As I write this, there is a goddamn motherfucking bulldozer in my backyard, breaking up my patio and part of my driveway. The house shudders and quakes beneath my feet, ripples vibrate in my coffee.
It reminds me of a time, years ago — 2007 or 2009, I think — when I had the swine flu, and there was a goddamn motherfucking bulldozer demolishing the house next door. The swine flu comes in many flavors, and while I was lucky to avoid the shitting puking version, I got the version where the slightest noise, the tiniest variation in air pressure, hurt like hell not just on the surface of my body, but all the way through it, into the center of my bones. It was just the worst, but I got a lot of comedy mileage out of it, and endured it with the best humor I could.
I wonder how many of my neighbors hate me today? I can’t say that I blame them. Jackhammering is really terrible. But when this is done, we’ll have a really pretty new area behind the house, with some slabs of concrete separated by fake grass, that’ll be a nice place to hang out. I’m grateful that we can afford to do this.
Over the last couple of days, I’ve been in the archives of my blog, and I’ve pulled some older stories out to share again. I’m proud of that work, and sad that I have to go back really far to find the kind of narrative storytelling that I used to do on a daily basis. Having my own goddamn motherfucking bulldozer in the yard takes me back to days spent in front of this computer, at this desk, emotionally reconnecting to memories as recent as 24 hours and as long ago as my childhood, and doing my best to recreate those memories in your mind. I’ve been thinking about how much my life has changed, and how my writing (or lack of writing) reflects that. I used to spend every day looking for stories to recreate, digging through my memories for stories to share, and asking What if …? as I searched for fiction inspiration.
I feel like I’ve retreated into a shell, a little bit. I’ve been putting my artistic and creative energy into things like Tabletop and the work I’ve done as an actor on Powers and Dark Matter and Big Bang Theory, and it’s not so much that I haven’t had any extra to give to other work as much as I just haven’t wanted to. I’ve been lazy, I’ve been unmotivated, I’ve struggled a lot with Depression. It turns out that the complete and utter betrayal by a loved and trusted friend last year really fucked me up and broke a huge part of my psyche, and it’s been really hard to find the vulnerability that is necessary to be a good narrative non-fiction writer.
I’m working on it, though. I’m working on healing myself and getting to an emotional place where I feel like I can open myself back up and write like I used to. I’m taking baby steps, and not always forward, but it’s all I can do. It’s all any of us can do when we find ourselves in a position like this.
So here’s a memory. It’s short, it’s incomplete, but it’s a start.
I remember being at Universal Studios in the early 80s for an audition. It was one of those offices that had lots of dark wood everywhere, rough, overstuffed cushions on the couches and chairs, and indirect lighting from bulbs in silver sphere floor lamps.
I don’t remember what the audition was for, but I remember being really excited to be inside Universal Studios, the home of the Universal Studios Tour (this was decades before it became a proper theme park), even though I wasn’t going to get to go on the tour, just being in the same place made me feel like I was part of something special.
So I was learning my lines and waiting to go into the audition, when in walks Gary Coleman. I think he was 15 or 16 at the time, and I was 10 or 11, but holy mother of crap there was ARNOLD JACKSON IN THE SAME ROOM AS ME.
You could feel the whole room go silent, while everyone in it tried to be cool. Did this mean that I was going to get to work with Gary Coleman if I booked the job?!
It turns out that the answer was no. He was walking through the waiting area, on his way to another meeting or whatever. Maybe there was a guy in an office down the hall who knew, definitively, what Willis was talkin’ about.
When he got out of sight, the room sort of blew up, like all of us exhaled at the same time, and chattered on about how cool it was. Some of the parents there tried to focus their kids back on their lines, but it was a futile effort. One of the biggest stars in our world had just walked past us, and it was a tangible reminder that maybe — maybe — we would get to work with him.
The bulldozer has stopped. I think the workers are taking a lunch break. I think I’ll go eat lunch now, too.
