If Robocop was a bad 80s sit-com

I am easily amused, so earlier today, when my brain said, "You know what would be funny? If there was a Robocop sit-com, where he was always screwing up. Every time he did something, the other officers would put their hands on their hips, cock their heads to one side, and do this sing-songy "Robocop!" catchphrase. Then he'd just shoot everyone."

I mentioned this to Twitter. A few people quickly replied with funny ideas of their own… then I got excited and made a thing:

 

INT POLICE HEADQUARTERS — DAY.

Robocop comes toward camera, doing that weird marching walk thing. He stops in front of a vending machine, and precisely turns to face it.

FLASH TO:

ROBOCOP POV

Through Robocop’s HUD, we see the nutritional information of the various items in the machine as he scans them. A can of soda has a mouse in it, a chocolate bar has traces of cocaine, a bag of chips is actually a bag of fingernails. All that skips by so fast, though, the audience doesn’t really notice it consciously. A crosshairs appears on the HUD and selects a bag of OIL-FLAVORED MICROCHIPS. They’re actual chips, with a cartoony, smiling Robocop drawing on the front. He’s giving a thumbs.

BACK TO SCENE.

Robocop puts a crumpled dollar into the machine, which spits it out. He does this three or four times.

ROBOCOP

Dead or alive, those chips are coming with me.

(Laugh track)

ROBOCOP

Accept my money.

You have ten seconds to comply.

He tries to put the money into the machine. The machine spits it back out.

ROBOCOP

I have ordered you to accept my money.

You have seven seconds to comply.

He tries to put the money into the machine. The machine spits it back out. It falls to the floor.

(Laugh track)

ROBOCOP

You have attempted to assault

a police officer with his own money. 

You are under arrest.

 

An older, grizzled SERGEANT comes out of his office down the hall.

SERGEANT

Robocop, what the hell are you doing?

ROBOCOP

Making an arrest, sir.

The Sergeant rolls his eyes and shakes his head.

SERGEANT

Would you mind tellin’ me how you’re going

to arrest a vending machine?

(Laugh track)

ROBOCOP

By. The. Book.

 (Laugh track)

SERGEANT

Robocop, you crazy. Let me help you.

The Sergeant picks up the dollar bill off the floor. ROBOCOP pulls his gun in a flash! He points it at the sergeant!

ROBOCOP

You are tampering with evidence.

You are under arrest.

 

SERGEANT

You can’t arrest me, Robocop! I’m your boss!

 

ROBOCOP

You. Are. Under. Arrest.

 

SERGEANT

Robocop, I ain’t got time for this. I retire in two days!

(Laugh Track)

ROBOCOP

Arrest. Arrest.

Arrrrrest. Arrrrrreeessst.

 

SERGEANT

(sighs)

Aw, dammit. You’re stuck in a loop. I’d better reset you.

The Sergeant makes a move toward Robocop.

(Audience: Ooohhhhhh!)

The Sergeant puts his hand on Robocop's shoulder. Robocop snaps out of it.

ROBOCOP 

Assault on an officer.

Use of deadly force is authorized.

Robocop shoots about a thousand bullets into the Sergeant, blowing him across the hallway where hits the wall and slides to the floor, leaving streaks of blood behind.

SERGEANT

(gasping, dying, yet somehow still alive)

Dammit… Robocop… I had…

two days… until… retirement.

The Sergeant dies.

 

ROBOCOP

Thank you for your cooperation.

I am not arresting you any more.

(Laugh track, cheers.)

Dozens of officers rush into hallway, stopping short of the grisly scene. They look at Robocop, incredulous. Robocop turns back to the vending machine.

ROBOCOP

Your move, dirtbag.

Suddenly, the bag of chips drops from the vending machine for some reason, startling Robocop. He whirls toward it and destroys it in a hail of epic gunfire.

POLICE OFFICERS

(sing song, in unison)

Robocop!

Robocop turns to the camera and innocently shrugs.

FREEZE FRAME as the synth-tastic theme music plays.

(Audience cheers)

 

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81 thoughts on “If Robocop was a bad 80s sit-com”

  5. This needs to be made. You should get some friends together and film some Stupid Cellphone Videos of these sketches. *nerdsquee*

  7. Seeing the original movie was supposed to be Detroit I thinks you should keep it there. After all art imitates life and Detroit is a Joke!

