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50,000 Monkeys at 50,000 Typewriters Can't Be Wrong

and those bright lights

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Just after 9 Wednesday morning, we said goodbye to Felix The Bear. He left us peacefully and quietly, surrounded by his staff who love him.
It’s been a really sad and difficult few days for me and my family. I keep looking for The Bear in the usual places (not because I think he’s still alive, but out of habit) and when he’s not there, the tears come. I discovered yesterday that I have this totally illogical construct in my mind where I somehow hoped that we could trade the sick, sad, dying Felix for the healthy, tough, stumpy little Bear we used to know . . . but he’s never coming back, and he really is gone. This reality keeps hitting me with varying severity and no warning. I’m kind of a wreck right now. I really, really miss him.
I’ve got some Onion, Dungeon and ACME work to do and I’m not feeling particularly creative or inspired right now . . . so I need to put what little energy I have into fulfilling those commitments. I don’t think I’ll be posting here much for the next few days.

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1 April, 2005 Wil

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dash seven → ← let go

142 thoughts on “and those bright lights”

  1. Nutmegger says:
    1 April, 2005 at 9:23 am

    Made me cry again… much love to you guys. We’ll never forget The Bear.

  2. Lorraine says:
    1 April, 2005 at 9:28 am

    Wil and Family,
    I know you are devastated but always remember that you gave Felix the best life a cat can have. You’ll never forget him and you’ll always love him. I send my most heartfelt sympathy.

  3. Rodan says:
    1 April, 2005 at 9:29 am

    Hang in there, Wil (and family). The pain and loss will never completely go away, but over time you’ll remember mostly the good stuff, and it will become manageable.
    And keep plugging away at those articles and such. Work can sometimes be a good distraction in times like this.

  4. Kroeme says:
    1 April, 2005 at 9:30 am

    I find this sadder than any human death. I can’t imagine what it’d be like when my little baby dies. My heart and tears are with you. I know it’s of little consolation, but he’ll live always in your hearts and souls.
    Peace

  5. Rainfire says:
    1 April, 2005 at 9:40 am

    Wil,
    Sometimes work is the best distraction.
    I’m very sorry for the loss of your Bear.

  6. Bev Walton-Porter says:
    1 April, 2005 at 9:45 am

    I’m so sorry, Wil. Those hollow words aren’t nearly enough…mainly because there ARE no words enough right now. But please know my family and I are mourning with you all today.
    Rest in Peace, Felix.

  7. Thomas says:
    1 April, 2005 at 9:53 am

    Don’t be too sad, Wil. Felix is calm and at peace. You have all those great memories. Hell, you wouldn’t be sad if he hadn’t been such a great companion. You know as well as anyone that when you were sad, he’d come to be there comforting you, just as I’m sure his spirit is there with you now. He doesn’t want you to cry. Just remember him with love forever and you’ll honor the friend you family had the pleasure of being the employees of. (grin)

  8. Sean W says:
    1 April, 2005 at 9:55 am

    I know this probably does not help but you did the only thing you could do…and it happened to be the right thing too. I’m so sorry Wil. That was a tough one.

  9. Sparhawk says:
    1 April, 2005 at 9:56 am

    Wil, I’m really sorry to hear the news about Felix. I know you and your wife did all you could to keep him well. He left grateful for that, I’m sure.
    Luis

  10. tiggrrl says:
    1 April, 2005 at 9:58 am

    Wil, the saga of Felix has reminded me so much of my little Herbert. We found him on the streets, took him in, shaved off his dreads and got him used to home life. He was old when we got him, and only lived six months before he got kidney failure and we had to put him to sleep. He was our crank crochety old man, and we loved him. My heart goes out to you, Anne and the kids in your loss.

  11. Dave Westbay says:
    1 April, 2005 at 10:01 am

    Wil, please accept my heartfelt condolences, for you and your family. Find strength in each other and comfort in your fond memories of the time you had with Felix.
    We will be here when you are ready to blog again, and we are all sending you positive energy while you are taking care of your other responsibilities.
    Peace to you and yours.

  12. Madie says:
    1 April, 2005 at 10:02 am

    Sorry to hear about you cat. Hug the others.
    Madie

  13. Crissie says:
    1 April, 2005 at 10:02 am

    My most heartfelt sympathy to you and your family.
    =^..^=

  14. Will Campbell says:
    1 April, 2005 at 10:04 am

    Wil, I’m not a religious guy, but when I’ve had to let a pet go I’ve always found a level of peace in the belief that wherever the everafter might be, they’re there and free from all the pain and suffering that brought them down

  15. vanyelgh says:
    1 April, 2005 at 10:10 am

    Wil I am so sorry for your loss. Just know that we all love and care for you so take your time. Concentrate on the family and your other work, we will be here when you get back.

