118 thoughts on “How I deal with anxiety”

1. Wil, thanks for this. Good post.

2. I can’t thank you enough for your willingness to share your experiences. I am 52 and have had anxiety since I was a teenager. It was not an ok thing to talk about and I have spent my life hiding it, worried about my job and kids if I was found out. Bringing it into the light is brave and helps those of us that are still carrying the idea that we have to hide our pain. Your tips are helpful and some that I have used as well. I call it “What if” thinking…where the thoughts of what might happen spiral out of control. I thank you for making this safe to discuss and for the hope you give others.

3. Thank you for sharing this with us, it’s really helpful.

4. Thank you wil.

5. Holy crap Wil, you nailed this on the head.

   I have a bottle of pills on me at any time, the single pill in the wallet is much more manageable though. Great idea.

6. I’m not Wil Wheaton. I’m not famous or creative. I am not a medical or psychiatric professional. I have lived with chronic major depression and anxiety disorders for over 40 years. I have no shame in that; in fact I’m a little proud because I’m still here, still coherent, and still stigma free. If you want to ask me anything about how I deal with depression, anxiety, PTSD, or living with an adult child with bipolar disorder, feel free to contact me via my FB page (pm is fine) https://www.facebook.com/Warri0rpooflinger .

7. Your the Man, Mr Wheaton.
   Well, not necessarily the man, but a man.
   Thanks for sharing.
   I do something that relaxes me. I listen to a song, Steely Dan or Crash Test Dummies. I try to examine my thoughts. Usually I freak out about things which I have little control, like Going Dentist. Just getting my teeth cleaned can be a freak out, I worry if I will be able to keep my mouth open. That sounds very strange, but my mouth begins to cramp, and my teeth begin to chatter. (I also suffer from tremors, aka Katherine Hepburn). I’ve gone through dozens of dentists.

   The most success has been listening to the most relaxing, most enjoyable music I like, then imagine myself on a beach, lying in the warm sun with all sorts of very beautiful women around. It works pretty well most of the time.

   Things that used to bother me, like talking to strangers, doesn’t any more because I forced myself to talk to strangers. The more I did it, the more comfortable I was doing it.

   I also tend to plan things out very carefully, so I have a plan in case something goes wrong. If I’m going on a trip, I make sure my spare tire is inflated, I have gas, my tires are properly inflated. I have the route planned out. I bring food and snacks. Pain killers for the trips. Extra meds in case I get side tracked and can’t make it back in time.

   1. @Chuckes Tarone
      You may want to try asking your dentist to use a bite-guard. That is a bit of soft, thick plastic that holds your jaws open. You can then freely exercise the jaw muscle’s natural tendency to close without fear. It also removes the pain from trying to hold the jaw open in a position that the mouth not used to holding.

8. Oh my gosh. Trying to explain to someone the irrationality of it all is the hardest part of explaining what triggers my panic attacks. Mine come whenever I have to do something outside of my normal routine. Riding with coworkers to a lunch is torture; so I usually drive myself because then I’m in control. Going to a movie/play/concert is only bearable when I can ensure that my seat is on an end and I have easy access out (I’m great fun to go anywhere with-LOL) God forbid I have to sit in the middle of a row full of people (hint – I don’t!) Unless it’s a major attack, I can often calm it down with a little Rescue Remedy right off the bat. Major attacks, well, they just require isolating myself until it passes.

9. When my brain gets overactive and my mind is so noisy I literally can’t hear anything external, I imagine Patrick Stewart telling my brain to settle down and be quiet. OK technically I imagine Captain Picard doing it. He is an image of authority and his voice is easily conjured, and it works for me.

10. Great advice, Wil. I could not agree more with everything you said. After years of dealing with frequent (sometimes crippling) anxiety and panic attacks, I have come to the very same methods of dealing with it that you describe here. Just one thing I’d like to add, as it has been enormously helpful for me: EXERCISE. Consistent, appropriately-challenging exercise. Daily when necessary. Whatever type works for the individual. For me, it’s long-distance running and/or cycling; I really need the intense aerobics. But yoga, zumba, spin, weights, dance, nature walks, any healthy activity will work. It gives your mind something else to focus on, provides an outlet for you to channel all your negative anxious energy into, and gives you an immediate sense of accomplishment when you feel like everything else is out of control. I cannot say enough good things about it. Make time for it. It is just as important as medication, perhaps more so.

