I like to think that I’m a pretty competent parent. I don’t try to be my stepkids’ buddy. I have raised them to be kind, compassionate, and honest, and I’ve impressed upon them the importance of living an honorable life. I’ve tried my very best to help them understand that education = opportunity, and always encouraged them to be the very best Ryan and Nolan they can be. For ten years, Anne and I have raised the kids with natural and logical consequences (good and bad) for their choices, and I’ve always loved them unconditionally. Along the way, it’s been incredibly fun, the hardest thing I’ve ever done, a completely frustrating and thankless task, and the most wonderful and rewarding thing I’ve ever done in my life. I have a fantastic relationship with both of the boys, and when I occasionally catch little flashes of my influence in their behavior, it’s all worth it.
But I still screw up from time to time, and last night I pulled a parental Bill Buckner.
I sat on the couch with Ryan and Nolan, and watched the two-hour finale of CSI. It was an intense and creepy episode, and by the last ten minutes of the second episode, we were all on the edge of our seats.
After a particularly tense and disgusting moment featuring fire ants, Nolan said, “Why don’t we have CSI on DVD?”
“Because it’s on TV fifteen times a day!” I said.
We went back to watching the show. After a minute or so, my parental sixth sense told me that Nolan had a dark little cloud over his head.
I replayed the last few moments, and immediately knew that it was my fault.
When Nolan said, “Why don’t we have CSI on DVD?” what he meant was, “Man! This is so cool! I love this show, and I love that we sit down and watch it together every week!”
And when I said, “Because it’s on TV fifteen times a day!” what he heard was, “I don’t care.”
I felt really bad, and after the show was over, I called him into the kitchen and told him how sorry I was.
“I wasn’t trying to put you down, or make you feel bad,” I said, “I just think it’s funny that CSI is on TV so much, is all.”
“Wil, it’s only on twice a day,” he said.
“Really? I thought it was on more.”
“Nope, just twice a day on Spike.”
“Oh. Well, that’s not the point, really. I feel like I hurt your feelings, and I wanted to apologize.”
“Okay.” He said.
He hugged me, I hugged him back, and he walked out into the dining room.
I stood alone in the kitchen and wondered if I’d made it better or worse. I couldn’t tell, which is pretty common with two teenagers. A few seconds passed, and Nolan poked his head into the doorway.
“Wil?”
“Yeah?”
“I love you.”
“I love you too, Nolan.”
Well, I guess I did okay this time.
As a post-script, if I may be so bold as to offer unsolicited advice to all you parents out there: I have found that it’s important to respect and be aware of your children’s feelings, and never minimize or invalidate them. I have also found that it’s even more important to be aware of how your actions impact your children, and when you screw up, it’s best to take responsibility and apologize. Your child will see that you’re not perfect, that you’re not afraid to admit that you’re not perfect, and will learn firsthand the importance of respecting other people’s feelings.
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That’s cool Wil. I think I may end up having similar problems when my son gets to that age. I tend towards cynicism and pessimism and it’s gonna be hard for me not to let that rub off.
I’m amazed at how many parents assume the role of dictator and it never strikes them as an odd position to be in within a family.
My children are my greatest joy. When I screw up, as we all do, I hope that they learn from me that admitting one made a mistake is part of what makes us become truly mature. Several times in the last month, when I have done or said things in an irritable emotional manner, my teenager, who could have responded in kind, instead responded with remarkable kindness. I credit his father, my very best friend, for demonstrating that there are options in responses — and that the times you might most need to be loved, is when you are the least lovable. It is remarkable, Wil, and it is why I drop by every day to read your blog, that you so often strike to the heart.
That was incredible parenting intuition that you REALIZED that your communication had been mis-interpreted. Your follow-through to fix it was worth this month’s “dad of the month” award.
I tend to believe it is because you view them as “people” and not “children” and gear your communications accordingly — that is, with respect. If you were around when they were little (I don’t recall seeing that info) then you probably didn’t talk “baby talk” to them either, figuring that whether they understood it or not, they would “eventually” and it was better to speak to them as human than as “gurgle bots.”
I am quite frightened of the “you must listen to me and obey me and take my word as gospel” crowd that believes that “children are to be seen and not heard” and who never speaks to their children if it isn’t in the form of a command.
I won’t put any label on who those people are — you can probably figure it out by watching them in public and then looking at their bumper stickers. You won’t find a “Question Authority” sticker among them, but you’ll find plenty of fish and W’s.
Funny how that works. My personal opinion is that having an excessively strong belief in religion requires a suspension of analytical thought (i.e. faith in place of reason) and leads to mental decay. I’m with Karl on this one; a little opium is a good thing, but too much and you won’t function properly.
