Anne and I took Nolan out to Glendale tonight for this art thing he likes to do. After we dropped him off, Anne said, “Hey, I want to have a dinner date with my husband.”
Bonus, unexpected dinner dates are always awesome, so I didn’t even put up token resistance, and we had an awesome meal together while Nolan did his thing a few blocks away.
When we were finished, Nolan met us in the parking garage, and wanted to drive home. He’s had his permit for about 5 weeks, and though he’s a very competent and careful driver, we were both a little nervous about letting him drive on the freeway at night.
“You’ve never driven on the freeway at night,” Anne said. “Maybe we should just take side streets.”
“But the freeway is much faster, and we have Family Guy on TiVo at home,” Nolan said.
“We’re concerned that you don’t have a lot of nighttime freeway driving experience,” she said, invoking the dreaded Royal We.
He put his hand on my shoulder and quite seriously said, “Wil, how am I going to get that experience if I don’t drive on the freeway at night?”
I looked at Anne. “He has a point,” I said.
I felt like The Old Man, the keys to my car a Red Rider Carbine Action Range Model Air Rifle With A Compass In The Stock And This Thing That Tells Time.
“Okay, just be careful,” Anne said. I can’t be certain, but I think I heard her add, “just don’t shoot your eye out.”
A few minutes later, as we drove down the freeway, I sat quietly and gently nudged Nolan with driving reminders. He’s really quite good, and I didn’t have to point out too many things to him, but on one ramp, one of those spiffy milk carton-looking Scions sped up and cut in front of us without using a turn indicator.
“You’ve got to watch for drivers like that,” I said, “and remember my fundamental rule of driving, which is . . .? “
Nolan scrunched up his face like he was thinking, and said, “Don’t be a dick?”
“That’s my fundamental rule for life,” I said. “My fundamental rule for driving is –“
“Oh, everyone on the road is an idiot, and they’re actively trying to kill you.” He said.
“That’s the one,” I said.
“I got it,” he said.
“But, you know, you can use them both,” I said.
“Okay, Wil,” he said, patiently. “I got it.”
“If you need them,” I added.
“I’m trying to drive here, Wil.” He said.
“Sorry.”
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Good rules. 🙂
Your fundamental rule of driving sounds almost exactly like my late father’s rule of driving, with a few changes.
Your Rule: Everyone on the road is an idiot, and they’re actively trying to kill you.
Dad’s Rule: All drivers in Pennsylvania are dumbasses, with the exception of your mother. Oh, and they don’t call the drivers in Massachusetts “Massholes” because it’s funny.
Ah, join the club. My 16 year old daughter started driving about a month ago. I have not yet been out with her since my wife takes her. Apparently the kid has only asked, uh, 6 or 7 times which side of the road we drive on. But, no highway driving yet. 🙂
Oops hit the post too fast.
The only rules I got were from my grandfather. Everybody else on the road is a “damn jerk.” It seems that I learned this at age 4 when I looked out the window and announced to mom “look at all the damn jerks.”
I carpool about 90 miles a day (round trip) to my day job as a computer programmer and an additional 20 to 30 miles to my 2nd job as a music teacher. In our carpool we’ve all adopted the “Don’t Be A Dick” rule. When we see somebody zoom past us on the right at 80+ MPH or see somebody zip across 3 lanes with no turn signals at least one of us has to say “Hey! He just broke the rule” to which we all answer in unison “Don’t Be A Dick!”
Now, if I could only get one of those “Wil Says . . .” shirts.
After a horrible rear end accident 5 years ago, it took me months before I stopped watching every car behind me to see if it was going to break in time.
I’m with you Wil, they are out trying to kill you! 🙂
“That’s my fundamental rule for life,” I said. “My fundamental rule for driving is –”
“Oh, everyone on the road is an idiot, and they’re actively trying to kill you.”
Strangely enough, that’s my fundamental rule for life.
My dad combined both rules into:
The masses are asses.
You and I are so much alike in some ways that it’s a little eerie. Our rules are just the same.
That’s a great story, and those are great rules.
But now I’m going to have that song in my head the rest of the night.
I think that must be one of the most succinct and accurate summaries of the concept of defensive driving that I’ve ever heard…
When I started driving I would quote Car Wars to my parental units. “Drive Offensively” was not well received.