    Thanks for speaking so openly about mental health issues. People need to hear it from someone whom the respect. It took several years for me to understand that my anxiety is not my fault (and I shouldn’t hate myself for it), but accepting defeat and letting it take over my life was my fault. Everyone deserves to be happy. It just takes work to learn how to overcome your own obstacles and achieve happiness for yourself.

11. Yoga breathing has helped me a LOT – there have been a few times where I was able to breathe my way out of a panic attack.

    The act of focusing on the breath, four beats in, eight beats out, all through the nose, helps distract me and calm me down.

12. Thank you for sharing this. I find myself struggling with anxiety attacks and just knowing that I am not alone in it helps.

13. Thanks Wil, you have given me some perspective and food for thought. I believe that maybe my anxiety can be controlled if I just work on weeding out those irrational thoughts.

14. Sometimes in the midst of the rising panic you want to hold onto the irrational feelings/thoughts out of some strange paranoia that without those feelings you’ll be empty. I only hope I will manage to be able to deal with my own problems as reasonably as you’ve expressed above. You’re a truly inspirational, interesting man, wil. Thank you for sharing your processes and thoughts on the matter.

15. Or do what most of us do and suck it up, smile and wait until you are so exhausted that it knocks you out! No’. I am actual telling you what not to do. Your body will physically make you ill. Recognize it, talk it out with a counsellor who doesn’t encourage it, meditation.

16. Thank you so much for further raising awareness of anxiety and mental health! I have suffered for over 20 years with depression and anxiety, for so long i felt alone and unable to share my feelings with those around me, but i cannot stress enough how it feels to be able to pick up the phone or knock on a friends door when i am struggling and know that they are there and i have their support. For me it really is about learning to laugh at the irrational stuff, i cut my finger……. Oh no thats means i’m going to get some kind of infection and die horribly, no it means you wash your finger put on a plaster and get on with what you were doing (possibly with a bit more care than before). Mindfulness is also a great skill, i can’t begin to believe how many experiences i have missed out on due to panic attacks but with Mindfulness i can stay in the moment and not get carried off with negative thinking.

17. The best tool I know for controlling and reducing my anxiety is controlling my breath. I can do that just by taking measured breaths, but for me, the BEST method is singing.

    Other things help – staying on top of my vitamins, meds, sleep, etc. Paying attention to what triggers anxiety consistently.

    But in the moment, with the panic attack looming? SING!

    (Granted, this might not work so well for people who aren’t singers, or for whom it would just add performance anxiety.)

    -E-

18. This was very helpful and one of the best articles and viewpoint about the subject I’ve read in decades. Wil, thank you for sharing your thoughts, how you’ve dealt with your own anxiety and for your encouragement to others in dealing with theirs.

19. Thank you Wil !

20. Thanks for talking public about this!
    When this becomes more common the world is a better place.

21. I like to step away from any immediate sources of noise and chaos, then try a distraction to break any loops, then think if necessary. The more the adrenaline levels can drop first, the better that goes.

    To get to the root of an essentially biological problem:
    I try to remember to think of my body kindly and affectionately, as a mammal that needs care. Am I keeping my unspoken promise to care for myself and keep myself safe? A horse would probably get jumpy if I kept it in a loud crowd, and would need some affection and reassurance to feel ok. Any mammal will get grumpy and off without food, water and occasional breaks. Herd animals like humans want contact with those we care about.

    Promising myself that I will take care of important needs is a good way to cut off the undertow.

22. Great ideas, Wil. I’ve suffered with anxiety for over 30 years and finally decided to get my doctor involved a few years ago. We came up with a plan of treatment that works for me, however more tools in the toolbox is never a bad thing.

    I’m going to put a pill in my wallet as soon as I post this! 🙂

23. Thank you for this, because there needs to be a greater strive in the world of celebrities to seem less like pedestal trophies and more like human beings. When Robin Williams fell to depression and committed suicide, a shock went over the world because we only associated his personalities and his comic work to that name, not him and what he went through.

    I met Elvira (Cassandra) yesterday for the first time. Such an incredibly nice, sweet, down-to-Earth woman. The kind of person you would invite over to a cookout with hotdogs and hamburgers, not severed heads and black costumes. And I think that drives home how what is seen on television is just a performance to entertain. There are real people underneath those people, and the world really needs to know how important it is that celebrities go through everything that everyone else does. Even the world “celebrity” creates a distinction between “average people” — people are people, humans are humans.

