It was the end of the day, and my blood sugar was dangerously low. Colors and sounds were louder than they should have been. My feet and legs had been replaced by two dull, throbbing stumps that barely supported the weight of my body.
Most of the day, I’d been signing autographs for and talking with countless excited fans. Some of them shook my hand too hard and too long with a sweaty grip that trembled a little too much. Some of them stared at me uncomfortably. Some of them rambled incoherently. All of them were genuinely friendly, though.
I took it all in stride, because I’ve done this convention thing for — my god — two decades, and even though I don’t think I’m anything worth getting excited about, I know that it happens sometimes, and I know how people occasionally react. I never laugh at them or make them feel lame. I never make jokes at their expense. I am understanding and grateful that they want to talk to me at all. I wouldn’t want to talk to me if I was trapped with me in an elevator, and I certainly wouldn’t be excited about the prospect if faced with the option. I am always grateful, and take nothing for granted.
A voice boomed over my head, blasting right through my eardrums and exploding inside my skull. The convention floor was closing, it announced, and it was time for all of us to get the fuck out.
Red-jacketed security guards emerged from shadows I hadn’t noticed during the day. A handful at first, then a dozen, like zombies pouring through a breach in a barricade. They shambled forward relentlessly, single-mindedly driving a mass of exhibitors and straggling fans toward the doors.
I picked up my backpack, inexplicably heavier than it was before I emptied pounds of books from it earlier in the day, and heaved it onto my shoulders. My back screamed.
“You have to vacate the hall,” a girl said to me. She couldn’t have been older than eighteen, but clearly wasn’t going to take any shit from anyone, especially someone in my weakened state.
“I’m on my way,” I said. I turned to say goodbye to my boothmates, and saw the unmistakable visage of Jeph Jacques walk past behind them.
I’ve done this convention thing for a long time, so I knew that it was unlikely that I’d have a chance to say more than three words to Jeph before the convention was over. If I didn’t seize the moment, I probably wouldn’t get another chance. I smiled at the girl, faked to my right, and spun to my left around her. I nearly fell over from the effort.
“Hey . . .” she began. I took two quick steps away from her with my last bits of strength.
“Jeph!” I called out. He kept walking. He’s done this convention thing before, and, like me, knows that when someone calls out your name at the end of the day it’s best to pretend you didn’t hear them so you can just get the hell out of the hall and to a place where you can recover your hit points. This place is usually called a bar.
“Jeph! It’s Wil Wheaton!” I called out. I don’t know Jeph well enough to call him a friend, but we’ve talked at shows before, and I’ve always enjoyed our limited interactions. Maybe if he knew it was me, and not some random person, he’d stop so I could say hello. Maybe he wouldn’t want to talk to me if we were trapped in an elevator, but I knew the security guards were closing in, and if I could get into his Circle of Protection: Exhibitor, maybe I could stay there for a couple of minutes.
He stopped and turned around. He smiled wearily, and said hello. We shook hands, and I noticed that he’d been walking with someone.
“Hey, have you ever met Randall?” He said.
His companion turned to me and extended his hand. My brain screamed at me, “OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD THAT’S RANDALL MUNROE! BE COOL!”
Before I knew what was happening, my hand shot out from my body and grabbed his. I incoherently babbled something about how much I love his work. He tried to say something, but I just. kept. talking.
My brain screamed at me, “SHUT UP! YOU’RE MAKING A FOOL OF YOURSELF YOU ASSHOLE!”
My mouth, however, was out of my control. I continued to ramble, vomiting a turgid cascade of genuinely-excited praise and gratitude all over him.
A full minute later, I realized, to my abject horror, that my hand was still shaking his. I held it too hard in a sweaty, trembling hand. Darkness flashed at the edges of my vision, and I felt weak. I pulled my hand back, a little too quickly, mumbled an apology, and shut my mouth.
They said things to me, but I couldn’t hear them over my own brain screaming at me, “GET OUT OF THERE YOU COCKASS. YOU HAD ONE CHANCE TO MEET RANDALL MUNROE AND YOU BLEW IT! I HATE YOU! YOU GO TO HELL NOW! YOU GO TO HELL AND YOU DIE!”
A hand fell on my shoulder. I turned toward it, and saw the security girl.
“Sir, you need to leave the hall.” She said. “Now.” She had backup: a pair of similarly-aged teens, two boys working on their first mustaches. They fixed me with a steely-eyed gazes.
I have never been so relieved to be kicked out of anyplace in the world as I was then.
