So this weird thing happened two or three weeks ago: in the middle of the night, some aliens or MIBs or something snuck into my house while we were asleep, and they replaced my sweet, reasonable children with Teenagers.
Overnight, I went from pretty cool to really annoying, and questions that were usually answered with phrases like, “Okay,” or “I’ll do it in just a minute,” or “Yes,” were suddenly met with “Whatever.” or “GOD!” or my personal favorite, stony silence with the rolling eyes and exasperated sigh.
It’s so weird, man. And the thing is, my doors were all locked, and my windows were all closed . . . so my theory is that the Aliens or MIBs or whatever don’t actually enter the house. Instead, they use some sort of parabolic mirror to direct a tractor beam through the walls, which we can’t see or hear, and they pull the old switcheroo from orbit. I have no idea what they do with the sweet, reasonable pre-teens they take away, though. The current operating theory is that they need their youthful exuberance for fuel or something, but it’s just a theory.
I called my mom, and told her how things had suddenly gotten really challenging as a parent, and you know what she did? She put her hand over the phone, and shouted to my dad, “Finally! It’s Payback, Rick!” I’m pretty sure I heard my dad shout out something like, “Woo!” or “Yeehaw!” from another room . . .
Anyway, I’m taking a crash course in parenting teenagers, which is fundamentally different from parenting pre-teens. It’s not even like switching from vi to emacs . . . it’s more like switching vi to emacs and someone re-assigned your keyboard and changed the language and now the damn thing reboots randomly and though occasionally it makes sense, most of the time you’re so goddamned confused you wonder why you bought a fucking computer in the first place. The weirdest thing is how suddenly the pod-people arrived. It really did happen overnight (or maybe in the span of two days, but not longer than that.)
A couple of things I’ve learned, that I offer up, free of charge, to anyone parenting a teenager, or about to parent a teenager:
- When we say, “no,” what they hear is, “ask me again in a slightly different way in about ten minutes, and act like it’s the first time you’ve asked me. Or you could go ask your mom, and pretend that we haven’t talked. The most important thing is, you must act as if we haven’t had this conversation, and keep asking me until you get whatever it is you want.”
- No matter what we as parents do, we are so unreasonable.
- No matter what my parents say, I was never this irrational when I was a teenager.
- Whatever it is they want to do, all their friends get to do it, with their parents’ blessing.
- Music is better when it’s so loud the bass distorts. (Yes, I realize the irony of my “If it’s too loud, you’re too old” T-shirt from 11th grade.)
- Even though they may act like they totally hate us, they still love us. It’s just that their brains are all fucked up right now, and they need our help to figure out what the hell is going on (but won’t admit it, and don’t know how to ask for it).
Interesting note: for a few reasons that are nobody’s business, Anne and I limited TV and withdrew the video games recently, and once the storming around and exasperated sighing (which, I’ve learned, is the base currency of all teenage communication) ended, the first thing the kids did was ask if they could get my D&D books out of my office and play with their friends. So Ryan is learning how to DM, and Nolan is making a Drow (He is a huge fan of Drizzt Do’Urden and the Forgotten Realms). While they were in my office, Nolan pulled out all my old DiscWars sets, and has been teaching all his friends how to play it (and extracting promises from me to play with him as soon as I get a chance to re-learn the rules.)
So there’s this interesting-and-cool thing happening: naturally, because they’re teens, they’re pulling away a little bit, figuring out who they are, and pushing against Anne and me as we define their age-appropriate limits, so a lot of the things we used to do together are so lame now . . . except for nerdy gaming. They LOVE the nerdy gaming, and it has become a conduit for me to communicate with them, as well as remain a part of their life. Ryan even told me the other day, “I want to start a club at school that’s for nerds to do nerdy stuff, but I want to have, like, Masonic Degrees for nerds.”
“What degree are you?” I said.
“I don’t know,” he said, “But you are a 33rd degree nerd.”
