Today is, by every objective measure, a good day. I was privileged to speak via the Internet with a group of college students across the country about leadership qualities, and even though I was mostly terrified (talking to young people makes me feel old faster than anything else), I thought I mostly did not suck.
After I finished that, I did some work around the house, enjoyed the company of my family, wrote a brief blog, drew a dumb cartoon, and then went to Geek & Sundry to give notes on some Tabletop edits.
Soon, I’m going to attend a special screening of Tabletop for a few very special people who helped fund this season of the show, and our upcoming RPG spinoff.
I have a great life, and this has been a great day … but without warning or reason, the gloom and sadness and despair of Depression wrapped its claws around my chest this afternoon, and has been squeezing me and attempting to pull me to the ground ever since.
Objectively and rationally, I know that this is due to a chemical condition in my brain, and I know that this feeling will pass. I also know that depression lies, and I have enough experience doing cognitive behavioral therapy to sort of ninja the worst of it away (something I’d never be able to do without my meds and doctors; it’s not possible to wish Depression away), but I still feel anxious and irritable and impatient and annoyed and frustrated and tired and sad and even a little hopeless.
I know why this is happening. I know how this is happening. I know that it will leave as suddenly and unexpectedly as it arrived.
Knowing all of these things doesn’t make the way it makes me feel any less real or intense.
Knowing that I have Depression, but Depression doesn’t have me helps me get through it, though.
I’m sorry that The Depresso9000 has decided to come back to go another round with the hero. At least I like to think of my horribly nasty depression as a comicbook supervillain; much better than thinking of it as a stupid part of my brain that is all stupid.
That’s the best description EVER. I’m usin’ it 🙂
I’m so sorry you are feeling this way.
You are one of the reasons I recognize this feeling for what it is in me.
I hope it passes quickly for you!
I’m sorry about the black cloud beast. It’s a big lying liar who lies. Thank you for your awesome, especially non-judgmental ninja. I’ve got him printed out and tacked above my desk for when I write.
It might be chemical, and you might know it is, but that doesn’t stop it from consuming your consciousness. It’s important that you shared this about yourself, because many people with Depression often suffer in silence. You don’t need me to tell you to keep going and keep your chin up, because that might not necessarily help anything, but I’ll tell you anyway. You don’t need me to tell you that Depression is not the boss of you, but I’ll tell you anyway. And you certainly don’t need me to tell you that you have hundreds of supportive admirers and friends– they’ll tell you that themselves.
This too shall pass.
I truly have to appluad you Wil. Not only stating, but talking about depression which is a very real thing thatmany scoff off has given me inspiration to deal with my own depression. You give a voice to those with depression, when all we sometimes want to do, or rather can do, is stay in bed, be upset, and do very little in the day. I’m glad your able to overcome the continuing hurdles it presents, and perhaps someday others will step forward and acknowledge its true nature. Depression might take a hold, but you don’t have to let it, we are stronger than that. If we are strong together we are united. I’m glad you can be a shining example of a link in this unification against depression. Stay strong, we know you can, like you know we can. Take care and Happy Holidays.
I can relate. A career in Law Enforcement, working crimes against children cases has left me dealing with depressing for years. Having the understanding that you do about this condition is very healthy. Others are not so fortunate. Thank you for your courage to publicly address your feelings. It helps tremendously to know you are not alone. Best wishes!
I worked for a police department doing database work during the ’90s, during which time they set up their computer forensic unit. I felt really bad for those guys being forced to watch kiddie porn in order to prosecute cases.
Last month I started a job at a school for the blind and visually impaired. Even though I’m doing computer work and don’t directly work with kids, Monday I spent the day in training to recognize depression, suicidal and self-harm problems in kids. Very sad, as if being VI isn’t bad enough. I’ve recognized depression problems in me because of my fairly serious health problems, but they’ve been borderline and I haven’t really needed professional or chemical help, and now that I’m working again at a place where I’ll actually be helping kids (indirectly) I’m in a much better mental/emotional space.
Christmas is going to be a right bugger, though: we’re going to Colorado to spend it with a friend who’s wife died of breast cancer on that day last year. I don’t expect it to be very fun.
Aww. ::gives Wil a big hug.:: but you might prefer Annie doing that.
I’m sorry that depression is rearing it’s ugly head for you at the moment. I just wanted to say that I really respect how you speak about yourself, even when you’re feeling so down. Because you are awesome and even though you have depression and can hear it’s nasty voice, you’re so much more than it wants you to think you are.
