About twenty years ago, I had a portable spa in the back yard of my first house. One day, the heater stopped working, so I called a repairman to come out and look at it. He told me that there would be an $85 charge no matter what, and I told him that was okay. When he got to my house, he opened up the access panel where the heater, pump, and filter lived. He looked inside, then looked back at me.
“Did you try pushing the reset button?” He asked.
“Um. No,” I said.
He pushed the reset button, and the heater came back to life.
“That’ll be $85,” he said. I paid him.
This post is about realizing that I was sitting in cold water, and not doing anything to turn the heater back on. This post is about how I hit the reset button.
I had this epiphany at the beginning of September: This thing that I’m doing? This series of choices I make every day? It isn’t working. I don’t like the way I feel, I don’t like the way I look, I don’t like the things I’m doing. Things need to change.
So I took a long, hard, serious look at myself, and concluded that some things needed to change.
- Drink less beer.
- Read more (and Reddit does not count as reading).
- Write more.
- Watch more movies.
- Get better sleep.
- Eat better food.
- Exercise more.
All of these things are interconnected in ways that are probably obvious and non-obvious, and by making a commitment to do my best to accomplish these things, I’ve been able to do a soft reboot of my life.
The hardest part of this was not drink less beer, which surprised me. The hardest part has been writing more. The easiest part of this has been exercise more, which also surprised me. I thought watching more movies would be easy, but it turns out that time is not a renewable resource, nor can time be stretched out in any real way that lets me get, say, four hours of movie into an hour of linear time.
In fact, if I’m being honest with myself (and I have to be, because being honest with myself is the only way this is going to work; I’m making major life changes here, remember), all of these things are hard to a certain degree, and that’s okay, because everything worth doing is hard.
So let’s go down this list and talk about each thing a little bit:
Drink less beer.
I love beer. I mean, I really love it. I brew it, I write about it, I design recipes of my own, and I’ve structured entire meals around what food will pair with the beer I want to drink. The thing about beer, though, is that it’s really easy to just keep on drinking it until it’s all gone or your brain goes, “um, hey, man, ithinkthat … imean … I mean, sorry, hold on. I th- think that youvehadneough.” Excessive drinking isn’t just tough on my liver (which has been a fucking CHAMP for years), it’s also tough on my brain because of my Depression. It’s tough on my heart, too, it turns out, because alcohol the carbohydrates are metabolized as sugar* which drives up insulin which makes my cholesterol go up which is bad for my heart thanks a lot genetics.
So I just made a commitment to drink less, drink more responsibly, and keep the intoxicating effects of the beers I love to a minimum. The first two weeks of this were really tough because I was habitually drinking two or three beers a night, but once I got used to it and broke the habit, it became as easy as I think it’s going to get (and that varies from day to day).
Read more. Write more.
These go together more closely than any other things on this list. Stephen King says that writers who don’t make time to read aren’t going to make time to write and holy shit is that exactly, perfectly true. I need to read so that my imagination is inspired. I need to read so I get an artistic and creative hunger that can only be fed by writing. I need to read so that I feel challenged to scrape ideas out of my skull and turn them into words and images. I need to read because if I don’t, I’m not going to make time to write, and even though I’ve had a lot of success recently as an actor and host and Guy On The Internet, all of those things are ultimately in the hands of others. I became a writer ten years ago because I not only loved it, but because it was a way for me to express myself creatively in a way that ultimately gave me control over my own destiny and my own life.
I struggled as an actor for years (it’s all in my book, Just A Geek! You should buy it!) and I was doomed to a future as a Former Child Star with occasional, humiliating, soul-crushing reality TV gigs if I was lucky. But I made a choice about twelve years ago to stop chasing the big film career I always felt I deserved (and maybe would have had, if I’d made different choices and had better advisers when I was younger) and start telling stories. By writing those stories and embracing the love I’d always had for creative writing, I made a second act in my life (take that, F. Scott Fitzgerald!).
Now this could sound like I’m complaining, or ungrateful, but I promise that isn’t the case. I am totally aware that a combination of hard work, privilege, and luck have all come together for me and put me in a very good place. But I worry about things. A lot. When the night is darkest, and it seems like the sun may never rise, I worry about how long I can sustain this life. I worry about what will happen when the people who choose to hire actors decide that they don’t want to hire me any more. I worry about how I’ll support and provide for my family, and on and on and on.