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You always speak from the heart, thank you for that. Your voice is that of numerous others facing depression, betrayal, and bouts of unmotivation. Yet you keep going, one day at a time. Keep up the good work and know there is a community that supports you.
Thanks, Wil – that’s a lovely memory/story! Your description makes me hear the chatter of excited kid’s voices mixed with the attempted soothing murmurs of the adults.
As for recovering from the betrayal you went through: give yourself all the time you need. Anyone who matters in your life wants what’s best for you and will be patient; anyone who acts like a dick toward you is, well….a dick!
Thank-you for this. It was well-written and brave and funny. And thank-you for all of the cute dog pics on twitter. 🙂
Thought you might enjoy this, Wil 🙂
I don’t know what kind of therapy you do but I’ve been reading stuff on the Roman Stoics which is apparently the inspiration for something called CBT? It’s supposed to be good for anxiety/depression. Anyway, the book by Donald Robertson is great. He paractices the therapy and discusses the philosophy of the Stoics. I’ve been working on it and it has just made me more joyful and filled with so much more gratitude. It has also helped me deal with things that tend to anger and frustrate me quickly.
I’m not saying it’s any kind of replacement for therapy to anyone reading this. I just think, based on things Wil has said in interviews and on his blog that he would enjout it. Stoicism and the Art of Happiness.
Great post.
I practice CBT every day. Some days are more successful than others, but it’s always helpful.
I’ve been doing CBT for the last 6 months or so but it was a lot more effective early in my treatment, while I was the most lost and had little hope. Now that I’m on medication and halfway back to having a normal life CBT doesn’t seem to be contributing any more momentum toward my recovery. That said, maybe it doesn’t need to. Maybe it just needed to get me out of the ditch and now other therapeutic strategies can get me the rest of the way?
I read a study on CBT’s effectiveness for treatment of violent criminals and it showed that although its initially helpful, after a year if there hasn’t been qualitative improvement in the subject’s life, CBT’s benefits sorta vanish. So: if a criminal couldn’t manage to get a job that could support their lifestyle, the CBT didn’t end up helping. The study also showed that criminals that did CBT and got an allowance did better than those that didn’t get an allowance, so perhaps it’s just that CBT can’t erase the economic incentives for the criminal lifestyle.
Why am I writing this? lol ka-submit!
“Fairy tales are more than true: not because they tell us that dragons exist, but because they tell us that dragons can be beaten.”
– G.K. Chesterton
Thank you for sharing your fight with depression with us!
So sorry to hear about your being betrayed, Wil. That’s a horrible thing to happen anyway, but if you’re prone to anxiety and depression, aïe. I hope you get to where you want to be soon.
Wil, Thank you for sharing your thoughts, memories and your writings. I hope you continue to find the time and space in the present to engage in the activities that help you emotionally.
To this very day, there is still one lonely man who faithfully reports each business day at 8 AM to the Universal Studios Office of What Willis Was Talking About.
He passes unnoticed from the parking lot carrying a worn sheaf of Drummond related spreadsheets and carefully graphed diagrams. Each morning he unwraps a plain bagel and meticulously stretches buttering it into a full hour before checking the fax machine. Then sorts the mail.
The last piece of personal mail he received there was a Christmas card from Danny Cooksey in 1993.
In 2002, there was some talk of combining the office with the also lackluster Office of Preserving Gerald McRaney’s Simon and Simon Hats, but that was forgotten in time.
So, the two men pass each other in the men’s room with a nod and their sacred obligations to deprecated deities unite them in tender solidarity.
They wash their hands in silence.
“Drummond related spreadsheets” made me laugh so hard I pulled a muscle in someone else’s side.
SOL. Snort out loud, for realsies. Can you please submit that skit to SNL. The world needs it.
The new Hail, Caesar trailer and the Fargo series put me in mind of Barton Fink. Also, recently saw Synecdoche, New York and Anomalisa. Finally, Svankmajer’s Lunacy and Brazil (and Gilliam’s Crimson Permanent Assurance) are always with me, so seemed entirely feasible that such an office could, and should, exist.