“I guess I better go,” I said. I took a short breath, and lamely added, “it’s really nice to meet you. I really do love your work.”
My brain did the slow clap.
His reply did not penetrate the wall of shame I’d constructed around myself, though I clearly recall that he didn’t make fun of me, or make me feel stupid, or let on that I was a sweaty, shaking, raving lunatic. He didn’t appear to be grateful that we weren’t trapped in an elevator, though I suspect he must have been. As I fled the hall, I was grateful for his kindness, patience, and understanding.
Once outside, I went to a place where I could forget my appalling embarrassment.
That place was called a bar.
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I totally hugged Xeni Jardin at Maker Faire – I know exactly how you feel!
That security guard sounds like a real jobsworth…. especially when you’re there as a guest of the organisers.
It’d be bad enough if she was talking to members of the public, let alone guests.
I’ve met and talked to Randy Newman a few times. He is also very gracious. I’m always nervous about meeting people I admire, in case they turn out to be, you know, assholes. YOU seem pretty cool. If I ever get to meet you I promise not to stutter TOO much.
I totally sympathize with what you went through! I went through a similar situation meeting Wil Wheaton at Comic-Con.
I know what it’s like. Back when I was young and had serious intention of being a photographer (or at least a serious amateur) I had the good fortune to meet Ansel Adams and see his darkroom. I think I managed to say one coherent sentence all day.
That very nicely sums up my fears for an event that is about to happen. In the next week or so I may get the change to hang out with Sir Ian McKellen. He is a friend of one of my fiance’s friends and they are arranging for me to hang with him for a few days. He is on of my fave actors of all time and I have studied him for years. I am very much afraid that I will become an idiot at said event and he will never want to grace my appearance again when he comes back here next summer. Just thinking about it give me butterflies and makes me want to vomit huge.
As far as I can tell, from my experience of conventions and from listening to both guests and other attendees, it doesn’t matter how many times you meet cool people and it doesn’t matter how famous (or otherwise) you are yourself, just occasionally, you’ll still manage to meet someone who makes you do the clammy overlong handshake and inane verbal diarrhoea thing.
I feel your pain, dude.
I failed a similar saving throw a few years back when I met Joss Whedon at WizardWorld in Chicago. It was between seasons 3 and 4 of Buffy, Joss was signing autographs and making small-talk. Our brief chat went like this:
Me: Will there be more Xander next season.
Joss: Yes
Me: Good…(wait for it)…I like Xander.
Not horribly egregious, I admit. But, to this day, I have nightmares about that moment. I wake up in a cold sweat at 3 a.m., convinced that he recalls every second of our exchange as vividly as I do. Of course, I know he doesn’t.
But, I’m happy to say that I was much smoother when Ron Rifkin came into the bookstore I used to work at.
Danfaust; I was just getting ready to say that I would probably be that way if I ever met Joss Whedon. I haven’t actually got to meet anyone famous myself though, so I only have the embarrassment of trying to talk to boys I had a crush on in Jr. High.
I’m really hoping to be able to go to a convention one of these years so I can have the embarrassment of being the idiot trying to talk to someone I admire.
Failed a saving throw almost 3 years ago when I met Kevin Smith and Jason Mewes at the Stash in Red Bank.
The only thing that made me feel better was my little sister failing a more vital throw about 5 seconds later. I’m a terrible older sibling.
It’s good you (the big star) know how it feels for us (humble fangirls and -boys). 🙂
Aw, poor Wil. You really are normal 😉 Yeah, had my own experience when I came to California for school and my “teen idol” [name blocked to prevent humiliation]. All the years of rehearsed possibly things to say, and the ONLY thing that blurts out of my mouth is “Can I have your autograph?”
i have been that sweaty handed babbler…oh, wait, that’s when i met you. i quite literally don’t remember a thing i said, i only remember the inner monologue set on repeat of “you moron…breathe…you moron…breathe”.
but you’re quite right, you were very nice. the idiot feeling came from me, not from you. 🙂
Ahahaha… you said “cockass”. 😉
Great story(telling), Wil. Like mentioned in the comment just a few before mine, it’s nice to know that you (the big star) can have fanboy tendencies, too.
Wil,
I, too, know what you went through. I’ve met a lot of famous folks, especially the Moody Blues (several occasions, dinner, etc), Tom Baker (Doctor Who), Jonathon Frakes (Don’t think you know him *wink*), WWE wrestlers, and others.