I didn’t ask him if there was a secret handshake, because I didn’t want to be so lame.
On the alt.country binge: I bought two from the Asylum Street Spankers, who remind me of Squirrel Nut Zippers, but bawdier, and Joe Henry‘s Trampoline
To bring this back full circle(-ish): In all honesty, the kids are mostly good and still enjoyable, and I know better than to take the normal teenage behavior personally. Learning how to deal with them as teens has been very helpful for me and Anne . . . but my family (and raising kids who will become productive and respectable members of society) is more important to me than anything else in the world, so contributions to my blog will probably slow down for the very near future while I master this new set of skills I’m picking up . . . though Shane recently threw down a gauntlet at me, e-mail-style, that may result in a giant pile of writing over the next few weeks.
Or not.
Stay tuned, if that’s your thing.
Editorial note: Please, please, please see the humor in this entry. My life isn’t falling apart, everything is really fine at home, and my relationship with my stepkids isn’t faltering or in danger or anything like that. Thanks.
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Condolences on the sudden appearance of teenagers in your home, Wil. You’ll get through it, as unlikely as it appears right now.
But what I really wanted to comment on was your recent purchase of Asylum Street Spankers recordings. Which ones did you get? The Spankers are one of the very, very best things about living in Austin.
At least they are going down the correct geeky path!
I’m 19, so you could say that I’m right now moving out of this phase. All I can say is that the worst thing you can do is treat them like their brains are messed up right now. Yes, a lot of it is hormones, but a lot of it is them realizing that they’re growing up, they have opinions that actually matter, yet they feel like they’re stuck living in a house with people who have the opinions that REALLY matter. And they’re helpless to do anything about it.
I’m not saying that you should obey their every demand, but understand how frustrating it is for them to be always treated like there’s something wrong with them as soon as they disagree with you.
Cause that sucks.
You’ve hit upon a big part of the challenge, Shky: because we’re parents, part of our job is to make sure our kids don’t get into any serious danger, but we also have to allow them to make their own decisions and enjoy the consequences (both good and bad) for the choices they make. Just because they think they’re ready for some new freedom or responsibility, doesn’t mean that they are . . . and the ensuing discussions can be really tough.
Luckily for me, my stepkids are extremely intelligent, and they still listen to reason, mostly.
My oldest is only 8 (in two weeks) and he’s a very bright child. My wife and I have already noticed a certain impatience and brusqueness that was not there at the beginning of the summer. His reply to most things is ‘I KNOW!!!’ with the customary eyeroll (WHERE do they learn that?). My wife and I keep hoping we’ll have 6 more years before the podpeople fully arrive. B/c he has EXACTLY my personality, I fear a particularly angry podperson is in my future.
Good luck, Wil.
I’m 23, and a lot of the time I feel like I only just stopped being a teenager, or a kid for that matter, since my parents kept a fairly strict rein on us kids. I still get pretty excited at getting to do grown-up things: “hey, I can do this by myself now!” “I don’t have to ask anyone’s permission!” I wasn’t ever one of those kids who outright rebelled against their parents, though I did have my moments, but I’d agree with Shky: the last thing a teen wants is to be treated like s/he isn’t mature enough to think things through and deal with things in an adult way. Sure, a lot of the time, they can’t, but the important thing is they think they can. And how would they know otherwise? We all have such limited perspective on the world when we’re young. I know I still do, though I’m lots smarter about things than I was when I was 16. They feel like they’ve grown up a lot, and that’s probably true. So treat them as the grown-ups they think they are (becoming), as much as you can while still taking care of them and making sure bad things don’t happen to them.
I bet I’ll take this all back when I’ve got my own kids, but from where I am right now, that’s what I have to say.
And once more: good luck!
Wil, you’re going to do just fine raising teenagers. You’re a kind hearted person. Speaking of stepkids, my mom got in the car for the first time with my 15 year old step-sister today. Surprisingly she didn’t freak out like she did with me when I had my learner’s permit. HAHA!!!!