    I don’t know how celebrities can organize together to put these PSA messages out, but they need to. It has to be done for the sake of everyone, everywhere. People who aren’t famous think they never will be, and famous people are confined to personas. This has to be broken.

24. I’m sharing this link with a friend whose hundband experiences panic attacks. Very practical tools. Thanks for sharing.

25. Great suggestions – I find that focusing on my breathing also helps.

26. I totally second the Dr. thing. What I’ve found is that knowing I HAVE the medication is often enough to help quell the panics. I’ve got more depression than anxiety and while my depression meds work really well they don’t have an anxiety component to them. When I went to my Doctor we made a deal; she’d give me a powerful anti-anxiety medicine as long as I promised if I started needing it more than once or twice a week I’d come in and we’d do a daily. Its been 13 months, and I still have 11 pills left of the 30. I know its there if I need it and that’s helped so much.

27. Last time I sought help from my new doctor after moving I was told that my BPD and anxiety are complete crap (she said a lot more than that and the word “crap” came into play about five times). I have possible RA and need blood drawn but now just the mere thought of returning to that office sends me into panic attacks. It’s a daily struggle to get myself outside to walk 20 feet to my mailbox, let alone go to the store, and now I have this weight on me like if I try to find another doctor they’ll tell me the same thing, that my mental instability is crap and I should just get over it.

    Right now what focuses my mind is escaping. I’m a writer. So finding solace in the worlds I’m creating really helps to calm me down. Unfortunately it can become a form of procrastination (hello slipping college grades) and on my worst days even that doesn’t help (queue Netflix marathons!)

    It’s so great seeing people becoming not only more aware of mental health problems, but also more supportive of those who are living with them. I think identifying it and getting help from supportive people, including family, friends and spouses, is more important than trying to medicate yourself into some false idea of normalcy.

    PS: Wesley was my favorite character in TNG growing up. You rock!

28. You’re making this harder than it needs to be.

    One word…

    Gymkata.

29. Thank you for sharing your experiences. I would love to be medication-free (or at least to the degree that you are). I’ve had depression since I was around 15, but the anxiety/panic attacks started when I was about 22. My first one struck just before waking. I woke to the sensation that I was having a heart attack. I guess this could’ve been explained if there was an alarm clock blaring, but there was not. I rocked back and forth in bed, trying to calm myself. It worked, after about 5 minutes of certainty that I would die. Other attacks have come midday, usually without a readily identifiable causation. They now manifest themselves as near-fainting episodes, where I need to lie down. I can usually breathe/relax my way through the 5-15 minute process, but with a full time semi professional job that involves driving and in-person interviews in the field, I can’t run the risk. Hoping I can find some alternatives to give my body a break from the chemicals.

30. No one in my family suffers from panic attacks so i have not had to deal with this on a regular basis.

    However, i have new co-worker that suffers from this and it took me a while to recognize when she was going into panic mode (over something irrational, that was my brain talking 🙁 ). i failed to act and as a result, her next class (we’re teachers) sort of saw a little of her minor breakdown. She did take a pill, but still, i wish i had been more of a help to work with her and help her recognize what was rational and irrational.

    She came by later to apologize on how she acted and i was able to let her know that even if i didn’t realize what was happening at that moment, i am always available to support her (which i was able to do at a later date) and an apology was not necessary.

    i think that it is important for friends and family to know how they can help (as you mentioned), but sometimes it’s more difficult if it’s co-workers and there may not be that close, personal relationship and either party may feel alienated about reaching out and asking for or offering help.

    Fortunately, she and i have a friendship now that enables us to support each other, but i know that is not always the case with everyone.

31. My doc said she is not experienced enough with the escalation of my anxiety (which is directly linked to being stalked). I think i found one doc who specializes in this and my area .. dealing with insurance and all that. I know my limits and i must be in therapy .. MUST! .. I will save this email for sure. THIS IS A GREAT POST .. Hope you have a great day and tell Mrs. W hi for me 🙂 blessings to u

32. I am not a Dr or any thing either. My wife has gad, withe panic attacks. I just wanted to share some of the things she does to when she feels a panic attack coming. She is a chronic list maker, she colors in coloring books, she gets online and researches some thing from ine if her list. Many of her many list just a couple hints of things that maybe you could do to slow down or stop a panic attack she does these things in order to change her train of thought and that usually takes care of whatever is causing her panic attack if we’re out and about she just a list making if I ever fell all else fails she takes medication but she does have a things first so good luck with your issues and I certainly hope . you can come up with things that will help you as well good luck and be well.

