About twenty years ago, I had a portable spa in the back yard of my first house. One day, the heater stopped working, so I called a repairman to come out and look at it. He told me that there would be an $85 charge no matter what, and I told him that was okay. When he got to my house, he opened up the access panel where the heater, pump, and filter lived. He looked inside, then looked back at me.
“Did you try pushing the reset button?” He asked.
“Um. No,” I said.
He pushed the reset button, and the heater came back to life.
“That’ll be $85,” he said. I paid him.
This post is about realizing that I was sitting in cold water, and not doing anything to turn the heater back on. This post is about how I hit the reset button.
I had this epiphany at the beginning of September: This thing that I’m doing? This series of choices I make every day? It isn’t working. I don’t like the way I feel, I don’t like the way I look, I don’t like the things I’m doing. Things need to change.
So I took a long, hard, serious look at myself, and concluded that some things needed to change.
- Drink less beer.
- Read more (and Reddit does not count as reading).
- Write more.
- Watch more movies.
- Get better sleep.
- Eat better food.
- Exercise more.
All of these things are interconnected in ways that are probably obvious and non-obvious, and by making a commitment to do my best to accomplish these things, I’ve been able to do a soft reboot of my life.
The hardest part of this was not drink less beer, which surprised me. The hardest part has been writing more. The easiest part of this has been exercise more, which also surprised me. I thought watching more movies would be easy, but it turns out that time is not a renewable resource, nor can time be stretched out in any real way that lets me get, say, four hours of movie into an hour of linear time.
In fact, if I’m being honest with myself (and I have to be, because being honest with myself is the only way this is going to work; I’m making major life changes here, remember), all of these things are hard to a certain degree, and that’s okay, because everything worth doing is hard.
So let’s go down this list and talk about each thing a little bit:
Drink less beer.
I love beer. I mean, I really love it. I brew it, I write about it, I design recipes of my own, and I’ve structured entire meals around what food will pair with the beer I want to drink. The thing about beer, though, is that it’s really easy to just keep on drinking it until it’s all gone or your brain goes, “um, hey, man, ithinkthat … imean … I mean, sorry, hold on. I th- think that youvehadneough.” Excessive drinking isn’t just tough on my liver (which has been a fucking CHAMP for years), it’s also tough on my brain because of my Depression. It’s tough on my heart, too, it turns out, because alcohol the carbohydrates are metabolized as sugar* which drives up insulin which makes my cholesterol go up which is bad for my heart thanks a lot genetics.
So I just made a commitment to drink less, drink more responsibly, and keep the intoxicating effects of the beers I love to a minimum. The first two weeks of this were really tough because I was habitually drinking two or three beers a night, but once I got used to it and broke the habit, it became as easy as I think it’s going to get (and that varies from day to day).
Read more. Write more.
These go together more closely than any other things on this list. Stephen King says that writers who don’t make time to read aren’t going to make time to write and holy shit is that exactly, perfectly true. I need to read so that my imagination is inspired. I need to read so I get an artistic and creative hunger that can only be fed by writing. I need to read so that I feel challenged to scrape ideas out of my skull and turn them into words and images. I need to read because if I don’t, I’m not going to make time to write, and even though I’ve had a lot of success recently as an actor and host and Guy On The Internet, all of those things are ultimately in the hands of others. I became a writer ten years ago because I not only loved it, but because it was a way for me to express myself creatively in a way that ultimately gave me control over my own destiny and my own life.
I struggled as an actor for years (it’s all in my book, Just A Geek! You should buy it!) and I was doomed to a future as a Former Child Star with occasional, humiliating, soul-crushing reality TV gigs if I was lucky. But I made a choice about twelve years ago to stop chasing the big film career I always felt I deserved (and maybe would have had, if I’d made different choices and had better advisers when I was younger) and start telling stories. By writing those stories and embracing the love I’d always had for creative writing, I made a second act in my life (take that, F. Scott Fitzgerald!).
Now this could sound like I’m complaining, or ungrateful, but I promise that isn’t the case. I am totally aware that a combination of hard work, privilege, and luck have all come together for me and put me in a very good place. But I worry about things. A lot. When the night is darkest, and it seems like the sun may never rise, I worry about how long I can sustain this life. I worry about what will happen when the people who choose to hire actors decide that they don’t want to hire me any more. I worry about how I’ll support and provide for my family, and on and on and on.
I am profoundly and completely grateful for the success I had and continue to have, because of the hard work I did in those years. I’m so lucky and grateful for the things I’ve been able to do on TV, and I’m really proud of the things I’ve created for Geek & Sundry. But even Tabletop and Titansgrave aren’t mine the same way a story I wrote is. In fact, the show I did with my name in the title was probably the least “mine” of anything I’ve ever done, and that didn’t feel particularly good at the end of the day.
