I had to use Anne’s car to drive the kids to school this morning, and when I turned it on, her XM radio was tuned to the 80s station.
Ryan hopped into the car, and though I was seriously rocking out to NuShooz, grabbed the radio and changed it.
"What do you think you’re doing?" I said.
"Changing the radio station." Translation: You are so lame. I rule because I am sixteen.
"Well, when you’re driving in your car, you can change the radio all you want. But when I’m driving, if you’d like to change the radio, please ask first." Translation: I may be lame, but I’m still your parent.
I backed out of the driveway.
Ryan sighed and rolled his eyes. "May. I. Change. The. Station?" Translation: You are so lame. Now I will use the words you requested, but I will deliver them as sarcastically as possible. I rule because I am sixteen.
"No," I said. "You may not." I took a deep breath, "Baby! Ah-ah-ah- can’t wait! Muh-nah-nah-nah-nah-bop-de-bop Muh-nah-bup-bop-be-bop!" Translation: I can be just as annoying to you as you are to me. Age and treachery will always win over youth and vigor. I rule because I am thirty-three.
From the backseat, Nolan said, "Wil, this is really horrible . . . radio. You will note I did not call it ‘music.’" Translation: I’m not going to join in the lameness this morning. Rather, I will make a joke to diffuse the tension. I rule because . . . I just do.
"I know," I said. "But now that I have the power of horrible 80s pop music, there is nothing that can stop me."
Ryan and Nolan both said, "What?" Translation: What?
Before I could dazzle them with yet another brilliant non sequitur, the song ended, and the opening strains of Mr. Roboto filled the car.
I stole a sideways glance at Ryan, and caught him stealing a sideways glance at me.
"Is this Mister Roboto?" He said. Translation: Uh-oh. I love this song, and I know you’ve heard me listening to it in my bedroom. How am I going to maintain my carefully-crafted facade of indifference to everything?
"Yep," I said. "You’re wondering who I am-machine or mannequin! With parts made in Japan, I am the modren man!"
"Did he just say ‘modren’?" Nolan said. Translation: What the hell does modren mean? Can I say hell in my thoughts? I guess I can, since nobody can hear me. Hell hell hell. Hell damn hell. Damn damn crap. Crap damn —
"Inded he did," I said.
"What is ‘modren’?" He said.
"It’s Dennis DeYoung’s concept album version of modern," I said.
"Does this have something to do with mullets?
"You know it does," I began.
"Because the mullet was the official harcut of rock and roll in the eighties," Ryan said. "I remember." Translation: I was paying attention to you that one time. But you’re still lame. Nothing personal.
I put on my best Dennis DeYoung voice and nudged the volume knob just a bit closer to eleven. "I’ve got a secret I’ve been hiding under my skin! My heart is human, my blood is boiling, my brain I.B.M!"
I glanced at Ryan again. His right leg was bouncing along with the music, and his head was bopping just a little bit. Translation: Must . . . maintain . . . carefully . . . crafted . . . cool . . . but . . . losing . . . battle . . . against . . . the . . . rock . . .
I pulled into a long line of cars and waited to make a left.
"Domo arigato, Mr. Roboto, domo…domo," I looked in the mirror at Nolan, who was struggling to suppress a smile.
"Domo arigato, Mr. Roboto, domo…domo," I looked at Ryan, and pointedly turned up the volume again.
"Domo arigato, Mr. Roboto, domo…domo," I pulled the middle and ring fingers of my right hand into my palm, and folded my thumb over them. The light changed, and we inched toward the intersection. I subtly rocked the goat back and forth, just at the wrist.
At the top of my lungs, I belted out, "Thank you very much-oh, Mr. Roboto, for doing the jobs that nobody wants to. And thank you very much-oh, Mr. Roboto, for helping me escape just when I needed to!" Ryan shook his head, and began to smile.
"Thank you-thank you, thank you! I want to thank you, please, thank you!" I sang, a bit of Shatner creeping into my Dennis DeYoung.
Ryan laughed. Translation: Okay, you’re still lame, and I’m still so cool because I’m sixteen, but we’ve got a long history together, and now that I realize you’re not buying into my bullshit — yeah, I said bullshit. What are you going to do about it? — I’m going to give it up and enjoy this. Because I am sixteen, not only do I rule, but I can completely change my attitude in a nanosecond.
Traffic grew heavier as we got closer to the school. I turned the radio down to a reasonable volume. Translation: I don’t need to embarrass you in front of your peers . . . this time.
"The time has come at last to throw away this mask, so everyone can see my true identity…" I sang.
Ryan joined me: "I’m Kilroy! Kilroy! Kilroy! Kilroy!" Translation: See? I may be totally cool because I’m sixteen, but I’m not totally lame, either. Remember, if is you who must learn how to deal with me now, because my brain is all messed up. I’m not trying to be a jerk. Honest. I can’t help it sometimes.
