I had decided that I wasn’t going to do these after a year, but since I’m still committed to the changes I made a little over a year ago, and I need to post something today, to keep the chain unbroken, I’m going to check in and see how I’m doing. I haven’t actually thought about these things until now, so when I give myself a grade today, it’ll be an honest grade, based on where I am right now.
If this is your first time hearing about the reboot, here’s what you need to know:
Just about one year ago, I took an honest look at myself and I didn’t like what I saw. I needed to reset a lot of habits, make some significant changes to the way I approached just about everything in my life, and keep working at it, even when it was hard.
I can’t even believe that it’s already been a year, and that it’s only been a year, because time feels like that when you’re 44, I guess.
Here are the things I decided to address:
- Drink less beer.
- Read more (and Reddit does not count as reading).
- Write more.
- Watch more movies.
- Get better sleep.
- Eat better food.
- Exercise more.
Every month, I wrote a post that looked into each of those things I decided to change, and examined how I was doing with them. That was a helpful part of the exercise, because it made me look at myself and my choices honestly and fearlessly. At times, it motivated me to work harder, and at other times it encouraged me by making me realize that I was doing better than I thought.
This time around, since I haven’t done a public check-in since October, I’m going to give myself two grades on each point. One will be the overall since last time, and one will be for January. Here we go.
Drink Less Beer – Well, I’ve gone a full calendar year without having any booze at all, so I think I get an A+ on this one, and I can take it off the list going forward, though I don’t plan to start drinking again. In the year since I quit drinking, I got a lot of clarity in my life. I got a lot done, and I accomplished a lot of stuff, personally and creatively. It was a big change that wasn’t always easy, because I really like good craft beer and fancy whisky. But I definitely liked it too much at times, and it was making me gain weight, slowing down, and it gave me a soft escape from the frustrations and difficulties of reality a little too often. Cutting alcohol out of my life hasn’t magically given me all the things I have wanted for years. I haven’t had a sudden explosion in acting work, and I actually worked less as an actor in 2016 than I did in 2015. (It’s interesting to me that the first place my mind goes when I think about this is how much I’ve struggled to get on-camera work, or even the opportunity to audition for on-camera work.) But! I’m healthy. I have better mental health than I did a year ago. I have better relationships with my friends, who I see more often. I am a better husband and partner to Anne. I’m not pouring away evenings, feeling sorry for myself. I’m in good shape and some random lady even thought I was attractive the other day, so there.
I haven’t finished the all the books I want to finish, but I’m getting there. I haven’t gotten the on-camera jobs I wanted. I haven’t solved the Hollywood puzzle, and maybe I never will. But I have sort of regained control of my life in a way I didn’t even know I needed to. I have to remember that it’s okay, and it’s normal, to feel the bad things and the sad things, and that it’s also okay to feel proud of myself for making this change and sticking with it. Grade: A+/A+
Read More – I made it a goal to read 30 books in 2016, and I barely got there, by finishing a Kindle Single on New Year’s Eve. I could have counted magazines, and made it to 30 by the end of March, but that would have been cheating. The whole point of reading more was to expand my intellectual world, to find artistic inspiration as a writer and an actor (and it feels really stupid to say “as an actor” because I don’t think I’ve worked on-camera as an actor in close to a year, so I don’t feel like one). That was a total success. I mostly read fiction, but I also read some non-fiction, including a lot of books that have helped me grow as a writer. I have learned a lot about structure and how to break a story. I’ve read novels and short stories that inspired me to create my own works of narrative fiction. I’m making a decision almost every day to invest time in feeding my brain (that Tyrion Lannister quote about books and swords and whetstones comes to mind) and at this point, if I were to read more books, I wouldn’t have a lot of time for much else. So this is becoming a maintenance thing, going forward. I can probably take it off the list, or at least change the wording. At the moment, I’m reading two books, and listening to a third. Grade: A/A
Write More – I finished the puke draft of a short story that may technically qualify as a novella, and I’m in the last 10-15K words of a short story that turned into a novella that decided to become a novel. As I say whenever I mention that one (which I’ve given the working title “All We Ever Wanted Was Everything”), I don’t know if it all holds together, but even if it doesn’t, I can break it up into a few different short stories, and the very best part of the entire experience in writing it has been gaining the confidence to just write what’s in my head without judgement. I’m getting better at telling stories, and I’m getting better as listening to the characters who are in them. I’m starting to think about how I’m going to publish these things. Am I going to self-publish? Will I try to pitch a publisher? I don’t know, though I’m leaning toward self-publishing. But that’s a bridge that I can’t even see right now, much less think about crossing. Since October, I get an A. Currently, even though I’ve been writing in my blog daily for almost two straight months, I’m only giving myself a C+, because every day I look at the rewrite that I need to finish, and come up with some excuse to not do it.