I am profoundly and completely grateful for the success I had and continue to have, because of the hard work I did in those years. I’m so lucky and grateful for the things I’ve been able to do on TV, and I’m really proud of the things I’ve created for Geek & Sundry. But even Tabletop and Titansgrave aren’t mine the same way a story I wrote is. In fact, the show I did with my name in the title was probably the least “mine” of anything I’ve ever done, and that didn’t feel particularly good at the end of the day.
But writing and storytelling always feels good. It’s truly mine, whether it’s awesome or shit, and nobody can take it away from me. For all of this year and most of last year, I hardly wrote anything of consequence. A few blogs, a couple of columns, and some small creative things that were always well received by the audience, sure, but never consistently and never in a way that fed the creative hunger that constantly makes my stomach growl. Going all the way back to last August, I swore that I’d take more time away from other things to focus on writing and taking the pages and pages of story ideas I have in my little notebook and turning them into actual stories. The thing is, when I took that time off, my health and mana were so depleted, I couldn’t find it in myself to do the work. Every few months, I’d take a week or two off, and instead of writing like I wanted to, I’d play video games and do nothing else, because I was just so goddamn tired. Then I would look up, realize a couple of weeks had passed, I hadn’t done anything, and I needed to get back to “real” work. I would feel frustrated and empty, and the whole cycle would start all over again.
I’ve been reading this book called The War of Art. It gets a little churchy at points, but I can skip over that and focus on the stuff that helps me: identifying all the barriers we create to give us the excuses we crave to not create. It turns out that if I were as good at sitting down and writing as I am at coming up with all the reasons I just can’t do it today, I’d have written ten novels this year.
So a big part of this Life Reset I’m doing is being honest with myself about why I want to write, why I need to write, and why I keep making excuses for not doing it. I won’t go into it, because it’s either too personal or too boring, but if you’re reading this and starting to have the glimmer of an epiphany about your own creative process, maybe pick up this book and check it out. It’s been very helpful for me.
Yesterday, I wrote over 3000 words. I only stopped because it was time to leave for a hockey game (there’s that privilege again), and I felt so goddamn good about myself when I walked out my door. I couldn’t wait to get back to work today, and I’m having so much fun writing this story, it may not even be fair to call it work.
Reading is an important component of this entire process for me, and making time to nourish my creative side has made a big and positive difference. Whether it’s comic books, magazine articles, fiction or non-fiction, I’m reading every day, and finding inspiration in everything I read.
Watch more movies.
Thanks to Netflix, Hulu, Amazon Video, and a billion movie channels, we have access to more movies than we can ever watch, and that is amazing. Watching movies is, for me, similar to reading books. It’s part homework (as an actor and writer) and part inspiration. I have the opportunity to make short films with Nerdist and Geek & Sundry, so watching movies — good movies, not disposable trash — just makes sense. It also engages my brain in creative and intellectual ways that are important. I need to watch things and feel like I can do that, too, or feel like if that thing got made, there’s no reason I couldn’t make one of my own things. Hell, in this room where I am right now, I have everything I need to take some sort of simple creative idea and turn it into a movie. So why not? Why not watch movies as varied as the true classics (Sunset Boulevard, Chinatown) to the weird 70s experimental (The Trip, Scorpio Rising) to the epic blockbusters (Star Wars, Jaws) and get inspired by them? This is something that I need to do, because sitting in my office all day and looking at the Internet isn’t making me happier, more creative, more productive, or more inspired.
Related: listen to more podcasts like Lore, You Must Remember This, The Memory Palace, Welcome to Night Vale, The Black Tapes, and Unfictional. Those all inspire me to learn more, focus on pacing and storytelling and narrative, and make me want to be a more interesting person.
Get better sleep.
Maybe this is a strange one, but hear me out: for months — most of this year, in fact, now that I think of it — I haven’t slept well. I’ve had the hardest time, ever, falling asleep and staying asleep. I’ve had nightmares that terrify me from the moment I finally fall asleep, well into the following day as they haunt my memories. I’ve lived with the constant dread of waking up in a panic attack, and then waking up in a panic attack. It’s been terrible, and has contributed tremendously to my inability to get motivated, my reliance on alcohol to relax and go to sleep at night, and a general feeling of exhaustion, laziness, pessimism, and futility. I talked with my psychiatrist about it, and we tried sleep medication, which only made my body feel tired, while my brain was still racing along at the speed of terror. After several different attempts and failures, we tried changing up my brain meds, and about six weeks ago, I finally started feeling like a human again. I won’t go into the deep science of it, but we think I just had too much of some chemicals in my brain, and not enough of others. And it turns out that drinking alcohol to help you go to sleep does not result in good sleep, but does result in feeling like shit when you wake up.
