outside the walls
Jason Kirk, a blogger with whom I sometimes play cards, wrote an introspective post where he mused,
"I get distracted by what I’ve somehow come to think I ought to be instead of who I already am. I let others’ ideas, and ideas fed to me by a part of myself that’s
dedicated to being counter-productive, get in my way. When I do that I
lose focus of what’s important in my life."
That struck a chord with me, because I could have written those words myself around the time I wrote the blogs that became Just a Geek. I’ve grown a lot since those days, and I’m happier and more secure than I’ve ever been (not counting a time when I was too immature to know better.) Why is it, do you think, that it feels like a luxury to get to this place, rather than a natural and inevitable part of this life?
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This happens to me everytime I go to church or hang out with people from church. I feel like I don’t fit the ideal. Then I think, “So what? I think I’m cool.” And I act like me. Then the people don’t want to hang with me because I don’t fit the ideal. It’s a no win situation there!
Exactly. I mean, I’ve always known this but never really followed the advice until lately. I am sick of others dictating to me what I need to do/be. Sounds trite but life is short, do what you want. Why go through life pleasing your bosses and other authority figures when you could be making yourself happy? Simple enough, most people just don’t do it; they’re scared.
Lately, I’ve been interested in a few hobbies/obsessions that someone might call lame or childish. But why should I deny what makes me happy? So what if it appears lame, I’m denying my true self if I push these hobbies away just to be “cool”.
Sometimes people don’t make it to that point in life and are left struggling to find a way. Even at 30, I find the constant urging from my parents to be a professional singer (something with I grew to loathe) depresses me more than helps.
Working my different jobs and doing the odd acting gig has made me happier than I have been in years. I am learning to look for opportunites that will not only advance my career but make me feel happy and secure. I’m not willing to take a job anymore if it means sacrificing my own happiness or that of my partner’s.
I also think that you got to learn to compromise with yourself and others expectations to get to that point.
Sometimes people don’t make it to that point in life and are left struggling to find a way. Even at 30, I find the constant urging from my parents to be a professional singer (something with I grew to loathe) depresses me more than helps.
Working my different jobs and doing the odd acting gig has made me happier than I have been in years. I am learning to look for opportunites that will not only advance my career but make me feel happy and secure. I’m not willing to take a job anymore if it means sacrificing my own happiness.
I also think that you got to learn to compromise with yourself and others expectations to get to that point.
Read ro watch “A Clockwork Orange” and you will understand.
I think it feels that way because we see so many people in this world who never reach that point. What is key for each person to reach this emotional “nirvana” is to find those counterproductive influences and shed them. It is not always easy to do because sometimes they come from sources we have long trusted, such as parents and religion.
I can say from a personal perspective, the day I shed religion from my life and embraced humanism was a gigantic step forward for me in this respect.
Good question- I’m 41 and it comes and goes in waves, but I’m much more sure and happy than I was earlier. And my dad keeps telling me that it gets even better in your 50s and 60s. Well feed me corn and watch me grow! Who knew that getting old(er) was actually going to be fun?!
Not to offend anyone here, but I agree with David. 10 years ago, the day I realized my parents were not perfect beings, I realized, I don’t have to listen to everything they say and I don’t have to believe in my religion anymore either. And I don’t.
I’m much happier because I find God in my family and friends. One of the best, subtle lines I know of is from the movie Heathers, “Our love is God. Let’s go get a slushie.”
As I was telling my boss one day, “It’s so much easier to be one person than two.” It’s a shockingly simple truth once you realize it, but for me it was hard to get there.
Over the past year I began to examine who I REALLY am instead of the person I’ve allowed myself become. I wouldn’t say I’m a person who lets others dictate my behavior, but to a degree I really had. Friends and family saw me a certain way and instead of questioning whether that was the truth and the way I wanted to be perceived, I just went with it and billed myself as “quirky.” In retrospect, being “quirky” wasn’t as endearing and productive as I’d led myself to believe.
I damaged some relationships with coworkers (not good in a small office) and I sabatoged a relationship with a great guy because I couldn’t decide which “me” I should be. Thankfully, I realized that my behavior needed to change. “This is just how I am” is not a good excuse — like Jason said, it’s being counter-productive. I was able to recognize that I had some “quirks” I needed to get rid of. The more endearing “quirks” have stayed and shine through brightly.
As a result of this spring cleaning of the soul, my relationships with my co-workers have improved 100% (they no longer think I HATE them!) AND the relationship with the guy is on the road to recovery (w00t, w00t!) Most importantly, I’m much happier with myself.
That other famous Wil — Shakespeare — hit the nail on the head: “To thine ownself, be true.”
