Just about one year ago, I took an honest look at myself and I didn’t like what I saw. I needed to reset a lot of habits, make some significant changes to the way I approached just about everything in my life, and keep working at it, even when it was hard.
I can’t even believe that it’s already been a year, and that it’s only been a year, because time feels like that when you’re 44, I guess.
Here are the things I decided to address:
- Drink less beer.
- Read more (and Reddit does not count as reading).
- Write more.
- Watch more movies.
- Get better sleep.
- Eat better food.
- Exercise more.
Some of these things have been easier than others, and from month to month (and even day to day) what happens to be easy and what happens to be hard are constantly changing. I know that’s an obvious thing, but I say it because we can forget that, and consequently be unfairly rough on ourselves when we don’t live up to our expectations.
I know a lot of you who are reading this have been doing reboots of your own, and I want you to know that, no matter where you are in your personal journey, I am super proud of you. I’m not the boss of you or anything, but I give you permission to be proud of yourself. Go you!!
So let’s dive in here and see how things are going:
Drink Less Beer: Zero is less than all positive integers, and while there are brief moments when I miss having drinks with friends, they are fleeting.The very best part of drinking less and then not drinking at all is how I have had more productivity in my life in all areas. I’ve lost all the weight I wanted to lose, and my overall quality of life is vastly improved. There is also this profound clarity in my life that I never would have found if I hadn’t made a decision to quit drinking entirely, and face things that made me feel unhappy, or overwhelmed, or just some version of not good. I’ve talked with professionals and concluded that I never had a drinking problem like people who go to meetings to get sober, and I may decide that I can have a beer or a cocktail every now and then at some point in my future. But right now, I honestly don’t feel like I’m missing out on anything. Grade: A+
Read More: I set my Goodreads Challenge to 30 books this year. It’s always been 20, and people who have lots of time to read or who can read incredibly fast and not miss out on things have been kinda judgy at me about that in the past. I always felt like 20 was more than zero, and it was about two books a month, which seemed reasonable and achievable. This year, I upped it because I wanted it to be more of a challenge than a goal, if that makes sense. So I’ve been reading like crazy, carrying a book with me everywhere, and branching out from the stuff I usually read. This last month, I read Mara Wilson’s magnificent memoir, Where Am I Now? which I give 5 out of 5 and 12 out of 10 because it’s a very good book, Brent. I’m also still in William Gibson’s The Peripheral, which is still a bit of work to stay connected to, but not in a bad or unsatisfying way. I’m also doing lots of magazines and short fiction, because that’s the sort of writing I’m working on. I’m on pace to make my goal for the year, and I’ve kept my reading pretty diverse, so I get an A.
Write More: I haven’t finished anything for my short story collection, but one of the stories that I thought would be about 3500 words is now just over 32000 words, and is maybe even on its way to being a novel. I’ve been writing about it here and sharing little bits of it as I work on it, so I won’t rehash all of that. You can look at those links if you want. I don’t know if it all holds together, but I’m pretty sure that I can make it hold together in rewrites, if it needs me to do that. The important thing is that I’ve been enjoying the process, and I’ve been growing as a writer the whole time. I hope that I can get it finished soon, though, because it’s almost October and I have a scary story that I want to write and release before Halloween. A+
Watch More Movies: I don’t feel like I’ve watched as many movies as I could have, but I’ve watched a wide variety of movies, from silent movies to Kenneth Anger art films to exploitation movies to some very good recent releases. Anne and I have been watching a lot of super good quality television, with great storytelling and writing, though, and I’m getting out of it what I wanted to get out of watching more movies: I’m inspired to create, and reminded why I still care about being an actor in an industry that doesn’t want to return my calls right now. A+
Get Better Sleep: Last month, I wrote about how frustrating this part has been for me. The last couple weeks have been marginally better, mostly because I stopped trying to fight my idiot brain that doesn’t want to power down and go to sleep when I do. My nightmares are still pretty intense and I’m currently experiencing that unsettled weirdness that comes from a couple nights of vivid terror that feels real when you’re asleep and can’t fight it. I read somewhere that our bodies don’t know the difference between imagined emotion and real emotion (this was in the context of being an actor, who spends all day pretending to fight with someone, and has a hard time letting go of that adrenaline when he gets home because his body’s fight or flight system doesn’t know the difference between real and pretend) so my stupid brain is making me feel like I was actually in the movie Green Room, and then actually missed a flight home. Yay for stress dreams, I guess. So I’m still doing what I can do to get better sleep, like not having late day caffeine, wearing the dumb orange goggles before bed when I read, and hitting the sack the instant my brain even suggests to me that it may be willing to go to sleep, whether that’s at 9pm or 1am. The only thing that I think I could do that I’m not doing is just force myself to get up at 7am when I want to get up, and force my body to get on board with this, so it’s tired when I want to go to sleep, but I just can’t bring myself to do that right now. So I’ll give myself a B.
