I like to think that I’m a pretty competent parent. I don’t try to be my stepkids’ buddy. I have raised them to be kind, compassionate, and honest, and I’ve impressed upon them the importance of living an honorable life. I’ve tried my very best to help them understand that education = opportunity, and always encouraged them to be the very best Ryan and Nolan they can be. For ten years, Anne and I have raised the kids with natural and logical consequences (good and bad) for their choices, and I’ve always loved them unconditionally. Along the way, it’s been incredibly fun, the hardest thing I’ve ever done, a completely frustrating and thankless task, and the most wonderful and rewarding thing I’ve ever done in my life. I have a fantastic relationship with both of the boys, and when I occasionally catch little flashes of my influence in their behavior, it’s all worth it.
But I still screw up from time to time, and last night I pulled a parental Bill Buckner.
I sat on the couch with Ryan and Nolan, and watched the two-hour finale of CSI. It was an intense and creepy episode, and by the last ten minutes of the second episode, we were all on the edge of our seats.
After a particularly tense and disgusting moment featuring fire ants, Nolan said, “Why don’t we have CSI on DVD?”
“Because it’s on TV fifteen times a day!” I said.
We went back to watching the show. After a minute or so, my parental sixth sense told me that Nolan had a dark little cloud over his head.
I replayed the last few moments, and immediately knew that it was my fault.
When Nolan said, “Why don’t we have CSI on DVD?” what he meant was, “Man! This is so cool! I love this show, and I love that we sit down and watch it together every week!”
And when I said, “Because it’s on TV fifteen times a day!” what he heard was, “I don’t care.”
I felt really bad, and after the show was over, I called him into the kitchen and told him how sorry I was.
“I wasn’t trying to put you down, or make you feel bad,” I said, “I just think it’s funny that CSI is on TV so much, is all.”
“Wil, it’s only on twice a day,” he said.
“Really? I thought it was on more.”
“Nope, just twice a day on Spike.”
“Oh. Well, that’s not the point, really. I feel like I hurt your feelings, and I wanted to apologize.”
“Okay.” He said.
He hugged me, I hugged him back, and he walked out into the dining room.
I stood alone in the kitchen and wondered if I’d made it better or worse. I couldn’t tell, which is pretty common with two teenagers. A few seconds passed, and Nolan poked his head into the doorway.
“Wil?”
“Yeah?”
“I love you.”
“I love you too, Nolan.”
Well, I guess I did okay this time.
As a post-script, if I may be so bold as to offer unsolicited advice to all you parents out there: I have found that it’s important to respect and be aware of your children’s feelings, and never minimize or invalidate them. I have also found that it’s even more important to be aware of how your actions impact your children, and when you screw up, it’s best to take responsibility and apologize. Your child will see that you’re not perfect, that you’re not afraid to admit that you’re not perfect, and will learn firsthand the importance of respecting other people’s feelings.