But writing and storytelling always feels good. It’s truly mine, whether it’s awesome or shit, and nobody can take it away from me. For all of this year and most of last year, I hardly wrote anything of consequence. A few blogs, a couple of columns, and some small creative things that were always well received by the audience, sure, but never consistently and never in a way that fed the creative hunger that constantly makes my stomach growl. Going all the way back to last August, I swore that I’d take more time away from other things to focus on writing and taking the pages and pages of story ideas I have in my little notebook and turning them into actual stories. The thing is, when I took that time off, my health and mana were so depleted, I couldn’t find it in myself to do the work. Every few months, I’d take a week or two off, and instead of writing like I wanted to, I’d play video games and do nothing else, because I was just so goddamn tired. Then I would look up, realize a couple of weeks had passed, I hadn’t done anything, and I needed to get back to “real” work. I would feel frustrated and empty, and the whole cycle would start all over again.
I’ve been reading this book called The War of Art. It gets a little churchy at points, but I can skip over that and focus on the stuff that helps me: identifying all the barriers we create to give us the excuses we crave to not create. It turns out that if I were as good at sitting down and writing as I am at coming up with all the reasons I just can’t do it today, I’d have written ten novels this year.
So a big part of this Life Reset I’m doing is being honest with myself about why I want to write, why I need to write, and why I keep making excuses for not doing it. I won’t go into it, because it’s either too personal or too boring, but if you’re reading this and starting to have the glimmer of an epiphany about your own creative process, maybe pick up this book and check it out. It’s been very helpful for me.
Yesterday, I wrote over 3000 words. I only stopped because it was time to leave for a hockey game (there’s that privilege again), and I felt so goddamn good about myself when I walked out my door. I couldn’t wait to get back to work today, and I’m having so much fun writing this story, it may not even be fair to call it work.
Reading is an important component of this entire process for me, and making time to nourish my creative side has made a big and positive difference. Whether it’s comic books, magazine articles, fiction or non-fiction, I’m reading every day, and finding inspiration in everything I read.
Watch more movies.
Thanks to Netflix, Hulu, Amazon Video, and a billion movie channels, we have access to more movies than we can ever watch, and that is amazing. Watching movies is, for me, similar to reading books. It’s part homework (as an actor and writer) and part inspiration. I have the opportunity to make short films with Nerdist and Geek & Sundry, so watching movies — good movies, not disposable trash — just makes sense. It also engages my brain in creative and intellectual ways that are important. I need to watch things and feel like I can do that, too, or feel like if that thing got made, there’s no reason I couldn’t make one of my own things. Hell, in this room where I am right now, I have everything I need to take some sort of simple creative idea and turn it into a movie. So why not? Why not watch movies as varied as the true classics (Sunset Boulevard, Chinatown) to the weird 70s experimental (The Trip, Scorpio Rising) to the epic blockbusters (Star Wars, Jaws) and get inspired by them? This is something that I need to do, because sitting in my office all day and looking at the Internet isn’t making me happier, more creative, more productive, or more inspired.
Related: listen to more podcasts like Lore, You Must Remember This, The Memory Palace, Welcome to Night Vale, The Black Tapes, and Unfictional. Those all inspire me to learn more, focus on pacing and storytelling and narrative, and make me want to be a more interesting person.
Get better sleep.
Maybe this is a strange one, but hear me out: for months — most of this year, in fact, now that I think of it — I haven’t slept well. I’ve had the hardest time, ever, falling asleep and staying asleep. I’ve had nightmares that terrify me from the moment I finally fall asleep, well into the following day as they haunt my memories. I’ve lived with the constant dread of waking up in a panic attack, and then waking up in a panic attack. It’s been terrible, and has contributed tremendously to my inability to get motivated, my reliance on alcohol to relax and go to sleep at night, and a general feeling of exhaustion, laziness, pessimism, and futility. I talked with my psychiatrist about it, and we tried sleep medication, which only made my body feel tired, while my brain was still racing along at the speed of terror. After several different attempts and failures, we tried changing up my brain meds, and about six weeks ago, I finally started feeling like a human again. I won’t go into the deep science of it, but we think I just had too much of some chemicals in my brain, and not enough of others. And it turns out that drinking alcohol to help you go to sleep does not result in good sleep, but does result in feeling like shit when you wake up.
So by committing to getting better sleep, I have changed up my evening and nighttime routines. I eat earlier, I drink less, I read more, and I’ve been able to slowly adjust my circadian rhythm from wanting to sleep at 2am to wanting to sleep around 11pm. I’ve used some great apps on my Droid to help me monitor things and determine what patterns work best for me, and while it’s still a work in progress — this entire thing is a work in progress, actually — it’s definitely getting better. When I don’t have nightmares all goddamn night, I’m more rested when I wake up. When I’m rested, I feel better in every aspect of my being. When I feel better, I am more creative and more willing to allow myself to take the risk of feeling good about myself.
