and now for something completely different

There was a time when I called myself an actor/writer. Then I realized that, saying it aloud, I was calling myself an actor, slash writer. While I suppose this would be immensely appealing to some people, it’s not how I wish to be remembered by history, so I made an effort to call myself a writer/actor, often correcting myself if I said it the other way, and explaining to an often-confused friend or cow orker why I did not aspire to the lofty title of "slash writer."

Over the last few years, though, the explanations have grown few and far between, as I’ve increasingly dropped the "actor" and I think of myself as a writer.

A part of me will always be an actor, I think, because even when I write, I see things the way I’d shoot them, and hear dialog the way I’d speak it if I were on a set. I love my roles voice acting, especially on Legion, and I love performing sketch and improv at Acme, but I’m a writer. It’s how I support my family, it’s how I satisfy myself creatively, and it’s what I want to be when I grow up.

Still, about once a month or so, my manager calls me with an audition for a television or film role. When this happens, I prepare the scenes, make myself look pretty, curse traffic the entire way to the casting office and back, and do my very best to simply enjoy myself and have fun while I’m there. I never book the jobs, but the reasons that used to drive me crazy when I was a full-time actor ("too young, too old, too tall, not edgy enough, not related to someone enough, etc., etc., etc.") don’t even bother me, now. The way I see it, if I did the best I could with the acting, which is the only thing I have control over, I can be happy with the entire experience.

About two weeks ago, I got a call on a Wednesday for an audition on Thursday. The audition scenes were very straightforward, and the character was someone I could step into pretty easily: a comic book creator who is a huge douche.

I prepared the scenes, made myself look pretty, cursed traffic the entire way there, and then sat at the studio’s gate for 25 minutes while I waited to get onto the lot. The actor/writ er, writer/actor or "actor" me would have been so worked up by the time he got through that line, he would have given a shitty audition and gone home angry.

This time, though, I relaxed, listened to the best playlist I’ve ever made on my iPod, and spent the twenty minutes rehearsing my lines. By the time I got to the guard gate, I’d heard Codemonkey, Lazy Eye, Eaton Rifles, This Year’s Girl, and I was entirely off book. I parked my car, made my way to the audition waiting area, and sat down, confident and relaxed.

I signed in, and looked around a room that was filled with actors who were dying to get their respective roles. This is a prime time network show, and one of the guest roles pays at least $6500 for the week — that’s almost enough to qualify for the "good" SAG health insurance for a full year, and the exposure this show would get any of us will be worth even more, as it could easily lead to an actor’s big break.

After a few minutes, my name was called with several others by a casting assistant, and we moved from one waiting room to a long hallway, where we lined up on chairs and waited to get "on deck."

While I sat there, I became aware of how much this audition meant to just about everyone there. They all wanted it in that life or death way I once did. Don’t get me wrong, I wanted the role because of all the reasons I listed, but if I didn’t get it, it wasn’t going to be the worst thing in the world. I have this new book out that I’m promoting, you know?

The desperation came off some of these other actors in waves that I’ve only seen in a bar at last call, and I wanted to tell them all to relax, have fun, just do the best with the acting they can do and leave it all in the room when they walk out . . . but then I remembered that if anyone had tried to give me that advice five years ago, I wouldn’t have been able to hear it over the sound of my own desperate heartbeat.

I sat in the hallway for about five minutes, while other actors reading for other roles went in ahead of me. When there was one guy left before I was up, I glanced over my sides. Yep, they were the same ones I memorized while I waited at the gate, so I folded them up and waited.

When it was my turn, I went into the same damn room I’ve been going into since I was eight years-old: a bunch of intimidating executives sat on the other side of an equally intimidating conference room table, waiting to see if I was going to fuck up their script, or if I was the guy to bring this character to life.

I’ve known the casting director for a thousand years, and he’s one of my favorite guys in the industry. He always puts me at ease, and works hard to create an environment where actors can do their very best work.

One of my audition scenes was in an interrogation room. Rather than sit in one place and just read lines at me, Mark (the casting director) really put the screws to me, while he paced back and forth behind the entire row of executives between us. This was such an awesome thing to do for two reasons: it brought the scene to life, and it gave every executive in the room the chance to really see all of my face and the character I was creating while Mark walked behind them. Why more casting directors don’t do this sort of thing I will never understand, and why Mark isn’t making a billion dollars a year as the director of talent for a network or studio is equally incomprehensible.