True enough Wil. And who knows, I’ll probably be singing a different tune if I ever have kids. ‘Til then, though… damn parents…
Wil, you’re going to do just fine raising teenagers. You’re a kind hearted person. Speaking of stepkids, my mom got in the car for the first time with my 15 year old step-sister today. Surprisingly she didn’t freak out like she did with me when I had my learner’s permit. HAHA!!!!
I’m glad to hear the boys are taking to D&D so much. That shows that they have creative inclinations, which is VERY rare in teenagers these days (at least the ones I deal with). That it gives you a bridge to stay in touch with them (my mom would have flipped and quoted the Bible verbatim from memory if I had brought a single sourcebook or compendium home) is even more awesome. Good luck, Wil!
“Teenagers. You give them an inch, they swim all over you…” — Sebastian
/can’t believe I quoted The Little Mermaid…
Your mother was right and it’s only just begun! Not to worry, it will pass when they are about 30.
that first point you’ve got, from a teen’s point of view, goes “let’s ask again, only ask a little more reasonable, and beg until we get what we want. then if we don’t get it, we’ll act extremely pissed until you give in.” usually works, too.
=]
hmmmmm
so you are taking time away from here to play nerdy games with the boys??? *grins* that is why I like you so much – keep doing it – you really are a great dad. (I wish my dad was more like you)
I dread my boys getting older – oldest is 10
What I would give to have them talk to me now. People really don’t know how blessed they are to have kids that can talk to you.
My best time on games is 5 minutes – youngest did that on candy lane – this summer. He is 8 but at least he made the ginderbread men go to the end of trail & then join the non-playing ones — he is getting better. He will now sign for “sit” & “eat”
Our one-and-only is completely a ‘Tween, headed straight for Teen, and dragging us along in her wake.
We have a cardinal rule at our house, and it is very simple; if you want to be treated as an adult, you have to act like an adult FIRST.
It works… most of the time…
As a Mother of two teenagers (both boys), I feel your pain. My youngest has just hit the threshold but my oldest is almost 18. For most of the period between 15 until now a lot of the responses I got ranged from grunts to dramatic outbursts, with a smattering of chatty days which threw me off but I enjoyed them. The good part is we were and are still able to talk about the serious stuff very openly. That ulimately is the goal, to keep the lines of communication open, with a bit of understanding on both sides that it’s not easy to be a teenager, but it’s not so easy to be the parent of one either. Enjoy them and your time together it goes by so darn quickly.
As a person who has witnessed you and Anne interact with your two boys, I must say I have the utmost faith in you as parents, and I know you’ll handle the “terrible-teens” period they are in with grace. There will be ups and downs as they test their boundaries and yours, but I think they’ll come out A-OK. 😀
My sixteen year old can be the sweetest most kindest considerate guy in the universe, except when he is not. It is amazing — the emotional flipflops that can happen within moments. This is my second time through on parenting a teen, and my only suggestion is the one that applies in general in dealing with the human race — when you’re talking, you ain’t listening. And in silence many, many things can be said, and heard.
My dad died when I was JUST entering this stage of life, so my mom got the full force of all my teenager wrath. I was really horrible to her. I moved out at sixteen and didn’t even speak to her for years! Now I’m nearly 21 and call her or email her almost every day. And I apologise almost every time for the way I treated her during my teenage years.
The funny thing is that now my brother and sister are 14 and 12, and they’re SO MEAN to her and my stepdad…yet they behave exactly how I did at that age. And even though I’m 20 and the ‘cool’ older sister, I’m still ‘so lame’ because if they mouth off to my mom or stepdad in front of me, I’m the first one to mouth off back to them and illustrate how very rude they’re being. It’s pretty funny, actually.
Anyway, this is a pretty cool book (even if it’s a little outdated). I think I’m going to print out parts one and two and ask my siblings to read them. I wish I’d read something like that when I was a teenager. Though I probably would’ve just brushed it off as lame 😛
I am WITH YOU. I have a very sweet almost 14-yr-old who has been a CHANGLING for a couple years now. My worst moments are catching her in the middle of bad lies. She is so bad at lying!
