can i break just one rib?

ByWil

Though based on actual events, some of this has been . . . enhanced . . . for dramatic effect.

On Friday, I took Anne to the Moonlight roller rink for her birthday. It was totally awesome, and we had exactly the kind of fun we remembered having when we went to roller rinks as kids, which was kind of the plan when we made it.

While we were there, I learned something: Newton’s first law of motion isn’t just something you have to study in school; I proved the goddamn thing.

Here’s how it (and I) went down: I was rolling along on those old retro 4-wheeled skates I was the fucking master of when I was in middle school. Nearing the edge of the rink at the blistering speed of about three miles per hour, I bumped one skate with the other, transforming my feet from a means of travel into a perfect pivot point. I flew straight to the floor, stupidly throwing my right hand out to break my fall.

My hand hit the floor, and stuck. It didn’t skip, it didn’t slide, it just stuck there, waiting for the rest of me to crash onto it. It was not disappointed.

Guess what happens when you take 150 pounds of me, accelerate it to three or so miles per hour, then drop it from about six feet onto four inches of balled-up fist? It turns out you focus a whole lot of rib-breaking power onto a small surface.

It didn’t really hurt when I fell; it was silly and a little embarrassing more than anything else, but when I fell a second time in almost the exact same way two hours later, I knew I was in for an ouchy evening.

Friday night was fine, but it ached a whole lot on Saturday. By Saturday night, it was a constant ache, occasionally disturbed by stabbing flashes of real pain. Sunday was bad, Monday was bad, yesterday was better in the morning, and by last night, I thought that maybe I was on my way to recovery.

I woke up this morning – after waking up six or seven times overnight – in absolutely unbearable pain. Since this didn’t continue the “I think it’s getting better” streak that started yesterday, I made an appointment to see my doctor.

“Does this hurt?” He said, pressing against my side.

“Nope.”

“How about this?” He pressed in a different area.

“Nope.”

We repeated this as he worked his way up my right side.

“Okay,” he said, “let’s try this.”

He put one hand on my back, another on my sternum, and pressed.

“Does this -“

I made a sound like a giraffe getting run over by a train while they’re both hit by a meteor.

“Yeah, we’re gonna go ahead and x-ray that.”

I went down to the lab and had a series of films taken. I successfully resisted the compulsion to say “HULK SMASH!!” after each shot. When I took them back up to my doctor’s office, he showed me where he could see a break, and where he thought my ribs were cleverly concealing at least one other break.

“So . . . do we have to put me down?” I said.

“No, but you’re going to be unable to do much of anything for at least another week.”

“Can I get a note to that effect to give my wife, and would you leave some space for me to write other . . . doctor’s orders?”

“You’re sure you only took Motrin this morning?”

I answered in the affirmative.

“If I’m broken here,” I said, pointing to my side, “then why does it hurt so much here?” I pointed to my sternum.

“Because you probably tore a bunch of cartilage when you fell. I can’t say for sure because cartilage doesn’t show up on x-ray, but I think it’s a safe assumption.” He wrote me some prescriptions for pain medication and advised me to breathe as deeply as I could and force some coughs a few times a day to minimize the risk of pneumonia.

“I’ll see you again in ten days to make sure you’re fine before you go to Seattle,” he said.

(I’d told him that the most important thing in my near future, even more important than healing this massive pain, was ensuring that I didn’t miss PAX.)

So now I’m home following his orders, taking pain medication that I don’t want to take (if I start thinking Squidbillies is awesome than I’ll go back to dealing with the pain) eating prunes and playing the waiting game until UPS delivers Hungry Hungry Hippos.

. . . stupid classical physics.