Also, I feel you on the timing, it always feels…disconcerting when depression sinks it’s claws in on a day that is objectively good.
Hope you get some canine snuggles and feel more like yourself soon.
hugs
Sorry the dark beast reared it’s head, glad also to hear that you know it will pass. Thank you for being brave and posting this very real part of your life.
Depression is terrible. Knowing it will pass and knowing you won’t let it beat you is good, but going through it is still awful and I hope it passes sooner rather than later.
Take that depression and punch it in the nuts! Then take out its knee and wrestle to the ground!
Thanks Wil, my wife and I live an amazingly good life but she struggles with depression. Although I always understood the science this post helped me understand her a little better.
Your posts that deal with your depression always are my “favorite” because I have depression as well. And you always seem to put it into perfect words what I feel. Thank you for being so honest.
I’m sorry. I hope the cloud passes quickly.
Here is two minutes of one year old babies playing peekaboo in a curtain and giggling.
Thank you. I haven’t read your blog before and this caught me where I am right now. Running and meds help. But sometimes you just want hide under the covers and not come out. Hang in there. You always make me smile.
Also, for me, it’s this time of year. In Southern California, though we cannot complain about the weather AT ALL, there is a strange, creeping kind of darkness early in the evenings that greatly impacts my emotional well being. Maybe because we aren’t used to it the rest of the year? Also, the collective consciousness, the news, is full of anxiety right now. I’m not saying we should look for outside sources to rationalize how we feel, but for me, it has an impact.
I have been going through the same thing today. I even told my husband on the phone that I know I feel this way and it’s nobody’s fault and it’s not a situation that made me feel this way. It’s just the way it is. I’m a teacher, so getting hit with the intensity of it all and still having to teach a classroom of young people and deal with coworkers, while putting the most vulnerable part of you out there while you feel like collapsing in a heap of tears. . .makes you want to run and hide under the desk or just lay your head down during your prep and cry your eyes out in the hope that it’ll wash away with the tears.
Even right now, things are great, played games with my husband, watching Supernatural, but I still can’t wait for the moment when I can retreat to my bed and end the day with the hope that the light will shine brighter tomorrow. Just writing this makes things a little better. So thanks for sharing. I feel just a little less alone seeing that there are others who have had a rough time today, too. Thank you.
You’ve got this. I have faith in you. Your family has faith in you. Don’t forget that you have faith in you too. Courage!
Thanks for sharing! Each time you do it gives me a bit more hope in my struggle with the monster as well as letting others know they are not alone in this. Be well.
Sorry to hear that the “gloom” (my term as the word “depression” seems clinical and well, depressing) returned. I have been in that reality. Kind words and good intentions seem to not be suitable weapons for defeating that state of mind.
Thank you for a posting or podcast (I cannot remember which) where you mentioned that being on medication is not a failure and should be an option. I am back on medication and feeling hopeful.
It has been dark and dreary up here in Canada and I have been feeling those claws too lately. Know there are others of us out there and we care about you and feel for your pain.
I deal with those bouts of depression like having that relative, that co-worker, that neighbor that you have to put up with for a while but would rather not.
Your blog posts about depression are important and well-written and I expect they help a lot of people. I like the way you describe the problem and how it affects you personally. Thumbs up, way up.
I understand. I do also, but there is no pill for my condition. My choices are limited in this area. SO i write .. 🙂 i feel u .. and yes it pass’s ..
Currently there with you. Different circumstances but I at least feel some part of your pain.
Seeing you being able to talk about your depression is a very good thing, because you are able to talk about it rather than keep it locked up in a shell like many in your position do – it’s the nature of the beast, I suppose. It is always hard when it comes to dealing with depression, but I’ve always found that it’s family and friends that help the most, along with a good healthy does of prayer. It doesn’t work for everyone, but it always has helped me out in the past and continues to do so. The light will be at the end of the tunnel, and I’m sure it won’t be the light of an oncoming train.
Falstaff was not just a wit, but the cause of wit in others. I think some variation of that can aptly be applied to you.
Thanks for opening up and sharing, Will.
Just… love. Thank you for writing even though you probably felt like writing anything was worthless. It’s worth so very much. I hope the chemicals in your brain quit lying to you soon so that you can enjoy the wonderful more fully.