"Who is Kilroy?" Nolan said.
"I have no idea," I said, as I pulled to the curb and they opened the doors. "But you can be sure he wore a mullet."
"I love you guys," I said. "Have a great day." Translation: I love you guys. Have a great day.
"Okay," they said, "we will." Translation: We love you, too. Even though you’re totally lame.
I pulled away from the curb, as Mötley Crüe’s Home Sweet Home began to play.
I sang, "You know I’m a dreamer, but my heart’s of gold . . ." No translation is necessary.
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I love a happy ending. esp if it involves the 80’s. You rock, wil.
God, I miss 96.5 The Peak…Denver’s 80’s radio station. It was so totally 80’s, it had Nina Blackwood as the afternoon drive-time jock. Yes, that Nina Blackwood. Sadly, a couple of years ago, it was sold and turned into a Spanish-language station.
I get some love from 105.5 JACK FM, which often plays 80’s stuff, but it’s afairly weak station and fuzzes out quite a bit when I get too close to the foothills. I may have to look into this XM stuff.
I’m so glad my kids are 4 and 2 and can’t yet make fun of me listening to 80s stuff now and then. You made me go buy that song on iTunes, I’ve not listened to it in ages. It was the second music album I ever bought. Tron was the first one.
i love that song!!! my friends hate it when i blast the 80s station in my car, cuz i sing along to everything. Jack FM is alright, but I still love KROQ’s Flashback Lunch. I’m always requesting Mr. Roboto.
Also, I don’t know how much you may or may not listen to KROQ, but have you heard the song Tear You Apart by She Wants Revenge? I don’t really care about people calling it that “oh so mainstream sound that we’re forced to listen to and eventually like”. I actually like it, cuz it’s fun.
And they sound like my favorite band, Interpol.
Gotta love 80’s music!
Oh, see now, this is why I walked to school as a teenager. ^_~
I still feel my cheeks turn pink when Rush comes on the radio to this day. My dad’s air-guitar solos were legendary at my high school. Only when I was sixteen, he didn’t seem to notice the army of my peers eyeballing his antics. To this day, I hate ‘Tom Sawyer’ for this reason.
Remember when “Home Sweet Home” was the first video to maintain the #1 spot on MTV’s Countdown for like 6 months straight? They finally had to retire the video to give others a struggling chance. Nothing could beat that tour bus carrying the Crűe town to town.
BTW, XM 80’s on 8 is just not the same without Heidi Selexa!
Ah, yes…I remember when I was young and my parents embarassed me with their totally lame taste in everything. Wait, no…they are still pretty lame. Yeah, I totally rule because I am twenty-five and they will forever be lame because….well, they are older than that. The world is beginning to make perfect sense. 😉
I’m on my waayyyyyayyayyyayyyy…
\m/
Honestly, Wil, more parents should be like you.
from wwdn: domo arigatoyou suck I rule
One of Wil Wheatons funniest parenting posts yet
I had to use Annes car to drive the kids to school this morning, and when I turned it on, her XM radio was tuned to the 80s station.
Ryan hopped into the car, and though I was ser…
You seriously rock! I love that story, it made me get this warm tingly feeling of
‘I love my family’.
You seem like the kind of parent who a kid is still able to love; however hard it is to actually show that sometimes. Keep it up!
\m/
You still rule Wil. I like hearing these kids of up and downs you have with Nolan and Ryan. I still listen to 80’s music. Today’s music isn’t as great as yesteryears. Thanks for the good laugh Wil.
ghee, when i was a kid it was
all, you will listen, you will
like it, or you will walk.
i like your approach alot better.
C.
“When I was a boy of fourteen, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be twenty-one, I was astonished at how much the old man had learned in seven years.”
– Mark Twain
Fantastic post! I’ve had a few ‘singing in the car’ episodes with my teens. It’s always a blast.
What a funny, well-written post. Awesome.
I’m way more into music than my kids are, and I feel kinda bad for them sometimes. What’s it like to have a mom that’s into doom metal, death metal, bluegrass and indie rock? So far they think it’s cool (“I love that you like stuff like Converge, and then you like stuff like Patty Griffin”), but I keep waiting for them to become real teenagers and start hating on me. Maybe if I keep taking them to see bands like Weezer, Beck, and Three Inches of Blood, we can avoid that stage altogether. Yeah, I don’t think so, either.
That was absolutely hysterical!
Nice.
I spent a lot of time with my oldest stepdaughter and music. Had to convince her she didn’t actually “discover” the Beatles. A embraced her “dark gothy” period, just to confuse her. (some of the music rocks anyway 🙂 ).
