justice is served, edo-style!

I understand that SciFi Channel has just finished serving up a special kind of Justice.

From our first season on TNG, it’s full of growing pains, but it remains one of the most unintentionally hilarious we ever did, and if ever there was an episode worthy of a Riff Track, well, I think this one should get it. Hell, maybe I’ll do it myself.

Anyway, if you’ve just seen it for the first time in recent years or ever, I think you’ll get a kick out of the review/recap that I did for TV Squad:

After dropping some human colonists off in the Strnad solar system, the Enterprise notices a rather nice Class M planet in the nearby Rubicun system, called Rubicun III. Picard sends an away team down to the surface to find out if it’s a good place for some shore leave, and they return with some very good news: it’s clean, it’s beautiful, it’s populated with friendly humanoids . . . and they really like to do the nasty.

“At the drop of a hat,” according to Geordi.

“Any hat,” Tasha says, knowingly.

Picard sends a second, larger team down to the planet to see exactly how many hats they’re going to need. Because every responsible Starfleet parent would want to send their children down to the galaxy’s longest running planetary orgy, he orders Wesley Crusher to see if the planet is a good place for kids to hang out.

[…]

Down on the planet, Wesley is jogging around with his new friends. Unlike the adults, who are busy getting their freak on in Plato’s Retreat, the kids are busy showing off their gymnastic skills. One of the Edo boys walks on his hands! Oh! Wesley got served! But wait! Wesley serves back with some cartwheels and a roundoff, and IT’S ON!

In fact, it’s so on, the girl (who was played by a really sweet girl named Judith Jones, who played my girlfriend on an after school special called My Dad Can’t Be Crazy, Can He?) gets so hot for Wesley, she asks him if he’ll “teach her” how to “play ball.”

Oh, you bet, baby. Uncle Wesley will teach you how to play ball. Why don’t you just slip into this latex bodysuit and put on this wig first, and then we’ll play all sorts of ball, you dirty little bitch.

Uh. What just happened? Sorry about that.

Wesley tells them to get a bat. When they don’t know what it is, he describes Worf’s penis. It’s not awkward at all.

[…]

After extracting a promise that the Edo won’t kill Wesley before sundown, Picard takes Rivan with him back to the Enterprise. Once there, he shows her “god” (this is, quite honestly, a nice little homage to the original series. Whenever Captain Kirk took a hot babe back to the space ship, he showed her god, too. Sometimes, he showed her an entire pantheon of gods. And he never called her back, baby, because that’s just how he rolled, leaving broken hearts all over the galaxy. Awww yeah.) The problem is, god is pissed, and shakes the ship until Picard beams Rivan back down to the planet. Poor Picard, he brought her all the way home, and he didn’t get to drop a single hat.

This review will be in my forthcoming collection of first season reviews, Memories of the Future.

Bonus! If you want to listen to me perform this review, you can enjoy to this audio from the 2008 Phoenix Comicon. Double bonus: you can also hear me read Blue Light Special, from Happiest Days of Our Lives.

Shameless plug: You totally want the Happiest Days of Our Lives audiobook.

Man, that turned into a shameless plug really quick, didn’t it? I mean, it really got out of hand! Brick killed a guy.

“I stabbed a man in the heart with a trident.”

“I saw that!”

Um. Kids, when you start quoting Anchorman and then talk about it in Bob Saget’s voice, it’s time to end the blog entry and just hit publish.

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53 thoughts on “justice is served, edo-style!”

  2. I seriously need to re-watch those old TNG episodes. I apparently missed all the searingly hot sexy subtext going on there. I was too busy staring at Counselor Troi and Tasha Yar’s boobies. Damn you teenage hormones!

  3. Now I wish I DVR-ed the episode just so I could listen to the YouTube video as a commentary track.
    Is it just not-Trek-smart me, or did those alien/romance novel cover guys really have a hard-on for that law-breaking teenager? I mean, seriously. Unintentionally funny doesn’t quite cover it. =]

  4. The EDO chick is hot, but at your age, did you care?
    My son is such a ST geek that all he had to do was see about 3 seconds of it on SciFi and he called out the season and episode number. Go figure…

  6. Boy, that escalated quickly… I mean, that really got out of hand fast.
    And to think, I was soooo jealous of Riven in that episode back when it first aired…

  8. Hi all. I’m a lurker here but I finally got the cajones to say hello. 🙂
    First, the recap up there cracked me up. I was watching “Justice” as I was reading it (Tivo, baby), which made it even better. Second, I grew up watching TNG religiously with my dad (one of the few things we shared) and remember seeing this one with him for the first time. “Awkward” didn’t quite cover it. One of the few times I can remember just leaving the room during our TNG time. So thanks for that. 🙂
    Have a good night, all!

  10. I watched for Ryker…that big hairy man always got my attention even if he did look a little too stiff…I was reading Imzadi on the bus, got off and starting walking and reading…a deadly combo…walked straight into a pole and nearly broke my nose !! no more walking and reading for me LOL

  14. OMG, I just watched that – hadn’t seen it years . You were so darn cute. Bit surreal, here 🙂
    the review is teh awesome, I definitely need that collection !

  16. One and the same. I hate to repeat myself on teh internets, but I felt like that twisted stroke of genius needed a second home.
    Count me in on Memories of the Future, by the way.

  17. Oh, you bet, baby. Uncle Wesley will teach you how to play ball. Why don’t you just slip into this latex bodysuit and put on this wig first, and then we’ll play all sorts of ball, you dirty little bitch.