Isn’t that strange? It’s a thing that I do, that I’ve done for my whole life: I don’t want to take the risk of feeling good about myself, because I’m afraid that I’ll get complacent, or arrogant, or someone will discover the Truth that my Depression tells me: I’m not that great and I don’t deserve to feel good about myself. I’m reading another book, called Trapped in the Mirror, that’s really helping me get through that, though.
So I take the risk of feeling good about myself, and more often than not, I actually do feel good about myself.
Eat better.
We all say we’re going to do this, and we always make excuses for why we don’t. Now I’ve been very lucky. My whole life, I’ve been able to stay at a healthy weight and body type without much effort … then I turned 40. In the last couple of years, I gained almost 30 pounds, my cholesterol went through the roof, and my whole body began to hurt, all the time.
There’s no excuse or rationalizing, here. I just wasn’t taking care of myself. I wasn’t eating right. I wasn’t getting good nutrition. I wasn’t thinking of food as fuel and nutrients. I wasn’t making an effort to be smart about this, because I didn’t particularly care about myself. I didn’t really like myself, I didn’t feel like I could do anything about getting tubby and slow and out of shape, because I was just getting older and that’s the way it was.
That’s all bullshit. Here’s the thing, and this is pretty much the whole reason I made a choice almost three months ago to hit this reset button and really get my life together: I didn’t like myself. I didn’t care about myself. There’s a bit more to it, but that’s the two things that exist the most clearly and form the root of the last few years of my life. In fact, it took my wife, who is the most important person in my whole universe, telling me, “I feel like you don’t care about having a long life together with me, because you don’t care about taking care of yourself.”
Well, that was ridiculous. Of course I cared about having a long life with her! Of course I cared … didn’t I?
I cared about her, and I cared about our kids, but I didn’t really care about myself. And my Depression was doing a really good job of making sure that I didn’t really think about my choices and my actions affected the people I love and care about the most in this world. That was what made me look up, take my head out of the darkness, and commit to doing all of these things.
It turns out that eating well, consistently, isn’t as easy as just eating what I want, when I want. It turns out that it’s really hard to break out of bad habits, but it also turns out that, once I made the commitment to do that, I started feeling better almost immediately. I got an app that makes it easy to track my nutrition, calories, and exercise, and in a very short amount of time, I lost almost all the weight I’d gained. I’d still like to lose five more pounds, and that five pounds is really keen on sticking around, but it’s slowly coming off, it’s staying off, and it feels great. Also, having a digital scale that lets me track precisely how much I just pooped is probably the pinnacle of technology in the 21st century.
And a super bonus that comes with this? My body doesn’t hurt like it did, because I’m not schlepping around extra weight. My joints are healthy, my muscles are stronger, and my skeleton is just in better shape, and that leads me into the last part of this.
Exercise regulary.
My son, Nolan, is a personal trainer. He’s in phenomenal shape, looks like Thor (for reals), and trains both me and his mom. So I should be in great shape, right?
Well, if I’d stuck to a good diet, taken better care of myself, and felt like I actually deserved to feel good about myself, then yes. But as we’ve seen, that just wasn’t happening. I worked out a couple of times a week, I did good, hard workouts, but then I’d feel sore and tired and wasn’t getting the results I wanted (mostly due to poor diet) and I’d come up with reasons not to do it. Then I’d make the mistake of seeing myself in the mirror when I got out of the shower, and I’d really hate myself.
I think that lifting weights and doing inside stuff just isn’t for me. I get bored easily, and I don’t fully participate in the workouts. But I love running. I used to run marathons and 5Ks all the time, and my entire self felt amazing when I did. So why not give running a try again? The excuses wrote themselves.
I was working on Con Man with Sean Astin. Sean told me about the Ironman Triathlon he was training for, and I complained that I couldn’t run anymore, because my body always hurt. Sean talked to me about the diet aspect of it, and then suggested that I use a method of mixing running with walking to work myself back into shape.
So I bought an app called Zombies, Run 5K for my phone. It uses recording and all the various sensors in my phone to let me imagine that I’m a runner in the zombie apocalypse. While I am being trained by a doctor, I listen to my music (Taylor Swift and Tove Lo accompany me on most of my runs) and a story unfolds in my ears. I’m three weeks into the training, and while it’s starting to ramp up from challenging to difficult, it feels great. I look forward to every run, I challenge myself to go as hard and as long as I can (that’s what she said) and the benefits to my self-esteem, my physical and mental health, and overall quality of life are incredible. If I was looking to quantify the value of this, it would probably be like spending five bucks to get ten thousand dollars of awesome. (Does that make sense? I’ve been writing this for a long time and the words are starting to get blurry on the screen).
