screw you, q. coffee is for closers.

I'm editing Memories of the Future, and … well, this bit from Hide & Q made me laugh:

Riker explains that, even though he's pretty much a golden god, he's still the same old lovable Riker they've known for ten episodes, and to show them how totally awesome he is, he's going to give some gifts to his friends.

He starts with Wesley (who he claims to know best of all, because of their friendship and long talks, and that one time Wesley brought his friend Dudley into Riker's bike shop.) Riker gives Wesley his greatest wish: the gift of being ten years older, turning him into a barrel-chested, blond-haired, blue-eyed dreamboat (coincidentally, having a barrel-chested, blond-haired, blue-eyed dreamboat to play with was the costume designer's greatest wish, as well.) Riker then turns to Data, but before he can turn Data into a real boy (a barrel-chested, blond-haired, blue-eyed dreamboat, no doubt) Data tells him that it would just be an illusion, and declines. Undeterred, Riker gives Geordi his sight, takes the banana clip off his face, and tells him that he doesn't have to answer to "Toby" any more . . . but Geordi also declines, so Riker turns his attention to Worf, giving him a Klingon whore who snarls and bares her teeth, which is apparently sexy by Klingon standards. Worf doesn't want the K'lap, so he gives his gift back too, followed by Wesley, then Tin Man, Scarecrow, and Cowardly Lion.

It was so silly, Jonathan Frakes referenced this scene constantly. He cracked me up every single time I'd walk into a scene and he'd say to some unsuspecting guest star, "Ah, it's my good friend Wesley, who I know so well from all of our long talks, screenings of gladiator films, and visits to Turkish prisons."

Working on this book reminds me of how ridiculous most of the first season was, but it also reminds me how fun it was, and how much I love those guys.

88 thoughts on “screw you, q. coffee is for closers.”

  1. There was silliness, yes. But TNG goes down as my favorite television show of all times. We’ve been very happy with the SciFi channel for giving us one night a week. We miss you guys!

  3. High-larious.
    I really miss your ST:TNG reviews. Every single one I’ve read has generated several hearty laughs.

  4. Yeah, I don’t have many “oh, Wheaton, that’s a good one,” moments, but that was one of them.
    Glad you giggled, too.

  5. I so love reading about Star Trek, TNG. I just started reading Just a Geek (Thanks for making it available on Kindle.) I wish I could take a day off work and just read this cover to cover. It’s so funny. I hope a Star Trek Convention comes to Seattle so I can go on that fake Enterprise, and drink some beer with Klingons.

  6. Woah. Just a Geek is on the Kindle? I’ve hoped they’d put it on the Kindle, but didn’t think they were going to do that.
    That is awesome news.

  7. I loved the first season! I once had a boyfriend who would occasionally dress as a Klingon and I would ask him if I could toss glassware at him while he recited poetry to me.
    He never found it as funny as I did.

  8. And casting totally nailed how you would look in 10 years… an Edo reject. I don’t recall where “Too Short A Season” falls relative to “Hide & Q,” but I’ll just assume TNG couldn’t afford to throw any Westmore’s Magical Aging Elixir onto you.

  9. I’d forgotten this scene, but now that you’ve reminded me, from now on when I read your blog, I’m going to visualize you as looking exactly like the guy that played Adult Wesley.

  10. OMG The Toby thing got me and my little ‘puter too.
    Unlike swanofgrey, I just toss glassware when someone reads poetry to me, with or without the costume. It saves the cat from having to get up and scratch out his eyes. Poetry should be performed… unless its a limerick.

  11. Ya know, Riker was never a favorite character, but after reading, “Ah, it’s my good friend Wesley, who I know so well from all of our long talks, screenings of gladiator films, and visits to Turkish prisons.” – well, I think I just fell a little in love with Jonathan Frakes.

  12. Dude, I’m seriously wiping coffee off my monitor, keyboard, phone, and desk — that was one of your better ones!

  14. Not that I’m not interested in your other books, but I think I’m definitely going to pick this one up. I love those TNG episode reviews.

  16. I remember that episode… probably everyone here does. Wow, it was funny before now getting that perspective makes it hilarious. Thanks for that Wil!