Watch More Movies – Again, the wording needs to change on this one, or maybe it needs to come off the list, because I think it’s done its work for me. I’m watching, on average, three movies a week, and at least that many episodes of long-form narrative television that isn’t escapist fun. So if I was going to watch more, I’m in the same problem as I would be with writing. Just like reading, the goal here was to get inspired, and find my way back to the Art. Did I ever write about the day I realized I was unhappy all the time because I needed to find my way back to the Art? I feel like I did, but now I’m not sure. Oh, yes, I did: I took this whole year off from a lot of work so I could be a writer. I was depressed and unfulfilled and unhappy and sad, all the time, because I felt like I’d spent years doing other people’s work. I’d lost my way, creatively, and I know this sounds wanky but it’s true: I needed to find my way back to The Art. I needed to write stories and tell stories and finish stories. I needed to grow as a writer so I had the confidence to start a thing, and keep going when it got tough. I needed to develop the discipline to put down words without judgement and go back to fix things later. I needed to be the Writer that I was telling people I was, before I got distracted three years ago and didn’t write every day. I needed to do something to express myself creatively because I want to be a writer when I grow up. I need to honor the very good writers who I know and love and respect who tell me that I am a good writer, and that I need to write more. So that’s in the context of writing, and I wrote basically the same thing about watching movies, so that’s obviously something that’s been weighing on my mind for a long time. It was working in October, but I’m not sure it’s working now. Maybe it’s my stupid Depression Brain, but when I watch a movie I love right now, more often than not, I don’t think “Wow, I sure would love to do something like this!” What I actually think and feel is, “Well, I’ll never get a chance to do something like this, and I better figure out a way to get okay with that before it kills me.” So I’m watching more movies, and a wide diversity of movies, and I’m also watching some truly wonderful television, but I don’t feel like this is a thing that I need to do any more. I think the new goal will be something like, “Get offline and work on something you’re proud of. Don’t waste time paying attention to garbage that doesn’t matter.” Grade: B/A
Get Better Sleep – Last time I looked at this, my brain was giving me nightmares and not letting me sleep for more than a couple hours at a time. Since last time, it’s been basically the same. I’m not remembering most of my dreams, but I am waking up with vague memories of them being bad. It’s nearly impossible for me to fall asleep before midnight, and when I do, I wake up at 2am for at least an hour. I have no idea what this is about. I have tried everything from only having caffeine in the morning, exercising myself nearly to exhaustion, meditation, every kind of calming, relaxing tea you can imagine, pure CBD sublingual oil, and over the counter sleep things. The OTC stuff sucks and makes me feel awful. I’m not even going to consider things like Ambien, because this is more of an inconvenience, than something that’s affecting my quality of life in a way that I think justifies something like that. The CBD actually helps about half of the time, without any icky side effects, and I may look into something a little stronger in that area. Teas don’t seem to help, but I still like them a lot. The Kava Calm and Bedtime teas from Yogi Tea are great, and probably work for someone who doesn’t have a totally broken brain like I do. Maybe it’s just my lot in life to sleep for a little over 8 hours, starting at 1am, and feel like a groggy bucket of shit for an hour every morning. I realize this is a stupid artist problem that people who work for a living will have no sympathy for, and I respect that. Like I said in October, I’m doing what I can do so that I can get better sleep, and my asshole brain just isn’t getting on board with the program. So I think I’m going to give myself a C since October, and grade myself on a curve to C+ for this month. I’m trying my best, and that’s all I can do, right?