I did two scenes, and I rocked them both. It was fun, I was relaxed, I wore this character like he was a skin suit and I was Buffalo Bill (for the record, yes, I would fuck me. That’s probably too much information, sorry.) I thanked them for their time, and walked out of there thinking, "Yeah, that was super fun and totally awesome. I nailed it . . . I can’t wait to find out why I didn’t book the job."

The weekend passed, and the following Monday I was informed that I’ll never learn why I didn’t book the job, because I booked the job!

Starting tomorrow, I’m playing the part of Miles Sklar, comic book creator and world-class douche, on Numb3rs.

. . . yeah, I know. Weird, isn’t it? For the rest of this week, I’m a working actor. Don’t tell anyone, but I’ll be thinking of myself as a writer the entire time, and not just because it serves the character.

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240 thoughts on “and now for something completely different”

  2. ahahhhaa..
    oh, man …
    slash writer…
    you know .. I feel like sometimes that I’m the oldest person in the room, and I’m -your- age.
    Congrats on the part, I love when the fear stops getting in the way.
    (and grats on the new book too, btw.)
    oh, man .. I’m sitting here thinking about -your- words in some terrifying slash…
    not that I’d -ever- read it.. nonono …That would be depraved… but, since you would fuck -yourself- (and who wouldn’t, I mean, really?)
    (fuck themselves, I mean, Not you.)
    (Not that you aren’t an interesting specimen with that sexy brain, but…)
    ..I’m just…
    You know what?
    uh..
    I’m just going to say
    ..
    YAY!
    ..
    gratz on the good insurance!
    /wanders off … muttering/

  3. Hooray!!!
    Congrats. I love your writing, truly, but I hate to think of you not acting, too. I’ll always consider the acting and the writing even, no matter what order you put them in.

  4. YES!! Freaking can’t wait!! Hubby and I love that show, so we will catch it for sure, congrats, congrats and Best of luck and break a leg!!!!!

  7. That’s a damned fine show, and obviously they are smart enough to hire you for what will be a memorable role! Can’t wait to see you playing this wonderfully sleazy character!

  10. My first thought, when I read “There was a time when I called myself an actor/writer” was, “Cool! A multi-classed character!”
    Then, when you specified “actor, slash writer”: “Hm. He must be **really** getting in to Guitar Hero.
    Personally, I’m more of a professor-Hendrix-Woodworker.
    –GG

  11. Congratulations, man, that’s fantastic!
    Is this at all related to the whole idea where people tell their single friends to relax, that they’ll find love/a relationship when they’re not looking for it? *nod*

  12. I just read in TV Guide’s “Ask Ausiello” column…”Nov. 22, Star Trek TNG’s Wil Wheaton guests as a young, rich comic artist in an episode set at a comic-book convention” and had to come say congrats! I’m a longtime reader of your blog and a big fan of Numb3rs too. Can’t wait to see you there 🙂

  13. Congratulations Wil!!!!!
    I guess it’s kinda like a couple trying to have a baby. Until they forget about it and stop trying so hard, it just doesn’t happen.
    Looks like you’ve played the role of being an actor that dreamed of being a writer, and now for a week the pendulum swings the other way.
    My hope for you is that you can turn in your slash and replace it with an “and”.
    BTW… What goes first is whatever you are grooving on this week…

  14. Meh, you’re a hyphenate, not a slash — writer-actor-pundit-whatever.
    But, hey, cool, and good going. I enjoy this show.
    Still want to see you land a recurring on Heroes though.

  15. This totally rocks Wil. Your blog is my only blog read, and I truly appreciate your candor, irritation, all the “normal” feelings and emotions that you express. I wouldn’t miss Numb3rs, as it’s on my list of must-watch tv. Great to hear.

  16. Welcome to the Sklar club! We’re exclusive, and not dicks! (Most of the time.)
    That is awesome; congrats!
    Ditto on the Heroes thing. One of the few shows worth watching on network TV.