The teen thing creeps up on you gradually, then suddenly. They have to pull away and become nerds of their own – not so attached. And change is so hard! We will surely grow through this . . . and reap the rewards of so much time invested up to this point.
Finding the common ground is your best bet. For you, the gaming. For me, we have developed a bond through comedy. We are currently devoted to seeing every EDDIE IZZARD DVD ever recorded.
Wow. Sounds more like going from Linux to Windows!
I haven’t had the chance to be a parent (this isn’t an emotional confession, I just don’t have children), and I kind of regret that. Sounds like you and Anne are doing a great job.
I’d like to propose an alternate theory to the parabolic mirrors and tractor beam deal. Perhaps aliens are performing species mixing and implanting teenagers with that part of a cat’s brain that goes from fuzzy/purry to shredding claws of doom. I’m not saying your teenagers are destructive by any means, but I know my cat rolled its eyes at me all the time…
As a middle school teacher, I can tell you that the “Alien” descends and takes over your child sometime between the 6th & 9th grade. The “Alien” will leave sometime during high school or early college. And since all children develop differently, there can be variations to this time line of alien infestation. However, your sweet children will come back someday…until then, good luck with the “aliens.”
Ok, since they are now teenagers, time to just accept that you are enemy number one in their quest for social independence. Any attempt on your part to be anything other then their enemy will only result in their distrusting you even more.
So, my advice: When they start acting all indignate, thank them for giving you the power to [insert favorite cuss word] up their life. Then laugh meniacly. They will be truly irritated instead of teenage acting irritated to get under your skin.
Ok, all kidding aside, stick to your guns. The best thing you can do is be consistant with your values and beliefs. Also, please, please, please refrain from attempts to tell them how they should feel. I still remember how much I hated that, and I am 43 years old, for crying out loud.
Another thing, if they act up with you in front of their friends, you are free to embarrass them in front of their friends. Oh, and they will definitely act up in front of their friends. Again, when they complain, thank them for giving you the power!
Ok, now I have to go get The GirlFriend™ some coffee. You know how important coffee is.
I was suspicious that this was happening since the blog of Nolan hugging your leg. He still loves you but may not want the appearance of such attachments around his peers. It’s time to make a network of their friend’s parents count. Your teens will want more and more independance and you should help provide the safe havens while they are gaining their balance. It’s the “Learning To Ride A Bike” scenerio all over again. They want to “Pedal On Their Own” without you holding the bicycle. This doesn’t mean that you are out of the picture. You will just be running beside them making sure they don’t lose control.The FUN part is that you get to do this YET AGAIN when they want to drive the car! Let them FLEX, but don’t allow them to BREAK. It’s time to set new boundries for their growth. Happy Fatherhood!
My mother sympathizes completely. She swears that the person who does the comic strip Zits was spying on our house during my teenage years. May your stepkids be easier on you than I was on my folks! 🙂
The aliens will return your children at some point between ages 19-21. For about 6 months to a year you’ll wish the mother ship would come back and reclaim them, but after that…well, you won’t understand them completely, but at least they’re more human then.
If you’re lucky one day you’ll be driving somewhere with a former alien spawn and he’ll turn to you and offer his most sincere apologies for spending a good five years with his head wedged into a bodily orifice it was never intended to be, and he’ll wonder aloud how he was permitted to live.
You’ll be able to honestly tell him you knew it was his pod clone all along, so all is forgiven.
Then he’ll hit you up for beer & pizza money… 😉
Maybe this is a bit off topic, but I listened to “Asylum Street Spankers” and I don’t know what to think. I one way, I think they’re brilliant. In another, I think they’re just bawdy hacks wanting to play music. I hate that when I’m not sure.
