A few days after my sixteenth birthday, I lost my Rocky Horror virginity with my best friend, in a shitty little duplex theater in Van Nuys.
I’d wanted to see Rocky since I was ten or eleven on my way to an audition and my mom drove us past a marquee advertising a midnight showing every Saturday. My parents couldn’t or wouldn’t tell me what it was about (my memory is hazy on that specific detail) but anything that happened at midnight on a Saturday sounded great to me. The creepy lettering and word “horror” in the title only increased my antici . . . pation.
Darin and I were at a place on Van Nuys Boulevard called Cafe 50s. These fifties cafes were everywhere in the eighties (some blame Stand By Me and Back to the Future for their popularity) but this particular one was my favorite. Though I’ve never actually been in a diner in the fifties, this one felt the most authentic, which means it copied what I’d seen in movies better than anything else, and had Del Shannon’s Runaway on the jukebox.
We gorged ourselves on patty melts and chocolate shakes and vanilla Cokes while we talked about all the things that seemed important after you discovered girls, like how to actually, you know, talk to one and convince her to take an unforgettable trip with you to second base for sixteen seconds of passion. We argued about the time travel paradoxes in Back to the Future, confirmed that quoting Monty Python to the 24 year-old waitress is not the best way to get a stand up double when you’re sixteen (or ever) and admitted that Michael Keaton was a vastly superior Batman than we’d been prepared to give him credit for. In other words, it was a Saturday night like any other, and as midnight (and the restaurant’s closing) drew near, our attention turned toward that most important of teenage activities: doing anything but going home.
“Have you ever seen Rocky?” Darin asked.
“God, I hate that stupid movie,” I said. “And the sequels are even worse. It’s like, we know he’s going to win, so why waste our time wi –“
“I mean Rocky Horror.” He said.
“Oh.” I said. “No, but I’ve always wanted to.”
“It’s playing across the street at midnight. We should go.”
As quickly as I’d gotten excited to see it, I lost my nerve. Through the pre-internet grapevine that gave teens of my generation the truth about Mikey from Life cereal (“Ohmygod he died by eating pop rocks and drinking coke”) I’d heard about Rocky virgins being deflowered in horrifying ways (“Ohmygod this guy I know went to see it in Santa Monica and they made him take off his clothes and wrote VIRGIN on his chest in lipstick!”)
“Don’t they do horrible things to people who haven’t seen it?” I said in my most nonchalant voice, grateful that it didn’t crack.
“Not really,” he said, “but if you’re worried about it, we won’t say anything.”
“Okay,” I said, my excitement returning.
The waitress came back by our table. “Can I get you guys anything else?”
Before I could demand a shrubbery, Darin said, “Could we get some slightly burnt white toast?”
The waitress and I gave him the same curious look. He smiled enigmatically.
Twenty minutes later, we bought our tickets, burnt toast in my pocket, butterflies rising in my stomach. We stood in a line that grew to about two dozen people and waited for the theater to open. I made nervous smalltalk with Darin, talking a little too loudly about the great cast they had in . . . I think I chose Huntington Beach.
The doors opened a few minutes before midnight, and we walked into a theater that, Tardis-like, seemed bigger on the inside than it appeared on the outsider: dirty blue and orange curtains hung on the walls. Two aisles separated three groups of squeaky blue seats. The floor was painted a dark navy blue — blue seemed to be a recurring theme in this particular theater — and was appropriately sticky. We chose seats on the aisle near the back. I should have been freaked out when a guy sat down a few aisles in front of us and lit a cigarette, but being rebel-adjacent excited me.
The theater quickly got as full as it was going to get. It seemed that most of the audience knew each other, especially the four people who huddled together at the front of the house, next to the screen.
A dude with long black hair and bright red lipstick emerged from the group, and spoke to the audience. I can’t remember what he said, because when he began, a hand tapped me on the shoulder. I looked up and saw the most phenomenally beautiful girl in the world standing in the aisle. She had short black hair in a Bettie Page cut, bright green eyes, full red lips. She wore a red corset that fit her . . . perfectly.
She bent over and said, “are you a virgin?”