My first time, yeah, I stuttered and acted like an idiot. Then again, I was in my early teens then, so some forgiveness there. But after awhile, I got used to meeting celebrities. Had realized that they are just like the rest of us – they go through life’s little adventures which shows they are only human after all.
Thanks for sharing. It’s great to hear of a celebrity having his own tongue-tied moment. Not that it’s great that you felt embarrassed by the whole thing, but you know what I mean.
I wouldn’t worry, I’m sure that they knew that, just like them, after a long day at a convention, you were very tired and some synapses weren’t quite firing any longer. Comes with the territory. I’ve done crowd control security at conventions and a Super Bowl – I’m sure that girl just wanted to get the heck outta there also!
Pass my congrats on to Ryan on getting his driver’s license!
That happened to me one time too! I was at OSCON in Portland Oregon a few years ago. I managed to get about 15 minutes to talk to an author who used to do some acting about possibly being in the movie I was helping to get made. He was DELIGHTFUL to speak with and as he was leaving the dumbass in my head took control and blurted, “Any chance I can get a hug?”
He turned back, hugged me, and headed off to other things.
As this (mysterious?) person continues to both write and act I remember that afternoon more and more fondly.
Plus I have the Badtz-Maru friend card he filled out for me. So, y’know, that’s cool too.
Hey Wil living in SoCal I got the chance to meet many celebrities and I will agree that because it has happened so many times I don’t get excited or nervous anymore. I have to say I would get nervous meeting you though. I think I can tell you why.
First when you were on Star Trek you were the Geek people like me wanted to be. But as you grew older you became the guy we would just like to share a beer with. I think the part that makes you so awesome is that you are a normal guy who loves his wife and kids. You have had normal people problems and you have overcome them. And that does make you truly amazing. So I hope you will forgive me when I do come to meet you at a convention I will be one of those nervous people.
Hi, Will! Late Happy Birthday! I know how weird it is to get carded when you are way over 21. I am 46 and it still sometimes happens to me!
I loved getting your tweets but there were too many and I don’t have unlimited text messaging (Lame I know). I always enjoy reading your blog, too! Was that Comicon you were at? My family helped start that. My three brothers were on the original committee and my mom typed up the programs. You can see a pic of the first program at http://suzann.com/images/ff/comicon.jpg
Cheers!
A few years ago at the LA Times book festival I turned around and there was Leonard Nimoy standing there. I suck in these situations but think I actually rolled a natural 20 and saved vs. losing my shit. It was surreal. He was on his way to sign books at a nearby booth. As fast as I could I bought his book on Jewish erotic photographs which he signed. Star Trek icon and ladies with nothing but yalmulkahs, double score me!
@Anna H.: Do you live near Red Bank? I’m in Port Monmouth. Hubby went to school with Jason Mewes, & I took the order for Kevin Smith’s daughter’s baptism invitations from Kevin & his wife, having no idea (at the time) who he was.
@Barbara E.: OMG!!! You’ve had *dinner* with the Moodies?!?! PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE e-mail me & tell me all about it. They’re my fave band of all time!! I have 2 of Justin’s guitar picks, 1 of John’s, 5 of Graeme’s drumsticks, & at one show John let me play a note on his bass (can’t remember during which song, though.) Yes, I’m going totally fangirl here. I also love Tom Baker, & of course, Frakes! 😀 Wil, not only are you cool, but you attract really cool people to your blog.
-Alicia
[email protected]
http://www.thewagband.com
At PenguiCon this year, Randall did a NASA Q&A panel with Andy Looney, since they both previously worked there. The only question I could muster up was whether they knew if a military space shuttle, like the one in The West Wing, really exists. They were gracious in explaining that they’d have no access to that information, if it did exist. 😉
Of course, I hope that I redeemed myself by giving him a “Grenade Advocate” ribbon, as he seems to be a fellow Firefly/Serenity fan.
It really was cool to meet him. 🙂
Trase
I’ve lost count of how many times I’ve talked to people I admire and respect, said something I thought was funny, and have them look at me like a dog that’s been shown a card trick. In other words, complete bewilderment. In those situations, I average about a 50% success/fail recovery rate.
Don’t worry, Wil: since I live in SoCA now I’ll probably mumble incoherently at you at some point.;@)
I do know exactly what I’d say to Joss Whedon if I met him: “You won me over because Xander not only *used* the word ‘antithetical’ correctly, he *pronounced* it correctly.”
I may be meeting a well-known ST person (other than Wil) in the next few weeks, so I will be bearing all of the above in mind.