(Sorry for the lengthy comment.)
It feels wierd to know exactly who you are, doesn’t it? Unfortunately for me, who I am doesn’t pay bills so I’m stuck working 7 hrs a day standing in one spot, lifting things that are entirely too heavy for me to lift and have my hips, back, knees and shoulder burn like the fires of hell every night. So as of this moment, I’m a loser cashier at “Your friendly neighborhood Wal-Mart!!” *insert big fake smile here*
When you know exactly who you are, you tend to realize that what other people want you to be and what they say about you don’t really matter in the scheme of things. Just be who you are, and do what makes you happy. “I lay it down as fact that if all men knew what others say of them, there would not be four friends in the world.” -Blaise Pascal
Don’t you wish we could all just enjoy every moment of our lives without letting our inner neurosis waste our time and joy? Unfortunately, under estimating our own value and talent and devastating ourselves time and time again because of past decisions are just a couple of components that make us human. As long as we learn from every choice we make, we will continue to grow spiritually and hopefully in the end we can find happiness within ourselves, without seeking the approval of people we really don’t need in our lives. 🙂
This reminds me a lot of my thoughts on the way home from the movie, “I Heart Huckabees”. I was so struck by that line, ‘How am I not myself?’ It’s such a good flip of the question, ‘what do I want to be?’ and made me realise I should instead be focusing on being who I really am. Even my honest goals for improvement should be based on understanding my real self, not some image I’ve created out of flawed paradigms and other people’s expectations.
Hm. It seems to me that this is the gift of human experience, our ability to learn. Our ability to realize when it’s time to reevaluate, compress the information that needs to be compressed, discard that which has done us no good, and move on with the business of learning. It isn’t necessarily a situation of immaturity; it’s intellectual spring cleaning.
No idea. I’ll let you know if I ever get there. 😛
Congrats on a safe arrival at THE PLACE. 🙂
Why is it, do you think, that it feels like a luxury to get to this place, rather than a natural and inevitable part of this life?
Perhaps it is all the sweeter for the struggle.
And happy anniversary. 🙂
As long winded, unoriginal and repedetive as I found David Eddings’ novels, I did take home one very interesting comment he made.
“Isn’t it funny how we measure the intelligence of other people by how closely their thinking matches our own?”
I’m happy that you found someone with whom you are so compatable….happy for her too. Happy anniversary and cheers.
Allowing yourself to let go of the “I should” or “I have to” voice is really hard. It takes a lot of work to get to that place, to function as your best self, and the luxury you feel when you get there is the reward for all the hard work.
Wil,
Just wanted to be sure you had gotten over the flu.
http://www.hitchhikernet.com/index.php/Nerd_Flu
p
It feels like a luxury because it is a luxury. While most people do become more emotionally mature and independent as they grow older, it’s not guaranteed, and how many people truly make peace within themselves even then? And contrary to other folks who posted here, I’ve had the greatest success in shedding the weight of the world’s expectations since finding my spiritual path (A Course in Miracles). I was raised Catholic, but the constant guilt was too much. ACIM taught me that all that supposed “external” criticism was internal, because I was choosing to believe it. Anywho, I’m not proselytizing! Just sketching out my own escape trajectory from the weight of the world. 😉
It feels like a luxury simply because we have to struggle through the mire of our lives to get there — and, we have to struggle thorugh the mire simply so that it can feel like a luxury when we “arrive.” I had a pretty rough childhood and it took me ages to get to a point in my life where I could say to myself, “I am happy with who I have become, and my experiences, good and bad alike, have made me.” Hence, I have no regrets. And I am exceptionally happy. I hope you are, too.
I just turned 31 last month, wherein I had a conversation withmy mother that ended with her telling me I really needed to decide what I wanted to be already, because I am a grown-up now. It left me a bit baffled. I had no idea that this was a requirement of adulthood. I have spent the last 10 years trying to be what my Grandfather, who is a preacher expects me to be, what my Mom expects me to be, all of that, until last year. I decided that I needed to follow my own ideals and my own path. *That’s* what I want to be when I grow up-Myself.
My mom, unfortunately, doesn’t understand this. She doesn’t get that I want to write and be kind and travel and just…be.
But that’s ok. There’s something truly cathartic about shedding the old skins of familial responsibilities and ideals and finding your own. I only wish it hadn’t taken me so long to find that out…
I think it feels like a luxury because when you get there, you look around and realize that you are somewhere that the majority of people never get.
From a guy in his 50’s, it feels like a luxury because you’ve managed to get through all the obstacles life has thrown in your path to get to where you are. PS- Saw you on an old Outer Limts the other night with Graham Greene and Robert Patrick. Great story and fabulous acting.