I was, in every way that mattered, and in that moment I would have pushed my mother in front of a train on its way into a lake of fire if it meant that this girl would remove from me this . . . condition.
If I’d been standing, I’m certain I would have fainted. “W-what?” I stammered.
She extended one hand and caressed my face. She repeated herself, even more seductively than the first time.
My voice cracked as I said “YES!” a little too loudly.
Her eyes flashed and she squeaked – squeaked! – a little. “This is going to be fun.”
She stood up abruptly and hollered, “I have a virgin!”
“A VIRGIN!” Replied much of the audience.
Before I knew what was happening, she stood me up, had me repeat some oath that I’ve sinceforgotten, and spanked me. I remained fully clothed, but by the time I was done, I was soaked through after everyone in the theater sprayed me with their squirt guns and spray bottles. As quickly as it started, it was over, and she disappeared before I could get her number.
My deflowering was, like most people’s, nothing like I’d hoped for or expected, but it was still magical. I loved every second of it.
While other regulars repeated similar rituals with a few other virgins in the audience I looked at Darin. He looked back, mirroring my disbelief.
“That was awesome!” I said. Not only had a girl practically showed me her boobs, she’d touched my face! Seductively! And talked to me! And squirted me with a squirt gun! I was beside myself, and the movie hadn’t even started yet.
The lights went down, and the show began. I didn’t know any of the lines, but I quickly figured out what to yell at Brad and Janet. I threw my toast. I did the Time Warp. I watched the girl who’d taken my Rocky virginity play Magenta, which is probably why Magenta is still my favorite character in the whole show to this very day, twenty years later.
When it was over, we drove back to La Crescenta in my slightly-better-than-Patrick-Stewart’s Honda Prelude, blasting New Order the whole way with the sunroof open and the windows down. I dropped Darin off at his house, and though I got back to mine around 3, I didn’t fall asleep until the sun came up, I was so loaded with caffeine, sugar, adrenaline.
The movie, of course, was campy and not especially good, but that wasn’t the point. It was a shared experience, a place for misfits of all stripes to gather once a week, and fly our Transylvanian freak flags. For the next two years, Darin and I lead an ever-growing group of our friends to Rocky at least once a month, usually more, at the Rialto theater in South Pasadena. I haven’t been since 1991 or 1992, but those years — and the film itself — hold a very special place in my memory.
This is why we must do whatever it takes to stop MTV from making their High School Musicalized remake of The Rocky Horror Picture Show, adding new songs — new fucking songs! — because just remaking it isn’t offensive enough.
Online petitions are pointless and don’t do anything, but we can still visit Stop the Remake dot Com to feel like we’re doing something to stop this travesty from occurring.
Don’t dream it, be it.
(Snap o’ the garter to Cherie Priest, who posted the petition link a couple of days ago)
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You’d make an awesome Riff Raff, dude.
“rebel-adjacent” = hilarious.
Great story, Wil.
WHAT?! No, no, no. Don’t fuck with Rocky Horror. Just don’t.
great story – no, great writing as usual man. It’s one of my few regrets that I didn’t take the chance to see the Rocky Horror in the old Classic cinema in Dublin before it closed down. It had been running for nigh on 20 years and seemed like it would run for 20 more but I kept saying “maybe next week…”
I saw it once; I think everyone should 🙂
Not too long after I saw it, the theather closed.
I agree, new songs? it must be stopped.
“They may do some more… folk dancing.”
Awesome story, Wil. Brings me back to the days of the Cinema 35 in Paramus, NJ. I did a spell as the Great White Virgin Hunter – I even had my own pith helmet.
I was always fascinated with how Rocky could absorb any piece of pop culture that was current. We’d add Twin Peaks lines, Ren & Stimpy references, Airplane quotes.
Yeah, the movie is not good. But Tim Curry gives one of the greatest performances by anybody doing anything in the history of ever. He does the rock, himself.
I think it’s artistically criminal to attempt to remake any of the classics — campy ones or otherwise. They’re classics for a reason, and don’t need updating. Find new material. There’s a lot out there.