Eat Better Food: My only vice left is ice cream, and I have ice cream almost every night. I’m not going to feel bad or apologize for it, or make any excuses. All my other meals are really good, and we are cooking our own food at least three nights a week. I track my calories in and out, and I’m staying right around 1300 calories every day, which I guess is good for a guy my age and activity level and all that stuff. A.
Exercise More: I really want to be out running at least four times a week. I haven’t done that, because it’s been miserably hot here for no good reason. But when I do run, more like twice a week, I’m going for anywhere between 30 and 45 minutes, doing just over 20 minutes without stopping, and even getting my 5K time down to just over 30 minutes without really pushing myself like I would in a race. My goal is to increase my time and distance so I can do a 10K, then a half marathon, and a full marathon next year. I’m on pace for that. I’m also walking with Anne for about 3 miles on days I don’t run, and we walk our dogs every day. I’m adding a tiny bit of strength training, mostly just pushups and squats and planks in the house, and that’s making a positive difference. Without getting all obsessive about exercise, I couldn’t do better than I am, so I get an A+.
Before I total up my points and give myself a final grade, I want to do one more thing, and look at why I chose each of these things to reboot, and see if I am getting what I wanted out of them.
- Drink less beer.
I wanted to be more present in my life, lose a bunch of bloated weight that I was carrying around, and clear my head so I could honestly assess what I liked and didn’t like about myself. Is it working? YES.
- Read more (and Reddit does not count as reading).
I wanted to nourish my brain and my spirit with narrative fiction, non-fiction, graphic novels and other comics, and find inspiration in those creative works. I wanted to be Someone Who Reads again, and I wanted to not spend a lot of time err, waste a lot of time doing Someone Is Wrong On The Internet. I wanted to be informed about current events, have a better understanding of things that I don’t know enough about, and be a more well-read, well rounded, and interesting person. Is it working? YES.
- Write more.
I took this whole year off from a lot of work so I could be a writer. I was depressed and unfulfilled and unhappy and sad, all the time, because I felt like I’d spent years doing other people’s work. I’d lost my way, creatively, and I know this sounds wanky but it’s true: I needed to find my way back to The Art. I needed to write stories and tell stories and finish stories. I needed to grow as a writer so I had the confidence to start a thing, and keep going when it got tough. I needed to develop the discipline to put down words without judgement and go back to fix things later. I needed to be the Writer that I was telling people I was, before I got distracted three years ago and didn’t write every day. I needed to do something to express myself creatively because I want to be a writer when I grow up. I need to honor the very good writers who I know and love and respect who tell me that I am a good writer, and that I need to write more. Is it working? HELL YES.
- Watch more movies.
I needed to stop playing arcade games and pinball. I needed to stop goofing off online, reading Fark and Reddit and Hacker News and Imgur. I needed to rediscover the art inside of making movies. I needed to find a connection to the part of me that wants to be a filmmaker, that loves to bring characters and their stories to life, even though the part of me that needs to Prove To Everyone That I Can Do It is constantly in my way. I needed to remember why art matters, and why there is room for everything from a shitty Michael Bay movie to a deeply moving little indie. I needed to watch things that are great, to get inspired, and I needed to watch things that aren’t great so I didn’t judge myself solely against Kubrick and Welles and James Gunn. Is it working? YES.