The only suggestion I have as a stepdad of 16 and 17 years old(never mind the driving part) is that you don’t post much about how weird they are acting. You have a real possibility of embarassing them or pissing them off and getting crap at school. Just my $.02
The Asylum Street Spankers are fabulous. I’m constantly impressed by your taste in music.
My nephews are hitting thirteen this year. I think I’m a little afraid.
A shameless shill for the artist:
http://www.toddlockwood.com/galleries/dnd/03/drizzt.shtml
enjoy!
d
Congratulations and my sympathies, Wil. I’m in the same boat you are – I’ve suddenly got an angsty, cranky 13 year-old who wants nothing to do with me unless 1)nobody else is looking or 2)the cute girl in orchestra he’s chasing is around, because she really likes coming over to talk to me, and he’s hoping she’ll talk to him!
(She will. She kisses up to me because she’s crushing big-time on him.)
It’s not so bad, though. Just weird. It’s hard to wrap my head around it some days, that he’s changing and growing up. Buckle your seatbelt, it’s gonna be a hell of a ride.
It’s not even like switching from vi to emacs . . . it’s more like switching vi to emacs and someone re-assigned your keyboard and changed the language and now the damn thing reboots randomly and though occasionally it makes sense, most of the time you’re so goddamned confused you wonder why you bought a fucking computer in the first place.
You have an amazing talent to explain that so well to someone without kids. I loved that entry by the way. You are genius, and I really do hope the aliens return the sweet reasonable kids soon 🙂
Also, my mother just read that (It may be the only blog entry she has ever read) and she thinks you are wonderful/god/smart and witty. I bet I’ll get Dancing Barefoot for Christmas now lol (I can only hope :P)
I’ve lurked here, but this is my first comment. I can feel how amused you are at reaching this stage of your kids’ lives, no disclaimer necessary. 🙂 Good luck and keep smiling.
The part about “It’s just that their brains are all fucked up right now, and they need our help to figure out what the hell is going on (but won’t admit it, and don’t know how to ask for it)” was the only teenager-trait I remember applying to me — manifesting as trying to be so academically and behaviorally nice’n’perfect that I was probably making myself depressed. So reading about “normal” teenagers makes me glad. 🙂
It sounds like everyone involved is rampantly healthy. Don’t let that get out.
I’m recently married and have always worried about the relationship that would develop between my new husband and my teenage son. I knew we would all be okay when I came home one day to find them yelling at each other over a game of Grand Theft Auto. It was perversely reassuring — and also great blog material: http://falafelsex.blogspot.com/2005/06/adventures-in-summer-visitation.html.)
Wil, i remember from your books you felt you were a slightly difficult teen…at least during your Next Gen days. (Hell, you were an angel compared to me…i was positive I knew everything). But anyway, Robin Williams in his “Live on Broadway” routine does a great bit on Karma and teenagers…not the most reassuring thing to hear, really, but it’s good to be reminded that pretty much every parent can tell you what it was like going down that road, or will remember what you’ve experienced when they get there themselves.
As a former teenager(not too far removed, really. Well, okay, 6 years removed, but still…), I must say your rules are exactly what the doctor ordered. You’re giving them distance, but not shutting them out…time and again it strikes me what a great dad you are. Of course, from the sound of it, you’ve had some great parents to draw experience from, and a great gal to be a parent with.
Your boys will tend toward the beastly,for a while, but yes, you’re absolutely right, they’ll eventually outgrow it, and along the way, they’ll still know you’re there for them.
Good on ya, Wil!
Wil,
I am not a parent but you seem to be doing a great job. From the parents that I know, teens have a language of their own. Hang in there and you may understand them by the time you are 60. Remember, teach your children well. Make sure they know that you love them. Never forget what it was like to be a teen. Good luck on the a very hard job.
Hey Wil, I’m a teen myself at age 16. Although I’m a strange teen… I don’t really get into fights with my parents too much. My mom actually said the other day, “Aren’t we supposed to hate each other at this point in life?”
Funny, really.