I’ll second what Sally J. said: Great story. It brought me back to my first time seeing Rocky Horror at the midnight movies at a nearby mall when I was 17. Only, a close friend of mine who’d been before was the one to reveal my Rocky virginity and my younger brother’s. Certainly an experience to remember.
MTV is so fired.
Also, corsets are really damn comfy and supportive. I wish they’d come back into mainstream fashion.
I’m the “official groupie” for the Rocky cast in Orlando (www.richweirdoes.com), and I want to THANK YOU for posting this. MTV needs to be stopped. Seriously.
– Kelly
I would add that, in my opinion, it seems people who are attempting to, or actually do make remakes are simply reaching to make a name for themselves by riding the coat tails of someone else’s success or popularity, rather than making their own name based on an original effort.
There’s a reason most remakes suck, too.
I mean, really, think about it. Never mind Rocky Horror. Can you imagine a remake of Casablanca, Gone With The Wind, Easy Rider, Raiders of the Lost Ark, Dances With Wolves, Stand By Me, or any number of others?
Not in a million years. Not ever.
What’s next? Re-writing the classic novels?
There are some movies that are so unique they are impossible to remake.
I also haven’t seen Rocky Horror in years and years. I thought it was pretty good, and delightfully weird and perverted. It’s like ice cream – you wouldn’t want it for every meal, but life would suck without it.
My Rocky Horror experience was ruined by the fact that my mother was an early devotee of the Midnight showings complete with costume. I always associate it with being left home alone.
Man, I hate when I disagree with you, Wil, but as someone who’s seen Rocky several hundred times and directed my own cast, I just can’t hate what MTV’s doing here.
If anything, I think this can be GOOD for Rocky Horror as a fan experience – there are few regular casts left anymore, the movie is 30 years old, and interest is at an all-time low. No matter what MTV does, it won’t take away Richard O’Brian’s creation, but it could very well guide more people toward it.
In the end, there’s a very simple way to never have to worry about MTV’s version – don’t go see it. Don’t buy the swag. But if people who do go see it become curious, what’s the harm in more people having their first O’brian-Rocky deflowering?
i just peed laughing.
all these damn remakes make me sick, though. but remaking the rocky horror picture show?
that’s taking it way too far.
Preach it, dude.
And of course, you already know how I feel about this issue. *sigh*
Wow. Thanks for taking me waaay back to some fond Rocky Horror memories. I did Columbia – why did the cute guys always go for Magenta?!
Wow, Wil. Just wow.
My Rocky Deflowering was somewhat less dramatic than yours. It was during my senior year of high school *mumble mumble* years ago with a tiny audience at the Topanga Theatre (where I also went on my first date the previous year [Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan – honest]). The tiny audience must have all been virgins except for my friends (who were theater geeks one and all). *sigh*
A few years later I had seen RHPS several times at that Van Nuys theater with my at-the-time-boyfriend – it was great to finally see it the way G-d meant it to be seen – with toast and flying toilet paper. I’ve since wanted to go dressed as Magenta.
(BTW, loved that Cafe 50s, too – it was the site of another first date – with aforementioned at-the-time-boyfriend. Thanks for bringing back the memories, Wil.)
Oh, and petition is duly signed.
I very distinctly remember driving myself to see Batman.
Which means I was 16 when it came out.
Which means you were 16 when it came out.
Which means that if you were discussing Keaton as Batman right before you saw Rocky then it was a few days after your 17th birthday.
Plus, it is rated R so you would have had to be 17 to get in.
I didn’t see it until I was 18 and in college. And I chickened out on the virgin initiation.
I, too, saw Rocky Horror the first time at 16 after begging my mother on the phone for half an hour to let me stay out past my curfew. To this day I believe that is the reason I have a thing for cross dressers. Tim Curry was so damn hot!
I first saw RHPS at about age 16, at a theater on Queens Boulevard in Forest Hills, New York (I’ve forgotten the name of the theater). 8 or 9 of us piled into my friend Scott’s old junker; my friend Gary got slapped for looking in the wrong direction (he was folded up in the footwell of the back seat). Sitting in the last row (F**K THE BACK ROW) of the balcony of this grand old movie house, fully armed with rice, toast, toilet paper…
We also acquired a bootlegged video tape of the movie to practice on. My dad wanted to see it – and wouldn’t let us do the audience shtick! Man, that turkey is the worst, Grade Z piece of crap EVER… except the sequel. (“I need a little – oooh – shock treatment!”)