- Get better sleep.
I needed to stop staying up late just because, and sleeping late just because I stayed up late. I needed to stop having nightmares and panic attacks every night. I needed to get more out of my days, feel more productive, not dread turning out the light every night. Is it working? NOT LIKE I WANT IT TO BUT IT ISN’T MY FAULT.
- Eat better food.
I had to stop having a #burritowatch every day, even though they’re delicious. I needed to lose weight and get my body fat down. I needed to lower my cholesterol, and I needed to start respecting that my body is older and that the food I put into it is fuel for this meat sack I rely upon to move my consciousness through our shared reality. Is it working? YES.
- Exercise more.
I had to get off my ass and move my body. I needed to acknowledge and respect that, even if I am mathematically in middle age, whether or not I was “middle aged” was up to me. I needed to put in the work now, so that I’m strong and healthy and not prone to injury in ten years when I’m in my fifties. I needed to do this thing that is actually productive, that was hard, that gave me immediate and tangible results, because most of what I do feels like it isn’t real. I needed to assert control over my body and my health, because I have a long time left in my life and I want to enjoy it. Is it working? YES.
So before I even get to my grades, I know that this has been totally and unquestionably worth it. I also know that it’ll continue to be worth it, and probably next month I’m going to add some new goals, because I feel like these are now a solid foundation that I can build something awesome upon.
OKAY GRADES! 36/28. Um. Hell yes go me that’s an A+ and I think I might even make the Dean’s List.
Congrats Wil – Please keep it up for yourself and for the inspiration it provides to others. I did want to share with you that I have finished listening recently to a couple of Scalzi books that you narrated. You are really good at that and I enjoyed your narration/performance tremendously. Please keep that up too.
Thanks, Wil, for sharing this. And congratulations on being able to achieve most of your goals. I also have a hard time in the sleep department, which I’ve always blamed on my anxiety and depression, so I know that that particular goal will be a hard one to get a handle on. But after reading this post, I think I will start putting together some goals of my own so that I can reboot as well. I’m sick and tired of being sick and tired. So thanks for the inspiration.
1300 Calories? And you run daily? Is that figure total calories or actual intake? I mean, good on you, I’m just curious as my intake target is around 1900 (granted I’m heavier than you) and that seems like a super low number. Far from unattainable, but that’d be hard for me.
I don’t run every day, but on the days that I do, I usually take in an additional 500 to 700 calories. I’m typically ending a day with a net (after exercise) between 1300 and 1500.
hi wil.
congratulations on your seemingly very successful reboot. you really earned that A+ there!
i’ve been a fan of your work (tabletop as well as what i have seen from your acting) for quite some time, but it wasnt until rather recently that i started to be interested in your more personal (thiugh still public) appearances. i stumbled across that talk you gave about bullies at the university of miami, and boy, was i impressed. i never knew that you – like me – suffer from depression and anxiety issues. i really appreciate how hard it must have been for you to do this talk, you really can be proud of yourself (except that quite possibly you actually physically cant, in which case allow me to be proud of yourself for you).
anyway, it was only through this amazing and inspiring talk that i became aware of your blog, which has since (and thet is only the past few days) had a big impact on the way i sse myself and my problems. thank you very very much, wil.
i would gladly some day thank you in person and shake your hand, but as it is rather unprobable for you coming to austria some time soon, i guess thats not an option.
still – keep up the great work, both for yourself and all those you have inspired (and continue to do so).
speaking of which: thanks to all the wonderful people writing comments here, you helped me too quite a bit. you gathered quite a bunch of great people here, wil!
Have you tried Halo Top ice cream? it is full of protein and is actually really delicious. Not that you need to feel guilty for eating ice cream, but this could make you feel a tad less guilty. The lemon is my favorite.
Wil,
Congratulations on a year of intentional living!