I also like the idea that the man who works in the office might discover — National Treasure style — that all modern maladies can be remedied using What Willis Was Talking About as a Rosetta Stone. Like Jeff Goldblum rushing to the White House with his Powerbook to forestall alien apocalypse.
Though the man in the office would obviously be Terrence Stamp. But only because Frank Gorshin, Burgess Meredith, or Val de Vargas are no longer with us. They’re with Bowie — and Gary Coleman — on Jupiter.
Thank you for sharing your memories. Healing hurts, it sucks,and shakes you all up and seems to tear you up like the ‘dozer in your yard. But its worth it, once you’re together and you see a new you –others will notice changes before you trust their observation –you might.. just might wonder why you didn’t start your healing sooner. Don’t do that, it happens at the time it should because you’re ready.
Ohh. Invest in some sound canceling headphones in the meantime.; )
Swine flu.. ueechhh. Had it. Like you not the getting rid of every thing at both ends. Just felt awful. Fever constantly.. Dizzy because of that. I didn’t wanna eat, cranky.. very cranky. Plus working. Had no choice because couldn’t afford to stay home. I felt like I was consumed by canis lupus and extrected off a high earth elevation with no water to break the fall. : -/ Sleep came in short naps. I only got relief by drinking very cold beverages and packing ice packs about my body. It ran it’s course in a week or three and took two or three months for the last bits to leave(chest congestion ). I hope I never experience that again.
I feel this. I mean I get it. Finding inspiration is difficult enough when you’re at your best. Then, that betrayal (bulldozer) bonks you right in the swine flu and everything becomes… shit. Tore down.Trying to work, to find inspiration, to be creative,all of a sudden is hollow. It takes a long time to get over that, if we ever even can. For me, I can’t do any of the creative things I used to any more. I can’t paint, sing, make jewelry… any of the small time artistic things I do to supplement my real job ( as a Tarot Reader). Why is this pain shit so stupid?
Hi.
So strange…
Big stars.
Middle stars..
Not so much stars.
Looking at Somebody Big.
Hierarchy.
And.
THE MOTHERFUCKER BULLDOZER. Who seems not to care.
And be above all shit in our minds and hearts and states. And careers. And I like that motherfucker bulldozer that reminds you of your home. And past. And what you are.
I’ve seen your face in films. And I am a strong face reader with photographic memory. And I’ve seen vulnerability and incredible kindness. It doesn’t mean weakness. Your wife and family must see the real and only hero in you.
But I know that sometimes people like you can be blessed with power and fame. But sometimes they are blessed with who they are. Personality. Kindness and the energy to stay a great person, actor, showman book narrator etc. but firstly, after all that has passed passed, you find yourself primarily a man. Husband of one wife. Cool dad and step dad. And actor. This order may seem less modern. But it is the only treasure.
I love your work Will. And love the idea of a normal guy with successful acting projects. And..
A goddamn motherfucker bulldozer.
ah, the GDMFBD…
I don’t know most of the story of the betrayal, but that’s not the important part. I, too, was betrayed by a dear friend, close enough that I called her a sister for years. There was no physical aspect to the betrayal, but there came a time when she told me that all the parts of myself I had worked so hard on, all the strength and integrity I had worked and suffered to build, were crap, and she felt I had become a worse person. I cut her out of my life when it became clear that she would never value the qualities in myself that I value, when it became clear that she had gone a different direction. If took me a while to be convinced, but I made that decision several years ago. I still miss her. I know I made the right choice, but it still hurts sometimes. I rarely cry about it anymore, though. It has gotten better, with time.
I don’t know if your situation is at all similar, but if it is, then maybe my perspective, several years on, will help. I don’t think the pain and loss ever go away, though admittedly it’s only been a few years for me. But it does get better.
I’m usually too shy to talk to Famous People, but I felt that in this case, I might have some comfort to offer, and you might understand my story. As someone who has greatly admired and respected your work starting with Star Trek where I first saw your name and later through Tabletop and your more recent internet presence, I felt I couldn’t remain silent forever.
