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Happy Christmas, From Team Wheaton

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I just haven’t had any Christmas Spirit this year. We’ve both been very busy, had an unexpected death in the family, and have sort of felt like doing Christmas stuff (decorating, etc.) was just Another Fucking Thing To Deal With™.

We weren’t unhappy about it or anything, but we don’t give gifts in our family, we aren’t religious, and with the kids out of the house, were just sort of treating Christmas like it was another day.

When I woke up this morning, though, something was different. Decorating for Christmas, and having a nice Christmas dinner with Anne and Nolan (Ryan’s out of town) became something I wanted to do, instead of something I felt like I was supposed to do, because Christmas.

I woke up about 2 hours before Anne, which is a Christmas Miracle in itself, and after she was sufficiently filled with coffee, I walked into the living room and sat down next to her.

“I have a thought,” I began.

“Uh-oh…” she said. I smiled.

“I know we haven’t felt like doing anything Christmas-y, but … I kind of want to just put up our tree, and a couple of decorations.” I said.

“I am so glad you said that,” she said, “because I woke up feeling exactly the same way. I think it would be really sad for Nolan to come over tomorrow, and we don’t have anything in our house that says ‘it’s Christmas! Yay!'”

“So how about if we go to the store, get some food for a quiet dinner tonight with just the two of us, and then get something for dinner tomorrow?”

“I’d love that,” she said.

So a few hours later, we went to the store, with everyone else in the world, and got some food for a nice, quiet, and dare I say ROMANTIC dinner tonight. We also decided to recreate our Thanksgiving dinner for Christmas dinner, because it was damn tasty.

We got home after a surprisingly relaxed shopping experience with everyone else in the world, and I said, “Mrs. Wheaton, would you like to share the joyous holiday tradition of walking into the backyard and getting the Christmas tree out of the shed?”*

“I would love that, Mister Wheaton.”

We walked up into the backyard, where I unlocked the shed, and began the traditional process of extricating the tree from where it lives 50 weeks out of the year. Along the way, I knocked over several cans of paint. Two of them cracked and dumped their contents all over the floor.

“Oh yeah!” I said, “Now it’s CHRISTMAS!”

“I’ll go get some paper towels…” Anne said.

Once we cleaned that up, we brought the tree into the house. I assembled it in the traditional Christmas way, and we stood back to look at it. We decided that it was good.**

I think the tree had been up for three minutes when our Cat, Luna, made some plans.

Luna's Making Plans

Literally seconds later:

Because of course Luna is in the tree.

Then Marlowe saw her, ran over to see what the heck was going on, scared the shit out of Luna, causing Luna to launch herself out of the tree, to be chased across the living room by the puppy.

With a cat-free tree, I took another picture:

You'll find one in every fake tree, you'll see.
You’ll find one in every fake tree, you’ll see.

The year we got the fake tree, I was filled with regret, because the house didn’t smell like Christmas at all. Ryan, who had just gotten his driver’s license, drove himself to the gas station, bought these air fresheners, and hung them on the tree for us. As moved and happy I was by his gesture, we had to hang them outside for about two weeks, because holy shit do those things have a pungent smell that is nothing like pine but is actually like radioactive death trees.

Anne and I hung more ornaments on the tree, and then we hung up a few — a very few — decorations around the house. Then, when we felt like we were done, I put Noel the Christmas Walrus on the tree to make everything official:

Noel The Christmas Walrus

Then, I walked into the kitchen and saw that Luna was recovering from her adventure:

A tiny box that barely holds you is the perfect place to relax after climbing a fake Christmas tree.
A tiny box that barely holds you is the perfect place to relax after climbing a fake Christmas tree.

I turned on the broiler, seasoned the steaks we planned to have for dinner, and opened a bottle of wine. Anne came in and joined me.

“You know what,” I said, “I’m really, really happy.”

“Me too.”

“I’m so happy that we decorated our house just a little bit, and put up a tree, because we wanted to, instead of doing it because we felt like we had to.”

“Yeah,” she said, “this is something we chose to do, and who cares if it happened the night before Christmas, instead of three weeks go?”

“I’m really glad we did this,” I said.

“So am I,” she said.

I leaned in and kissed her. “This feels like our first post-kids Christmas,” I said, “with just the two of us doing this because it was fun and festive for us.”

“Totally,” she said.

We looked at each other for a minute.

“I want to just check in with the kids,” I said.

She laughed. “Okay.”

I traded text messages with Ryan and Nolan, we wished each other a happy Christmas Eve, and then I got an idea.

“DUDE! I saw this on Tumblr a couple weeks ago, and I want to try it.” I ran to my office, while Anne stood, confused and confused***, in the kitchen. I grabbed my tripod and my camera.