Charlie L
Portland, Oregon
[email protected]
The Days of Decision are coming: We are frogs begin slow-cooked, and by the time we realize the water is boiling, we won’t have the strength to jump out of the pot. Keep an eye out for your “jumping moment” and we’ll all jump together. FROG FREEDOM!!!
The Republicans in power have lied and innocent people died.
The Republicans in power have stolen and given to their rich friends, leaving just an IOU for our kids to pay off.
The Republicans in power have cheated and claim they are the “moral” ones.
We must flush all Republicans out of power in ’06 and ’08.
Take back American Democracy. Don’t vote Republican.
A very cool story, and some excellent advice. Thanks Wil.
My husband and I go around and around with how to raise our daughter. He gets inexplicably angry whenever I apologize to our daughter for something I did that hurt her. “Don’t apologize to her!” My response? “I would apologize to you for the same thing. Why shouldn’t I apologize to her?”
Of course, she’s only 3. I have no idea what I’ll do when she’s a teenager.
You know… I think I’m going to have bracelets made that say “WWWD?” (as in “What Would Willie Do?”).
I love my dad and have a lot of respect for him, and I’m pretty sure those two will say the same about you in the future. =)
Pax,
Matthew
Very well done. Children are just little people, not a different species. They are just as deserving of respect as are adults.
Being a parent is quite the challenge, isn’t it?
What he said.
Your children will treat other people like you treat them, because that’s their model of human-human interaction. If you treat them with authority, they’ll try to exert autority over others. With respect, likewise, and so on.
No offense Wil, BUT there was a time when ST TNG was on 17 times a time in Spanish with Swedish Subtitles. I’m just sayin’. Have a good weekend and enjoy the weather.
[email protected]
Wil,
I am a regular reader of your site and am a geek as well. I usually just lurk and enjoy.
This post was one of the best I have read of yours and I just wanted to say “thanks” for sharing the story with us. I have a 5 year old daughter and often wonder if I am being the best parent I can be while trying to make her the best young adult she can be.
Your post makes one think and be more considerate.
-Rob Bazinet
God Bless You Wil Wheaton, people like you make the world a better place – one child at a time. Thanks for -doing- it and -writing- about it.
I double that “God Bless You!” Humm…what a life children would have, what opportunities, if they all had fathers like you who cared. BEST ALWATS WIL!
-Q
Wil:
Relax. If that was the “Bill Buckner” of your parenting career, then I’d say you’re doing pretty damn well.
On a side note, you have reminded me of that image indellibely burned into my fragile juvenile mind back in 1986. I remember it photographically, right down to the pattern on the couch cover. I grew up right outside Boston, and boy was that a bad day.
Bill Buckner’s family lived in the next town over and got run out of town. His kids got tortured for the brief period that they remained in school there.
“Wil, it’s only on twice a day,” he said.
So do your children actually address you by your first name? Not that I’m trying to imply there’s anything wrong with that, by any means; I’m just curious–I’ve seen that in fiction a lot but don’t know of any family in which that’s true in real life.
When I’m reincarnated, Wil, I want to come back as one of your kids.
Dude, this is the trickiest part of parenting and the bit I find the hardest. When you are tired or engrossed in something it is so easy to make a throw away remark that a) destroys your childs self-worth momentarily and b) an adult would never think twice about. I often replay uncomfortable moments with Emma, and instantly regret them. I hope I have the humility to remember your advice the next time I do this.
You’re a kick-ass parent, Wil. Nolan and Ryan are lucky. Everyone should be as fortunate to have a dad like you.
Alun: They call him “Wil” because they’re his step-sons, although you wouldn’t know it with all that mutual love and respect. It’s as if those kids were born to be Wil’s but someone else’s sperm beat his to it.
I wish my mom had been that observant. I cross my fingers that I will be, assuming I ever spawn kidlings.
I’m impressed.
I think that the fact you REALIZED that you had a parenting brain-fart, and admitted that you were wrong, shows that you are a model step-dad. The effort and intention are there. The luv is there. Bravo!!! Those kids are lucky!
I think you’re right on with the parenting psychology there. My wife and I are raising our three kids the same way, and I believe it’s a mistake to see an apology as weakness. It takes guts to apologize and what they end up seeing is that, “Daddy’s not scared to apologize. My daddy’s the strongest daddy in the world. I want to be like my daddy.”
They get a chance to respect you because you hang your ass over the fire every day. Hey look at that! Nyahnyahnyah you can’t burn my fanny, nyahnyahnyah.
“My daddy’s kinda weird, though.”
Maybe you get that too?
Wil, that’s not just good advice for parenting — that’s good advice for interactions with anyone.
Can you adopt me, please?
It’s not just good advice, Wil… it’s therapeutic to hear that. My mother could learn a lot from you.
Thanks for posting this. It’s entries like that that make reading your blog so wonderful. You are able to put into words the feelings we all have so eloquently. I wish more parents were as caring as you, the world would be a much better place.