Wil, I thank you for sharing yourself and your vulnerability with your fans. You and your work have inspired me, comforted me, made me laugh and cry. The world is a better place for having you in it.
I’m glad you’re taking the time for self care and modeling that so well for the rest of us. I experienced a betrayal last year that nearly destroyed my whole world. It’s hard to trust after that but then I think that I don’t want to let one person ruin a quality I admire about myself – the ability to connect and trust others. I’m more wary now.
So I thank you for continuing to process but most importantly, for continuing to write. You are a talented voice and your work as a performer in many genres brings me great joy.
Your post was a welcome reminder to me to stop crying about tires (non-story, just meds maladjustment), and share one of my memories from your brief time in the clink, er, CV High School in the late 80’s. After all, you were to star-struck teenagers what Gary Coleman was to you.
My friend was madly in love with you, and when she heard you and a friend in the stairwell singing “nanananananana…” she thought it was the Batman theme and proudly leapt around the corner and sang along. Alas, you were actually enjoying a surf tune singalong and looked at her like she had 2 heads. She was mortified, but now I have an image of her doing that whenever I read about you. I think we were in English together, Jr or Sr year, but can’t remember much else from that class. Well, except Wuthering Heights was dreadful and deserved to be remade with zombies.
By the way- those broken paving stones can be re-purposed into planting bed walls or paving stones in the midst of the drought-worthy yard.
Wil, it’s amazing how sometimes, out of the blue, your writing describes something going on in my life, to the T! I’ve recently been betrayed by a close loved one…someone I “knew” would never hurt me. As a result, my depression increases, and my writing? It’s practically non existent. Going through this absolutely SUCKS, but I find comfort knowing one of my favorite writers EVER…that would be YOU….is going through the same kind of thing. Thank you for being REAL. And for opening your life and your experience to us…it’s nice to know I’m in good company.
If you’re wanting to get into short narrative writing again, might I suggest Storium? It was funded by Kickstarter last year, and after a long beta it’s just about ready to go live. It’s basically a rules-light arbitration system for play-by-post storytelling. I’ve been having a lot of fun there myself. Perhaps you could run a game, or get in a game, and see how it goes.
Wish I could ear it it Radio Free B…
Sometimes the way to non-fiction writing is through the creation of fictional stories. Maybe you should give that a try. Start with short stories, followed by novellas, and then maybe a novel if you feel up to it.
Hi Wil, Thanks for sharing your story. I, too, struggle with depression, and I, too, experienced a painful separation from my closest friend last year that has made it hard for me to write (or care about any of the things I used to care about). I wish I could tell you that it gets better, but I don’t know yet. But I do know that we can both survive it, so hang in there.
Yes, CBT is a fine therapy. There are a lot of studies on it because the structure of CBT lends itself to being studied by the scientific method. As Wil probably knows, there are at least dozens of different kinds of therapy. For example, DBT is also a fine therapy though it focuses more on distress tolerance and learning healthy boundaries. It is generally more helpful for folks with borderline personality disorder. There is also Gestalt therapy which is excellent for people who gravitate to less “objective”, more insight oriented kinds of therapy. A good therapist, like a good DM, will dip into his or her bag and use a bit of this and a bit of that as the need arises. One interesting finding, is that the therapeutic bond between therapist and patient is actually more predictive of improvement than the kind of therapy used.
Thank you…
I think for bright, creative, wounded people, trusting people enough to call them close friends happens rarely enough that it is a huge thing to have such a friend and the wound is thus that much deeper if they turn on you.
For me, I work always to take the high road and be the kind of person I can respect, and when someone turns on me, which happens sometimes, it throws me completely for a loop. I find myself spinning out of control with questions like, “How could I be so wrong about them?” “Did I do something to deserve this?” “Why are they actively trying to hurt me?”