I set it up in the living room, and I took some pictures:

My god, it's full of warp stars.
Warp speed, Mister Crusher.
I'M A CHRISTMAS TREE.
I’M A CHRISTMAS TREE.
Noel The Christmas Walrus is cleared for blastoff
Noel The Christmas Walrus is cleared for blastoff.

I was pretty happy with the way the pictures turned out, and I came into my office to post them while Anne wrapped a couple of gifts for the kids****.

Then I rejoined her in the living room to take one more picture that would let us say Merry Christmas (or Happy Winter Festival of your choice) to all of you who are reading this, from us here on Team Wheaton:

2013-12-24 19.03.22
Marlowe! Look at the camera!
2013-12-24 19.05.18
Okay, just wait and wear your antlers because it’s cute…
2013-12-24 19.05.28
Anne: I think we got it. Me: I think it looks like you’ve got her in a choke hold.
2013-12-24 19.07.21
There it is. We’re really laughing that hard.

 Yeah, pictures with a puppy are pretty hilarious…

2013-12-24 19.08.19
Did you make steak for dinner? I like steak for dinner.

But Seamus can do a super good sit, and he wants you to have a Merry Christmas.

And so do I. I hope you spend the holidays with people you love, who love you back.

 

 

 

 

*A few years ago, we got a fake tree, because I am so stupidly paranoid about getting a real tree that somehow explodes into  a fireball for some reason and ruins Christmas like a kid who points out that Grandma just said something that’s really super racist at Christmas dinner. Not that I know anything about that at all.

**I also realized that this one little bit of lights that never seemed to light up, even though all the wires checked out and all the bulbs were in place, didn’t light up because we never plugged it in. The plug was wrapped around itself in a way that just hid it, and I never saw it until tonight. I texted Ryan, “dude. I am amazing”, and told him the story. “Our family is so smart, and so dumb at the same time,” he replied. “THAT is Wheaton Thinking,” I said.

***And also confused.

****We don’t give gifts to each other. We do give a couple little things to the kids.

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24 December, 2013 Wil

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Goddammit, Popular Science. You had one job. → ← it’s a christmas miracle.

64 thoughts on “Happy Christmas, From Team Wheaton”

  1. Kim says:
    24 December, 2013 at 7:30 pm

    You’re awesome. Merry Christmas.

    1. Deb says:
      25 December, 2013 at 5:43 pm

      Thank you for sharing. You are bloody hilarious.
      Merry Christmas to the Wheaton clan.

  2. Bradford Benn says:
    24 December, 2013 at 7:34 pm

    Happy Solstice Holiday of your choice. Glad you guys are having a happy time. However I am a little sadden that Jack Skellington is not on top of the tree as I (and a few friends) have been looking for the topper for two years since seeing Anne post it on Twitter.

  3. Chris Williams says:
    24 December, 2013 at 7:37 pm

    Oh totally awesome! Thank you for sharing. Merry Christmas!

  4. angelight85 says:
    24 December, 2013 at 7:38 pm

    Merry Christmas Wil and Anne Wheaton, may the new year bring you more happiness and good fortune than you could ever hope for.

  5. Kat says:
    24 December, 2013 at 7:40 pm

    I hope you guys enjoyed your romantic steak dinner and that the pups got a little taste. Seamus looks so dignified in his antlers that he totally deserves it and Marlowe made you laugh. What better reason?

    Merry Christmas Wheaton Family!

  6. Matthew John Zeigler says:
    24 December, 2013 at 7:42 pm

    Merry Christmas!

  7. Mark Valentine says:
    24 December, 2013 at 7:47 pm

    Happy Christmas Wil, I’m so pleased you guys are having fun

  8. Freeman McGlothlin says:
    24 December, 2013 at 7:48 pm

    Marlow and Seamus do not seem to be smiling. Maybe they should go lay by the fire.

    “Silent night, holy night,
    All is calm, all is bright.
    Round yon virgin, mother and child.
    Holy infant so tender and mild.
    Sleep in heavenly peace, sleep in heavenly peace.” \\ // _

  9. Ember says:
    24 December, 2013 at 7:49 pm

    All I could muster this year was dragging the tree out of the closet, tossing on some red lights, and spreading out the tree skirt. No ornaments, no topper. Between work stress and holiday shopping panic and becoming acquainted with a new furkid — the holiday spirit has been low key. Besides, Ichabod (new furkid) has taken a liking to batting the red tree lights like they’re laser pointers. LOL!

    May you all have a wonderfully fun and relaxing holiday.

  10. Katrina says:
    24 December, 2013 at 7:50 pm

    Awwww, this made me so happy to read. My family isn’t having much of a Christmas either, no gifts, no tree, no money because everything we have is going to (or trying to) saving our house. But unexpectedly, one of my questions was picked for the latest Simpsons trivia game so I got that sent to me for free today, my first and only gift this year, which made things a bit better. Then I read this and couldn’t stop smiling, you guys look so happy and it sounds like you’ve had a good Christmas eve despite your own hardships (I am very sorry to hear about your loss and send you mental and only slightly molesty hugs). Wheatons, you have made my Christmas, and I thank you. Have a happy chrismahanukwanzakah, and have fun tomorrow with the kids and the dogs, and the sickeningly adorable Luna.

