the pretentious bullshit collection (selections)

I’ve been doing this stupid and amusing thing on my Instagram for a few months, called The Pretentious Bullshit Collection.

For example:

Pencil, with paperclips. From the Pretentious Bullshit collection.
Pencil, with paperclips. From the Pretentious Bullshit collection.

And:

Distant tiles, close tiles, bathroom tiles. From the Pretentious Bullshit collection.
Distant tiles, close tiles, bathroom tiles. From the Pretentious Bullshit collection.

Or:

Tiempo por El Catrin. From the Pretentious Bullshit collection.
Tiempo por El Catrin. From the Pretentious Bullshit collection.

So you get the idea, right? Super pretentious, overwrought bullshit pictures of nothing, puffed up with wordy captions and declared to be art, but you probably don’t get it because it’s not for you. I guess it’s part serious art and part parody? It’s mostly parody.

I’ve been having so much fun with it, and so many people have enjoyed the sheer lunacy of the whole thing, I went ahead and made a very small, massively overpriced, hardback collection using some of my pictures. Go beyond the magical thing here to learn more about it:

Say hello to The Pretentious Bullshit Collection (selections), which will be available for a very short time, in what I imagine are very limited quantities because it’s insanely overpriced.

Pretentious Bullshit Cover
I am full colour, trapped in a black and white world that does not understand me.

It’s 21 pages, introduced in the most pretentious way I could muster:

You have been granted an unprecedented view into the themes and leitmotif that weave to form the zeitgeist. It reveals itself only to the worthy.

Selections from this exquisite collection, presented here, challenge you to uncover the pulchritude, mystery, and meaning, within and without, from the deceptively mundane to the secretly transcendent.

Choose to see and your eyes will be opened.

I had a heck of a time finding the right voice, and committing to the bit, but I had fun, and now it’s done. If you have a stupid amount of money to throw at a stupid art project that you’re going to regret, it’s — wait. Let me try that again, in my pretentious voice:

This is a truly exceptional collection of images that you will likely not understand, but you are welcome to try. This will disappoint, confound, and challenge you. It is inscrutable, beyond your reach, and is probably not for you. But if you are willing to open your eyes, perhaps you will see.

People really talk like that, you know. I think it probably sounds good when it’s clacking out of a mechanical typewriter.

So now that this particular creative itch has been scratched, I’m going to go back to work on the real stuff.

38 thoughts on “the pretentious bullshit collection (selections)”

  1. Bahahaha! I love that you made this an actual thing! I’m just a little disappointed that I can’t afford to enjoy the Pretentious Bullshit Collection in all of its beautiful hardbound glory. Ah, well, I shall simply settle for the digital installments, though I’m sure I’m missing some nuanced layers of the Art by not holding the printed pages in my hands. 😉

  2. I’d love to be able to afford it, but I’m Canadian, and the exchange rate would probably set me back a good month’s mortgage payment. I’d be willing to part with an amazing smile, and a minute’s worth of golf clapping, if you would accept that as payment? I’d throw in a lifetimes worth of “Wil Wheaton is the fucking best, man!” too…AND, if ever I get my book published, I’ll make sure to dedicate it to you.
    If not, well cool anyway, man!

  4. This started out great, but the fact that the images all show up as blank grey squares on my screen make this so, So, SO!!! much better….

  7. I can afford it and I want it, but first I feel like I have to get a coffee table made of reclaimed wood and wrought iron, crafted by a native person of some country (for cheap), imported and sold at an exorbitant price (because “craftsmanship”). And that might be too much.

      1. Good idea, but I haven’t been comfortable wearing my suspenders since I lost my bow tie.

          1. Ugh, those penny farthing cyclists sold out as soon as they started having annual meetings.

  8. My wife is sitting behind me and I want to tap her on the shoulder and get permission to buy it. I don’t think she’d understand and therein lies the problem, the pretentious wouldn’t deign to explain the high brow. Also, she wouldn’t get it…well, she’d get it, but she wouldn’t really get it. Because if she really got it, we’d be owners. Congratulations on your first collection!

  9. Hahahahaha…. Holy sh*…. It costs A Benjamin. Brilliant!

    I presume it comes with a limited-series titanium mustache comb?

    ____________________________

    I’m overextended in Tesla stock right now, or I’d get five. (was that a sufficiently pretentious excuse?)

    1. Haha, that’s what I thought, too. I’m studying abstract photography and I thought that was on the path to being pretty decent.

  11. Strange question: If I purchase this can you spend the money on something ridiculously pretentious as well? To keep the cycle going. Like an outrageously expensive piece of drift wood. To continue to add to the pretentious bullshit collection.

  12. I am going to scrawl the number “100” upon the weathered skin of a lonely, yellow gourd and place it in the beak of a dead crow I saw down the road apiece at the crossroads to represent currency in our mad, mad global hellscape. Please send my book immediately to:

    Spudnuts
    1 The Soul of Man Lane
    The Void, Entropy 13

    Also, here’s a dick pic: %–o

  13. I don’t know what I’m doing right (or wrong), but my straight-to-moderation rate is like 50%.

    1. Aristotle approves. He would be even happier if you got that up to 100%.

      Moderation is the key, after all.

  18. Dammit. I’ve stared at this order form for literally 15 minutes, dithering about whether or not to pull the trigger. It’s ridiculous. But I want it. But it’s totally ridiculous. And yet…I want it. But only pretentious bullshitters would think this is a thing that’s worth spending $100 on. But it’s not worth $100, and I know that, which is the funny thing that makes it worth $100. So fine. Fine. I’m a pretentious bullshitter. Dammit.

  20. Am I the only one who hears Strongbad’s voice when I read what you’ve written in your pretentious tone?

  21. Dammit! Now I have to buy this just so I can place it on my bookshelf, right between my copy of “Halfcat: a Partial History” and “The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn {Robotic Edition}”

  23. As I live with a circus, two toddlers and a freshly turned 6 year old… I weigh each purchase in babysitter hours. I could own this book of wondrous glory, OoooRrrrrrrr I could have ten (TEN!) adult hours away from my children.
    Wil.
    I choose sanity.

  25. I just love the pretentious artsy talk. It is so close to the BS I have to deal with as an architect. I love seeing it skewered. Thanks.

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“The library is a safe place.”

In order to survive, I disassociated for much of my childhood, but I clearly remember the books. That's where I found comfort, companionship, inspiration and validation. It's where the imagination that powers everything I do creatively in my life today was born. And it all started in that library, with that librarian. She was one of the first people I can remember asking me, "What do you like? What's important to you? What do you want to know more about? How can I help you find it?"

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