You’ve inspired me (and many others) to think about our own reboots. It can feel overwhelming to think about the scope (duration and number of categories) for a Me 2.0 project, but reading your updates over the last year reminds me it’s really just realistic (SMART) goal setting and small steps–taking it one day or week or month at a time. I shouldn’t actively worry about doing something for a year, or the rest of my life, just try to do something nice for Future Me (eat less junk, sleep better, enjoy life, etc.) today, then repeat it tomorrow. Also, being a sedentary nerd of very-close-age-to-you, your reboot is a good reminder if I want Future Me to be healthy and strong to survive the transition to IA-robot overlords (j/k), that now is the time… no more waiting until later! Later has come and gone, and come and gone again!
Thanks for sharing your process with us. I wish you (and your family) continued good health and contentment.
Wil! I just got home from the Doc. After much discussion about my anxiety problems and sadness (lingering from losing Cosmo), we determined that my biggest problem was insomnia from my mind racing when I try to sleep, which has been a problem of mine for many years. I am now on the lowest dose of Seroquil, and my Doc believes this should work for me. If it does, I wish I had gotten this 20 years ago. Sleep deprivation has really harmed my life over the years. We shall see, and I will let you know.
Good on ya, Glenn! I’m glad you got help, because you deserve it.
Wil- you may want to pick up some tart red cherry juice. It has natural melatonin which aids in more productive sleep. It also has anti inflammatory properties as well as fiber & nutrients. It takes a bit to get used to if u r used to sweeter juices but it is so worth it. Good luck achieving proper sleep quality.
I can’t qualify this, but I think your voice as a writer is refreshing. I’ve only read a couple of your blog entries, both of which regarded your reboot, and I admire your transparency. Your checklist of improvements speaks to me, so much so that I’m stealing it, and using it as a blueprint for improving my own life. So thank you for that. You seem like a super good dude, man. Way to stay on track! Be well.
PS: I read an awesome book called Spark, which got me to start running for 10-15 mins or so first thing in the morning. It’s like jump-starting your brain. I challenge you to do it for 5 days in a row, and not feel amazing. And if you want me to throw down the gauntlet, follow up the morning run with a cold shower (this is the hard part).
Later on,
Matty
(Standing, clapping) Yes! Well done, Wil!!!! Good on you!
I may even do my own planned, thought out, reboot next year. I’ve never been one to be able to stick to stuff like that, but if I include it on my own blog like you do maybe I will be successful. Thanks for the inspiration and for sharing with us.
Good job man! I felt the age thing as well. Once you hit that 40 mark it more important thatn ever to watch what you put into your body.
Congratulations!
I know I had more to say but real life calls.
Only now do I realize I’ve had a sort of reboot forced on me. A few months ago I turned out to have diabetes, high cholesterol, my liver was shot (because of the other two: I don’t drink at all), and my anxiety, nightmares and crappy sleeping pattern aren’t doing my glucose levels any favors either. Starting a diet, moving in spite of old and new injuries and bringing some regularity into my life have made a large difference in just how bad the numbers were in my bloodwork… The doc thought the lab’d made a mistake at first, which is a good sign, I think… I believe it’s time I started following your example: setting specific goals, and looking at how things are working out for me. Because every time I make an honest mistake (“Oops, I didn’t know there were carbs in that!”) I beat myself up for weeks, -thanks, depression & self-loathing!- and that’s just not working. Your method seems like a good solution. So thanks, Wil. I hope that if you ever return to the Con circuit, I’ll be able to shake your hand in The Netherlands some day. I don’t think you’ll ever realize the difference you make for people, speaking up on the things you do. Thanks, man. Really.
Great job Wil, it’s been interesting and fun to follow your reboot.
I myself have resolved something somewhat similar, and in connection with am most likely going off gluten – as in bread, pasta and such. Is this something you’ve tried as well?
It started when a friend, who is a nutritionist, suggested we take our son off gluten – seeing as he’s had tummy-trouble. Which made me realise that I’ve had tummy-trouble since I was a kid.