So by committing to getting better sleep, I have changed up my evening and nighttime routines. I eat earlier, I drink less, I read more, and I’ve been able to slowly adjust my circadian rhythm from wanting to sleep at 2am to wanting to sleep around 11pm. I’ve used some great apps on my Droid to help me monitor things and determine what patterns work best for me, and while it’s still a work in progress — this entire thing is a work in progress, actually — it’s definitely getting better. When I don’t have nightmares all goddamn night, I’m more rested when I wake up. When I’m rested, I feel better in every aspect of my being. When I feel better, I am more creative and more willing to allow myself to take the risk of feeling good about myself.
Isn’t that strange? It’s a thing that I do, that I’ve done for my whole life: I don’t want to take the risk of feeling good about myself, because I’m afraid that I’ll get complacent, or arrogant, or someone will discover the Truth that my Depression tells me: I’m not that great and I don’t deserve to feel good about myself. I’m reading another book, called Trapped in the Mirror, that’s really helping me get through that, though.
So I take the risk of feeling good about myself, and more often than not, I actually do feel good about myself.
Eat better.
We all say we’re going to do this, and we always make excuses for why we don’t. Now I’ve been very lucky. My whole life, I’ve been able to stay at a healthy weight and body type without much effort … then I turned 40. In the last couple of years, I gained almost 30 pounds, my cholesterol went through the roof, and my whole body began to hurt, all the time.
There’s no excuse or rationalizing, here. I just wasn’t taking care of myself. I wasn’t eating right. I wasn’t getting good nutrition. I wasn’t thinking of food as fuel and nutrients. I wasn’t making an effort to be smart about this, because I didn’t particularly care about myself. I didn’t really like myself, I didn’t feel like I could do anything about getting tubby and slow and out of shape, because I was just getting older and that’s the way it was.
That’s all bullshit. Here’s the thing, and this is pretty much the whole reason I made a choice almost three months ago to hit this reset button and really get my life together: I didn’t like myself. I didn’t care about myself. There’s a bit more to it, but that’s the two things that exist the most clearly and form the root of the last few years of my life. In fact, it took my wife, who is the most important person in my whole universe, telling me, “I feel like you don’t care about having a long life together with me, because you don’t care about taking care of yourself.”
Well, that was ridiculous. Of course I cared about having a long life with her! Of course I cared … didn’t I?
I cared about her, and I cared about our kids, but I didn’t really care about myself. And my Depression was doing a really good job of making sure that I didn’t really think about my choices and my actions affected the people I love and care about the most in this world. That was what made me look up, take my head out of the darkness, and commit to doing all of these things.
It turns out that eating well, consistently, isn’t as easy as just eating what I want, when I want. It turns out that it’s really hard to break out of bad habits, but it also turns out that, once I made the commitment to do that, I started feeling better almost immediately. I got an app that makes it easy to track my nutrition, calories, and exercise, and in a very short amount of time, I lost almost all the weight I’d gained. I’d still like to lose five more pounds, and that five pounds is really keen on sticking around, but it’s slowly coming off, it’s staying off, and it feels great. Also, having a digital scale that lets me track precisely how much I just pooped is probably the pinnacle of technology in the 21st century.
And a super bonus that comes with this? My body doesn’t hurt like it did, because I’m not schlepping around extra weight. My joints are healthy, my muscles are stronger, and my skeleton is just in better shape, and that leads me into the last part of this.
Exercise regulary.
My son, Nolan, is a personal trainer. He’s in phenomenal shape, looks like Thor (for reals), and trains both me and his mom. So I should be in great shape, right?
Well, if I’d stuck to a good diet, taken better care of myself, and felt like I actually deserved to feel good about myself, then yes. But as we’ve seen, that just wasn’t happening. I worked out a couple of times a week, I did good, hard workouts, but then I’d feel sore and tired and wasn’t getting the results I wanted (mostly due to poor diet) and I’d come up with reasons not to do it. Then I’d make the mistake of seeing myself in the mirror when I got out of the shower, and I’d really hate myself.
I think that lifting weights and doing inside stuff just isn’t for me. I get bored easily, and I don’t fully participate in the workouts. But I love running. I used to run marathons and 5Ks all the time, and my entire self felt amazing when I did. So why not give running a try again? The excuses wrote themselves.