I deserve to be happy. I deserve to feel good about myself. I can do the work that I need to do to accomplish these things.
If I tried to do just one of these things, and I stayed committed to it, I’d probably feel better about myself. Doing all of them together isn’t necessarily easier, but it isn’t necessarily harder, either. Every one of these things supports the other in a sparkling geometric structure of awesome that is making my life significantly and consistently better.
I just did a word count on this, and I’m at nearly 3500 words. I didn’t intend to write this much, and I suspect that most people will tl;dr it, but I’m glad that I spent the time thinking about these things and writing them down like this. I’m sure I’ll revisit this, rewrite it, and revise it, but I’m going to publish it now without a lot of editing. This is raw, and I feel like it’s supposed to be.
* Note: I got the science on this wrong. Per a comment: “In case it matters, consider the inaccuracy of your thoughts about alcohol and what it does to your body. See the Oracle of Wikipedia for details. It’s not the ALCOHOL that hurts your circulatory system (I have the same hypertriglyeridemia genetics problem BTW). It’s the simple carbohydrates that become sugars alkalize immediately. That is, it’s the carb filled beer not the ALCOHOL in it that causes the problem. I’m not a carb hater or fad dieter. But I do believe in studying science and trying to understand reasons for why I need to change my behaviors. That helps with motivations. After all: who would argue with scientific facts?”
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Thanks for this! I’ve been reading other inspiring things recently, trying to get my creative life together. What I took from your post was to find the one thing that always feels good to me, and to do it daily. I also looked up the War of Art, and found the concept of being a “pro” to be very helpful.
What feels good for/to me, is; helping an-other, feel good, or, smile, or, realize something new!; or, to; help someone/s get somewhere, beneficial; or to; deliver something, good, to someone; but; to directly help someone; makes me feel good.
Im 29, just quit my job in NYC, moved back home to Florida and kind of in that stage in my life where I don’t really know what to do. All I know, is that I drank too much, partied too much and was completely miserable and want to write but couldn’t because I couldn’t find joy in it like I used to. I couldn’t find joy in anything. Its been threw weeks now since I moved back and I’ve put off writing though Ive wanted to but keep making excuses and just watching videos, etc. After reading this, you are right. Ive already done the huge leap with moving and quitting drinking, now I really need to eat right, exercise finally and FINALLY stop making excuses and just read and write. Hopefully a year from now I can return to this blog and hopefully will have done something with my life….Thx Wil!
Great post man. Thank you for writing it. You hit it on the head with so many of the same issues that many people face and you were honest in talking about it. Going to hit reset now, thanks.
Really appreciating your candor Wil. Thanks for sharing your struggles with us. It’s refreshing to know that getting out of the ruts we end up in is possible. Thanks again.
I Like.
Thanks for writing this Will-I too struggle with depression and self-worth issues (even thanking you took some doing) but I wanted you to know that you’ve given me hope and positive things to focus on.
You deserve to be happy. You deserve to feel good about yourself. Your are proving that you can do the work that you need to do to accomplish these things.
I loved reading this.
Thank you!! I’m struggling with some of the same issues myself. I’ve had a really good case of self-loathing going on for a while now. I guess I need to put that silly shit away and fix things. At the age of 47 I decided to go back to school and get an Engineering degree. I’m 48 when and I’ve be dragging my feet for a few months. I’m still making good grades but I have a bad motivator(pun intended). I need to do better. Here’s my seven; Do more Math. Yes,I like Math. it’s a beautiful thing, Write down my ideas, Spend less time doing nothing, this includes wasting time on Reddit. Get better sleep. Eat better food. Run!! Running is a great problem solver in more ways than one.
This is some deeply relateable stuff. I’m 39 and some days feel like it’s worth giving it a shot and some days I wish I could die in my sleep and not wake up. Not motivated to do anything. I’m an organ donor and don’t want to jeapordize my one chance to do something good so yeah… Suicide is NOT for me. Mostly I just slog through with minimal effort. I don’t want to just survive. I WANT to thrive. I want to appreciate the good and know without the dark stuff the light wouldn’t be so great. However Winter is coming… So there’s that. :/
Thanks Wil for the inspiring piece, I battle with a lot of similar issues on a daily basis and found this article very helpful. It gave me new insight into the nature of those issues. I especially liked the quote: “It turns out that if I were as good at sitting down and writing as I am at coming up with all the reasons I just can’t do it today, I’d have written ten novels this year.” If that ain’t motivation, I don’t know what is!
God bless and all the best Jayy! !