33. This was the best thing that happened to me today, on my birthday. It was a crappy birthday. It’s not a revelation of course, I knew via testing I had “slight” OCD, particularly with social anxiety. Wish I could keep the OCD and lose the social phobia though. Pipe dream…

34. This is one of the most helpful things I’ve read on anxiety. I have a four year old autistic son and because of my social anxieties I cause him to miss valuable opportunities for social encounters. This is partly because I’m nervous in large groups, and because I think my kid is the coolest kid on planet earth, it’s hard to see him rejected when he can’t respond to other children in the manner deemed appropriate by society, and when he is rejected, the anxiety really kicks in to high gear.
    I don’t want to just take a medication every day, so I’m gong to try your method and see what happens. Thanks for not being afraid to share.

    1. And that reads like a huge run-on sentence!

35. i absolutely love the idea of making a list. i will try that next time, for sure! thanks for caring and sharing. xo

36. For anyone suffering from chronic anxiety or depression, I beg you to try an experiment of avoiding all grains and sugar for at least a week– three weeks preferably. Focus your diet on meats and vegetables and some fruit. Naturally derived fats are FINE. (butter, animal fats). It is extremely likely you react to gluten with systemic inflammation and its effect on the brain is anxiety, mental fog and depression.

    If anyone had told me I reacted that way to something as “harmless” and ubiquitous as what gluten, I would have said they were crazy. Now I know different. Even today I have to remain vigilant– which for me means I can eat something “small” containing wheat maybe up to once a day– once every few days is much better–But again take care lest it start to creep back into two and three times a day and then back to chronic anxiety and depression. Not to mention the belly bloat that comes with it.

    Please, I beg you, just try it. It is all about DIET.

37. It is so good to here you being open and honest about your anxiety. So often it feels like I want to run and hide but it helps to know you’re not the only one.
    Thanks so much!

38. Thank you so much for sharing this. I’ll try your tips if my anxiety comes back. And I feel also less alone to travel with one or two pills in my pocket, just in case. I think that having this is also very helpful itself, to avoid the “fear of the fear” that may come as a new subject of anxiety.
    Thanks again ! 

39. Thank you so much for your taking time to share this with us.

40. What can someone do for a person whose anxiety IS rational, though? If his anti anxiety meds have failed, various nootropics have failed, therapy is… not having the hoped-for effect, while the person ends up losing his job (which was his fear) because the stress left him unable to do his job any more, his three special needs children need far more time and energy than his spouse can physically give, and one of their daughters is still on hospice care, still dying? Because… I can’t figure out what can be done, but he’s drowning, and I can’t keep shielding him from our kids, nor vice versa.

    His psychiatrist and his therapist say we’re dealing with far more than anyone could handle while remaining sane. This has been going on for years. But… knowing that his anxiety is well founded doesn’t help. I’ve looked it up, and I can’t find a single medication for getting life to ease up a bit.

    On a side note, I’ve discovered that phenibut seems to be more effective for him (with fewer side effects) than clonazepam or lorazepam for acute anxiety. Everyone’s chemistry is different, though.

41. I’m not a doctor either, so please don’t take this as medical advice either. I have found a strategy that is very helpful and thought I would share.

    I find it helpful to separate intellectual thoughts from emotional thoughts. Similar to what you are saying Wil. In your example of the flights, your first statement was a rational thought, your second one was an emotional thought with what looks like fear as the motivator. It’s helpful for me to akmowledge the fear instead of just putting it aside in a mental trash can. For me if I say to myself “that’s fear, valid, however in this circumstance, unlikely.” For me if I ignore the emotion, then it comes back. Like it finds a way out of the trash can and sometimes it comes back larger than before, more forceful.

    I practice an exercise of writing from the mind, from the emotions, from the body, and from my whole self when I am very muddled. It helps me to see where the thoughts are coming from. I can now usually do this mentally in a moment of big emotion like anxiety…

    Your example of the party/convention etc is one where, for me, my thoughts may come from my body. For example “holy crap I can’t deal with all these people right now, it’s hot, my heart is racing, I’m sweating, I’m tired.” Those thoughts for me are a signal that my body is overwhelmed and I might need to take a few moments to myself, maybe water, food, maybe a rest. I’ve left convention gatherings and gone up to my hotel room for a 20 min rest/room service and then returned to the convention gathering. (I call it recess. Like in grade school.)