I was working on Con Man with Sean Astin. Sean told me about the Ironman Triathlon he was training for, and I complained that I couldn’t run anymore, because my body always hurt. Sean talked to me about the diet aspect of it, and then suggested that I use a method of mixing running with walking to work myself back into shape.
So I bought an app called Zombies, Run 5K for my phone. It uses recording and all the various sensors in my phone to let me imagine that I’m a runner in the zombie apocalypse. While I am being trained by a doctor, I listen to my music (Taylor Swift and Tove Lo accompany me on most of my runs) and a story unfolds in my ears. I’m three weeks into the training, and while it’s starting to ramp up from challenging to difficult, it feels great. I look forward to every run, I challenge myself to go as hard and as long as I can (that’s what she said) and the benefits to my self-esteem, my physical and mental health, and overall quality of life are incredible. If I was looking to quantify the value of this, it would probably be like spending five bucks to get ten thousand dollars of awesome. (Does that make sense? I’ve been writing this for a long time and the words are starting to get blurry on the screen).
I deserve to be happy. I deserve to feel good about myself. I can do the work that I need to do to accomplish these things.
If I tried to do just one of these things, and I stayed committed to it, I’d probably feel better about myself. Doing all of them together isn’t necessarily easier, but it isn’t necessarily harder, either. Every one of these things supports the other in a sparkling geometric structure of awesome that is making my life significantly and consistently better.
I just did a word count on this, and I’m at nearly 3500 words. I didn’t intend to write this much, and I suspect that most people will tl;dr it, but I’m glad that I spent the time thinking about these things and writing them down like this. I’m sure I’ll revisit this, rewrite it, and revise it, but I’m going to publish it now without a lot of editing. This is raw, and I feel like it’s supposed to be.
* Note: I got the science on this wrong. Per a comment: “In case it matters, consider the inaccuracy of your thoughts about alcohol and what it does to your body. See the Oracle of Wikipedia for details. It’s not the ALCOHOL that hurts your circulatory system (I have the same hypertriglyeridemia genetics problem BTW). It’s the simple carbohydrates that become sugars alkalize immediately. That is, it’s the carb filled beer not the ALCOHOL in it that causes the problem. I’m not a carb hater or fad dieter. But I do believe in studying science and trying to understand reasons for why I need to change my behaviors. That helps with motivations. After all: who would argue with scientific facts?”
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Thank you for sharing this, for being honest about how depression plays into all of the choices you were making before this reboot. I’ve been attempting my own version of the reboot for a few years, but it hasn’t quite taken yet because my body keeps throwing new and better (worse) problems at me. I’m not giving up though.
Will you be using NaNoWriMo to get more writing done? I like it because it gives me a hard target for words on a page each day.
Thanks again for sharing with this mentally ill blogger, aspiring novelist, geek, audiobook fan, etc.
I second using NaNoWriMo as a catalyst for getting more writing work done, especially if you can turn off your inner editor and just let the words flow. That said, last year I would reward myself with one beer for every 2000 words I wrote, which may seem counterintuitive to Wil Wheaton’s first change, but man is it a great motivator when you love beer, as I do myself, as well. Never have I enjoyed having 2-3 beers in one night more than during last November. Maybe this time I’ll bump it up to one beer per every 3000 words and end up writing two novels (because yes, I love beer that much).
As someone who lives with anxiety and depression and who has spawned kids who do (and who also love you and all you do), I am so grateful for your writing. I too have not ended up living the life I expected and it’s so easy to add bitterness to the pile of reasons not to take care of myself. Thanks for reminding us all that there is so much to live for and that a “reset” is possible.
I want to tell you a bit about how I accidentally became sober. For a long time my drinking habits were like yours- two, three, maybe four beers a night, and it was a bit of a strain on my system but I thought I was managing it pretty well. Then one night I “accidentally” drank a whole six pack and the next morning I collapsed twice and my wife called 911 and much embarrassment and such. Yes, Depression plays a role here too. So in any case I quit for a while but I didn’t really like that so I took up drinking in the evenings again, limiting myself to a tallboy, no more, each night. Oh, and hiding it from my wife as well as I could because, well, the thing with falling down and such. So I’m not super happy with this arrangement but every day I’m looking forward to that tallboy and how I’ll get my hands on one and it will be so awesome when I have it. Because, let’s all agree a tallboy with say 6.8% alcohol is about just right and you feel good when you have it and you don’t feel so bad when you wake up in the morning. Many, many times I’d reflected on sobering up for good but like you I love beer and socializing and I really wasn’t motivated.