  17. Great Scott! Christopher Lloyd?!!! Totally awesome! You know… Krumholtz killed Kellie Martin and stabbed Noah Wyle.
    I hear Numb3rs is a great show. I’ve liked Rob Morrow since Northern Exposure. I’m sure you’ll do awesome.
    Also, I’ve heard HUNDREDS of stories of actors who say they just relaxed, did their best, had low expectations and ended up booking a show. Confidence and awesomeness seems to be key.
    I’m glad to hear this audition panned out! Hell, I could get my SAG card now, but the audition process absolutely scares the ever-loving shit out of me.

  19. Wil that is fantastic! I can’t wait for your episode! Makes me think back to when you had the part of the crazy bum on CSI. You were great there too.

  22. Maybe this is a far-out theory but I think your being an actor adds something to your writing.
    I love the way you would describe the whole audition process – you describe it so vividly that it always broke my heart when you didn’t get a part. And that’s when I realised the way you write is how you approach your auditions; there’s a compelling honestly, a giving of yourself and an authenticity that convinces us that this is you. No posturing, no bullshit.
    Congratulations on the part and though I’ve quit watching TV for the past few years, I’ll make an exception for Numb3rs.

  25. Oh my God, that is so awesome! Nice job, Wheaton! Have fun playing actor. Can’t wait to hear how it went.
    Oh and one more thing: w0000000000000000000000t!

  28. Well, it looks like I will have to start watching that show, which I have heard is great, just so I can be caught up on what is going on, when your cameo approaches.
    Congrats, I am so excited for you!

  30. I am so excited. This is one of my favorite shows and I can’t wait to see you on it! I have a feeling you will really like the cast. They seem like a good bunch. Break a leg!

  33. Great news. I like Numb3rs.
    Liked your work on CSI, looking forward to seeing you in that.
    But don’t be so awesome that you get so much work you have to stop writing, eh? Unless you get a regular role on Heroes or BSG or something.

  37. I was on pins and needles the entire time I read this post – my son had to ask me why I was jumping up and down at the end. He thinks I am nuts, but then, maybe I am.
    I am soooooo happy for you! Knock ’em dead, Wil!

  38. Congrats Wil!!!
    Numb3rs is one of my favorite shows! Looking forward to seeing you battle it out with Charlie and Don.

  39. Ahhh I see…

    It is Important to:

       Be In Touch
       With Your
       Inner Douche    *

    (Have a BLAST on Numb3rs!)

    *Yes…you MAY quote me! 😉

  41. Holy crap! When I read that it’s about an audition I just knew you got the role, because of the title of the post.
    Congrats. I don’t usually catch the show, but I will be looking out for this episode of Numb3rs for your appearance.

  42. Good on ya, Wil!
    You’ve just stumbled on one of the interesting parts of the human spirit – if you’re desperate for work, it’ll show. No matter how much you try not to show it.
    The best interviews I’ve had have been when I didn’t need the job.

  43. Dude! I am pyso psyched for you! Fantastic news. As we live in Japan, we get US shows haphazardly at best, and numb3rs is one we like and ‘work’ to get. Fantastic news!
    With a bit of luck and some EyeTV – we hope to see you soon and often!

  44. W00tage for the Wil! ^_^
    Gratz, mate – Numb3rs IS one of the few shows wife & I watch (most are made by Jerry “I’ve decided to OWN tv” Bruckheimer) so it’s not like we gotta go out of our way to see you. 🙂
    And it’s good to hear that you’ll be taking a role that you *say* is not such a stretch, but moreso is one that you can have a harmless (useful even) release for one’s Inner Douche – we ALL have one, admit it. 😀
    May you and yours stay damp and fire-free – if not smokeless – and may FUN and happiness abound in your ‘slash’ career(s)!

  45. Good to hear you’ve got another job.
    Have you tried auditioning for a part on Heroes yet? They seem to love SF show alumni; they’ve cast two Trek actors so far, plus a Doctor and a villain from Doctor Who.

  46. As a former crushing fangirl and current Numb3rs fan, I squealed and clapped when I read the big reveal.
    I cannot wait to see the episode.

  48. Good for you sir, glad to hear this good news. I’ll have to dvr that show so I can pause it and say to my wife, “I played poker with that guy once!!!”

  49. WOOOOT! I just screamed in my living room for you. That’s awesome, and I very much enjoy Numb3rs, so I’m extra excited that I will get to see you in all your High Definition glory! 🙂

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