  16. leon says:
    1 April, 2005 at 10:14 am

    Dear Wil and Family,
    Wil, take some time off blogging and get your mind at eas. I know it hurts. If it is any comfort, i am hurting with you (as a cat owner) and cryed as most of all us here.
    Only thing i can and wil do is pray for you. I know The Bear is in good hands. I have a good friend in louisiana called Freeman. I know he is joining me in prayers even though you are not a religious person.
    Wil, you have some share off friends here.
    Here is one from the other side off the Atlantic (The Netherlands)
    Be good my friend…..

  17. doog says:
    1 April, 2005 at 10:14 am

    They -do- leave a hole when they leave. Grieve now, it will make the joy of a new kitten that much greater. The Light only balances the Dark. Let it be dark, dawn will come.

  18. Carol says:
    1 April, 2005 at 10:18 am

    Dear Wil, Anne, Nolan and Ryan,
    Please accept my sympathies. Having lost several beloved pets over the years, to accidents and disease, I know what you’re going through and my thoughts are with you.
    We’ll be here for you when you come back. Take care.

  19. watcher652 says:
    1 April, 2005 at 10:20 am

    Wil, I’m so sorry for your loss. Hug each member of your family and let their warmth comfort you. Look into their eyes and let their love energize you. Please take care of yourself.

  20. VoxyLady says:
    1 April, 2005 at 10:22 am

    Wil….
    I can remember reading somewhere that Heaven has a special place for our beloved animals when they are ready to go home. Felix passed from this life, knowing that you and Anne loved him and stayed with him until it was time for him to leave. By now, he has found his own safe place and keeping his eye on you. I can’t begin to tell you how my heart hurts for you and your family, especially Anne. As someone who had to take my kitty, Smokey, to be put to sleep the day after Christmas 1994, I can tell you that there will come a day when you will think of something funny or particularly cute Felix did, and you’ll find yourself smiling or even laughing at the memory. Give yourself time…you watch…you wait…you’ll see.
    Wendy and Jean-Luc =^..^=

  21. Kaytlyn LeBlanc says:
    1 April, 2005 at 10:23 am

    *offers you a non-obtrusive hug*

  22. Kaytlyn LeBlanc says:
    1 April, 2005 at 10:24 am

    *offers you a non-obtrusive hug*

  23. Anya says:
    1 April, 2005 at 10:25 am

    I’m so sorry for your loss.

  24. Ms.Z says:
    1 April, 2005 at 10:26 am

    Sorry for your loss, I’ve been there, the loss of a loved pet can be as hideous as the loss of a human. Hang in there.

  25. Dragontears says:
    1 April, 2005 at 10:28 am

    I’m sorry for your loss. Iknow how hard it is to lose a pet, it’s more like losing a member of the family.

  26. LolaGabanna says:
    1 April, 2005 at 10:28 am

    I’ve been thinking about you and your family. I know how hard it is to have to go through that. After my Algernon was put to sleep, I did the same thing you are… Just looking around, expecting him to be at the foot of my bed, or sleeping by the back door. Its hard when you realize he won’t be there anymore. I know its a cliche, and I’m sure you’ve heard it a million times, but at least Felix isn’t suffering now. He loves you for everything you did to try and make him better, and finally for setting him free (Woo… there’s that lump in my throat). Keep your chin up. Take all the time you need. We’ll be here when you get back. *huge hugs*

  27. JackW says:
    1 April, 2005 at 10:32 am

    *hugs and tears for you and you family*

  28. JackW says:
    1 April, 2005 at 10:33 am

    *hugs and tears for you and your family*

  29. GreatScott! says:
    1 April, 2005 at 10:36 am

    We’ve got a kitty of our own who’s advancing in age, but thankfully, he’s still quite well. Obviously, our thoughts are with you, Wil, during your time of grieving.

  30. Chuck says:
    1 April, 2005 at 10:41 am

    Wil, I kept missing my parents’ dog for months after he passed away. I sometimes even have dreams where I’m taking him hiking back when he was in his prime and able to run circles around me. So I can imagine how hard it is for you right now. I just try and remember that he’s not suffering or in pain anymore, and to keep my mind on the good times we had. That doesn’t make it easy, but it helps a little.