So anyways, one day a week or so ago I’m arriving at Trader Joe’s fully intending to pick up a tallboy with the groceries, but I’m a bit wiped out and I’m thinking to myself “this feels a bit like a hangover and I don’t really feel like picking up a beer.” Followed shortly by “wouldn’t it be awesome if there was some pill you could take on the way to the grocery store that gave you ten minutes of intense hangover to remind you don’t really want to drink?” Because we’ve all been there where we swear to ourselves under the shadow of a hangover “never again” and then we’re quite happy to pop open one that same evening.
So there’s this thought floating through my mind about this awesome cure-for-drinking pill when I run a mental calculation- when was the last time I had a drink? Let’s see, Saturday night, that was, what, Oct 16? [wrong, but whatever] And now it’s Tuesday and I haven’t had a drink in 3 days. October 16. October 16. October 16. For the next 15 minutes this date is running through my head like a mantra. I’m completely consumed remembering it as I pick up the groceries- like a phone number you’ve just heard and your life depends on remembering it. I skip the tallboys. Oct 16. Oct 16. I’m at the cashier. Oct 16 Oct 16 I’m driving home.
For the next few days every time the urge to drink takes my this date jumps out of the shadows like a ninja and fucking eviscerates that idea. I recall that date several time a day. It’s hilarious that it’s wrong, which took me like a week to figure out. But still. I’m 11 days in and counting and feel no real urges, as if a switch was just turned off.
The amazing but simultaneously frustrating thing about this is that this sobering-up thing was something my brain took on as a project without any real conscious input. I never set out to do this but I stumbled on this method that seems to be working. And it’s a method I can’t really proscribe to you or anyone else because it’s a little too weird and accidental and I’m certain if I had set out to do the same thing consciously I would have failed at it. The brain is a pretty messed up little machine and it’s amazing the things it will do to surprise you.
Kudos to you Wil. I had the same epiphany about taking control of my own life after a series of unfortunate live events led me to a state of being depressed, over-weight and generally unhappy in life. I also decided to take matters into my own hands when I turned 39 vowing that by the time I turned 40, or as someone once described – the end of life as you know it – and make things better. I started running and eating better. Two years later I have run a marathon and scores of other long distance runs. I lost 40+ pounds and feel so much better. I also got back to reading,which was something I had enjoyed so very much before these unfortunate life events occurred. These three things helped me to right the ship. You are correct in that it isn’t easy. But it certainly is doable. You just have to commit to it. Thank for your post. PS – Well done on your narration of the Ernest Cline novels. I thoroughly enjoyed them!
Hi Wil. You might enjoy this rant by Harlen Ellison when a film company wanted to use his work free for a DVD they were making:
Bravo Harlan Ellison. Perfect. Lends credence to any artist treated this way, (and there are a lot).
Just stumbled on this link for the first time. Thanks for writing this. Totally LoVe it and yes I will be buying your book!
Be well.
Wil–I effing love your stuff and always enjoy your work. That said, I have one possible cheat on the time factor involved in all the above (And I deeply, sadly, agree about all on the beer part). This involves reading. I now always include listening to an an unabridged recorded book. This one hack allows me to keep up with good stories, or in-depth information in the case of nonfiction, as well as work out at the same time. For me, it’s a godsend. For instance, I just finished Scalzi’s “Agent to the Stars.” Bonus–you were reading it. Good job! Thanks for the frankness and guidance offered by this piece. Thanks for makin’ it happen out there.
A lot of good advice and I couldn’t help but chuckle when the repairman asked about the reset button. At least he’d set your expectations appropriately while on the phone. BTW, Wil–I completely agree with your decision NOT to allow HuffPost to publish your work without compensation. I agree, also, with your explanation. All they wanted to do was capitalize on your name and fame.
Thanks so much for this delightfully frank depiction of something that is one one hand very personal to you, but on the other very generally hard for a human being to process. Our stories are unsurprisingly different, but the power of excuses is so frustratingly strong, and it was very refreshing to read through your experiences with that struggle to cut through the excuses and earnestly change things up. I will keep this handy for the next few days while I try to figure out my reboot process. Take care!