  11. Regina Elliott says:
    24 December, 2013 at 7:57 pm

    Merry Christmas! Have you seen the 7 minute Sherlock mini-episode? It is awesome.

  12. Christina Williams Routon says:
    24 December, 2013 at 7:58 pm

    My sympathies on your loss. It sounds like you had a wonderful day. Merry Christmas, Wheaton family.

  13. Janice Haynes says:
    24 December, 2013 at 8:07 pm

    Loved your story – Merry Christmas from my family to yours !!

  14. melissa (@mimi78) says:
    24 December, 2013 at 8:13 pm

    Same here. The last 2 years we put our tree up on Xmas eve. This year, I’m exhausted. Haven’t slept more than 4 hours in a stretch in months, haven’t had more than 3 hours to myself in 6 weeks. Newborn twins and a 3 year old. Blah blah Broken record over here. We mustered up some spirit for the toddler who told me tonight when I put her to bed that she didn’t want Santa to come. Gah, moody kids. Happy I’m not leaving the house tomorrow and nobody is coming over. I’m glad you guys seem to be having so much fun. Happy holidays to you both!

  15. angadj says:
    24 December, 2013 at 8:13 pm

    Thank you, Wil & Anne & family, for sharing this wonderful tale of your day. I, too, have not been in a holiday festive mood. But, like you, today I wanted to decorate (even if only for myself) and ‘get in the spirit’ of the holiday. I’m so glad to hear it’s something in the air, and not just me being weird. Well, I may still be weird, just not alone in this sudden holiday spirit. Thank you! Merry Christmas/Happy Holidays/etc to everyone!! 🙂

  16. Ian says:
    24 December, 2013 at 8:14 pm

    Merry Christmas to both of you nuts.

  17. Scott says:
    24 December, 2013 at 8:18 pm

    Noel! I’m so glad to see Noel. That was a very cool story about Chris finding him and giving him to you. 🙂

    “and have sort of felt like doing Christmas stuff (decorating, etc.) was just Another Fucking Thing To Deal With™.”

    That’s been me since 2009. A bad car accident, the resulting injuries/depression/PTSD/stress for me and my wife, and a failed fight against insurance company completely disrupted our life. I’m hopeful that we’re on the road to recovery now, but I’m not really to the point where things like Christmas have moved beyond “just Another Fucking Thing To Deal With™.”

    It does make me happy that you decided to do something, though. It looks like you and Anne had a fun time doing it, and I hope tomorrow is even better. 🙂

    Merry Christmas Wil and Anne, and Marlowe and Seamus and Riley and Luna, and Nolan and Ryan.

  18. LoganNz says:
    24 December, 2013 at 8:18 pm

    My husband and I don’t have kids, so we take a very relaxed approach to Christmas. We stopped decorating after moving to New Zealand because xmas in summer is weird (and we aren’t religious). Today we took a long walk by the beach and had leftover curry. 🙂

  19. j65000jeni says:
    24 December, 2013 at 8:20 pm

    Much love to you and your family this Christmas.

  20. Pol says:
    24 December, 2013 at 8:20 pm

    Happy Christmas, Team Wheaton. We are also having a low key event, simply because we lost our beloved Charlie (who made an appearance on Anne’s rescued pets blog and whose story is on my blog page) just last week.

    All the best to you and your family.

  21. David says:
    24 December, 2013 at 8:24 pm

    I know how it feels, our family lost my grandmother and its the first Christmas without her. My dad also has ended up missing recently. So everyone in my family is just looking to get past the 25th this year.

  22. Kristina says:
    24 December, 2013 at 8:39 pm

    Love the Warp Tree, and the adorable smiling people are a nice touch. Merry Christmas!

  23. Anne Williams (@EtherealFields) says:
    24 December, 2013 at 8:41 pm

    Happy Holidays 🙂
    Thank you for sharing this, it made me smile!

  24. Linda says:
    24 December, 2013 at 8:45 pm

    So glad you are having a Merry, Loving Christmas. Hubs and I don’t give each other presents either, more because we have no money for them than anything due to medical bills. But, we will give each other cards and tomorrow we will cook a small dinner just for us as we are alone. My present is that he is here with me after nearly losing him a year ago. He’s all the Christmas I need.

  25. Glenn Ferrell says:
    24 December, 2013 at 9:01 pm

    Things always feel better when obligation is removed. 🙂

    Merry Christmas, Wil!

  26. anderhigh says:
    24 December, 2013 at 9:24 pm

    Merry Christmas Team Wheaton.