Eat Better Food – If you follow me on Instagram, you know that I’ve been cooking almost every night. Anne and I got Blue Apron, and we like it. I’d give it 3 out of 5, but that’s a whole post of its own. So we are making good food, healthy food. But since December, I have developed a massive sweet tooth for real Cadbury Milk Chocolate, and I’m drinking sodas like twice a week. I’ve replaced homebrewing with breadmaking, which is really cool and satisfying, but is mmmmmmaybe leading to me eating more bread than I probably should. My weight hasn’t suffered that much, though I have gone back to 156-158 from the 154-155 I’d worked so hard to maintain. My scale says my body fat percentage has increased from 17.9 to 18.2. I’m sure that the added sugar in my diet is a big part of that. But here’s the thing: even though I apparently have this new vice in my life (the highest quality chocolate I can find and afford) and I eat ice cream almost every night, I’m staying within my in/out calorie goals, and for fuck’s sake, world, I’m not going to deny myself everything that I like just for the sake of achieving this number on a scale. I feel good in my skin (most of the time), I’m able to run almost as much as I want to, I have to go get all my suits tailored because I’ve lost two inches off my waist since I got them eighteen months ago … it’s like, it’s fine. If I’m going to have one thing in my life that isn’t totally good for me, I’m okay with it being this. Still, grades: B overall since October, even counting for the holidays, and a C for this month. I know that I can do better here, but I honestly just don’t care that much right now. I have other things to hate myself about. Maybe I’m a little defensive about this, now that I read it again.
Exercise More – Oh, Wil. You were doing so well. Maybe it’s the cold and dark of winter. Maybe it’s related to all the stress from the holidays. Maybe it’s something entirely different. All I know is that I went from looking forward to running daily to making myself run at least three days a week to maybe running once a week to trying to run and oh fuck me my goddamn knee and hip hurt again. Still, when I do run, I’m almost able to run for 30 minutes without stopping. I’m getting my 5K time close to 30 minutes, and I know that I could get under 30 if I were in an actual race. I have a lot of dumb aches that are probably the result of the extra sugar in my diet and the reduction of exercise at the same time. So this is going to stay on the list, and I’m going to be honest with myself: I can do better. I need to do better. I will do better. Even if it’s just walking, even if it’s just fifteen minutes to go around a few blocks, it’s something that I can find the time to do. And it’s a good excuse to listen to a podcast, or some more of my current audiobook. Grade since October: D. Grade this month: C.
I’m not looking forward to scoring the whole grade here, but working out the average, I see that I get:
Quarterly Grade: 22 points out of a possible 28 for, like … I guess it’s a C
January(ish) Grade: 22 points out of a possible 28. That’s going to be a C, also. Weird how that averaged out. Maybe I actually feel like 22 out of 28 at this moment in time, and I subconsciously gave myself grades that get there? I don’t know. This version of the timeline is really fucked up and about to get a whole lot worse.
Maybe I’m being tougher on myself than I should, because today my self esteem is garbage and my Depression brain is having a field day with that. But this is down from 36 points last time. I think I need to meet with my advisor and consider some tutoring, or maybe adjusting my class load for this semester.
Hey Wil,
I am glad you decide to do this post. I’ve really enjoyed the whole series, and being honest and vulnerable about how you’re doing is so much more helpful than the “so and so lost a 100 pounds” narrative of personal change that we get fed everywhere.
I’ve been reading a book about depression by a neuroscientist who is very big on the helping the brain by using your hands to do something that has visible results. I immediately thought about your bread making, and wondered if you feel it’s helping you. I also thought about Jenny Lawson’s anti-anxiety craft projects. So maybe you could give yourself credit for that.
Also on sleep as a fellow sufferer. I had to shift my diet away from sugar, and at least for a while I found I slept better without it, You might try shifting your ice cream to a mid day treat and see how that feels. I know it’s really hard because my brain is wired to want sweet after 8. I also had luck for a while diffusing essential oils in my bedroom. Since you are so tolerant of all this unsolicited advice, I’ll just add that although you are doing everything you can to help with the sleep, recognizing that poor sleep can mess you up in all kinds of way, will maybe let you be more compassionate with yourself.
Lack of solid sleep is one of the roughest things to suffer and I know personally how it can effect mood negatively. I do know a few trick depending on the nature of the problem.
Do you simply not feel tired, or only tired in the body not in the mind? Try telling yourself a bed time story. What I mean is imagine you are in front of an audience reciting Red Ridinghood or better yet one of your own stories. Go slow, pick your words carefully. Sum it up without leaving out important detail. I find this exersize taxes my mind greatly and helps keep it off anxiety from the day.
Tired all over but sleep does not come? I usually find this to be a diet issue so I might keep a food/sleep journal to see the trigger. Also DO NOT get out of bed if you can. If you get up and start doing anything else you will shut down the chems your brain is sending you.
