WIL WHEATON dot NET

50,000 Monkeys at 50,000 Typewriters Can't Be Wrong

the thursday hangover

  • WWdN in Exile

When I woke up this morning, my head was throbbing, I felt sick to my stomach, and my whole body felt toxic.

"Oh my god." I thought. "I have a hangover."

I kicked off the covers, and sat on the edge of my bed, my head in my hands.

"This doesn’t make sense," I thought. "I drank two beers in four hours last night. What the hell?"

Anne walked into our room, holding her head in one hand, the other across her stomach.

"Oh my god," she said. "I am never eating candy again. I have such a sugar hangover."

"I am so relieved," I said. "I thought I was even more old and lame than I am, and I had a hangover from two beers."

She looked at me.

"I know, it’s a silly thing to be happy about."

We walked out into the living room together, and saw the shameful evidence of the previous night’s debauchery: fun size candy wrappers littered our dining room table. A half-eaten Baby Ruth sat on a pile of Butterfinger crumbs, and a salad bowl, that was filled to overflowing with treats for our neighborhood ghouls last night, was nearly empty.

It was a monument to excess, standing defiantly against our efforts to live a healthy and balanced life.

As I scooped up handfuls of wrappers, a half-melted Kit-Kat stuck to the side of my hand. I was revolted by the smell of it, the way it felt, the soft chocolate pressing crispy bits of delicious crunchity wafer into my skin.

"I can’t believe I thought it was a good idea to mix Nestle with Hershey’s last night," I said, the memory of a furious game of Sorry! flashing through through a chocolate-stained lens of shame.

A few minutes later, it was all cleaned up. "I’m going to go back to bed," I said, "and hope that I don’t see a chocolate-covered baby crawling on the ceiling."

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1 November, 2007 Wil

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a different perspective on numb three ers → ← Pac-o-Lantern

25 thoughts on “the thursday hangover”

  1. Paul Crowe says:
    1 November, 2007 at 11:55 am

    Now THAT is a scary story… 😛

  2. Brian Watson says:
    1 November, 2007 at 12:22 pm

    Got the Trainspotting reference. Man I need to track down a copy of that movie.

  3. buntz says:
    1 November, 2007 at 12:48 pm

    Excellent. I feel like if Linus had made a soliloquy about the true meaning of Halloween, this vignette would have been it.

  4. gbina says:
    1 November, 2007 at 12:57 pm

    I am right there with you. We hosted a Dessert Potluck Halloween party last night and didn’t eat dinner. Figured I’d get enough calories with the desserts and candy that dinner wouldn’t be necessary. I had ONE beer and one metric buttload of candy. I wish I was dead.

  5. MJBUtah says:
    1 November, 2007 at 1:25 pm

    Just like alcohol, you have to do this once in a while to remember WHY it’s a bad idea. Eggs (or something high in protein) will help.
    I hope you signed up for NaNoWriMo, because they are sending out inspirational letters from famous authors and today’s was from Tom Robbins. He really had some great things to say about fiction writing.

  6. Chrissy says:
    1 November, 2007 at 1:47 pm

    LMAO! I’m going to try to keep this in mind when I’m tempted to go for the candy this weekend.
    So, Wil, inquiring minds want to know: are you doing NaNoWriMo this year? It’s not too late to sign up…

  7. kristinalead says:
    1 November, 2007 at 2:42 pm

    I am so in awe of people who can eat so much candy/chocolate that they have a “hangover” the next day – I can only eat so much before I start to feel nauseated and get an upset stomach, almost right away…
    Your amazing description and vivid imagery bring the story to life, so I almost feel as though I experienced your pain.

  8. Starr01 says:
    1 November, 2007 at 3:03 pm

    I don’t know if it’s good or bad but i am one of those who can eat a ton of chocalate and sweets and be ok. You see, you got to pace yourself lol…

  9. Patty says:
    1 November, 2007 at 3:03 pm

    Trainspotting meets Willy Wonka… if you find him clanking chains against your wardrobe, you’ll know it’s time to stop.