This resonated with me on so many levels (Just read The War or Art, constant self talk/doubt, running, and I even have a son named Nolan, too). I like the concept of a “soft” reboot. Simple changes to habits are easier to consume than too many major changes at once. This is a great piece! Thank you for sharing!
Thankyou Pete; for the kind sense and discerning advice_
Thank you Wil. You hit the “I need to change my life” nail squarely on the head. You’ve motivated me. Thanks again.
Good for you, sir. Never too late to (re)take charge and kick life’s behind! If I may suggest a motivating, read-to-read, source; check out nerdfitness.com and their Academy. You basically get all the healthy articles full with movies/games references and you get to Level Up yourself as a character by making healthy changes. XP!!!! 🙂
Dang man, i been drinking more, smoking more (i only do the two every Other day to pretend i dont have a problem) And i rarely Ever gain weight. I mean i weigh almost the same as i did on my high school ID and i am 41 now. But i can tell you i need to eat better. When i eat, i eat a lot. Pizza and other greasy bad stuff. But i can go a long time without eating also. Thats probably due to the suppression of hunger from Energy Drinks. Geez i have a lot of bad habits. Most everything you said is true. And needs to happen in my life. I just have a personality of doing everything to extremes. I enjoy my life everyday and find it hard to be mature and responsible about my intake when that sun goes down. Sometimes my problems help me create. Sometimes they deter me from creating more amounts of things. Sorry for the ramble. Just saying that i agree. Live fast and Prosper faster, Wil.
It took me a few days to read it but it was well worth it. Very relatable, I am now trying to improve my life in many aspects, quitting sugar to improve my health is proving to be the hardest one, even more than quitting smoking.
Congratulations, Wil, on your transformations. It seems the energetic shifts that took place in September, and have affected so many of us, have affected you, too. I’ll sum it up for you in a nutshell. You are not here to simply… exist. You are here to create… to express who and what you really are. Anything, and I mean anything, that does not serve that purpose deserves to be released so that you can continue with a lightened load. Best wishes for you on this “new” direction you’re headed!
Resonates is exactly the right word for this piece. Thank you! And I didn’t have a clue who the writer was until I finished it (got it through a recommendation from Pocket) – makes it all the more valuable to me.
Thank you so much for posting this. Change like this isn’t easy. I’ve been trying to improve myself and “reboot” my bad habits and it’s been a learning experience.
Zombies, Run… ftw!
Good post. Was not too long and I did read it. Looking forward to whatever book you are writing.
I found your post via Pocket and after reading it I have to say GREAT WORK on verbalizing what I’ve been mulling for some time. There are no easy answers but the points you made all lead back to keeping life centered and balanced. I know that when I’m out of balance and loose my muse it’s because I’m distracted with things that don’t really matter. Your plan keeps you focused on improving your life and at the same time allows you to bring that creativity to your work.
Congratulations and KEEP GOING!
Thank you for posting this, it was a great read – all 3500 words of it. I never in a thousand (give or take a hundred) years thought I’d have much in common with Wil Wheaton (besides nerd stuff), but behold! it’s a small world! As someone who also suffers from depression, a lot of what you said hit the proverbial nail on the head. I, too, have endless excuses not to write (even though it is my first creative passion), actually have three novels I’ve started but never finished, and looked to my career to satisfy my creative outlet (I’m a video game designer). And you’re absolutely right! I don’t actually own anything I create while at work and all I felt energy for outside work was playing video games (aside from family stuff, of course).
So I’m taking your blog post today and acting on it within my own life. I already workout and eat right, but the other five items I can, and will, integrate into my weekly routine. Thanks again for posting this. Who woulda thunk a Wil Wheaton blog would inspire and teach me how to feel better about myself? Well played, sir. Well played.
At first I didn’t like you, Wil. You just didn’t resonate with me, that happens, no big deal. Then amazon recommended me your book (probably because I read Felicia Day’s book), so I read the small bit you can read for free. And then I bought the book. I didn’t read it yet, but I found your blog and this post. And I read this whole post. I had no idea you had depression and panic attacks. Boy, can I relate to that! It’s good to see that something CAN be done about those problems. Also it is good to see someone talking about it in a way it should be talked about, like a usual illness, that can be cured and that doesn’t make you weird or something. It’s like I’m taking pills for my thing, nothing strange here. Thank you for that. I don’t know if you read comments ever, but you just changed a bit of my life, and, reading other comments, other’s lives too.
try some honey right before you go to bed.. it should keep you from waking up in the middle of the night. get raw honey.. i cant vouch for the crap in the supermarket.
I swear I could have written some of this post. I never really sat down and thought, “Gee. I really don’t like myself. Let’s make horrible choices.” It feels like that just sort of happened. I think part of being a creative person is recognizing that the craziness you feel can actually be creative energy. Sometimes it’s just pushing through the muck to the motivation that’s the hard work.