I found this very inspiring! I had a similar epiphany a year ago – especially re: the diet, sleep and mood connection. My P/T got me on the Wahls Protocol which is essentially clean eating for folks who like meat. Dr. Wahls is one of the most inspiring folks I’ve read about. Her story about how she treated her MS with eating properly is mind-blowing…really! After a year I am the leanest and strongest I have ever been. After years of sleep issues and mood swings, I feel like a totally different person. I never realized what all the carbs I was eating were doing to me! I kinda get on a platform about it wherever I go. But everyone wants to know what I’m doing that keeps me looking like this at almost 45! 😉 Keep up the good work!
Oh wow… that just clicked in my head. Will change those 7 things in my life too. And I kinda have to,
all that and meditate. I’m not kidding. It will help your sleep and happiness. There is a free Deepak Chopra/Oprah 21 day meditation series coming up. Check it out. Very nice blog, btw.
Thank you so much for sharing your story with us. I haven’t read through the other comments so I don’t know if I am repeating something here, but I would like to suggest a couple resources that may be helpful if I may be so bold. The first is Nerd Fitness. It is a website for nerds trying to be healthier and “level up your life” as we say. We also talk of “respawning” like hitting the reset button and doing what works for you instead of following the latest fad, with a bunch of geeky humor thrown in. The second is Strong Inside Out. Amy Clover who runs the site is a personal trainer who understands depression and advocates rising above the darkness through fitness. She has been instrumental in my transformation when hitting the reset button on my life.
This sleep scan meditation has done wonders for me. See #8: https://itunes.apple.com/us/itunes-u/mindful-meditations/id434136047?mt=10
I love this. Every word. I dig that it’s inspiring without being preachy. Thanks for sharing your words and your truth.
Thank you for this. My daughter’s been arguing with depression since 8th grade – she’s 27 now. She’s always open for inspiring thoughts, stories and ideas, and definitely not afraid to make changes in order to “reboot”. So, thanks again for writing this. I’m asking her to read it. It’s always good to know there are other people going through the same crappola.
Hey man. I had no idea about your site or any of the cool stuff you are into. I just thought you were hilarious on Big Bang and seemed down to earth. I have a lot of digging to do on your site. This article hits home with me, very similar ideas to what I’ve been thinking about lately.
Not sure if you ever travel to Toronto, Canada but if you do then you have to check out some Ontario Craft Beer. There are some really great beers being made up here.
Thanks for taking the time to share your thoughts and feelings about making life changes. You are not alone in trying to reboot your life, a lot of us are looking to do just that. I’ve found some inspirations and value in what you’ve shared. Thanks
Great post! Try giving the”churchy” stuff a chance; it might be more helpful than you think. I too struggle with the idea that I don’t deserve to be taken care of. Your post reminds me to focus on getting rid of that thought. Now I’m off to go buy The War of Art.
Really enjoyed your principled stance on Huffington Post’s parasitic attempt to use your work for nothing. Also enjoyed your post about the seven things you had to change in your life, and your struggle in changing them.
(That said, I noticed a small typo that you might want to change. The second “l” is missing the heading that should read, “Exercise regularly.”
Thank you for sharing this. I’m with you on the need to change up sleep patterns. That’s my biggest challenge at the moment. Good to hear you have had some success in that area. It leaves me feeling encouraged that I can do the same.
Thank for this, Wil. I recently lost my mom and that has really pushed me hard into a depression. I know what you mean about not liking or caring about yourself. This made a lot of sense to me. Maybe I can do something about it. too.
Congratulations!
Not just for the success in shifting life habits, though definitely for that.
More, though, for what it means that you were sitting in that particular cold water.
As you know, the Depression is a hateful traitor who lives rent-free in your brain and wants you dead. That’s how I see mine, anyway.
It starts overt: Just kill yourself, ok? Slit your wrists or takes these pills or whatever. If you learn to beat that voice, it moves to ‘dangerous life choices’: have you considered driving drunk? Taking a stroll in flash flood country? It wouldn’t be your FAULT if you died…
Beat that, and it has to fall back to ‘ruin your life so I will have an easier time with 1 or 2’: don’t worry about the car payment, you can get it tomorrow, they PROBABY won’t repossess you…maybe you should finish this bottle of rum and call in sick instead of giving the presentation.
Learn to manage those impulses, and you force Depression down to its last real resort: The Long Game. Yep, unable to win any other way, your Depression is so solidly under attack it can think of no better tactic than “dammit, maybe…heart disease? Does that even COUNT?”