Wake up every few hours? Once again, DONT GET UP. Stay in bed because even if you don’t get full REM sleep for the brain, the body wants it’s rest. Force yourself into routinue like must be physically in bed by 10pm and out by 6am. Do not nap, don’t sleep in. This takes time but works. Think of when you were an infant, your parents had to force you onto a normal sleep cycle, and may need weeks to do it again. Always give yourself 8 hours at first and early bed, early rise.
Experiencing nightmares that honestly scare you? I have sleep paralysis and I experience this alot myself. Sleeping next to a partner is my biggest help when I wake terrified, I hug them or squeeze their hand to center me back in the real world. If he is not there, I go hug my furry friends. I often tell them what I just saw to break the dreams realism. (Yes I talk to my cats.) Once I can look at my experience with “daylight” eyes I often fear falling back to sleep less.
These work for me but swear they are worth a try. One last tip, was there anything that put you to sleep as a young child? A certain album, tv show, or food? Ask family and ma surprised how a song from your childhood may still help do the trick.
Better dreams.
Wil, I’m so sorry you didn’t get to experience real Cadbury’s chocolate before Mondelez foods (used to be Kraft iirc) bought Cadbury’s and cheapened everything about it. We here in the UK have been deploring it’s loss for some time, and it doesn’t help that they’re shrinking some bars now also.
I wanted to thank you for this post, and also the one in October. You inspired me to do a reboot as well. I went as far as making a google form to track my ‘grades’.
I did want to say, you deserve a better grade for sleep. I think you need to be looking at the effort you’re putting in to it rather than the end result. You put in a ton of effort,and it seems the end result is something you can’t control.
Good stuff, although I’d up the not drinking to A++(and a few gold stars) in light of The Scottish holiday and all its tempting whisky goodness
Hey, Wil! It sounds like you struggle with some of the same sleep issues that I do. I highly recommend regular massages, since they help regulate cortisol in your body naturally. Additionally, I have had really good luck with the herb skullcap. It helps with relaxation, but is not as strong as OTC meds. Thanks for sharing your journey with us! I find it very inspiring and have used many of your ideas to work on myself! 🙂
Wil, I would really like to hear your opinions about Blue Apron at some point. My wife and I have tried one week of it. And it is a little extravagant (financially speaking) for us. It works for a “date in” meal, but not a regular life option for us.
We tried several options (including Blue Apron) and ultimately decided that it wasn’t for us. The quality of the ingredients and the recipes were generally very good. And it did push us out of our food rut. But we missed having leftovers for lunches. We also discovered that we ended up wasting a fair amount of the food we bought for the other meals because we never learned to adjust our shopping habits to subtract out those 3 meals a week. Although, to be fair, we might have with time.
I do like your date in idea though. It might be a good thing for a once a week kind of option.
Thank you for the CDB oil tip. I had assumed that one would need a medical marijuana card to get it, but I am glad to have been wrong. I will certainly be looking into it to see if it helps me.
Hi Wil, reading your comments on your running sound familar to a few discussions I have had recently. Keep an eye open for parkrun (http://www.parkrun.us/) starting up in your area, especially as the distance is 5km. The whole parkrun concept is doing some pretty amazing things for community health, from a physical fitness and a mental health perspective – having come into parkrun as a runner it is the community and mental health aspects that have astounded me.
The whole parkrun expansion is taking a little longer to catch on in the US, but it could be a useful tool in your toolkit.
cheers Darren
On the sleep issue, I would suggest giving melatonin a try. I have a number of issues that give me disturbed sleep patterns and insomnia, and taking liquid melatonin every night has helped me get to sleep much easier. Melatonin comes as pills of various strengths, but I would recommend starting with the liquid formulation. That makes it much easier to find just the right dose to help you. The first time I tried melatonin, it was at far too high a dosage for me – it got me to sleep, but I was a zombie all the next day! You want just enough to get you to sleep and keep you asleep, without flooding your brain with it all day.
I appreciate the thought very much. I can’t take melatonin, because it gives me terrible nightmares and panic attacks when I sleep.
Wil, I’m so glad I began reading your blog. I too have sleep problems. Recently I realized that early morning waking was linked to “disturbing images” and thoughts. So I took my Jungian training in hand and deliberately became conscious of those images and thoughts. Guess what? They went away and I’m mostly able to get back to sleep since. It’s worth a try. I also find hypnosis recordings work well. Best wishes for your ongoing self-improvement.