  31. Maggie says:
    1 April, 2005 at 10:53 am

    I’m so sorry Wil. It’s so difficult. I did the same thing as you with Sunny. Even a month later, I keep expecting to see him and I’m almost suprised when he’s not there. It’s hard to not see him racing around the house – and sleeping without him purring in my ear has been difficult too. There’s nothing anyone can say to make it better really, but time will help ease the pain a little bit. At least Felix isn’t hurting now – and I have to believe that there’s a place in the afterlife for our beloved pets. You guys really went above and beyond to keep him healthy and with a good quality of life for as long as you could. And that’s more than a lot people bother to do for their pets.

  32. Debbie says:
    1 April, 2005 at 11:08 am

    Unfortunatly grief is a lot like surfing. It comes in waves and you just have to ride each one out. It does get easier. Take all the time away from us you need. We will still be here when you come back.

  33. JoeBobATL says:
    1 April, 2005 at 11:10 am

    My thoughts are with your beloved Bear, Wil. I went through very much the same thing with one of our cats, Havoc, she being the brother to Chaos (significant if you know George R.R. Martin’s Tough Voyaging). She was around 12 years old by that time, and had become only a shadow of what she once was. But the look in her eyes said it all to me too. It’s been easier since her brother lives on – he’s healthy as a horse – and my wife brought her cat, Ned into our home less than a year after Havoc’s passing. Ned is like a brother to Chaos, so that helps him out as well. Time heals all – hang in there!

  34. Grimicus says:
    1 April, 2005 at 11:15 am

    I’m sorry Wil. Hugs to you all.

  35. sharon says:
    1 April, 2005 at 11:16 am

    Our IG Tazi died last June. I still half-expect to see him some of the time. Back then, those moments were sad and tear-inducing. Now it is a gift to feel him where he isn’t, knowing that his spirit still visits. My thoughts are with you all.

  36. ez_bake says:
    1 April, 2005 at 11:20 am

    Sorry, man.

  37. Boots McGee says:
    1 April, 2005 at 11:24 am

    We know exactly how you feel, Wil….and we’re so very sorry for your loss.
    Our Precious Boots McGee passed just last Monday of the exact same ailment…liver & kidney failure.
    I cry every time I get up in the middle of the night to go pee….’cause my little “Escort Buddy” is not there to see me back to bed…snuggle me with his soft gray head on my pillow and kiss/lick my lips goodnight!!
    I feel like I’ll never get over his loss….he was a very special cat….he me gave a “high five” paw every time I asked him to….he waved hello & goodbye, gave out kisses if he felt like it, and often took showers with my husband!
    He was my best friend.
    We hope you and your family will be able to cope with the tremendous loss of your friend.
    Christy & Joe Mathers
    Phoenix, AZ

  38. Chris Radcliff says:
    1 April, 2005 at 11:26 am

    Wil and family,
    So sorry about Felix. You’re in our thoughts. Take the time you need to recover; we’ll be here when you get back.
    ~chris and the Radcliff family

  39. TheSingah says:
    1 April, 2005 at 11:31 am

    Wil and family,
    I understand your pain. Just mourn the loss in whatever way seems right for you. It takes as much time as it takes…no set “appropriate” limit or way to grieve. Your tribute to Felix inspired me to write one for my furry little ones in my mini-blog. Thanks for that. I am indebted.

  40. Clay says:
    1 April, 2005 at 11:33 am

    Wil, you’re not obligated to tell us WHY you’re not posting. Just do what you need to do for you, because after all, this whole site is about YOU and for YOU.
    So go be you.

  41. Sarah K. says:
    1 April, 2005 at 11:45 am

    Wil,
    I’m sorry for your loss. You’ll be in our thoughts… We are all here for you.

  42. Jeff says:
    1 April, 2005 at 11:54 am

    Wil and Family,
    I am so sorry for your loss. But take comfort in knowing that “time heals all wounds” and that Felix will always be a part of you.

  43. Randi says:
    1 April, 2005 at 12:01 pm

    Will i know what it is like. However if i could suggest a pet to somewhat fill the gaps left by the loss, a ferrett. And know not all of them stink, i have one named Loki and i truely wouldnt be as happy as i am today with out him adding to my life. There are many misconceptions about ferretts no not all them bite. Like any animal they will mimic there masters and grow from there, if they are caged up all the time shown no love and only taken out as a means to entertain guest. Then sure they will be mean bastards, however if you set down the rules on what they can and cant do early with out constant changing of the mind (so not to confuse them). they are great pets. Basically a mixture between a cat and a dog. Loki really doesnt mind any other animal as long as they stay away from his food and water dish. They love venturing outside and unlike most ferrets that steal shiny stuff, mine has a nack for plastic (ie plastic bags of all shapes and sizes and any backpack.)We constantly play tag, i will buck up to him and he will hop back then run under something leaving only his head (and sometimes his tail, so intise you only to snag you when you try to grab it.) then i will run off and he will catch me and then run off. He was raised around cats so he acts like one sometimes. And if they are descented they do not stink, they will if you dont bath them regularly, but isnt that how dogs are too. well hope you can fill they void, even if you dont get another animal.