We had a situation like this this past year, where literally the things they did hurt them as much or more than they hurt us, with people who had told me over and over again that I was “fantastic” and then when something bad happened and what I was offering as help wasn’t what they thought I owed them, the backlash was profound and spectacularly self-sabotaging for them, but also left us with an insane amount of stress that has actively damaged my health, even if it won’t really damage us financially (hurt, yes. injure, no). I spun for a long time reeling from the shock of it. I thought, at 43 years old. that I should be a better judge of character.
But I couldn’t have known. Sometimes people just do that. And ultimately, I know that it is not about who I am. Still hurts though. Still stressful. It will be for a while. Someday it will be a memory.
But it makes it hard to trust again.
First of all, Wil, I need to apologize to you. It never crossed my mind that someone who has been on Star Trek and Big Bang could suffer from depression. How ignorant was I? It seemed to me like you have so much going for you and so many accomplishments to be proud of that you can just do your gaming and anything else you wanted and not be followed by the dark cloud of depression. Thank you for opening my eyes. I know what it is like to be betrayed because many years ago my best friend tried to seduce my husband, and the anger I felt was so consuming. I went on the Sally Jesse Rafeal show to expose her. I have been in a depression for the past 10 years, and I am only now starting to come out of it because I decided to become a blogger. There are so many things in life I can’t control, but I can control my blog. I hope that you can find a path through your depression.
I hate to pry into the betrayal, but was it your brother? Did he have a rug relapse? Rug addicts are notorious for that sort of thing. I’ve got some helpful links for Partnership for a Rug Free America…
And now for something completely different:
Depression sucks. Thanks for being honest and sharing. Keep fighting the good fight.
By Grabthar’s hammer…. WTF? Alan Rickman just passed away… of cancer… Mere days after David Bowie. It’s a sad week for F&SF culture. 🙁 My thoughts are with his loved ones.
Wil, please stay in your house and – do nothing risky – till this ill wind blows over.
But what I can’t get out of my mind is that – the thing about cancer is that we’re causing it to happen much more frequently than it should. When are we going to stop blowing up nuclear bombs and pouring toxic crap into our air and water and ground. Out of sheer self preservation instinct as a species, we need to get our collective frikkin act together.
Hi, Wil.
I went through a divorce just over 2 years ago. It was a very sudden thing and she did to me some of the worst things someone can do to their spouse short of killing my dog. I had the rug pulled out from underneath me, and, to say the least, it was traumatizing. I too went into a major bout of depression, and just felt… broken? I’m out of the darkness now, but I’m not the same person I was. The biggest thing is that I used to be a voracious reader especially of semi-dense philosophical material, and now I just can’t do it anymore. It’s strange that I can’t do something I used to love especially when it seems like it’s not at all related to that relationship or that person. My mom said she went through the same thing after my grandma/her mom passed away; she couldn’t read a book for 3 years.
I think parts of me died. I might have needed a sort of psychological amputation. Or maybe after wounds like that, I just couldn’t stay the same person. Which is sort of a silver lining because I’ve been able to return to other parts of myself, or ways of thinking, things to think about that I haven’t in years. I’ve also made room for other things in my life that — specifically leisure — that I hadn’t before. I think that’s the lesson I take: sometimes we have to change, and it might require work on our part.
But it sounds like you’re doing the work with your life changes. Hang in there. We’re all rooting for you.
Sorry to hear that you have to deal with depression and lost a friend. I’ve been learning to deal with depression over the last 6 months. I had a personal meltdown and lost all confidence and perspective in myself. But I’ve been hugely lucky in having support. And that combined with therapy is getting me through it. I’m much more aware of what’s going on in my head.
But I can tell you, that you’re writing and other shows (tabletop, titansgrave), have given me a way to relax and leave everything else behind for a few minutes. It’s inspired me to play more boardgames with family and join a D&D group. So I am working my way through my stuff. For that I will say thank you. And please keep doing what you do. You are good at it.
I just want you to know that you do really make a difference. You have made me realize an old guy like me in my 40’s can still be a proud gamer, geek and misfit (not saying you’re one…) I too suffer with anxiety and OCD and people don’t realize how what may seem insignificant to them can rock your world. Stay strong and keep writing!