  27. David Westbay says:
    24 December, 2013 at 9:39 pm

    Steak dinner on Christmas Eve? Great minds think alike, because that is what we had too. Pat and I hope that you both enjoy the rest of the holiday season!

  28. Ken says:
    24 December, 2013 at 10:23 pm

    Merry Christmas! Loved the repo man reference! And share the feelings. Have been blue leading up to this Christmas, starting to find my way out now though. Thanks for sharing your day!

  29. snarke (@snarke) says:
    24 December, 2013 at 10:25 pm

    I *love* it when you tell us these stories about you and your family. It feels like it’s own Christmas present, all wrapped up in ones and zeros just for…well, all of us really. 🙂 Thank you for sharing this!

  30. Douglas says:
    24 December, 2013 at 10:30 pm

    Merry Christmas Wheatons!

  31. Desiree Kauffman (@Numera71) says:
    24 December, 2013 at 10:32 pm

    Thank you and Merry Christmas to you and yours!!!!!

  32. Tora Jeberg says:
    24 December, 2013 at 10:56 pm

    Merry Christmas from Denmark and thank you for a wonderful story 🙂

  33. Alan Oursland says:
    24 December, 2013 at 11:02 pm

    Merry Christmas, Wheaton family.

  34. Kevin says:
    24 December, 2013 at 11:21 pm

    Merry Christmas!

  35. angie lawrence says:
    24 December, 2013 at 11:37 pm

    Merry Christmas to you all. thanks for the great blog. my black cat Luna does the exact same thing to our tree each year.

  36. linda n says:
    25 December, 2013 at 12:06 am

    I feel you about not feeling Christmas-y. I have tried for a few weeks to pull myself up by my bootstraps and mostly failed miserably. I’m out of work and unemployment is being cut off at year end for anyone on extended benefits so I don’t know how I’m going to pay my mortgage. So putting up the tree and decorating and baking felt forced and just reminded me that I have no money to give anyone much of anything at all. I just feel like this year was kind of a disaster for me and I want my life to be better but I can’t seem to catch a break. Your Christmas seems to be turning out great! I hope the coming year brings you great things and joy!

  37. Daehawk (@Daetitan) says:
    25 December, 2013 at 12:17 am

    Thanks a lot Wheaton for the snow blowing across this screen. I have eye floaters and thought for sure something had gone horribly wrong 🙂

    Marry Christmas you kids. Hope next year finds it much better for you and your’s brother.

  38. Katie Seibert says:
    25 December, 2013 at 1:41 am

    Merry Christmas! I love your humor and your dogs. So cute. I hope you all enjoy the rest of your holiday.

  39. Jeremy [Retro] says:
    25 December, 2013 at 3:40 am

    It’s about time well spent with family, friends and pets… Happy Holidays!

  40. Paul Easter says:
    25 December, 2013 at 6:43 am

    Happy Holidays, Wheatons. Thanks for making me laugh and smile all year.

  41. Lee (All The Nomz) says:
    25 December, 2013 at 7:28 am

    Thanks for sharing Wil, hope you and your family have a wonderful day.

  42. SP Munro says:
    25 December, 2013 at 8:11 am

    I love this story, thanks for sharing. Simple things make me the happiest! xoxo, Wheatons!

  43. Jasper says:
    25 December, 2013 at 9:03 am

    Three things: 1) Love the Royal Pine air fresheners; hilarious. 2) It is awesome to see you laughing and smiling like that in the pictures. It immediately brought a smile to me and my wife. 3) Merry Christmas and a happy New Year to you Wheatons and thank you for bringing a little joy to those that follow you. ^_^

  44. Drue says:
    25 December, 2013 at 9:45 am

    You guys are scary similar to our Christmas, down to the laughing dog photos (except we have 3 Dachshunds and a Lab, all rescues). I noticed how many people seem to have had a rough 1013, us included, in the comments. I think we all deserve a really good 2014. Merry Christmas folks.

  45. DAVID STAHL says:
    25 December, 2013 at 9:52 am

    See I knew The Christmas Sprit Would Find You.
    Merry Christmas And Have A Great 2014

  46. Donald Whiteway says:
    25 December, 2013 at 10:06 am

    Thank you for sharing!

  47. Angela says:
    25 December, 2013 at 10:25 am

    I LOVE Luna in the tree and box that is sooooo cute!!! all I got out of Miss Kitty is a half assed batting of her feather ornament.

  48. Debra Houston says:
    25 December, 2013 at 10:34 am

    Merry Christmas and thank you both for this was great for a chuckle and smile.

  49. David R. Webb says:
    25 December, 2013 at 5:37 pm

    Merry Christmas Wil and Anne. Glad you were able to get into the Christmas spirit.

  50. steve says:
    25 December, 2013 at 6:23 pm

    Merry christmas to you and your family wil!

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