  44. Randi says:
    1 April, 2005 at 12:02 pm

    Will i know what it is like. However if i could suggest a pet to somewhat fill the gaps left by the loss, a ferrett. And know not all of them stink, i have one named Loki and i truely wouldnt be as happy as i am today with out him adding to my life. There are many misconceptions about ferretts no not all them bite. Like any animal they will mimic there masters and grow from there, if they are caged up all the time shown no love and only taken out as a means to entertain guest. Then sure they will be mean bastards, however if you set down the rules on what they can and cant do early with out constant changing of the mind (so not to confuse them). they are great pets. Basically a mixture between a cat and a dog. Loki really doesnt mind any other animal as long as they stay away from his food and water dish. They love venturing outside and unlike most ferrets that steal shiny stuff, mine has a nack for plastic (ie plastic bags of all shapes and sizes and any backpack.)We constantly play tag, i will buck up to him and he will hop back then run under something leaving only his head (and sometimes his tail, so intise you only to snag you when you try to grab it.) then i will run off and he will catch me and then run off. He was raised around cats so he acts like one sometimes. And if they are descented they do not stink, they will if you dont bath them regularly, but isnt that how dogs are too. well hope you can fill they void, even if you dont get another animal.

  45. Randi says:
    1 April, 2005 at 12:03 pm

    sorry the pcu was having problems

  46. Jenny says:
    1 April, 2005 at 12:37 pm

    My deapest sympathy to you and yours.
    I’m sending positive mojo your way.
    Take as much time as you need – you know we’ll all be here when you get back! =)

  47. RockBear says:
    1 April, 2005 at 12:41 pm

    When I was six and my sister one, our family got a dog. A lovely, friendly, playful golden retriever named Tanja.
    When you see her as a puppy you never really think about her having to leave some day far too soon. It is as they say, parents should never have to bury their children, and Tanja was a daughter and a sister to me.
    All the way through ground school (classes K through 9 here in Denmark) and part of high school (classes 10 through 13) she was there every day when I returned from school, happy to see me, ready to play or, on the days when I was sad or tired, content to be a pillow on which I rested my head.
    When she had lived her allotted ten or eleven years, she got cancer in the digestive system and even though an operation helped somewhat, in the end it became clear that this was the end. We never really talked about it, but after she had been standing in her basket for several days, clearly in pain, gasping for air, my father and I took her on that final drive to the vet, hoping for a miracle, knowing that miracle was unlikely to come.
    And thus, Tanja ended her life on a steel table, surrounded by her formal master and the boy who loved her and managed to get through the pains of a geek’s ground school education with her by his side.
    About 16 years have passed – I do no longer remember the exact dates – and I never cried for my loss. I guess I managed to put it away in the “That’s just how things go”-box deep inside me. But your loss and your honest description of your sorrow in losing a loved pet, inspired me to write the above. The box opened, and the tears just won’t stop coming.
    They are sad tears, mourning the loss of my first true love, but they are also happy tears, remembering all the happy, sad, beautiful and ugly things I lived throught with her by my side.
    Thank you, Wil, for sharing your life and thus enabling me to deal with things I thought dealt with long ago.
    My deep condolences to you and your family in this hard time.

  48. Artemis Jade Wetzel says:
    1 April, 2005 at 12:47 pm

    Wil,
    I am sorry for your loss, it is hell losing a family member. When we get a pet, I do not think we really realize how much of an impact, or how attached we become to them. Next to children, they are one of gods finest creations! You and your family will be in my heartfelt thoughts. Rest a while Wil, gather your strength, and start anew. We are a very patient posse. Much love to you and yous Wil.
    Artemis
    P.S.
    You Wil, are like The Bear, you have made such an impact on us, that we are loyal, loving, and attached to you. You give us saddness, and joy, and stories from the heart, for that I thank you. You are the readers BEAR! Thank you Wil!

  49. Artemis Jade Wetzel says:
    1 April, 2005 at 12:52 pm

    Bear,
    From this life to the next, may your soul be at rest. We love, and miss you big guy!
    Artemis

  50. misterorange says:
    1 April, 2005 at 12:52 pm

    For some reason I thought the phrase “Surrounded by his staff” was hilarous. I laughed.
    Trade-in? Reminds me a fantastic Orson Scott Card short story called “Fat Farm” from Maps in the Mirror, a collection of his short stories. By far one of my favorite short stories ever (my favorite: Beggars in Spain, google it). I think you’d really like it.

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