I met my best friend at RHPS in college. For Halloween my senior year, the University Movies (which usually got first or second run movies to show in the largest lecture hall each weekend for about $3 a head) decided to run RHPS – at 6, 8 and 10, instead of midnight. I went to the 8pm show, and apart from 3 or 4 folks at the bottom of the lecture hall, gamely trying to do a floor show, I was the only one doing lines. I decided that was pathetic, so I shelled out another 3 bucks and stood to go in for the 10pm. A face in black fright wig and pancake makeup popped around the door, sized me up and said, “Can you do Eddie?” (I’m a big boy – over 250# at the time.) “No,” said I, “I usually do the Criminologist.” “Good!” said the face, as a hand grabbed my shirtfront and yanked. “We need you, too!” We’ve been best friends ever since.
As I replied on Twitter the other week, that is just FUCKTARDED!!!
Rocky Horror and I have a long history. It is in my fave 5. My best friend and I in high school, would get together almost weekly, take over his parents’ living room and have our own Rocky Horror night. Some of my best memories of high school. We still, over half our lives later, get together from time to time to have a Rocky night.
Have never had the opportunity to see it in a movie theatre though. They did the play version of it here not too long ago.
When I lived in Victoria, this little theatre across the street from me showed it 3 times a week, however, at that time I was way too young to get in and watch it. By the time I was old enough to watch it in theatre, we had moved to a very very small city that (at the time)would have never showed anything like that because it is riske.
One day it will happen, oh yes it will. *runs of gleefully*
Alan: Hurm. Maybe it was just before my birthday, then? It was in summer, and I hadn’t yet turned 17. Much of this is a blur, but I recall being slightly nervous that they’d check my ID. When I mentioned this concern to Darin, who was a RHPS veteran, he just laughed.
Sure enough, they didn’t check my ID.
CherieL I got the link to the petition from your blog. I owe you a h/t, which I’m updating right now.
I haven’t thought about the old Rialto in years!!! As much as I hated living in La Crusty, we sure had some cool places to go nearby.
We always went to Rose City Diner in Pasadena for the 50’s experience. I can still taste those lime rickeys and chili fries.
Memory is weird. I think it would be just as likely that it was a few days after your 16th but that you didn’t talk about Batman. It doesn’t really matter in the story anyway and I wouldn’t have even brought it up if I didn’t have this damned compulsion to quibble.
Anyone want to join my angry, torch bearing mob and go to NYC to burn down MTV’s headquarters?
Anyone want to join my angry, torch bearing mob and go to NYC to burn down MTV’s headquarters?
Yeah, I’m gonna go ahead and advise you not to do that.
Rocky Horror Fans of the World Unite!
I saw the film thanks to my mom, but I wasn’t deflowered until I was 13. They auctioned off the virgins to people in the audience, and we had flashers. 🙂
I used to go a couple of times a year with my best friend. Sadly, the place we went to closed down because of the city’s parking charges turning away business. It was a great place, and once the guy playing Frank-n-Furter sat on my lap while he was singing. It was quite awkward, but always a fun story to tell.
I was supposed to be a part of my college’s shadowcast last year at Halloween. The director was awful, forcing me and other cast members to quit because of her lack of commitment.
Stupid remakes. Is nothing sacred?
I, too, had recently turned 16 when I saw RHPS for the first time, and was also scared of being de-virginized. After the first night, though, I was hooked. 15 years later, I’m now an RHPS cast director, and perform several roles (including Magenta 😉 ).
The only positive the MTV version might have that I can see is that it might draw more people to the midnight showings, which would definitely be nice. But the idea of “Denton High School Musical” makes me shiver, and NOT in antici … (you know.)