Excellent recall on A Christmas Story and that fine moment Dad had with his son. Congratulations. I think all Dad’s dream of having that moment with their boys. It’s the reason Dads were invented.
When I read posts like this, it cracks me up that you used to call me “old”.
Very good rules. Somebody should really put them on some stone tablets or something.
“Everyone on the road is an idiot, and they’re actively trying to kill you.”
Yes, that’s my rule also.
Jimmy Buffet had it right.
My #1 rule for life is slightly different than yours:
Return to others what they give to you. That means that if someone’s a jerk, then they better expect me to be a jerk back to them. Courtesy is important. Forgive them the first instance, it might just be one of those days and they might not have intended you to be the recipient.
#2 rule is:
Try not to swear unless you’re extremely upset. Then people actually know when you are upset.
Yup. I’m only just looking at learning to drive, but my old pushbike rule of “All road users are blind, stupid and homicidally insane” seems to still apply.
I can handle bars and cyclepaths, but not cars and psychopaths…
My #1 rule for driving is:
“Never assume anyone on the road knows what they’re doing, including yourself.”
My husband has a similar motto:
“Just imagine everyone else is a blithering idiot, hell bent on your destruction.”
The sad part about both of your motto’s is…it’s sad…but TRUE!
Learning to drive via Car Wars!
That is the driving rule I live by.
I wish my dad was as cool about teaching me to drive as you are with Nolan. I drove with him two or three times and then asked for mom every time after. He didn’t give good constructive criticism, he simply yelled about everything as if I was about to run into a train head-on.
Good post. I tend not to laugh even at funny things, but this was funny.
Has anyone seen this Star Wars tribute yet??
I read this and then 5 minutes later was stuck with Cat Stevens running through my head.
Yeah, surely you’ve dropped “Drive Offensively” on him. Fnord.
Does it ever bother you that he calls you by your first name?
Just wondering….
I totally fail as an American. I’m 27 & don’t have a driver’s license. I figure if I fail the test 3 times, am scared of the interstate & can’t park well I probably shouldn’t drive. I wish other people realized they shouldn’t really be driving either
As a bike commuter your rule for driving is 100% correct and very good advice.
Awesome advice for all, as usual. I hope to be such a cool dad in the passenger seat, but I imagine more of the Sam Kinison driving instructor method. Only 12 years to go and find out…
I love your kids. You are a great dad. And you are correct. The idiots will try and actively kill you.
Lorraine
Wow, was it only three months ago I was sitting behind the wheel for the first time? There’s a whole crazy adventure story behind my learning to drive, but essentially, I went from never-driven-a-car-before-in-my-life, to licensed driver in three weeks. Scary right? Oh and my first time driving on the freeway: at night. Actually my first time driving on a road around other cars was at night.
Hehheh, your fundamental rule of driving is what I tell my 9 yr. old when she insistes on “driving” the shopping cart around the grocery store.
Obviously, nobody thinks of themselves as a stupid driver. But even if it isn’t true, it’s a good attitude to have.
I got rear-ended last week by some young girl that locked up her brakes coming down a hill on wet pavement. She didn’t have insurance (*sigh* they never do), but luckily the damage is just cosmetic. She knocked a little paint off my bumper.
One thing my brother taught me about driving: There are 5 cars to watch for: the one behind you, the one in front of you, the one on your left, the one on your right, and the one you don’t see coming. As a side note, he also told me the car that will always hit you is the one you don’t see.
Patty,
Does it ever bother you that he calls you by your first name?
Just wondering….
Not that Wil can’t explain himself, but let me add this fact to the pile…
Ryan (in college) and Nolan are Anne’s children from a previous marriage.
Extrapolating from my own experience as part of a re-married family, it’s probably the way they keep relationships straight. I never called my step-mother “mom”, I called her by her first name. Not as a barrier, but because she wasn’t in fact, my mother.
Just my $.018.
Hehe, the tail end of that little story is perfect. 🙂
My dad used to make small talk with me when he took me out to practice driving… then he’d complain that I wasn’t paying attention to my surroundings, like I was distracted or something. Sheesh.
This makes me smile.