I stopped eating gluten and…yes, my stomach is so much better. My sons too (we’ve gone off it now so that we can do a proper blood-test to see our level of gluten-intolerance). Also, I don’t feel as tired (as I’ve always felt) anymore.
Anyway, that got me to thinking about gluten and sugar and your depression – seeing as how there is (a lot of?) sugar in ice-cream and that gluten quite often is connected with carbs – i.e. sugar.
And no, I’m not a nutritionist or a scientist but apparently sugar has, by some, been linked to depression.
Seeing as how you’re so open about yourself I just thought I needed to say this to you. It might be nothing, it might be everything.
You might even have explored (and talked about) it, I can’t remember.
Sugar is, in any case, being investigated heavily at the moment. I’m sure you’ve read a lot about it, maybe even in the NY Times?
http://www.nytimes.com/2016/09/13/well/eat/how-the-sugar-industry-shifted-blame-to-fat.html?_r=1
And apparently theres a Nancy Appleton, PhD, who’s written a lot about the subject.
Like I said. I have no idea if this’ll help or if you’ve already explored it. I just think you’re a good guy and deserve to have the best of health – along with everybody else.
All the best!
//Henrik
Frankly, I like the second picture a lot more. The first one shows a nice, kind person. The second one….I don’t know. You’re just really “there” if that means anything.
Last — when my father-in-law become a recovering alcoholic (and maintained his sobriety for 20+ awesome years) he really glomed onto ice cream. It’s very common among his buds in AA. It’s not an addiction thing but rather a biology/metabolism thing. Something about adjusting to being without the high sugar content that the alcohol had been providing….but LOTS more healthy for you. I went through a health thing this year and when I began my own love-affair with ice cream, my med. team all agreed that there were worse things for me to become addicted to … and at least this provided me with some calcium.
Now, if I could only kick my parallel addiction to white cheddar Cheezits….
Hey Wil, I’m proud of you! Way to go on the reboot! You look great and I’m sure you probably feel way better now than a year ago. I think at our age a reboot should be on everyone’s list of things to do. You tend to wander off the path quite a bit through life and by the time someone gets to 40 most of the time they’ve wandered far enough so that they’re far from being the person they were or wanted to be. It’s good to refocus the mind. Very admirable and inspiring. Thank you.
Nice work on the reboot! Those are all great goals and it’s nice to see you’re meeting them and reaping benefits. As a fellow 44-year-old I can attest that the better exercise, eating and sleep make a huge difference in the quality of life.
Have you considered something like an Obstacle Course Race (Spartan, Warrior Dash, Tough Mudder etc) instead of just increasing running distances? I’m bored by the idea of running 10k even though I regularly do while training for my yearly Spartan race (I do the Virginia Super at Wintergreen which will kick your ass even if you train for it all year long. It’s my motivation to keep training), but I LOVE the variety and required variation in training of obstacle racing. I’m not good at it, but it is way more motivational to me.
I’ve picked a super hard race because I have some athletics background and a super hard race is more motivational to me, but you don’t have to pick a super hard one. Many of the Sprints are pretty flat while being between 3-5 miles and you certainly don’t have to run the whole thing. I love your reboot and just wanted to throw in a suggestion.
I’d like to do one of those zombie mud runs or a color run some day, but at the moment, I’m still really happy to do my regular road running.
I find the super friendly atmosphere of most mud-runs to make them a lot more fun and that in turn makes me want to do my 5k/5mile/6.4mile training runs. I’ve never tried a zombie run or color run myself, I have no idea how fun they are (the zombie run sounds more fun to me). Honestly, I just have trouble paying $35-50 to go run 5k on a road when I can do that at home. There is absolutely nothing wrong with enjoying that, it just isn’t my thing and each time I see you post about your reboot and running I think “I bet he would have a great time doing a Spartan with his family” but never post it. Thought I’d post it.
I know I’m late to the party, but I had a suggestion that, well, who knows if it will work.