In any case, I find this fascinating because it’s easy to feel like you are the only person in the world who feels so completely out of touch with your life. In a I’m-a-horrible-person-sort of way, it’s nice to know other people have similar struggles and nearly identical thoughts about it all.
Thanks for the post Wil. I have wanted to start writing and create short films but never had the time to fit in because of my anxiety over school. You have inspired me to find a way to fit in writing. Again thank you!
All of life’s questions are answered in the movies.
Thank you. And thank you again. I wish there were better words to say thank you. I’ve been reading your blog for the last couple of years and I can’t count the number of times it’s brought me to tears. The honesty and vulnerability with which you write is so powerful. I too, like a lot of your readers, it would seem, have suffered with depression and anxiety and your writing has helped me give shape and voice to my thoughts and feelings, and most importantly helped me realise I’m not alone in this. I daydream now that I will one day be able to help someone as much as you help people. Thank you. All the best in your journey.
Hi, Wil,
At first, I didn’t like you; I’m as antipodal from you on views about life, spirituality, politics, God, eating healthy, meds, etc as I can be.
But then, a funny thing happened: We both write. We both are creative. To a degree–and say what you want about Laura Ingraham, it matters not–we both just want to entertain, to be entertained, and to be heard through the noise via this Muse we chase for the contributions made in this life, small as they may be (her book, Shut Up And Sing explains this brilliantly). A lot of what you posted, regardless of points of view in whichever your political stripe is, we have in common. THAT’S what matters. I hate James Taylor’s socialistic views–as socialism never worked anyplace its tried; visit the video of a Russian market in 1986. See the despair on the people’s faces, their angst, they emptiness, then get back–but damned if his singing voice and mine aren’t in sync.
I’ve untreated ADD since childhood, and for it, I’ve found Eastern and Asian herbs and supplements to help me get this under control. I refuse to go on meds, having tried that route when I was a child, and the effects weren’t pretty. I won’t bother sharing my thoughts of Big Rx out of respect for your blog, your post, and for you. If that’s what YOU needed for chemical balance to help you handle and deal, by all means. But that you found your way, your path, and that light to illuminate said path to keep you on your quest, Godspeed and my heartiest congratulations. That is what matters. Many aren’t fortunate enough to step into that courage to seek said strength, easier to stay in that personal, circular hell of insecurity, despair and despondency. You are still finding your aay, and may always be. That in and of itself is brave.
I still don’t like your views. You might not like mine, or even me as a person. And that’s OK. But I respect that you shared your vulnerability, and I won’t trounce on that. Thank you for that level of raw honesty. Everybody has a soft underbelly; I still struggle with showing mine to the world. But you are stronger than you think you are, and you are blessed to have the encouragement and love from your family to keep you on your path. Nicely done.
A beautiful entry. Thanks so much for taking the time and I am delighted that this writing of yours has made is both better today.
I can so relate to this! I think its easy to sit back and let things like our own health fester and the challenge is to quickly recognise that there is a problem and do something about it. Cheers man!
I love this. Thanks for sharing
Thanks for this. A lot of it fits for me as well, and what you said about how exercise has really helped you out reminded me of this bit from James Taylor:
“The way I deal with my depression now is physical activity. I’m not saying I’m free of all my problems, but I find that really pumping your body out, exhausting yourself, doing some exercise regularly, must bring all of your system into some kind of alignment. I think a jump rope can be as helpful to a depression as two years on methadone maintenance or five years in psychotherapy.”
You’re an old soul Mr. Wheaton, I’m 61 and just rebooting my life. It’s only late when your gone. Keep on writing, because somehow and I suspect you have not planned it you have become an inspiration. It’s kinda weird ain’t it?
I loved reading this! Thank you for your authentic voice. It gives me hope to see someone diligently be proactive with change when faced with a honest introspective look at themselves. I am a jewelry designer who, about every 5 nears, finds myself in need a reboot. I am currently facing a new “season” in which I have reached an impasse, and I am facing new challenges never before addressed. The last time I had a massive “reboot” you ironically were present in a tiny way. I was being asked to teach in a classroom setting and was also being requested for interviews on the local and national news every 3-6 months. To face my crippling fears of being in front of a camera, I signed up to be a background extra. Not actually having lines was a gentler way for me to gradually get over a paralyzing fear that was holding me back. So one day, while you were in an elf suit, and I was pretending to be shocked that Santa was being pushed to the ground, I learned that I would not self destruct with a camera in my face. I started the day trembling, and after 10 hours I was able to ignore what was previously the boogie man. Just one element of an entire reboot I admit, but its all part of a whole. Anyways, Cheers and thanks for being you.
This is a really great read. It made me think of some my choises and what I should be doing. Thanks, just, thanks.