Generally, I find it helps that if you know you might be meeting a person you admire, write a short script and stick to it. That’s what I did when I met Gore Vidal and Ray Bradbury @ the LA Times Book Fair. To Mr Bradbury, I said: “I don’t need an autograph–I just wanted you to know that you were one of my teachers in how to be a dreamer and an imagineer.” He shook my hand and said, “That’s wonderful. Thank you.” I walked around with a huge grin on my face for the next two hours.
It wasn’t a saving throw. It’s just that Randall was like a cat to you…and you know about the cat graph, right?
So, Wil…how many drinks did it take to forget your appalling embarrassment? As Homer said: Here’s to alcohol, the cause of—and solution to—all life’s problems.
Seriously, it’s good to know you’re a dork at times too. And see what a great story you got from the experience? If things had gone smoothly…BOR-ING. At least for those of us reading your blog. :>P
This is why I never want to meet any of the people I admire. I am convinced that I will either faint, be inane, or be too terrified to even open my mouth and just stand there grinning like a helpless loon. I did the whole “babble like an idiot” thing when I met Jaida Jones and hope never to do it again. -headdesk-
I feel for you, Wil. I’ve said some spectacularly stupid things to folks I admire over the years, usually at such a rapid pace that I appear to be on coke as well as insane. At least you have the comfort of knowing that he’s as nice to his fanboys as you are to yours.
I had a moment like this myself with a certain Wil Wheaton guy at ACME in 2005.
I was drinking at a bar one day when I saw that the man being obnoxious a few seats down from me was Michael Moriarity. Being a monk, I was well into the mead but not nearly as much as this guy. I said to him, “Nice to meet you. Can I help you?” and he said, “Gawwwdd Bless you son, do you have a smoke?”
That’s the only famous person I’ve met.
I did that with Neil Gaiman last year, realized what I was doing, and fled. The annoying thing is that the other authors I was with, who were far smoother than I, ended up chatting and hanging out with Neil, getting pictures taken, and even handing him some of their books to read. Whereas I spent the rest of the convention doing a Chris Farley imitation: “Stupid! Stupid! Stupid!”
Somehow, I managed not to fail my saving throws when I met Liza Minnelli, or Dr Ruth Westheimer (had dinner with her!). But it’s good to have confirmed my long-standing suspicion that you’re the same kind of geekboy as the rest of us. 🙂 I knew there was a reason I identified with you/your character, back in 1987.
At least you *know* who they are! I’m somewhat notorious in my limited circle, on meeting someone famous (usually TV or sports personalities), for saying on shaking their hand: “your face looks familar, do I know you from somewhere?”
The look of faint disbelief is masked only by how quickly they can find someone else to talk to.
sigh ….
You know the first time I met someone famous? It was Mrs Partridge of the Partridge Family Shirley Jones back in the late 70s when the show was still popular but off the air I was the most awkward person in the world, but ya know something? I never get over the awkwardness around people I consider cool :).
Wish I had a saving throw when I met Harlan Ellison back in 1999.
If ever there was a botched throw when meeting someone.
err that last sentence should read I hope I never get over the awkwardness on people I consider cool as I consider that the utmost form of respect :). In any event I’m sure I’ve been that same person in the few times I’ve run into you Wil
I just remembered I had a dream last night about zombies, thanks!
I hate to say it but I always think in my head what would happen if I met Denise Crosby or Wil?
Of course, I’d stay calm and collected and tell them how much I love their work (and how much Tasha Yar has meant to me for Denise)
NO! I would have a breakdown and start babbling like a crazy person ruining any chance that they would look at me like anything other than an insane stalker-and forget playing against you in a future game of poker, I’d be lucky to get within 10 feet before your bodyguard or your guard dog would pummel me.
If I ever have the chance to meet you, I will be almost the exact same way, I just know it. At least now I’ll have something to refer people to when asked to describe the event. 🙂
Freaking out when meeting someone is the sincerest form of flattery.
Seriously, who do you believe more? The dude who’s all worried about how he looks and how cool he is and whether you’re impressed with him? Or the guy who is beside himself with delight over meeting someone who clearly means a huge amount to him?
I’m usually calm enough when meeting people I really admire, except when I met Katee Sackhoff. I was a squealing freak and showed her my ring that I wore for years because Starbuck wore one. Mere choking would have been a mercy.
And just from reading here, I think you’d be a fantastic person to get stuck in an elevator with, because: a) full of excellent stories, well told, b) a calm and patient parent with a heart, c) turbolift references never get old!
i understand the nervous thing. i hate meeting new people. i can’t even meet santa at the mall without turning light-saber red. sometimes i stutter, too. i can’t imagine meeting a celebrity. i’d be red for a week.