Have you considered writing yourself a going to bed scene and then performing it when you want to go to bed? Try to trick your body and your subconscious mind to get it down off the adrenaline highs and out of scary places?
Could be it wouldn’t do anything, but it doesn’t seem like it would hurt.
Best wishes.
I’m looking to do a reset myself. Mostly I need to get on top of my anxiety issues – especially health anxiety. I’ve done talk therapy in the past, but i’ve resisted medication to help. I’ve been reading your past posts on your journey with depression and anxiety and the medication avenue isn’t one i’m completely dismissing anymore. As in true anxiety fashion, the thought of taking medication causes me anxiety 🙂
Thank you for all your posts and your honesty regarding your struggles with mental health. It’s very inspirational.
Hi Wil. Just a simple thank you. After I read your reboot post a year I too was inspired to try something, anything, to try to regain my rapidly fading 49 year old life.
I imagine there are days when you wonder why you write. When you are more disappointed in your failures then anyone else can understand.
I want you to know that the work you do is important. When you share these stories, you are sending out messages of hope and acceptance to people who just need a little bit of each in their lives. If you ever wonder what good could come of your Star Trek fame, this is it. You are changing lives, for the better, every single day.
Once again, thank you.
So glad to hear things are all-in-all going well. Congratulations on your personal journey so far, and best wishes on your continued success. You are an inspiration to a lot of people, and just seeing how happy you and Anne are gives us hope and joy.
Mazel tov! Shiny! And, Thanks for all the fish. #geekthings
Hi Wil, and all readers that stop by!
I must first say that I have loved STAR TREK, in all of its iterations, for all of its 50+ years, so far.
This gives away the fact that I am a few years your senior (more than 60 at present). I’ve had some health issues that I do my best to stay on top of, but I don’t do as good a job RE-BOOTING as you have. As you have conceded, I also am a sufferer of Depression and Anxiety / Panic Attacks. Sleep has always been fleeting, and I manage to survive on 5 to 6 hours of REM sleep daily. This is not by design or desire, but just a simple fact of my life. I learned that my “Driven” personality, when it came to my Work, was a significant contributing factor to my developed heart fibrillation and flutter problem. I came to learn to accept that anyone having a heart “Doing to Them what Mine was Doing to Me” that their level of Anxiety and Panic would be on “High Alert” also.
I hope someone else may happen upon this and realize that their struggle is shared by many.
Keep up the re-boot and give yourself High Marks.
Thanks for the opportunity to share part of my life with you, and Thanks for all the Fun and Quality Work you Contribute.
Wil, congrats on the successful reboot. I too have insomnia, and have found that repeated listening (every night) to a hypnosis recording (Paul McKenna, I Can Make You Sleep) has really helped. I tried the tart cherry juice but found no effect.
OMG I miss TableTop so much 🙁
Drink less beer?!? Oh the humanity!
And here I was hoping to catch you coming through Texas some time and talk you into brewing with me. 🙂 jk Good on you though for getting your life on the track you want it to be. I’ve been trying to get started on something along the same lines. Quit smoking 2 years ago and have cut back on my homebrewing, allowing for a reduction in consumption, and trying to eat better also.
This is the one that I was curious on as well. Love Wil, and absolutely, don’t drink anymore if that is what works for you…but I thought you were a beer connoisseur? A brewer even!? What if a friend dropped a whale in your lap and wanted to drink it with you? So are you still not drinking? Are you also not brewing? I have to remind myself that you are an older gentleman than I, and perhaps I would like to take a turn down your road in a few years (i’m 35 with kids, Daddy could use a nightcap), although I have done a month off here and there.
Anyway, can’t wait to watch TableTop s4e1 tonight! Keep on keeping on man.
Not drinking at the moment, but still love and appreciate beer. I haven’t been brewing, because I’m going to end up with a bunch of beer that I can’t do anything with, so I’m learning to bake bread and roast coffee beans, instead.
You used the word “Reboot”, you should be chided for that. No more reboots. I will accept a cleanse, but not a reboot. It’s horrible when they do it do movies and just as bad for bodies.