Anyways, I guess the best thing to say is good luck, though I bet you won’t need it. I think you’ll do a great job with Ryan and Nolan.
– Sam
I became the stepmother of a young man who had just been visited by the hormone fairy, which is the first step to being a teenager.
My own personal theory is that the aliens first hit your sweet reasonable child with hormones as the first step to replacing the sweet reasonable child with their own offspring. They do this because they can’t cope with the angst and drama, and so replace our children with theirs until they reach a point of development that they can handle again, and then return our sweet reasonable children.
This happens when the body is about 21.Amazingly, we become intelligent again once this epiphany occurs.
This is, however, just my own theory.
Hey there, Wil. Im Todd Lockwood – I paint the covers for Drizzt Do’Urden’s books. I’m a fan of the old Star Trek and TnG, and a fan of your website. Tell your kids HI for me. As to teenagers – I’ve had three, one of whom is now grown and nearly gone. They get better. You hang in there, you treat them with respect and authority, and they turn out well. I suspect you are doing and will continue to do just fine. :o)
i am sorry
it all came so fast
for u
but i am sure u will get used to it
lol
♥
I wish I had someone to teach me how to play D&D and then play with me. I’m just not nerdy enough for my own standards until I play D&D. A friend of mine from school (yes, I am one of those horrible Teenagers) says I would be a really good drow. I don’t think he means playing as one though… (insert Evil Grin here)
It’s funny, Wil. Many of us are in the same boat. I don’t feel like I’m my parents age when I was going through my teens, but I am. One of the few things that make me feel better is remembering how my parents drove me crazy when I was a teen. They just didn’t understand! I was the last of seven, at that point they had stopped trying to cross the void of teen craziness. They just tried to lay back and maintain patience. It worked eventually, though I made plenty of mistakes along the way.
I was reading an article earlier today in the August InStyle about Denis Leary and his wife, with a profile of their lives with two teens. His wife said something I found so familiar. To paraphrase it she said ‘We always thought we’d be considered the cool parents, but now they seem to unimpressed by us.’
Been there done that.
Anniehay
Isn’t parenting lovely? Tonight my eight year old told me something about when he was a “kid”? Isn’t an 8 year old still a kid?
sounds par for the course, in the teenage dept. Once it starts happening, something else happens when the awareness kicks in. It really only gets better in my opinion. you’re in for kicks and giggles… with healthy helpings of moans and groans.
Wil, glad to hear you discovered the Asylum Street Spankers. I have extremely fond memories of the cramped “Outhouse” in Austin, mid 1990s, no ac, hugging a bucket of iced down beer, and listening to the then-all-acoustic spankers perform an intimate set. Back then, Guy Forsysth was the front man and they were an undiscovered talent. Glad to hear that Whammo, Christina, and the gang are making a splash out in California.
This post gave me a good laugh. I am turning twenty in two weeks, and as a result I have been reflecting on what it meant to be a “teenager.” It seems wierd that this time is over, but I am excited to see what the next decade is all about. So far it looks like more confidence in who I am, mood swings come slightly less often, and freedom. Also, my dad and I would be a lot closer if we could have played DnD together.
I love the shift between 3. & 4.
VI, emacs, xemacs, simple text, text edit, notepad. Whatever editor you use, in the end it’s all still text. How you get the words out changes, but the core programming you’re doing is still the same (and you’ve been a kickass hacker on this score so far). Enjoy the challenge of picking out those new keystrokes.
🙂
Hey Wil, sorry about my earlier insane post – I get a little crazy like that sometimes, so I actually was a little relieved that you deleted it. I can understand how you don’t want that craziness in your life, and again I apologize for going cuckoo.
Don
Don
Wil,
I feel for you. I’m just biding my time until this happens to my 10 year old. I’m hoping for at least 5 more years, but I know I’ll be lucky if it goes 3.
I just caught your appearance on the Today show this morning about how geeks are chic. Enjoyed it a lot. Nice job!