum. Poor dude. Dianne/Jennifer was pretty, wasn’t she? You made it sound like she was.
    Cool story, once again.

  14. Tourist! 😉
    As with many others here, I’m not “up” on the whole hold ’em poker thing, but I was more or less able to follow the hands. Classic ending though! Beat not by strategy but by a whim.

  18. This was one of your best post’s yet. It kept me interested anxiously waiting for the next part to get posted. I can’t wait for you next poker story now. I have been reading your site for the last 3 years and your writing keeps getting better and better.

  19. well darn it, you should be selling poker chips. I just went and bought some of my own. Nothing fancy, just the one step above bottom of the barrel. Plastic chips, but with some weight. I’m perfectly happy with them. I’ll probably buy some more actually, as I only bought a hundred to see if I liked them.
    This is what your story did to me. It made me poker thirsty. Not for online games though. For real people and real chips. I can do without any smoke though.
    hmm, i need some felt …

  20. great story wil! thanks for sharing it! my husband and i enjoy reading your blog (and your “geek” book as well). just a side note: hubby was offered a free 6 month subscription to entertainment weekly at a video store yesterday. he was buying “the people that time forgot” and “war of the worlds” on dvd. he politely declined. the pushy saleswoman asked why and he told her it was because they trash an actor whose weblog he enjoys reading. so HA!

  21. good stuff wil! hdouble is one the money. it seems in no-fold’em hold’em, aggressive play and implied odds are the winning strategy. i wouldn’t fault the AK play in fact i think you’ll be leaving a considerable amount of money on the table in the future if you play the hand any differently next time. its hard to put folks like that on a hand. would you have played it differently if they’d had a set? probably not since the same conditions would exist, in fact, the set is easier to slowplay because its so strong.
    don’t worry man, next time jennifer’ll have a pair of 4s instead of the two pair and you’ll rake a big pot.

  24. helixx, and guys who look like helixx. Wil read her wrong (or rather, he read her right, and didn’t listen). Perhaps that’s a hazard of only playing with someone a short while, and being at the end of your cruising zone. I see it this way, he thought he was playing a tourist. That doesn’t mean a tourist always makes bad plays, or always has bad cards of course. Dianafer seems to have made an instinctively good play. Maybe it was blind luck, but whatever, she didn’t blow it. She didn’t make a *bad* move. Feel free to think I don’t know what I’m talking about (I probably don’t 🙂 ), but in this game, reading your opponent is key. It’s the number one consideration. The math comes next.
    Of course, we are only hearing this through Wil’s accounting. What I wouldn’t give to see what he saw.
    I know, (ok, wacky idea mode on)
    … Wil, wear a cam on your head and host a game with your friends. Make us a first person show of one of your games. BUT, write your account of it *before* you look at any footage. It would be cool to hear your version of what happened, and then see (and hear) it for ourselves.
    (wacky idea mode off)

  26. It’s ironic. Politics and acting are somewhat like oil and water. Yet so many use their popularity to become political commentators.
    Sci Fi channel was running a movie with Mr. Wheaton in it. When we discovered that he had a role in the film, he turned the channel citing that his politics had become a distraction when trying to watch his acting.
    After reading his extreme liberal views, and anti-conservative statements I found myself turning the channel as well when trying to watch Stand By Me.
    I feel as if I lost someone I once admired as an actor to Liberalism.

  27. I’ve said this before and I’ll say it again…I have absolutely no idea what you’re talking about, but I really enjoyed your passion for the game and your writing style, Wil. It still makes for an interesting read… : ) Thanks!!
    Take care,

  28. First time ever stopping to actually read yer blog after seeing it linked everyfriggingwhere.
    Glad i did.
    Loved the Vegas story..having just come back from 3 days there myself. I too try to plaster the imagery into my brain for later writing. I too make up stories about strangers.
    Nice writing.
    As arnie says…”I’ll be back…”

  29. I respect you all the more Wil for your ‘liberalism’. Good on ya!
    I’m not quite sure why some commenters here consider your views extreme. They are ‘extremely’ reasoned. That must be what he meant. 😉 I often watch movies eventhough the actors may have political views that are different from mine. Why? Because I believe that most people are shades of grey, and cannot be simply dismissed as liberal or conservative. Labels might be convenient, but they cannot accurately reflect any individual. And they are not a valid measure of a persons worth or merit.

  30. Great story, Wil! I always love your poker writing, and this was one of the best–you totally had me convinced this was going to be about a big win, so the loss and lesson really stood out. Hope we continue to get more of these.

  31. love your blog and loved you on star trek!!! Your a great actor! I miss seeing star trek I miss it alot and I don’t care to see reruns.

  34. Wil,
    That was a great story. You also didn’t walk out of there with nothing. It must be hard to know when it is time to walk away from the table.
    FG

  35. Now that I’ve sat through a game of poker with you, time for me to go out and win some, eh or I could wait 6 days for my 18th bday and then go play….Yea thats a better option. Thanks for a great story.

  36. awwww. i wish there was more story, wil.
    i guess i will take a cue from your story and be happy with what i’ve got and leave the table ahead instead of staying too long hoping for more when it just ain’t happenin’ at the moment.
    🙂 keep it up, wil. say hi to anne & the boys — later.

  37. Ahh Poker, what a deliciously seductive temptress. I play a regular house game myself, all Hold’Em, 20 dollar buy in, usually 7 players and someone always buys back in. Last Friday was quite the Tourney. Game lasted for 7 hours, bank was up to about 150$. It comes down to me and this lady, we go heads up for a couple of hands, and I can tell she hates going heads up. Then it happens, I flop a nut straight. I’m holding 4h-8h and the flop is 5c-6h-7h. As far as the odds go I’m feeling pretty good, straight on the flop, possible flush, possible straight flush! I’m think to myself, how much money can I get from this fish. The turn is Q-c, no help. The river is 2-d, missed that flush. Throughout all of this I have bet around 40$ I briefly thought about going all in, it worked for me before with this woman. But she was very quick to call throughout most of the hand and I hesitated. We turn em over, I show my straight to the 8, and what does she show!, straight to the 9, she had
    8s-9c and flopped the higher straight!!! So instead of possibly winning 150$, I won 5$, after 7 HOURS! God, if loving Poker is wrong then I don’t wanna be right!

  38. Okay, something doesn’t make sense here:
    “I wonder why this guy has decided to make me not just his opponent, but his enemy.”
    Now, you’ve told us you’ve been hearing Admiral Ackbar and Lando Calrissian all night, but when you thyink the above, you’re seriously telling me that Dr. Evazan *didn’t* pop into your head right then and say, “He doesn’t like you.”?

  39. Wil, darn good writing as usual. You rule man. Shoot I purchased Stardock Blog Navigator so I would have more excuse to keep up with your blog. I just wish I could write that well. Ah, well, there’s only one Wil. 🙂 To Chris who said Why no RSS feed? There is one, it’s linked on the bottom of the page.

  40. Good story, Wil. I don’t understand why you would be intimidated in Vegas if you have been playing at Commerce. Glad you got over it though.
    My question is on the A-9 hand that you lost. Do you think she would have folded if you raised on the turn with your top pair and nut flush draw.
    Even without the benefit of knowing what she had, I was yelling at the computer screen for you to raise. The other ace would have come along, but maybe the pair of 10’s with a lousy kicker would have finally come to her senses? I mean you have 9 outs to the flush, 3 nines (later to find out only 2) for two pair, and 2 Aces for 3 of a kind. So basically you are 2-1 to improve and your hand is probably good 50% of time unimproved.
    Make the draws pay. Good luck.

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