Thanks for the smiles and shared memories, Wil. I owe more to that particular cult phenomenon than I’m entirely prepared to admit – but for starters, there are 3 children (well, two children and a young woman who turns 21 next week) who wouldn’t even exist if it weren’t for that movie.
As for the remake…*sigh*…it was bound to happen eventually. If they go through with it, let’s hope it meets with the fate it deserves.
The shrubbery line just cracks me up. I love Monty Python.
I never got to go to a Midnight show of “Rocky Horror”. My parents were too strict so I missed out on a lot of cool things growing up.
I have gotten to do the fun bits with a couple of theater groups at cast parties though. My son went to one of them with me when he was 12. He enjoyed it as much as I did.
It’s not everyone that will let you throw food in their house. Such fun memories. Now I just need to be able to do a Midnight show.
Rocky Horror at the Rialto!
Wil, my easily distracted mind asks this question: What year Prelude did you have?
Our first car was a 1980 Prelude. I wish we still had it.
I’ve never seen Rocky Horror but the thought of MTV remaking it has set my teeth to gnash and I am looking for things to rend…
a) “rebel-adjacent” is just a great turn of phrase, and
b) there’s a whole generation of awkward teens who found their tribe though Rocky, isn’t there? and
c) I kinda have to agree with the person who said this isn’t necessarily a bad thing– I think it’ll be so, so bad that it’ll drive people to find out what the hell made the original so special. Kinda like the way that Bee Gees/Frampton movie ended up boosting sales of the Beatles’ “Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band” LP.
RHPS is my favorite movie ever made. i’ve never had the chance to see a midnight showing with audience participation, but I will eventually. I don’t know how to feel about the remake. On the one hand they will probably totally screw it up and make it a total piece of crap. On the other hand, hopefully it will revitalize interest in the original. I guess time will tell.
Oh, and “Don’t dream it, be it.” is one of my quotes on Facebook so that part made me smile big time. Excellent story and excellent writing Wil.
Done. This is something that cannot be allowed. Is nothing sacred anymore?
Ah, there’s that wonderful storytelling that I love to read. Great story. And a pox upon MTV. They haven’t been relevant or entertaining in years. It makes me sad. I’m a month older than that station and I grew up watching music videos. Now they suck. Especially because of this.
The waitress came back by our table. “Can I get you guys anything else?”
Before I could demand a shrubbery, Darin said, “Could we get some slightly burnt white toast?”
That, sir, is comedy gold. I just almost spit beer at the computer screen. It’s so easy to envision two geeky teens sitting in a diner harassing the waitress with Monty Python quotes. Good mental image. 🙂
Thanks for sharing the story and the petition.
And I agree with VT – when worn correctly corsets are quite comfortable. It makes me miss my theatre days…
I lost my Rocky Horror Virginity a few months ago while I was still 17. I remember right when I walked in I was asked if I was a virgin not knowing what he really meant. I said yes and I had a virgin sticker placed on me. When they called all virgins to the front they made us all eat baby food in front of everyone. Then a man dressed as Tim Currys character made me show my nipple to him for a twizzler. Good times. Singing along was also fun too. 🙂
Yes, i agree, great story!
I’m so glad I saw Rocky Horror in the late 70’s instead…they left us virgins alone 🙂
thank you for posting this! *points to username* RHPS is a huge part of my life (i’ve even attended cons just for it!) and when i heard about this, i was suitably appalled. however, this is nowhere near the first time someone has tried to remake RHPS and hopefully, this one gets shut down too.
and you got off easy. i got Riff’s tongue in my ear at MY virgin sacrifice!
Wow. I don’t even remember my first time. Rocky became our default midnight movie if no greats like Platoon or Die Hard or Return to Horror High were playing.
The last time I remember going was Halloween night in Atlanta. It was a much more elaborate setting than what I grew up with. My college roommate almost punched me when I outed him as a virgin.
Just the other night we were talking about our dream cast for a remake: Eddie Izzard as Frankenfurter, Jack Black as Eddie, … and that was as far as we could agree on.
Signed.