Exactly. Teaching kids how to gracefully be ‘wrong’ is one of the most valuable lessons parents can give. Being willing to do it yourself is the most effective way to do that.
We all grow up hearing “nobody’s perfect,” but it’s so much more meaningful to live it rather than say it. This may be a current under what you did that you may not have noticed, but it’s something that occurred to me when my husband and I were talking about this same idea one night (that it is not only ok, but important to admit to the kids when you have screwed up with them.)
Way to read the subtext, Wil. Well done.
Damn good catch Wil.
I too am a stepparent to a teenage boy and an about to be teenage boy. It is by far the most difficult thing I have done. Unfortunately, I have only been in their lives for a little over 4 years now and I just don
That was a wonderful thing to share with everyone.
And I agree with Dana above, this kind of advice and self-awareness is so important in our dealings with everyone.
Shit Wil, I wish you’d been my dad when I was a teenager.
Except that when I was a teenager, I thought you were a hottie. Which would have made things awkward O_o
I actually had an audible ‘aw’ when I read that (and not in a sarcastic way) and my husband said ‘What?’ I said ‘He had a …(searching for the right words) parental moment.’
‘A moment? Who’s that? Wheaton?’
It’s like he knows when I’m reading your blog đŸ˜› I told him the story and he ‘aw’d’ too (not in an entirely sarcastic way-what can I say, he’s a parent also but not a regular reader of your blog) Anyway, just wanted to say just like everyone who always beats me to commenting that it was cool you caught it and did something about it. There is a disappointing lack of responsibility in society today and it’s nice to see the next generation being raised right, in some cases anyway. I hope that your sick doesn’t finish its journey into your chest đŸ™‚
oh, and to the person who asked about the kids calling you by your first name…granted it may not seem like it’s the ‘norm’ but I never called any of my 3 step-parents mom or dad and my parents have been divorced since I was 4.
Thank you, thank you for your perspective. My son just turned a year old, and it seems like I’m constantly trying to look ahead to the future, trying to figure out how I’m going to manage to balance respect for his inherent humanity and individual personhood with Doing What’s Best For Him.
PS. I was very disappointed when I found you couldn’t make it to EnigmaCon next weekend!
I’m so glad you have such a good relationship with your boys. I hear so many people talk about what terrible relationships they have with their teen age sons. I have 3 sons, 11, 16 and 18 and I’m happy to say I have a great relationship with all of them. They’re not perfect and neither am I. We have our moments. If we didn’t, we’d live in Stepford (the original, not the new one), but we talk. I’ve never talked down to them. I ask them how they’re doing and they tell me. Some of the best times I can remeber have been when they’d get home from school and we’d just sit around the kitchen and talk about everything from things that happened that day, to video games and movies. And I agree with you – when I screw up and I know it, I tell them and apologize. They give me the same respect. It is possible to have teen age sons and like them. I’m glad you know that too. đŸ™‚
Ali
…I wish my dad were as cool as you. If you ever feel like you’re screwing up, you can remind yourself that at least you don’t make a practice of being intentionally cruel and nasty to your children to bolster your own self-esteem.
My dad got pissed at me today for asking him to put his coffee mug in the dishwasher instead of leaving it around the kitchen (it’s my responsibility to clean the kitchen), and called me a “sack of shit,” so even on your worst day, at least you’re not him.
Wil,
Translating comments like that is very impressive, something not everyone can do. I don’t actually have kids at all, but I am guessing that that ability comes from really knowing someone and even then not everyone can do it. But even more impressive is that when you make a mistake, you admit it and take responsibility for it, can’t help but respect anyone who does that.
-medge
As a future parent, thank you for imparting some of your wisdom. đŸ™‚
Wil… this entry hit me pretty hard. While i love my dad to death, that was always one of our big issues. I could never make him understand that the things he would say (things like what you said the other evening, truly hurt me. I was so floored… in a few minutes you hit the nail on the head: what you said had invalidated and hurt his feelings. just a few minutes! Obviously my dads and my relationship is one still in progress, and i have great hope for even more understanding in the future. But, i think it is so fantastic that you are so in tune with you kids now, while they are this age. no worries Wil, you’re doing awesomely.
Good job, Wil. Great story and great advice. You’re obviously a terrific dad, and Nolan and Ryan are as lucky as you are!
you recovered the situation in the best way possible…now NOLAN has a special WIL moment…the moment you were human and made a mistake…and then apologized for it…it was an unexpected apology…for what might have seemed an un-important errant comment…but in that one moment you gave him more than you can possibly know…this is a moment NOLAN will remember…and someday when he has kids…he’s gonna pass it along.
Wil, you are a wise man and a good parent. I admire you.
When you are there in the auditorium with Anne attending Nolan and Ryan’s graduation.