    In any case I thought I would share in the event that this helps. It certainly has made my life much more enjoyable!

42. Also, for Australian readers of Wil’s blog. For help, go to Beyond Blue at https://www.beyondblue.org.au/ or call 1300 22 4636

43. I reposted this to social media, and have re-read it quite a few times. I suffer from PTSD (non-military related) and find what you have said to be a helpful practice. The social worker I saw for help recommended several practices, familiar to playback. I can’t thank you enough for sharing your struggle. It helps. Really, it does.

44. perfect.

45. At this point in my life I’m just learning to articulate the rational/nonrational bits – and now I’m going to try and envision that garbage can. I know everyone has said this, but thank you for saying this stuff out loud. It makes more of a difference than you could ever rknow.

46. I’m 45 and have recently had my first brush with an anxiety attack. My variety of anxiety came about at 3 a.m. with me going over every conversation I’d had at a party and feeling like I was a complete idiot and everyone hated me. I eventually talked myself out of that, with a therapist’s help, but it was an eye opener. Also, it’s good for people you admire to share their experiences because then you don’t feel like such a failure when it happens to you.

47. My 13 year old daughter suffers from anxiety. I try to help and get her the professional help she needs and the medication she needs. I tell her honestly about my own and about what has worked for me. But I am her mom, in some ways, I am not a real person to her.

    But I am going to send her to this, because it will mean something to her that Wil Wheaton, that guy she half-worships from Tabletop, understands and shares some of this with her.

    There aren’t many place on the internet I would be comfortable just sending her. Thank you.

48. (Disclaimer: I am not a doctor or a therapist or a psychologist. This is just what works for me. It may work for you, or it may not. If you’re suffering from panic attacks or other anxiety disorders, talk to your doctor or a mental health professional. There, that should be enough to keep me from getting sued. :-D)

    I began suffering from panic attacks around the time I turned 30, which was nearly fifte– er, three or four years ago. 🙂 I experimented with various techniques for dealing with panic attacks, and the one that has worked best for me is called Stop-Breathe-Refocus. It’s basically a combination of two things, slow breathing and mental “busywork.” Here’s how it works.

    The moment you start to sense that “spiral” that characterizes panic attacks, immediately slow your breathing down. Breathe in slowly over a duration of about six seconds, then exhale slowly for another six seconds. (To keep track of time, you count “one-one thousand, two-one thousand” in your head until you get to six-one thousand.) Keep doing this until the attack subsides, and then keep it up for another five minutes just to be safe. (In time, you’ll get a better feeling for how long you actually need to keep it up afterwards, and you probably won’t need the full five minutes.) The slow breathing helps to relax you. But more than that, it breaks the panic cycle by convincing the body that it is no longer in fight-or-flight mode, and that it can cease adrenaline production and return to normal.

    Next, as you’re breathing slowly, busy your mind with some sort of puzzle, problem, or mental task. Just about anything requiring mental effort will work. If you’re on the road, try counting the number of vowels on the billboards you pass, or try reading them backwards. If you like math, try multiplying a pair of two-digit numbers, or convert a three digit base-10 number to base-7. Or you could list the states in reverse alphabetical order, or figure out how many words you can create from the letters in your name, or play six degrees of Kevin Bacon with your favorite actor. The possibilities are endless. All that matters is that the task is difficult, but not impossible, to do in your head. Your mind is not infinite– there are hard physical limits on how much it can process at one time. By devoting your mind’s processing power to solving a puzzle, you are robbing it of the processing power it needs to maintain the panic cycle.

    When you first start doing SBR, you’ll probably have to keep doing it for several minutes in order to get the panic cycle under control. The good news is that the more you practice SBR, the quicker it works. After 15 years of doing SBR, I find that merely beginning to breathe more slowly is enough to defuse an impending panic attack. (Obviously, your mileage may vary.) If you’re struggling with panic attacks, I highly recommend giving SBR a try. It easy, and it doesn’t cost anything, so why not? 🙂

49. I knew you were a cool guy but you just raised the bar. Thank you

50. Wow, I think I just had an epiphany. Your willingness to be so open with the world about your very personal struggles with mental health, may have just clued me into a problem I have been struggling with for a couple of years and why I haven’t been able to figure out how to fix it. I think I have some work to do and maybe an appointment to make. Thank you Wil.

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