“I’ve never seen it, but I am totally against MTV and everything they do and have done in the past 15or so years. MTV, please stop. Seriously. Your exploitation of the minds of America, nay, the world, are enough to make me want to slap the shit into each and every one of you exec’s who are so out of touch with youth today, but so greedy you’re willing to embarrass yourselves to the point where only valley girl’s and pathetic emo boys think you’re cool.
How do you sleep at night? Please, please, please, do no remake another classic into one of your massive shitfests, have you’ve done so many times.”
What a neat story, Wil! As someone currently involved with the cast that performs at the Rialto, it’s always really awesome to hear about happy memories of the place.
Rocky at the Rialto is still going strong and is currently on a monthly schedule — although the theater is otherwise closed for normal business. In fact, if you happened into a show you’d almost certainly still see the same guy performing as Dr. Frank-N-Furter that you saw back then. He’s been performing that role there for longer than a large percentage of our current audience has been alive, and he’s still amazing at it.
I think MTV will end up producing something the kids like, I mean they are good at that. It’s frustrating to think of them changing things around, but to look at the situation positively, this whole thing could very well cause that audience to get interested in the original experience that’s still going on in theaters all over the country (the world, actually… Rocky in French is a pretty weird concept but they seem to make it work.)
Either way, nothing they can really do would stop all of us from wanting to keep on making Rocky Horror happen week in and week out. Quite possibly all the way to the heat death of the universe… Rocky people do tend to get a little fixated 🙂
signed the petition! thanks, wil…as a 53 year old grandmother I want my grandchildren to see rocky horror the way god and richard o’brien intended.
High School Musical version? WT …?!
No way MTV!
On the other hand, you never know, it could make [them] a ma…a…a…a…annnnn ….
I’m ashamed to admit that I’ve never seen Rocky HPS. My kids have both been to the Rialto for the midnight showing, and I’ve been tempted to go with them – but how uncool would it be for them to be sitting with their mom.
However, I enjoy the prospect of the virgin status, in any capacity, at my age. And I can still have the antici….pation of someday having this experience.
There is a way to let MTV know of our displeasure… First, take your remote control, and erase MTV from your channel line-up… Then, call your cable provider, and ask them to drop MTV (and MTV-lite, formerly known as VH1, which used to be a good channel) from their basic cable line-up, and explain to them why you are making this request… if enough people make these kinds of requests, it probably won’t make the cable companies drop MTV, but will make them tell MTV what’s happening…
zizban – count me in. i’m just a couple of hours south of NYC. already have the pitchfork in the backyard.
Hey Wil, great writing today.
Thought you might enjoy this story about Blobfest, in my town. It taps into the same kind of feeling (and the accompanying multimedia show has a pic of our theater on Blobfest weekend, with Rocky Horror on the marquee!).
http://tinyurl.com/6a7s6d
You should totally come next year.
Ah, the memories! I remember the first time I ever saw RHPS. I was in college, and a few friends of mine found out it was playing on TV (I know, not the real, live version, but close enough). We got together for the evening and had a great time. It was one of the first times I’d ever hung out with my now husband. While watching the show, we found out that we both liked Monty Python. So, every day for a week after classes were over, we popped in one of his VHS copies of the various MP movies and sat back for some rolicking fun! By the end of the week, we were a couple, and now, twelve years later, we’re enjoying being the parents of a 2-year-old who will probably grow up with MP and RHPS, too. It’s funny how things work out, isn’t it?
Awesome story, man!
What’s even worse, I heard they plan to make a sequel to “Stand By Me”. Here’s the treatment …
“Stand By Me … Again”
The year is 1980. Ted “Teddy” DuChamp (Corey Feldman) is now thirty-something and divorced, a single dad still trying to quiet the demons placed in his head by his own abusive father. One day, he runs into his old friend Gordie (Wil Wheaton), now a best-selling novelist whose marriage is also on the rocks. And along with their dopey — but no longer overweight — friend Vern (Jerry O’Connell), they embark on a wilderness retreat. What they find during those three days will change their lives forever … again. (HINT: IT’S ANOTHER DEAD BODY!!!)
Just kidding, of course. I hope somebody has the good sense to realize it’s impossible to catch lightning in a bottle like this twice. The “Time Warp” was not meant to be taken literally.