  18. The K’lap cracked me up as well. Good one.
    I really look forward to the book!
    I had always thought another good ST run would be not the captain ship thing but the federation goes into civil war initiated by an insurgent fraction led by Wesley Crusher.

  19. Re K’lap… Agreed. Happily, I made my save vs destroy my netbook with a heavy spray of Diet Dr. Pepper. That’s the best thing I’ve read all day, Wil.
    Also, the mental image of Jonathan Frakes goofing off and being hella funny makes me smile. I’ve never met him but I feel how awesome he is when you talk about him and the rest of the cast, Wil.
    Thanks for sharing! Cheers!
    P.S. Can I tell you how excited I am for this book? I can? Awesome. I’m REALLY excited about this book.

  22. I remember that episode, too. I always thought the casting was a bit weird. I’ve seen blond kids turn into dark-headed adults. But it seems it usually doesn’t go the other way unless there is a bottle of bleach involved.
    Oh and Riker was ALWAYS one of my favorite characters. It was – and still is – the perpetual twinkle in his eyes. Jonathan Frakes always struck me as a man who didn’t take himself – or anyone else – too seriously.

  25. That scene always bugged me because Geordi never got see Wesley how he really looked.
    Also, your characters’ options for aging from back then were either barrel-chested dreamboat or Richard Dreyfus. hmm…

  26. OMG, I just re-watched that episode this week! Too funny.
    And speaking of your book being available on Kindle, I have a question. I really want a digital copy, but is it better for you if I buy a print copy? And is there a PDF version available? I only ask because I’d rather give you money directly than give Amazon part of it.

  29. I get bupkis either way, so it doesn’t really matter. I think it’s the difference between a nickle and seven cents, actually.
    Thanks for asking, though. That’s really awesome of you. 🙂

  30. Oh, man! You mean if my parents had joined the right “modem service” way back I coulda pestered you about what was then my favorite show?! Damn!
    Oh, and, dude! The K’lap is quite possibly the funniest thing I’ve read in a long time!

  32. I had to think about the Toby line for a minute. But i’ve never seen roots so i don’t feel too bad.
    I think Paramount should go back and change all the vocals so they call you Whesly Crusher…….
    In fact, that’s how i’m going to reference the character from now on. I’ll get funny looks, but then i shall be the greater nerd, for combining both a trek and family guy reference in one.
    I need a life 😛

  35. Ever since I heard about this book at your panel at the phoenix comic-con I’ve not-so-patiently been waiting for it. Want to ad it to my my book collection which is starting to get out of hand really…like “Barnes and Nobles employees knowing me by name” bad.

  37. I cannot tell you how much I’m looking forward to this book. I so hope you do an audiobook version, your reading of the Data Lore review at From the Land Beyond killed me.
    Man, so excited. 🙂

  38. You know, the guy that played Adult Wesley went on to do one episode of “The Young and the Restless” in 2002 and one of “American Dreams” in 2003 – and has never been heard from since, according to IMDB and TV.com. FWIW.

  42. HA! I think I just laughed harder at “Whesley Chrusher” than I did at the Toby joke, and that’s saying something.
    Now my face hurts.

  43. I actually watched this episode not that long ago and remember thinking two clear things during this exact scene.
    “Poor Wil, as if he doesn’t cop enough crap due to the Star Trek writers making Wesley a bit of a dork. Why the hell did they have to turn him into an 80’s style porn star look alike?!”
    And secondly…
    “Ain’t no way, ain’t NO way that Worf was going to say no if that Klingon was Suzie Plakson, K’lap or no K’lap. K’Ehleyr FTW baby, sexiest Klingon babe on the planet!”
    I added in the K’lap bit just now since I thought it was hilarious, but the point remains pretty true.

  45. I loved this episode.. your grown up version looked nothing like you though. You had brown hair and he had blonde. There was really no similarity there to me lol.

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“The library is a safe place.”

In order to survive, I disassociated for much of my childhood, but I clearly remember the books. That's where I found comfort, companionship, inspiration and validation. It's where the imagination that powers everything I do creatively in my life today was born. And it all started in that library, with that librarian. She was one of the first people I can remember asking me, "What do you like? What's important to you? What do you want to know more about? How can I help you find it?"

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