When you are there for when they go into college.
And when you are there as they raise families of their own and make you a proud grandparent.
THAT is when it will all be worth it. You will have come full circle.
They might not be yours, but you are doing an outstanding job of raising them as if they really were your own.
Oh yeah, I watched that CSI season finale – MAN that WAS creepy, first seeing the poor lab tech being buried alive, THEN seeing the fire ants crawling. And the whole live webcam. Very well written finale for CSI.
I’ll tell you a show I like. “Law & Order” *plays an MP3 of THAT SOUND*
For 15 years, I had never before seen an episode of “Law & Order” before. Then one night at work while everyone else was playing cards in between answering the phones, I had the TV on “Law & Order SVU” on USA because there wasn’t anything else on to watch. So I watched. And I discovered it’s a damn good show!
With as many spinoffs to “Law & Order” that there are, why not have one called “Law & Order: Computer Crimes Task Force” – about a special division of detectives that handle internet crimes, identity theft, hackers, internet pedophiles, nigerian e-mail scammers, and so on.
I think it’d be a cool spinoff. How about it, Wil?
“In the world of cyberspace, the people are represented by a special division of the NYPD, the Computer Crimes Task Force. These are their stories.” (insert “Law & Order” sound here)
I stand in awe of your mad parenting skillz, Wil. I think that your parenting advice is sage and sound. I read what you posted to my husband, and he was thoughtful for a moment, then he just hmmm’ed. His father was not so understanding when he was a teen. My father (more like sperm donor) is just beastly. Nolan and Ryan are lucky to have you in their lives. I hope that I can be as understanding of my son as you are of yours. *he’s 9 months old*
Good job, Wil. đŸ™‚
wil,
i don’t know what it is about this culture where fathers think it’s better to be totally insensitive brickheads towards their children, but i’m glad that you don’t fall for that crap! my own father could learn from alot from you. đŸ˜‰
WELL, I have just discovered this blog…AND I am rediculously excited.
Creepy yucky eating ant episode, but I only got to see the end…AND…good job on the fix with the kid.
This is what brings people to your website. You show how much you love your family and people in general. Can’t get much better than that. The best to you and your family!!
parents and children that say “i love you” to one another. it should happen more often, but being honest, showing deep feelings to one another in such an “unfair” relationship, just seems to be not-done over here. i’d feel incredibly vulnerable if i said “i love you” to my mom out of the blue. and that feeling is mutual.
i’m glad that you try and be so aware of the feelings of your step-children. especially in their teens it’s something they really need, always have someone they can rely on. and not just be aware, but express it too. that’s great Wil.
take care!
Wil, I’ll be the first to say that I don’t always agree with everything you post. This one however brought about a “here here” and almost got you some applause. đŸ˜‰ Kids are very important, and I think it’s great that you are being that considerate to their feelings. I think that so many people just think that kids will get over anything. The truth is that everything you say or do effects them in some way. I have to constantly remind myself of that when I’m dealing with my two daughters. Good for you!
Wow… I wish my own dad had been half the father you are. Rock on, Wil. :o)
Wil,
There aren’t many parents who realize it when they screw up, and of those that do, most aren’t able to admit it.
Thanks for your humility and empathy.
You rock.
This was classic. What makes it really, really funny is that if it were any other family it could have easily been a conversation about Star Trek, and the answers would have been pretty much the same.
You’re a great Dad.
that made me feel good.
we should all be more aware of how we react to everyday moments, saying sorry for the little things we stumble over (even though humans make mistakes) well, it makes all the difference in the world.
hurray for wil.
Am I alone in thinking the over-indulged little monster was merely hankering after an early Christmas present? Adults tend to forget what manipulitative, self-centred, materialistic little sh*ts children are.
The correct response to ‘Why don’t we have this on DVD?’, is forcing them to undertake a six week education project called ‘Living in Dickensian London’ which should include 12 hours a day physical labour in a candle factory, regular beatings and food and hygeine conditions that at the end of the period will have caused them to have developed rickets, scurvy and if God is kind polio. I bet the little sods would never grumble about having enough stuff again.
Another patented method for a well behaved child is at birth buy them a menagerie of animals. Each time the child misbehaves you slaughter one of the animals, toss the carcass at the child and scream ‘Now look what you’ve made me do. He’s never coming back and it’s all your fault!’ Your child will never mutter a word out of turn.
I have a good relationship with my parents, but one of the big beefs I had with them as a kid was that they were never ever wrong in their own eyes – they could never acknoweldge a mistake. I remember so many times as kids/teenagers my siblings and I would mutter to ourselves, “Even when they’re blatantly wrong, they still have to be right”. Anyways, I admire how you’re able to communicate with your own kids that way Wil; admitting mistakes is a surprisingly hard thing for a lot of people to do.