Now my youngest, god bless her, is getting interested in good old rock and roll. She is listening to my radio and is getting “all up on” AC/DC , Aerosmith and the like. Whats great is I know that will drive the ex crazy and I had no hand in it. I love it, but I didn’t do it. ;>
You make a heck of a father figure wil, and that can mean so much more than blood in the end.
“I subtly rocked the goat back and forth, just at the wrist.” That, is like, so tooootally cool and stuff.
\m/
Wil is right about the http://www.eggradio.com thing too. Go now, your ears will thank you.
Tell em Blackie sent ya, and get free rum. Arrrrrrrr
One of my favorite things about your writing is the “internal monologue” or the things that you say to yourself inside your head…
I am I the only one who feels like comments make the commenter sound like a complete tool?!?!?
Punkin; pie story–also funny–actually it was “read-out-loud-to-dad-while-he’s-making-carmelized-onions-funny” he laughed too.
Happy Thanksgiving Wil!
Wil….OMG that was so funny lol. It is even better because I am a HUGE Styx fan. I sent the link over to the Styx lists… So be prepared for many many Interesting comments hehehehe.
I also read this aloud to my kids (Who also love that song) and they loved it. One of my Fav posts of yours so far.
Thanks for the lift!
Man I wish I could remember the 80’s. Although that could be considered a problem, I remember that song. *existential shudder*
I have had similar encounters with the neices & nephew. I love the way you can put it into words so vividly.
If he ever asks about Kilroy again, here’s a good link to explain who Kilroy really was.
http://www.bbc.co.uk/dna/h2g2/A508277
Gives him some interesting trivia and a nice history lesson at the same time. I remember learning about Kilroy in honor’s World History in high school.
LOVED THIS ENTRY! Way to go, Wil, in showing the younger set who is really “cool,” and who is Boss (and for teaching them good taste in music).
HAPPY THANKSGIVING!
OMFG I laughed my ass off!! I had to actually read some of your entry to my husband since he kept hearing me laugh! Now he’s singing Mr. Roboto! Great song!
lol… Your internal “Hell monologue” for Nolan reminded me of the Simpsons episode when the kids get stranded on the desert island without any adults (i.e. Lord of the Flies), and Bart says:
“We’ll live like kings! Damn Hell Ass kings!”
🙂
Actually, in the context of the album, Kilroy is the real name of a washed-up rock star. Wikipedia:
“The album’s storyline (set in the future) centered around a has-been rock star, living through a disguise of his own, ‘Mr. Roboto’ (according to the album’s lead-off song), and caught in a world where music itself has been outlawed.”
Here.
The single came off Styx’s “concept album” Kilroy Was Here.
By the way — yes, I do realize I need a woman, or a life. 😉
Well he wasn’t washed up he was in Prison for a Murder he didn’t commit. He was framed so they could blame the music…. If anyone cares lol
There is actually an entire story about this and a 15 minute film which was played at the beginning of the concerts. Being the Styx Geek I am I have the VHS of the entire concert called Caught in the act… Yeah I know TMI hehehe
Oh this had me rollin. My son is 5 now (Nov. 22)
and he is starting to pick up on songs mommy and grandma listen to. “I don’t like this one mommy!”
I am sure it will be sometime before we majorly clash over what is music 🙂
Insightful, witty and original. Don’t stop with these little gems, it makes me fear my sons’ eventual advancement to adolescence less.
Here’s to Age and Treachery. *cheers*
Wonderful post, Wil! You have such a connection with those boys…it definitely runs so much deeper than the teenageriness. Lovely.
back in the day — by which i mean around 1984 or 1985 — in those dinosaur years before everyone had cable back when people actually watched broadcast tv over the air with rabbit ear antennae hooked up to the television set, boston had a local music video channel. V66. they’d segue from a public image limited video into local traffic reports. it ruled. it was far far cooler than MTV.
but in 1986 or so, it became a home shopping channel. cable and MTV and giant corporate media had won.
so, fast forward to this morning, when i was listening to the “leftover lunch” (new wave/alternative music from the 80’s and early 90’s) on the radio as i was driving around doing errands, and the dj came on and said “i remember watching the video for this on V66. and if you remember what v66 was, you were cool before you were old.”
busted.
hahaha this is why i love you.
Translation: love you, as in, that universal unity of oneness that binds us all together, kind of love.
“Well, when you’re driving in your car, you can change the radio all you want. But when I’m driving, if you’d like to change the radio, please ask first.”
My friend, you will come to regret these words! 🙂
Heh. I did the two stepson thing, too. They’re ain’t but two rules:
1. Make it clear that you will be there, will not leave, and will continue to love them, no matter what shits they might be.
2. Know your boundaries and defend them.
You have eloquently summed up both rules in a single ride to school. Very well done.
Regards, Lee
Too damned funny. I own a karaoke company, so I can sing 80’s crap whenever I want, often to the dismay of my 20 yr old son! LOL!
Domo!