Your difficulties getting to writing reminded me of a Gumption Trap from Zen and the Art of Motorcycle maintenance. The reference may be of use to you. Enjoy your writing. Thanks for sharing.
A gumption trap is an event or mindset that can cause a person to lose enthusiasm and become discouraged from starting or continuing a project. The word “gumption” denotes a combination of commonsense, shrewdness, and a sense of initiative.[1] Although the last of these traits is the primary victim of the “gumption trap,” the first two suffer indirectly in that a reduction in initiative results in a reduction in constructive activity and therefore inhibits one’s development of the first two traits. The “trap” portion of the term refers to the negative feedback loop that the event or mindset creates: That the reduction in the person’s enthusiasm and initiative decreases both the person’s likelihood of success in that project and the degree of success likely (thus doubly affecting the expected outcome of the person’s efforts). The usual result, whether a mere lack of success or instead an outright failure complete with embarrassment and loss of the resources initially invested, further discourages the person.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gumption_trap
What’s evident to me after reading so many of the same gripes and complaints about people’s lives here is that many are semi-well-to-do people who’ve lost their connection with their surroundings, with nature, with the living world around them and have lost themselves in the ever so increasingly materialistic world of money, keeping busy with no real intent, and focusing on one thing too long rather than taking in the broader bigger picture of life and what it has to offer.
This is particularly clear in this country where money and “faking” happiness are the two pies in the sky everyone is chasing so much all the time. Lack of sleep, not feeling happy, not feeling productive or being directionless. I feel the same as many do here and I know what I want…I’m just fearful of taking the right actions to do it. Whether it be fear of losing money, having to cut your relationship/marriage, quitting your job, making a move to a place you don’t know, etc etc etc. For me what I want requires me making huge changes. Ones that I guess I’m not willing to make just yet. So the unhappiness and dissatisfaction…although first world frankly…continues.
I sometimes watch that show House Hunters International and I revel in the guts and balls some people have to up heave their lives and move elsewhere because that’s what their heart tells them to do. It’s a gift…a true gift to be able to see that sort of action as a “positive” “happy” and “good” one. I envy them.
Cheers
I didn’t tl;dr this — I saved it for later reading. Glad too. It was worth taking the time to read, Wil. Thanks for sharing. Really. I didn’t read the 473 other comments, so if no one else has suggested it, I would recommend a book /Change Your Brain, Change Your Body/ by Daniel Amen. I listened to the audio version and found it to be very insightful and helpful. Check out the preview on Google Books (or your favorite source) and see if it might be a good read for you.
Peace be with you.
Thank you so much for writing this. I’ve been under a lot of stress lately and it is definitely taking its toll on me. I’m not eating the best. I’m not intentionally getting exercise. I’m working on the first of what will be many papers for class and like you said, when I actually sit down and write, it feels great. But I keep making excuses to not do it. I’m going to bookmark this post and keep coming back to it to keep me motivated. I think it might help me get through my Masters program sane and healthy.
Thanks, Wil. This was great. When you mentioned the Zombies, Run app, I had never heard of it before. The best shape of my life was when I ran track my senior year in high school (I’m 37 now). Out of curiosity, I downloaded it. I finished my second episode today. I’m tired, sore all over, but I feel great. Exercise needs to be fun in order for me to stick with it, and this app is total fun. Thanks for mentioning it.
I really, really like and appreciate this post. A reset is what I need too. I’ve made some of the changes you’ve made but not all of them – though I know I need to. And yes, I didn’t read all 3500 words, but I got your point in general. I definitely needed this message and the reassurance that it isn’t all that hard if I put my mind to it, really do want it, and do it for those in my life that I love, respect, and want to be there for in the future.
Thank you.
This post is so good I subscribed, and I’ll be quoting you on my planner pages in 2016 to keep motivated. Best part is I heard about this post because people appreciate you not permitting the conglomerate to rip you off and it wound up on my facething feed on Thanksgiving Day. You, sir, are a lesson to us all (several, actually ;-). Thanks for being so wonderful out loud! It’s necessary and appreciated.
Thanks for your thoughts. I’m 39, I have a good life but I feel like I’ve always been holding myself back from achieving what I want because, well,I’ve never really known what I want. I’ve coasted through life on the backs of the decisions of others, which breeds resentment and anger inside me. I have trouble discussing my feelings with my wife because I don’t think she’d understand. I’m constantly on a seesaw of happiness and depression. I don’t have any close friends and have a completely superficial relationship with my family, so I feel pretty alone most of the time. I’m trying to keep my thoughts on the good side of things as much as possible. Your post made me feel a bit better about today. Thanks again and all the best.