Thank you for putting something positive out into the world even when your own brain is telling you everything negative. It helps.
Hm. This all sounds very familiar. Perhaps I’m depressed as well. This sucks.
Wil, I personally know the battle of depression, and it is tough. I am so sorry to hear you also deal with this, and I hope you find your way out of it. You are such a lucky guy, with a wonderful life, and any and every one who is lucky enough to have you in their life needs to realize just how lucky they are. You are a great person who has touched so many lives with your continued devotion to your fans. I send you a lot of love and positive vibes.
Your insights on this help more than you know, Wil. Thanks for this. You’re not alone.
Thank you, again, for being so open about this. You’re quite amazing, and I hate that you know what depression feels like, rather than being aware of the amazingness all the time instead. You’re good people Wil. Love from Holland.
I’m so sorry, Wil. I wish your doctors could find the right combination to fix that chemical screw-up. I spent almost a year on suicide watch until my doctor was able to help me. Stupid chemical imbalance! I hope you get your imbalance fixed permanently. You deserve to be as happy as you make others feel!
I can’t begin to understand what you’re going through or what it’s like and I hope this doesn’t come across as facile but my 12 year old son and I will be eagerly looking forward to the next edition of Tabletop. Since the new season started we’ve sat down, just the two of us and enjoyed it greatly, even going back to previous seasons, which I’ve seen but is completely new to him.
Obviously the new SMART TV we just got helps but I think it’s all your hard effort in bringing a fun show about games into the world that has allowed us to have some father/son time outside of me sitting watching him play Destiny. Hopefully this helps, it puts a smile on my face at least.
Non-judgemental Ninja told me to tell you it’s okay.
I recently told a friend that just because we know that the way we feel is BS, that doesn’t mean that feeling that BS is any less real. And it’s true. Good post, Wil. Hang in there. This too shall pass.
I’m just now climbing out of a 3-month hole myself; I worried that it would never end, but it always does. Sometimes you just have to wait for the monster to slink away.
Thanks for writing so eloquently and openly about your struggles.
the same thing just happened to me last night. I was feeling great until WHAM! It think this may have been exactly what I needed to hear. It’s nice to know I’m not alone. I mean, I always know it, but I don’t always feel it. Thank you.
Wil – any chance writing a blog about how you need to write more triggered an episode? Cognitive Behavioral therapy is a miracle, but it means sometimes having to sit quietly and remember what the thought was that came right before the depression. Just sharing what’s worked for me when I have a sudden episode.
Love all the support from your fans/friends, and agree with everyone above.
You are very talented and have a lot going for you, so as stated above, punch that depression in the nuts!
Thank you Wil! Your openness about depression is a comfort to me and I’m sure others. It’s always a good reminder that despite how I feel, I’m not the only one who feels this way. I was diagnosed over 20 years ago and reading about your battle has helped me to confront my own.
I hope this in some small way can remind you that you are not alone and you have a positive and powerful impact. Thanks again for what you do!
hugs
If wanted of needed – just as a short hand way of say we love you and will be waiting for you to feel more balanced again – and remember to shout if you need anything!
Wish I could hug you really – you always look SO cuddly 🙂
When you’re going thru Hell, keep going.
Never, never, never, never quit.
And kick that beasty in the balls once for me.
Even while dealing with that dark cloud, that was the most lucid, succinct and accurate description I’ve come across. Thanks for being upfront and strong, Will. It helps.
Thanks for sharing. I don’t have depression, but people I love do. Your writing helps me to understand a little bit better what they are dealing with.
Also, I didn’t see anything in your post about exercising. There are good data on its effectiveness for treating depression. Just a thought.
Thanks Wil, you always echo exactly what I feel. This too, shall pass.
And remember, you are smart enough, you are good enough, and gosh darn it, people like you
Well, shoot, I didn’t mean for my full name to go on this. I blame super connectivity. If you see this, would you mind deleting it? Big hugs, I just didn’t mean to share my last name with the world.
You know the way they say “Never read the comments”, and they’re usually right?
WWdN is one of handful of exceptions to that rule. You have awesome followers – which is only fitting, really, as you’re awesome too. Thanks again, Wil.
I can relate all too well with your feelings. Thank you for sharing. We are not alone, and as the Non-Judgemental Ninja says: You’re fine. Even when you don’t feel it. Sending you prayers/good vibes to win today’s battle.