  10. You got the sayings from ED209 mixed up with Robocop though…. Might change it to something else… also try to work in the bit about ” I work for OCP, OCP owns the cops, your a cop, have a donut…….”
    Also whos up for a Kickstarter to get this made?

  13. It's a *bad* 80s sitcom, so the *bad* 80s sitcom writers just lift stuff from the movie, without regard to character.

  14. Dude! this needs to exist! do you know Wayside Creations on Youtube? (they make the Nuka Break web series) this is so up their street… please make this…

  15. My first reaction was a kneejerk nerdy nitpick: “A dollar bill? Isn’t Robocop supposed to be in the future? Wouldn’t he just upload his debit information to the vending machine via his dataspike?”

  18. Thanks. One of my first comedy writing teachers told all of us that we should write stuff that amuses us, because if we're amused (and having fun), the audience will come along for the ride.

  22. I hate to say it…but there would never be a pov shot with a HUD in an 80’s sitcom…entirely too cinematic for a 3 camera set with a live studio audience. Still should be made tho. I know…I’m a bitch…sorry about it.

  25. What’s sad here is that I’d rather see this come to life than the currently planned ‘Robocop’ reboot/sequel thing that’s coming up. Hey Wil, I wonder if this would get any play on Univision or would they have their own ‘el Policia del Robo’ kind of thing?

  26. Um, you didn’t catch Robocop 2 on TV, did you? Because it was on TV. And then you posted the twitter thing, and then my head just a-sploded.
    In other news, I so dearly love short humorous stories such as this. I wrote one like it as a freshman in high school, based off the teacher’s sentence starter. Didn’t you try that, once upon a time?
    #seewhatididthere?

  28. You have no idea how much I need this to be a thing. GET THE RIGHTS! Admittedly, I’ve never seen Robocop, so if this is spitting on graves or violating childhoods, I’d have no idea. Personally, I suspect it’s an affectionate tribute., and I love it.

  30. Funny, but you lost me at the whole “2 days til retirement” bit… Family Guy – Blue Harvest did that already. I loved the rest of it though lol

  31. Or…instead of the chips falling out, the vending machine transforms into ED 209. Robocop and Ed, engage in an epic battle, utterly destroying the police station. Robocop emerges, dented, dirty, and limping, but triumphant. The police officers just shake their heads. One of them steps up, looks at the carnage behind Robocop and says, “That’s coming out of your paycheck!”

  32. Everyone who has seen Lethal Weapon has done that joke. It's sort of a meta thing, like the Wilhelm scream.

  33. I think the world needs this, as well as a bad 80’s sitcom staring Sparks McGee. Everytime he says “I got a course you can plot!” the laugh-track would play.

  35. You could probably get Homeland Security to fund tat show. you know, make robocops more lovable and cuddly, and, like that.
    well done mr. w.

  40. This needs to be a sketch on Kids in the Hall, stat. Mark McKinney would make an excellent Robocop.
    Also, personal story: my dad used to do the Robocop walk in grocery stores. He’d walk stiff-legged to the end of the aisle, turn his head, and then turn the rest of his body and keep going. At first it was funny for him, then it became habit, then it became a way to shame his teenage daughters. Then we shamed him into stopping by calling him RoboDad.

  42. That was a fun read…a few suggestions for chapter 2:
    Another vending machine appears and is possessed by the same aliens from Maximum Overdrive. Cue AC/DC music. The machine shouts “Bitches LEAVE!” and starts firing high speed projectile soda cans at Robocop…

  43. Instead of a sit-com, how about a Robot Chicken sketch?
    Then again, You could replace RoboCop with Bender and change “Use of deadly force is authorized.” to “Kill all Humans.” and “Your move, dirtbag.” to “Cheese it!” and I think it would work perfectly!
    Then sell all 3 scripts an pocket the money.
    🙂

  45. Argh, you had me up until the “Audience Cheers” part. That would never happen in the highbrow tasteful USA.
    Nice first draft, though…

  49. This is awesome. I remember seeing the first 2 Robocop films when I was a kid and just really loving them. The second one had this hilarious scene where one of the version 2 test subjects rips off his helmet (exposing the skull and muscles of his face), screaming, and falling to the floor, dead. My brother and I cracked up in the middle of the theater.

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