Thank you… I started my own reset last April–lost 43 pounds so far, got 11,000 words written in the first week of nanowrimo, but then hit a brick wall. In the last three weeks, gained nearly ten pounds BACK. I need to reset something, and I feel this may be some of the inspiration I need to push that button in my own head. I’m 55, by the way, and just finished “running” three miles, something I had also stopped doing the last three weeks. The word’s in quotes because I run slower than most people walk… but I run. I know this, because when I’m walking, I’m even slower. 🙂 As my nine-years-younger-than-me husband puts it, “You’re not in a race.” And he’s the reason I run–because I want every single moment with him to be as healthy as humanly possible.
Thank you for this! I was in that ‘resettish’ mood this week, coming to similar conclusions about my life. I know I’m not working hard enough, not writing enough, not getting inspired enough, but I stick with my comfortable habits. I’m lucky, as I’m pretty good at resets. When I get to this point, or I face rejection, my automatic response is dusting myself off and trying again. Absolutely LOVE your words about doing that reset — it’s exactly the kick I need right now.
Not trying to be one of those “I’m so cool because I don’t know who you are,” people, but I had to google you to understand who you are and where you’re coming from, after reading your amazing post. In a way, I think it’s better to have stumbled upon your words, than to come in with some preconceived fangirl notions about you. Wesley Crusher? Had no idea. And according to your online wiki, you live in my hometown. All of that makes you triply cool. Thanks.
Thanks for sharing your journey. I’ve been wallowing for awhile (keeping the hate talk in check can be exhausting). I understand that the small changes are in my control, but change like this isn’t easy. You are a wonderful writer, reading your post was like finding the words to describe what has been going on in my head. Thank you. I am inspired! I hope you allow us to continue to follow along.
Hi, Will,
You’re probably not reading comments months down the line, but I still want to say to you that you’ve inspired me.
I am glad for you and this will probably sound weird, but even though I never met you and probably never will, reading your blog these past years has endeared you and your entire family to me, I feel like I know you, like you’re friends of mine. And I am truly happy for you when good things happen, and I am truly sorry when shitty things happen.
And now, I am truly inspired by your words and I wish you all the best!
I read every comment, even if it takes me time to get to them, so I deeply appreciate you taking the time to read my blog, and to let me know that you’re reading!
Wil, this is inspiring. I’ve hit the reset button twice in the past 5 years.(I have a problem with focus) Each time I got further and did better than the last. This time, I think it’s time to un-plug it and plug it back in. I recently saw a picture of myself at the height of my last reboot and it made me realize how far I’d slipped back. I cried. For two days. I cried because I worked SO. HARD. And I THREW. IT. AWAY. For what? Some Taco Bell after a bad day? Speaking of bad days: there’s a lot of those when you’re stuck in a job where where the skills and knowledge that you DO have aren’t appreciated and instead of constructive criticism it’s constant berating for all mistakes. I know I need to change my life, lifestyle, job, habits, ect. But it’s hard, as you said. This has made me a little less scared to take the few leaps I need. Thank you.
So, this comment on a months-old post is late and probably creepy or something, but thanks for this — particularly the eating better and exercising more sections. Because, while I’ve been significantly overweight pretty much my whole life, from a health standpoint it hasn’t always been a huge burden. I didn’t always like the way I looked and clothes shopping wasn’t fun, but my cholesterol was fine. My blood pressure was fine. I was fat, but fine.
And then I turned 30. And then diabetes came calling. It’s an early diagnosis — I’m not way out of control — but I’ve got to make some serious life changes. Those changes are still things I’m struggling with. Periodically, I just get so mad that I can’t (or shouldn’t) eat whatever the hell I want, or that I can’t spend all day watching TV or faffing around the internet, because I need to get some exercise. But what you’ve reminded me here is that neither can anybody else. Well, anybody who wants to be healthy, at any rate.
So thanks for that reminder. Because sure, maybe I’m about to go jump on a bike because I want to keep my goddamn blood sugar down after daring to eat a slice of pizza, but really? Even if that weren’t a factor, it’s still something I should be doing. Yay for fitness, or something.
Great article Wil. I am about your age (one year older actually) and I am in the midst of my own life reboot over the last year. Like you, writing was something I used to do and loved doing it but had let it fall by the wayside due to lack of focus, drinking, making excuses, etc. I’ve since quit drinking, been exercising much more (cardio nearly every day at the least) and trying to eat better. The physical results of exercise and eating better aren’t immediate, but I feel better and will eventually look much better. I still have about 15 pounds I want to get rid of. Writing though, has been immediate gratification. I started a blog and have been doing more short story writing as well. Just getting the words out of my head onto the page has been great. And sending things out to literary sites (and hopefully literary journals soon) has made me feel better about myself in ways I hadn’t felt in years. Thanks for such a great article and good for you for not letting Huffington Post run it for free. Writers should be PAID for their work.