Dang, man. When I was his age, I was so freaking afraid to drive a car. It took me years to even be comfortable driving on a highway at any time of day. Most of the time I’d stick to the access roads and such. Once when I was a really new driver, my parents tried to get me to drive home from church—ON I-95 IN NORTHERN VIRGINIA. Holy cow, I started crying. So my dad drove us home, but seemed really angry.
Now I know that highway driving is absolutely the best kind of driving and I actually like it.
That sounds a lot like my rule for driving. Always look out for the other guy, because he’s sure as anything not looking out for you. Also, As unfair as it seems, jerks always have the right of way.
Wait until your kid comes home with a Buell, if you don’t know what that is, do a Google, needless to say Dad puckered up HARD!
I think it’s awesome, the way you treat your kids. You respect them, which teaches them how to respect others.
You also don’t candy coat your advice, which I think is why it’s so much more effective than the advice me or my friends were given way back in the day.
He put his hand on my shoulder and quite seriously said, “Wil, how am I going to get that experience if I don’t drive on the freeway at night?”
I looked at Anne. “He has a point,” I said.
Congrats on successfully raising a son who can think for himself.
This reminds me of when I was learning to drive. You are WAY better than my parents. My mom used to make this huge GASP every time I made any sharp movements. The last time, I swerved to miss an orange cone that some idiot had knocked into the road. She gasped so loud it set my heart racing. I refused to drive with her after that. A friend of the family finished teaching me how to drive.
Your first rule of driving is exactly why I am TERRIFIED to drive and do not have a license.
I used to work at an auto auction north of San Diego, driving cars from wherever they were at the time to the auction house. I’ve also made the trip up and down the Left Coast a few times. As such, I’ve managed to characterize the poor drivers along the way:
In San Diego, they’re staring fixedly at where they’re going, and don’t even know you’re there.
In LA, they know you’re there – they just don’t care.
From Portland to Seattle, they know you’re there – and they’re not happy about it.
THANK GOD my kids are 3 and 1. I only have to worry about them swallowing coins, breaking furniture, dumping juice on my laptop (again, grrr), and keep them from killing each other.
Although it *would* be nice to be able to dump my kids at some class and have a real, live dinner date with my husband.
Excuse me – the 3 year old is chasing the 1 year old with play-doh scisors and it’s all fun and games until someone…
The first time my son ever put 2 words together to make a sentence, they were: “F*ckin’ drivers!”.
I can’t WAIT until he gets his license!
@Jansbob
Yes, that’s why November 4th was so, so, so, so sad. It was a referendum on the socialization of America. The people knew that they voted for a Marxist globalist.
It’s not that the hard left government will proactively squash dissent – Republicans will simply have to move left to have any hopes of winning majorities.
But that begs the question – what competition is liberalism in the face of socialism? America will never return to the constitutional mandates of limited government, minimal taxation, and freedom and private property.
The people want a free lunch, want government to control their lives, and want to bow to the collective political will of the world at large.
Oops – wrong thread…
Oh lucky Nolan. My first highway driving experience was not as…calm. On family vacation my parents decided after lunch that it was my turn to drive. Unfortunately from the rest stop it was a left-handed merge into the high speed lane and I hadn’t _quite_ gotten to the point where I could look over my right shoulder and not turn the wheel to the left. My mom proceeded to freak out about the cars and then the guardrail and the cars, but the guardrail! But my dad was in the passenger seat and much calmer and managed to help me out. Sadly between my sister and I we managed to make my mom jumpy and even though we’ve been driving for years now (and she even does this in my dad’s car) she will sometimes jump for the handle above the door or push an imaginary brake pedal.
I don’t drive because my mother spent years teaching me how everyone else on the road is a fucktard and how they’ll all crash into me soon as look at me. I will one day calmly explain to my children that the reason they take public transportation to school is because the other drivers are the road are eejits, and a bus is larger than their cars so even when those drivers do try to actively kill them, they’re in the bigger vehicle.
Of course, if you didn’t want to be pushed over, the response should have been, “When you’ve had some more experience driving in daylight on the freeway, we’ll let you try it at night.” But good on you for being brave!
He probably watched too many “The Simpson’s” episodes. Homer. Homer. Homer.
BTW: Off-topic, but good news – Star Trek: The Experience is coming back in 2009!
It has a new home at “Neonopolis” in Las Vegas. 😀