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73 Comments

  1. Oh man, Wil, that is SO resonant with me right now. We just got back from a long trip and I managed to hurt my wrist big time. It’s not broken, but the “does it hurt when I push here?” story is exactly what I went through with my docs…
    Take those pain meds and don’t stint… your body will do the rest… and do that coughing thing and some walking so the pneumonies don’t get ya!
    Namaste.
    Spacewriter

  3. OH DEAR GAWD!!
    Okay two similar stories, kinda but well maybe…
    Because I am a tiny creature and my babies were big creatures, both of them broke two of my ribs while I was pregnant from kicking me.
    Now to the other kinda similar but not story…
    The whole falling on your wrist made a brutal memory and was my lesson on peer pressure that I will never forget. This “adventure” really taught me to pay attention to those little voices inside of my head telling me people are stupid and to not listen to them.
    So its the first week of Grade 5. Its after Phys Ed class. We are changing in the girl’s washroom before lunch. The bathroom was in the subbasement of a brick school built in 1914. Pipes exposed in the ceilings. Well we had this bench you see that you can sit on either side and there was a back rest that divided it. (Kinda hard to describe without using my hands) The girls were jumping off of the divide and swinging on the pipes and dropping down. “Hey Julia,” they say to me, “It’s your turn.” “No,” I say, “It is unsafe and we shouldn’t be doing it and if a teacher comes in we will be in detention for sure.” (I was a goody goody to extreme). Well they continued to taunt me and the voices in my head screamed louder and louder to ignore them. But between the catty girls and the voices in my head, I couldn’t think straight, so I yelled at them both and proceeded to talk the “leap”
    Well, the next few moments were the longest and slowest of my life. I jumped off of the divide, just barely reached the pipes with the tips of my fingers, put my left hand under my falling body to break my fall and SMASH!!! My left arm remained straight while my body fell straight on top of it from 8+ ft.
    Everyone looked at me white as I said, okay I need to go home. They said no, you need to go to office and go to the hospital. Yeah, no I said. I will be in trouble BIG TIME if that happens. But the convince me to go and we thought up of lie on the way so we wouldn’t get in trouble (big huge fire doors slammed my arm).
    Well it turned out that SMASH was every single bone in my wrist exploding and breaking both bones just above my wrist, plus a few bones in my hand. Only thing keeping my hand to my arm, was skin. It was hanging two inches lower than my arm. Had to have surgery and was in a cast for almost 6 months.
    Well there is a lot more to this crazy tale, but I, like you, learned all about Newton’s first law that day plus to never listen to my stupid friends again even if it meant me being called a geek and a goody two shoes.
    I hope you have a speedy recovery.

  4. I think your pain may be enough to get you some medicinal marijuana! Now that would make for some fun blog posts. Take care Wil.

  5. Wil,
    You need to get the guys at PennyArcade to draw up a coming of this story. I’ll bet they can bring it to life in their own special way.

  6. Ok, and now with correct spelling…
    Wil,
    You need to get the guys at PennyArcade to draw up a comic of this story. I’ll bet they can bring it to life in their own special way.

  7. Dude, I swear you are stalking my kids! Firsst you had an incident at the Bowl and now Moonlight! Both places my kids work!lol
    I myself browke my wrist there on my daughter’s 14th bday.

  8. “I made a sound like a giraffe getting run over by a train while they’re both hit by a meteor.”
    Proving that comedy is not necessarily safer than physics, I laughed so hard at this line I think I pulled a muscle.

  9. Ribs are almost the worst, like a cold. I had mine broken when I tried to stop a thrust with a schlager blade, using said rib/s. Being a poor fencer the only medicine I got was the wrenching pain from laughing at myself. Never laugh, cough, nor breathe with that injury. Condolences. Those skates were the best…

  10. Ahhh Jeez Wil!
    I remember getting blitzed in the ribs when I was riding my bike and an inconsiderate moron opened his car door in front of me… as I was blazing down the main drag, downhill…
    I went over the top of his door, through his window and ended up nearly impaling myself on his hood ornament (damn Lincoln!).
    The tally for the day… two broken ribs, one car window (and hood), and one wreaked Raleigh Grand Prix…
    Cheers,
    Les

  11. Wil sorry for your owie.
    When I was 12 I wsa riding the big boy skate board. In my day it was a banana board and steel wheels. I hit a crack in the sidewalk and flew forward with my arms straight. My elbow when forward (crunch). My 12 year old brain really saw stars. I stood up looking around for comfort. and this man mowing his lawn was pointing and laughing at me. I stumbled home crying. That day was my first summer itchy cast. My biggest fear was that the doctor was going to yank on my arm. He didn’t…
    Hope you recover quickly.