So yeah, this is a life fight and it never goes away. But dude, GO YOU for running an offense that makes your Depression pin its hopes on partial credit for a heart attack decades down the road — and then denying those hopes as well. Keep kicking its ass, man.
Wesley Crusher didn’t try the reset button? Pickard would be pissed.
This is a nice kick in the ass that many of us need. We all need to hit reset now and again. Thanks.
Come hang out with retired paramedics for story ideas. Because we have real life bizarre life stories. Endless supply. PTSD? Depression? Anxiety, anxiety and more anxiety. And way cool instant gratification.
Much of this reflects my own life and I feel like a good friend has just given me a pep talk; I feel inspired to get my sorry ass back on my bike, set aside that damned peanut brittle and get back in shape. I know how much better I feel when I excercise and work hard, but sometimes we need reminders. As for the beer, your tweets have motivated me to get back to brewing. Damn you Wheaton!
But seriously, thanks for sharing this Wil!
Fantastic all around. I would think that all of these things are just 2 items – get in shape, and be more scholarly. It is the breakdown that makes it so much richer. I laughed hard at the thoughts on beer. Even though it is easy for someone to say “Oh, I think I will cut back on the booze” In reality it is really hard if it is part of your core being.
The other part that made me laugh out loud was the exact weight of the poop by weighing yourself. I have looked at those Withing Scales and they seem like a lot of fun having the data just drop right onto your phone.
This was really long but never tiring. I always get nervous when I read one of your articles as I am worried I will miss so much of the pop culture references but I love to feel the way that you are so excited about life and just that is enough to push the depression to the back of mind.
Honor yourself and keep it up!
Wow! That was fantastically raw and powerful, Will! After following your work for years, I felt like I got a bit of a glimpse into your being (especially your humor) on The Big Bang Theory…and I loved your spirit even more. This, however, is like you threw a window open to your soul and that is one of the most valuable things you could offer to others. For you to speak so honestly and eloquently about issues that many face is a gift. PLEASE continue with your writing. While it’s clearly working well for you, there is also so much you have to give to the rest of us as we all ‘walk each other home’. Thank you.
Oh I love Zombies, Run! I also have massively changed my diet and excercise routine. The best thing was getting a Fitbit! Down 30 lbs since April and working on more! SO keep it up! I just wish it wouldnt rain so much here in PNW, lol. I am not a fan of the treadmill, but at least I can still listen to the zombie app. <3
Hi Wil and Internet,
I recently found your blog and started reading, it took place during a time when I was trying to reboot my own life but managed to knock it off the tracks and into a pit, however I have dragged it back up and started to get on with it again.
Too wit I would like to thank you Wil as a not insignificant amount of your writings helped me get my life under control.
However back to the point I wanted to make, seeing you write this is amazing in many ways, first being able to see someone successfully reboot their life and eloquently explain it is just so lovely and I hope it everything you want, the other part of it is its reassuring and strengthens my feeling of connection to other humans knowing that there are people out there with similar issues and goals.
Overall as someone in the loading up process of there own reboot of life I hope you are enjoying every step of it
Thank you. I needed to hear this today. You have a very profound yet down-to-earth way of articulating your thoughts. Thanks for sharing.
Brilliantly exspressed and quite encouraging, as well as inspirational. Thank you for sharing this revealing insight.
You deserved to get paid for the work you did, but I would be careful about demanding what you deserve. Do you really want what you deserve? (Example: speeding deserves a ticket and a fine.) There are times when we should be thankful when we do not get what we deserve.
“I deserve to be happy.” This is little more than an affirmation. Magic. Worse happiness is fleeting and impossible to hold onto, or even control. It’s not a very lofty goal. Explore things like joy and contentment.
Besides if you had been happy playing video games and drinking beer, you wouldn’t have made all these great changes. Changing the very things you deserve.
Enjoy your burrito
RE: alcohol and metabolism. It turns to fat and much of that fat is stored in your liver. “Stored” = damages. But that’s OK, fructose does the same thing, so avoid fruit juices and sugary drinks instead.
You might want to add my rebooting goal: “Masturbate less frequently.” 😉
With privilege you are able to make choices to help yourself. When your wondering where your next meal I coming from or where your sleeping, at the age of 51 l find its all you on do to stay alive. Depression is a never ending devil that feeds relentlessly on your soul. Being alone in the world is a fight all its own. Nuff said.