    ME [TO HUSBAND]: Would it be very weird if I told you that reading that just got me really hot?
    HUSBAND: Yes. Yes, it would.
    ME: Would it be weirder if I typed what I just said and posted it?
    HUSBAND: Much weirder.
    ME: Okay, done.

  20. That episode always reminded me of what would happen if ST:NG got mashed into late night Cinemax.
    Between that episode and the one where the women ruled and Riker played bitch, were some serious “send the kids out of the room, Star Trek is on!” moments.
    I love scotch. Scotchy, scotch, scotch. Here it goes down, down into my belly…
    –S

  22. I still don’t understand the end of that episode. The speech didn’t work at the beginning… Why does it work at the end? The “star trek” quality you talk about in this episode is pretty limited because the solution isn’t any thing new. It’s the equivalent of “hey, let’s try that again, because we aren’t coming up with anything new.” At least later technobabble fixes everything and it all makes sense.

  27. The lesson of this episode is that, if you want a peaceful society, you have to do three things. 1) have lots of casual sex 2)have the women wear porn wigs 3) jog everywhere. A lot like the 70’s, if you think about it.

  28. How do I love you? Let me count the ways.
    1) Brick killed a guy.
    Really, that’s enough.
    Anyway, what I mean by that, is that I absolutely adore your writing style. You’re a funny, intelligent writer. and that’s cool, is all.

  30. Oh man, they played this episode over Christmas break too. Someone at Sci Fi must love this episode. After I watched it I was looking for the dialogue where Wesley tells the girl there are some games he can’t play yet (give me a break, horny teenage Wesley) and I found that TV Squad review.
    I felt compelled to send selected excerpts to like 7 people.

  32. i have the flu and last night in my dazed unable to move without aching I was flipping through the channels and stopped upon SciFi channels showings of TNG bc Wesley was being promoted to ensign…and then somehow I was watching America’s Next Top Model before becoming so miserable I went to bed at 10:30

  33. I would totally pay for your RiffTrax on TNG episodes. To say nothing of a rifftrax of Stand By Me. And in fact, I’d meant to suggest it. Too late now.
    You mentioned that print-on-demand publishing (is/used to be) sketchy. Not to get pedantic, but you might mention for those who are interested that there’s a distinction between the PRINTING technology of POD and companies that call themselves “publishing” companies that take author’s work and then end up taking money from them (the authors) to get the work “published” because the author ends up buying all the copies.
    You’re self-publishing, and using POD as a printing and delivery technology. Whether or not self-publishing is a good thing or not is an open question (given your 64k followers on twitter, it probably makes sense for you). That aside, given that you’re a self publisher, you’re using a POD company as a printing and delivery service, which is the most cost-effective (in terms of money AND personal time) option for you. Not sketchy at all.
    And thank you for throwing a bone to us east-half-of-the-country folks who can’t come to California or Oregon to see you in person. I am so there with the chapbook-on-demand. Will be buying one immediately when it’s up for sale.
    And we’re looking forward to seeing you at Penguicon.

  35. Wil,
    I am so jonesing for you to do more TNG reviews/memories like the ones on TV Squad. If you come out with a book doing up all the episodes you were in I would buy it. Alternatively if you post more of them on TV Squad I will read them. Just make more! Between the riffing on the episode itself and the actual recollections they are all terrific.

  36. Great stuff. I did the impulse buy of the two audio book mp3s, but unfortunately haven’t received any links or such to actually d/l them. Anyone have any advice? I sent an email to the host site’s admin at “10qs”. So other then waiting for a reply I thought I’d run it by you folks.

  37. Despite seeing this ep pop up on the satellite schedule early-ish in the evening and spreading the word so everyone so inclined could watch (and listen!) simultaneously, I didn’t get a chance to do so myself.
    So, I’ll just say this:
    You ate a whole wheel of cheese? I’m not even mad! That’s amazing! *all done here*

  38. Hi Wil, are you planning on publishing all your TNG reviews in a book? I’d be the first to buy it, and as I can conclude from the other comments I’m not the only one. I haven’t had time to read your blog in a while but started again recently, and am happy to find that I’m always in for a good laugh or something to think about whenever I come here. Keep up the good work, man!

  41. Thanks for the answer, I’m looking forward to that one. I’ve always been wondering if your books were going to be translated to any other languages. I’m a professional translator doing English to German with lots of nerd colleagues who are doing English to Swedish, and Sweden is really, how should I say…Geek Capital of Europe. So if you have any plans let us now, we’ll so apply for the job 😉
    Have fun writing more reviews and publishing that book, can’t wait to read it!

  43. I watched it last night and it cracks me up. I love how excited Lt. Yar was to go, then ends up talking about their criminal system. Way to get wild Yar.
    Anyway, I loved Happiest Days of Our Lives and look forward to getting some audiobooks.

  45. I’ll never watch another episode again unless I have your reviews sitting next to me. You do have a way of making geek life ever so much more interesting.

  47. My girlfriend doesn’t like the movie Anchorman. I don’t think it’s going to work out, I’m starting to believe she doesn’t have a soul.
    The things she said about Bruce Campbell… I feel so dirty.

  48. Folks, he’s not kidding. If you like his blog, you’ll love the Happiest Days audiobook. For some strange reason, I’ve got the urge to buy it again even though I already own it.
    Take my money Mr. Wheaton!

  50. Funny enough, I saw the episode the other day and started to google to identify one of the actors (ok, I admit it, the blonde), and that is how I found your blog. Good stuff!

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