  12. Aw jeez Wil! I hope you’re feeling immensely better in time for PAX! Sorry to hear about the pain, but thanks for converting that into laughter for me while I read about it. 🙂

  13. You make me not sorry that I never learned to skate.
    My mother breaking her elbow the first (and, for many many years, last) time I went to the roller rink as a kid also helped.

  14. Ah, yes, broken ribs – those things that don’t tell you they’re broken until days after you’ve done the damage.
    Thirteen years ago, a friend of mine came up to me at a nightclub and gave me a bear hug. He kept squeezing tighter…and tighter…and then I felt a *crack*, followed by another *crack*, in my lower chest.
    “Put me down!” I screamed.
    He dropped me, and I fell to the dancefloor in a heap. For a second, I couldn’t breathe; then I slowly began to feel OK.
    “I think you broke my rib!” I said.
    (Important note here: I am not a fragile or delicate woman. My friends would all describe me as “sturdy”.)
    Danced the rest of the night without a problem. Over the next couple of days, the spot started to hurt worse, and worse. Five days later, I went to the doctor to learn I had pneumonia and two broken ribs.
    Get this: I was the THIRD woman in that doctor’s office that morning who’d had her ribs broken by a hug. And the office had only been open for an hour and a half.
    It took me about six weeks to heal up – and since then, my friend has hugged every female friend of his like they’re made of china.

  15. Very sorry about your injury. But THANK YOU for this story and these lines!!
    “I made a sound like a giraffe getting run over by a train while they’re both hit by a meteor.
    “So . . . do we have to put me down?” I said.”
    They made me laugh out loud, I forget where I was!

  16. Ouchy. I cracked 2 ribs while ice skating a few years ago (punk hockey kids slammed into me, and I did a total Charlie Brown fall onto the ice). It is NO fun.
    Takes a long time to heal, and laughing at anything hurts like a motherf**ker.
    Feel better soon, Wil!

  17. Dude, sending good thoughts and mojo your way for a safe and speedy recovery.
    Hope to see you at PAX!
    P.S. When it doesn’t cause injuries roller skating is hella awesome. I love it. Also, happy birthday, Anne!

  18. Well, if The Secret is right (and I hope to hell it isn’t), then you must now contemplate why the universe brough this into your life.
    Besides the rib, where are you broken?
    If you’re like me, accidents happen, and next time you go roller skating, you’ll be that much better!

  20. Seriously, I feel your pain! My hubby did something similar earlier this year. Thankfully his 1st cousin is an Orthopedic Surgeon. Didn’t break a rib, but a few months later broke a toe! His middle name is NOT Grace! LOL
    In spring of ’88 (sophomore year), I was learning the turns for discus, as I did shotput and discus for high school track. I overturned and landed “Indian Style” on my tush. Ended up spraining the top of my left foot. After Dad got off duty as a cop working 3-11 that night, he took me to the ER cause my foot was ice cold. I should have broke it, said the Doc. Would have been a better deal.
    Well, LONG story short. I went from a severe sprained ankle into some form of nerve damage in my back over the next 20 years to where I can’t do much exercise. Now, I’m not confined to a wheelchair, but I’m the equivalent as I sit all day doing web work. It also resulted in Fibromyalgia and Chronic Fatigue. I used to walk all over Phoenix when I was going to ASU and all over Dublin, Ireland when I lived there also. Now I have trouble walking the grocery store. GRRRR!
    Ah well. Life goes on. This led to my own business and a great Hubby. And I’m well insulated during the winter (pats her fluffy tummy).
    Like many who have commented, I know your pain and I truly hope you have a speedy and complete recovery!
    Oh! And thanks for being active on Twitter – I have Twitterfox going in my FireFox browser and grin whenever I see one of your zany posts! Helps me through my work day.