LOL! Aww, I have a couple of stories that kind of sound like that. One involves a lot of nervous babbling over the course of a convention, too many requests for autographs and a terrifyingly embarrassing five page fan letter. At the end of this said celebrity still did not treat me like I was stupid. (Although he called me a “kid” to my mom and I was 23 at the time.)
This story makes me laugh and reminds me again how you’re just a geek like us. I’m sure you came off as much cooler than you think you did.
Also, please know that “GET OUT OF THERE YOU COCKASS…” made me laugh so hard I now have a sore throat. Darn you and your entertaining writing! Thanks for sharing, Wil!
Awww… you’re probably exaggerating.
BTW 😉 When I met you… you tried to walk away.
LOL
@Alicia: Actually, no. When I’m not in college, I live in Somerset, PA. My little sister and I convinced my mom to make the over 300 mile drive to Red Bank because it was Kevin, Jason, and two of the kids from Degrassi: The Next Generation. Took Mom overnight to decide to do it, and our dad said she was insane. The resulting pictures from the trip made me cool senior year for about three weeks. It’s also one of the many reasons my friends think my mom is one of the coolest mothers alive. 🙂
Hey Wil, thanks for sharing that story…very hilarious. When I met you after a show you did at the Acme one time, I was all mega nervous. When I finally got a chance to talk to you for a minute later on, before you left, I’d had a couple beers and was more relaxed. Both times you were totally cool and friendly, though. Anyhow, it’s funny to realize nobody is immune from being “star-struck” sometimes.
I’ve kind of had good and bad experiences meeting folks over the years.
I seem to do pretty well meeting B5 actors, for some reason. I remember in ’99 or ’00 when Andreas Katsulas came to Dragon*Con. G’Kar is flat out one of the best things about B5, and from all accounts from the set Andreas was the big reason for that. I was standing there while he signed some stuff for me, and I seemed to recall that he was a Shakespearean actor before doing TV and film. It prompted me to ask him what his favorite Shakespeare was. He paused to consider it for a moment, looked up, and said only: “Lear.” I mentioned I had never read it. “You should,” he said. I haven’t gotten around to it yet, but I do have a copy on my shelf. I was very sad when he passed away a few years back.
At the opposite end of the spectrum, of course, is meeting Tricia Helfer. Not only is she drop dead gorgeous, she’s TALL. I’m 6′ 1″, and she’s a little taller than I am! When she stood up from behind the table to get a picture with me, I felt like the guy in The Fifth Element meeting the diva for the first time: looking up, trying not to drool, stammering something about how tall she was. It was like meeting an Amazon.
Isn’t it great that there are people out there who so impress us so much that they turn us into sweaty-hand-mumblers when we meet them? It might be embarrassing as heck, but at least it proves we still have the capacity to be amazed and impressed.
Great story! But tell us, does the voice in your head always sound like Eric Cartman? Because that would be scary.
Oh damn! Thanks for the first laugh of my day. Great parallel drawing. 🙂
As the many comments before me can attest, we’ve all been there. I’ve spazzed so often I wonder why anyone even lets me go to conventions anymore.
The part that screams total irony for you though is that everytime you further entrench yourself in absolute geekdom, it only makes your fans appreciate you even more, which will result in more spastic fan encounters for you!
You are caught in a vicious cycle of fan spazzing! Hope you enjoy (hehe).
Thanks for sharing, Wil! It’s nice to know you famous-types (come on, you know you are!) get the same way we fan girls/fan boys get when we’re around you famous-types. I almost failed my saving throw a few years ago when I met Sean Astin at Gen Con Indy. It was my first game convention ever, and all I did was stand in line for an hour and a half to get his autograph. By the time I got up to him, though, I had no clue what to say except “I wish I had a “Goonies” DVD for you to autograph” (he was signing something from my LOTR DVDs). He was very nice and gracious, shook my hand and signed, and then it was done. I wish I had taken my camera with me to get a pic, too. The following year, he gave a talk at Origins, which was a lot of fun! I’m happy to have met him, even in that brief moment. Maybe, I’ll get the chance to do the same with you (and possibly Neil Gaiman) one of these days!
Wil, I had a similar experience meeting Allen Ginsberg and Timothy Leary in Lawrence, KS, once. I still break out in a cold sweat when I think about it.
You really captured that feeling here. Nice to know it happens to someone on the other side of the handshake.