  10. Mystral721 says:
    1 November, 2007 at 3:04 pm

    o.O
    I was eating my way through a snack bag of mini-Oreos when I read this. I’ve stopped now….

  11. Patty says:
    1 November, 2007 at 3:05 pm

    …oh yes, and muttering “Better than sex, Wil! Better than sex!” And an Oompa Loompa telling you to stop that shit under the sheets.
    Ready for bed?
    Just say No, Wil. Just say no!

  12. ÜberBeth says:
    1 November, 2007 at 3:09 pm

    Having recently purchased a house in a large neirghborhood with many schools nearby, we were expecting many kids. We only received 3 trick-or-treating packs, one of which was my husband’s sister =\
    We now have a very large bowl of candy to try and avoid.

  13. Celtic Mama says:
    1 November, 2007 at 3:14 pm

    I sooo know the feeling! I’m 34 and just as lame. My kids bounced right back. Me on the other hand…

  14. angie k says:
    1 November, 2007 at 3:47 pm

    LMAO. I’m happy to say that I did not eat much candy yesterday. I do think I accidentally ingested too much stage blood but that’s another story all together…

  15. shewhobeatsass says:
    1 November, 2007 at 4:00 pm

    It ain’t an age thing, either. At age 20, still in my candy-eating prime, I woke up this morning with the same damned thing happening. The only difference being the people in my place of residence hadn’t been among those of us who were OD’ing on candy, and they were able to handily inform me of EVERYTHING that I did during the sugar rush…including an ill-advised karaoke rendition of songs from Evil Dead: The Musical.

  16. SweetieDahling says:
    1 November, 2007 at 5:57 pm

    Yikes! I had to create an account to share this with you. Normally, I read the RSS via Livejournal 🙂 Anywho..
    Welcome to what my husband and I call, Pig Flu: the horrible nasty feeling you get from ingesting or rather “porking” way too much candy. You’ve described quite a nasty case of it; I hope you both feel better soon!

  17. celeste says:
    1 November, 2007 at 7:48 pm

    Man, I’m so glad I read the whole entry. For a minute there, I thought you were pregnant.

  18. Mike Belrose says:
    1 November, 2007 at 8:18 pm

    Many electrons died to bring us this entry, and it was well worth it.

  19. JenBreier says:
    2 November, 2007 at 4:54 am

    Sugar hangover. I was on the verge, but fortunately I stopped myself from eating too many Milky Way bars. (But only because what I really wanted were Mars bars, which I can’t find anymore).
    So, do you usually have a lot of candy left over when the trick-or-treaters are done? Or were there just less trick-or-treaters? I’ve spoken with some people all of whom live in different places and we all felt like there were less kids out than ever before. Anyone else notice that?

  20. Andavar says:
    2 November, 2007 at 8:29 am

    Hey… At least you didn’t have to pray to the porcelain god!

  21. kobowfet says:
    2 November, 2007 at 10:32 am

    HA! Sugar hangover or getting to old… Can’t it be both? I kid. Someone made a reference to Oompa Loompas. That reminded me of the candy Oompas Loompas. I haven’t seen those for a while. Must find a way to buy Oompa Loompas… and the cycle continues.

  22. arspoetica028 says:
    2 November, 2007 at 11:07 am

    Don’t sweat it…my Halloween sucked too.

  23. FABIAN says:
    4 November, 2007 at 9:47 pm

    Wil,
    I am glad to see that you survived Halloween.
    FG

  24. Spike Witwicky says:
    5 November, 2007 at 8:19 am

    Great blog –
    Also, congrats on your commanding lead in the Weblog awards for ‘Best Celebrity blog’

  25. Histrel says:
    5 November, 2007 at 10:43 am

    Poor you! I spent the night encouraging the local kids to ‘please take more, go on, you can take more than one! Any that’s left I’ll have to eat.’ But then I did get stuff that I didn’t like – so no chocolate just sweets. The chocolate is hidden away for desperate moments lol

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