  23. I just love your blogs. I’m so sorry you broke your rib. I hope it gets better soon, and that the pain fades as well.
    A friend of mine shattered her tailbone in a skating accident last year. She was skating backwards and a kid fell behind her. She ended up flipping over him and landing right on her back. She was out of work for months and is still recovering.
    @ Jules, we had pipes like that in the basement of my school as well – only they were over a staircase. We used to swing on them all the time when I was in 8th Grade.
    One winter day I decided it would be fun to swing on them. Bad idea. Turns out they were used for heating the building or some such since they burned the hell out of my hands.
    I had to keep holding on long enough to swing back on the stairs so I wouldn’t break any bones along with burning my palms.
    That was some excruciating pain. I went outside – since it was time to wait for the bus – and started picking up snow to try and cool them off.
    Then to add insult to injury one of the teachers started yelling at me for making snowballs. I tried to explain that I had burnt my hands but since the blisters hadn’t formed yet she didn’t believe me.
    I was too embarrassed to tell my parents about it so I kept it to myself until 4 a.m. Then I finally woke up my Mom because the pain was just too much to take.
    She doctored me up but I had huge blisters on my palms the next day. I can’t remember if that teacher ever apologized for not believing me.

  24. Oooh ooh ooh! I wanna share my goofy injury story!
    I was doing a 6 month gig working at the Shedd Aquarium in 2002, in the “Interpretive and Guest Services” department (translation: we told you which were fish and which were mammals and asked you nicely not to take flash pictures in certain areas). We also had a few shows in a little auditorium, including a kids show based on the legends of the Pacific Northwest Native American tribes. A show with masks. And quick changes. Up on a stage.
    Well, when I was the “Otter Spirit,” a playful sort, I was supposed to spin the other character around, then run behind a screen and do a quick change into the “Dolphin Spirit.” Except one performance I ran off and the wrong angle, and did a Wile E. Coyote off the stage, and introduced my left knee to the floor from a height of about 5 feet. Oh, yes…the floor was industrial carpet over concrete. And I had a microphone inside the mask.
    I’m pleased to say I did not let out any sort of garbled curse to offend the ears of the kiddies in the audience, and I limped back up onstage and finished the show. And then I went home while my knee swelled up like I’d cut a grapefruit in half and stuck it under the skin.
    Happily, nothing was broken…but yeah, I’m familiar with the “embarassing spills causing personal injury” story.
    Heal quickly, Wil!

  25. Ouch. I broke an arm falling like that–turns out when you fall on one arm, and the other is carrying a 30 lb. toddler, you are going to break something. Hope you heal up quickly, and be sure to breathe deeply so you don’t get pneumonia.

  26. I know your pain.
    About a year ago, I lucked into a bout with bacterial bronchitis.
    The coughing started getting really, really bad, and I tore some cartilage in my left side.
    As I was getting over the bronchitis, the torn cartilage was ouchy, but not unbearable.
    I was putting up some clothes one day, had my hands full, and had One. Last. Huge. Coughing. Fit.
    I felt/heard my rib crack.
    I’d rather have another baby. Just saying.

  27. @Charisma69 OUCH!! I have a million painful stories I could share, as I am sure so could we all.
    I think my funniest pain story has to do with the last play I was doing. It is way too long to retell here. But I will say great dress rehearsal, great opening night, the next night, anything that could go wrong, went wrong. It was injury after injury from opening of curtain to everyone leaving the hall. Doctor’s had to attend to one of the injuries (a head bleed caused by a fight scene)

  28. Gosh, thanks for all your kind wishes, everyone.
    And I’d just like to take a moment to say that I love it when posts like this (and my Rocky post) inspire so many of you to tell your own stories. I just love reading them all, and it’s one of the great joys I get from the work I do here.