Your words made me cry. I’ve been struggling with almost exactly the same things you have. I’m going to print this up and post it on my bedroom wall as a reminder to keep at my goals (which ironically are the same as yours).
Whil, I hope you have less to no nightmares soon. Thank you soooo much for this.
You do know that alcohol is bad for your brains, right?
FYI, There’s a free app for Android called Twilight and it filters the blue light from mobile devices based on your current location, sunrise/set. It really helps our natural sleep rhythm and they say attributes to an hour more of quality sleep. You should try it!
Wil, this is an inspiring piece. I thank you for sharing it. I got a glimpse of who you really are, and that is a thoughtful, sensitive, very intelligent person of great integrity. I like you very much. I wish you, the person writing here, were in my circle of friends, because I would really like to continue learning who you are and what you think about, and just being with such a kind, smart, interesting person. Be well, friend.
Geez, Wil. No matter where I go I keep stumbling across something by you, this time on Medium.
I turned 59 the day before you posted this. I have been unemployed since February, but I will start a new (great) job next Monday.
Depression has been my companion since puberty, except for a magical wonderful decade that crumbled about 15 months ago. I finally got back to a therapist a few months ago (yup, waited a year: I’m a PRO-crastinator, nothing amateur about it) and started on Remeron, which immediately did wonders for my sleep patterns, which in turn did wonders for my peace of mind, which in turn handled my recent (new, first-ever) anxiety affliction.
Oh, and my depression eased as well, just in time for that job interview I knocked out of the ballpark.
I’m sad/glad to hear about your shit, and the getting out thereof. But the timing of your post couldn’t be better. I also have lots of other stuff waiting to be put back in order.
Thank the Flying Spaghetti Monster I hadn’t started making my own beer. I’d have moved into the keg before seeking therapy.
Triathlon rocks (for at least 3 reasons), especially if you add strength/agility training (20 min/day) to balance out the body. It’s what gave me most of that magical decade.
On to the next decade!
Wil, you are a profound writer sir. I had no idea your talents led you in this direction in life. Thanks for the inspiration, I look forward to reading more!
I wonder if you would share the other apps (the nutrition and sleep apps) that you’re using?
If you ever want to really challenge yourself in the diet aspect, read It Starts With Food by Dallas & Melissa Hartwig. It changed my life! I’m not just saying that. It truly did. Reading this, I think I’m going to challenge myself to doing NaNoWriMo this year because I have a story I have been playing out and plotting in my head for years. It’s time to get it out and make room for new ones. Thank you for writing so clearly about depression. I’ve been thru it and now I think my husband is deep in it, because he’s behaving exactly how it sounds when you write. Hopefully he can come out of it, but it will be hard since he’s stuck in a 60 hour retail work week right now.
Wow. I never realized that the famous Wil Wheaton struggled with many of the same issues in his life that I do every day. I happen to struggle with anxiety, which affects my diet, exercise, sleep, motivation, etc. I’m trying to make improvements as well. Some days are more successful than others. Thanks for sharing.
Great article, Awesome video! I remember going for an acting audition years ago. It advertised paid roles. They loved me and offered a part, of course it wasn’t one of the paid roles, apparently they had very few of those, but I would get a DVD.
I had to buy the DVD from Best Buy years later.
Harlan Ellison nailed it.
Wil, you seem like an amazing guy. I wish I knew you IRL. Thank you for this.
Thanks. Thanks.
Terrific and affirming thoughts. Thank you for sharing those ideas.
Wil, if you suffer from depression and you were having nightmares, you should take a look at Childhood Disrupted: How Your Biography Becomes Your Biology and How You Can Heal by Donna Jackson Nakazawa. I’ve been reading about emotional trauma for a few years now and hers is the book that really sums up current understanding, very clearly, and includes a comprehensive discussion of the things that really help to heal. Even if you didn’t have a bad childhood specifically, you may have experienced some one-off emotional trauma that is still making your life difficult. Stuff like that doesn’t go away on its own, it stays with you for life. Give a copy to your psychiatrist, too, and/or ask them what they know about the big CDC-Kaiser Adverse Childhood Experiences study.
If anyone else is curious, there’s more about this stuff here: http://acestoohigh.com/aces-101/
No tl;dr here. (I had to look up that term.) I’m also struggling with many of the things you describe. Thanks for the reading suggestions, and for the kick in the arse. Now – dare me to try NANOWRIMO?