  31. Oh yeah, I know all about Vicodin. Luckily for me long-term (but annoying in the short term) I really hate the way it makes me feel.
    I’ve never been a recreational drug user, though, so I’m not too worried about suddenly getting a reality show.

  32. Hope you heal quickly, broken ribs suck.
    Considering all of the dangerous and dumb things I did as a kid, I got away from childhood with only a sprained ankle and a couple of cuts – no stitches.
    “Can I get a note to that effect to give my wife, and would you leave some space for me to write other . . . doctor’s orders?”
    I’m a doctor, and I laughed my ass off at that one.

  34. I, too, broke some ribs once. Hurts. The trick is not to.
    Oh, and if you don’t want your pain meds, may I have them? It’s been many years since I broke my ribs, but I’m sure they still hurt enough for pain meds. Lots of pain meds.

  35. I feel your pain Wil…literally. I’ve broken the same wrist 4 times, the other arm once, a few ribs, and severely fractured my sternum. It never gets easier. Have fun at PAX! And if Chris and Sharon from Fredericton hunt you down and ask you to autograph PAX stuff for me, I apologize in advance for sending the goons and not doing it myself.

  36. Ok maybe not the best post to do this but then again I just found your blog (Geeky story on how I did. It involves rewatching all 7 seasons of TNG, IMDB and finding this link somewhere on those pages.) and I wanted to say that I found your blog quite a good and funny read 😀 Made my night or early morning depending on how you see it.
    I’m sorry to read that you broke your ribs. Can’t imagine how that must feel but yay for painkillers! But if the pain is as severe as tearing up your muscles in your ankle then yeah I think I can relate 😉 Hope the pains wear off soon!

  37. I made a sound like a giraffe getting run over by a train while they’re both hit by a meteor.
    Maaaaannnnn that sounds painful!
    This is why I keep reading your blog. Nothing about your writing is broken, thankfully.
    Feel better soon.

  38. Take it easy and heal quickly, Wil!
    I was recently on the retro skates and managed to come through the experience unscathed, but there were a few moments where gravity and I had a tussle. I won as I can actually fly on occasion. Or maybe I was just lucky.
    The worst part of roller skating now is the tiny ones who skate right in front of you and stop. Of course, this only happens if you are going at least three times the speed they are.
    My seven year old daughter spent most of the evening freaking out the twelve year old boys by doing the full Russian splits while wearing the skates. Be glad you did not do the splits…

  39. Dude. One rib? You’re a living representative of the Great Bird of the Galaxy. More than one rib may be asked of you, if we’re going to build our utopian future . . .
    Um. Perhaps too much wine tonight. I do death penalty work. Hope you heal fast.

  41. Sorry to hear about your pain, but I wouldn’t blame physics, Wil; better to blame it on the “old guy thinking he can still do what he could do when he was a kid” syndrome. Yes! You now are officially a member of the Old Farts Club. We, your fellow members, salute you. 😀

  44. Man, you are a little accident-prone these days, aren’t you? Although this does make good writing. I snickered, and now I feel guilty.

  46. Oh dear…..Injuring yourself doing things you used to be able to do as a kid? I’m afraid you’re hitting another milestone on the way to Getoffmylawnification.
    Good news is, you’re not alone, and seem to be in good company. 😉

  49. I made a sound like a giraffe getting run over by a train while they’re both hit by a meteor.
    BAD idea to read your blog at 3am. Almost woke everyone up by laughing way too loudly.
    Hungry Hungry Hippos brings out the worst in me.
    Get better soon, that pain sounds unbearable! :\

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