I needed new headshots and publicity shots, so I asked my friend, Kaelen, to come over to Castle Wheaton and help me out. We took a few dozen pictures in a few different locations, and I’m super happy with what we got. Here’s one of them:
When we finished shooting for the day, I had a realization that probably means more to me than it will to anyone else, but since that’s never stopped me from writing about something before…
I hate having my picture taken. I feel like I have ugly teeth, my forehead is too big, and my eyes always reveal how deeply sad I am inside. If you wonder why I’m usually pulling a face in pictures, now you know why. It’s like my armor, I guess.
This started early one morning when I was seven or eight years-old. I had to have headshots taken for commercial casting agents, and my mom took me out of school one day to meet with a photographer she knew. I remember feeling like I was getting a free day off, because I didn’t have to go to school (I don’t know why we didn’t do this on a weekend. Or maybe we did and I don’t remember that part of the day correctly. It’s not the important part, which I’m getting to, anyway). On the way to wherever we were going, my mom drove us through a McDonald’s, and let me get an Egg McMuffin. This was a big deal for me, because my parents never got us fast food. So I remember getting that, a greasy hashbrown, and that concentrated orange juice that came in the plastic cup with a foil seal. I wasn’t allowed to eat in the car, so I kept my bag of fancy McDonald’s breakfast in my lap until we got to the park and met the photographer.
He made me uncomfortable right away. He was just too wound up, too excited, had way too much energy. I was so little, I didn’t know how to vocalize any of these feelings, and my parents were very much into me and my sister following rules, so I just behaved myself and sat down at a picnic table to eat. I can see and feel it now: it’s cool and a little damp, probably late Spring. The picnic table is made of wood, and someone has scratched their initials into the bench. I have carefully stabbed the straw through the foil top of my orange juice, and my hash brown is still in its little cardboard holder, sitting on the carefully unfolded bag that I’m using as a placemat. I have my Egg McMuffin in my hand, ready to eat it. The photographer grabs it out of my hand, takes a bite, spits the food out on the grass, and hands it back to me. “Okay!” He says, with terrifying enthusiasm, “act like you just took a big bite of this and you love it!” He begins taking photos.
I don’t remember anything else with any clarity. It was almost forty years ago, but I can still feel — right now I feel — how upset that made me. One of my overwhelming memories from being a kid actor is that I didn’t have a voice in my own life, and that I had to do what the adults around me wanted me to do. That guy, who I’m positive didn’t mean anything cruel and was just excited to get to work, snatching my breakfast away from me and turning it into a prop for a photo shoot I didn’t even want to be part of, perfectly encapsulated everything I ever felt about being a kid actor. For the next few hours, I had to pose like an idiot, doing exaggerated expressions and changing my clothes a dozen times, because that’s how it worked in the late 70s.
Flash forward about four or five years. (My god I can’t believe it was only four or five years later, but that’s how fast the childhood that was stolen from me went by.) I’m in a studio with the other kids from Stand By Me. We’re posing for some publicity shots that will eventually make their way into teen magazines. I feel so awkward and uncomfortable. I am not cool like River, I am not famous like Corey, and I am not funny like Jerry. I am just sad and weird and self conscious and I want to be anywhere else.
Flash forward another year or so. I’m trying to figure out who I am and what I’m doing in my life. I’m at some party at Paramount, where I work every day on TNG. I’m only fourteen or maybe fifteen. There are no other kids my age there, and I feel sad and weird. I can’t relate to kids my own age because I never get to be around them, and I can’t relate to the adults I am always around, because I am a kid. I’m trying to figure out what I’m going to do at this party where nobody is paying attention to me, when a photographer comes up and takes my picture. He doesn’t ask, he doesn’t give me a chance to get ready. He just calls my name and when I look up, he takes this shot, which of course goes into a teen magazine:
Maybe you don’t see it, but I can see how sad I am, even though I’m trying to do this smile thing I’ve settled upon where I don’t show my ugly teeth that I hate.
They say that the camera doesn’t lie, that the camera reveals what’s going on inside a person, and I think that’s accurate. In all these pictures of me from the 80s and 90s, you can see how weird and awkward I am, and I can see how much I wanted to be anywhere else. Maybe I didn’t like pictures because they made me feel so vulnerable, since I was forced to just be me, instead of putting on the mask of a character I was playing. Maybe I just didn’t want to pose for pictures because it was yet another thing that normal kids didn’t do, and I wanted to be a normal kid (for values of “normal” that I didn’t really understand, but heavily romanticized. Thanks, John Hughes).
Anyway. This is all context that, like I said, probably doesn’t matter to anyone who isn’t me. It is context that matters to me because the photos we took are only the second time in my life that I have asked someone to take my picture, because I wanted it taken. I realized that when we were finishing up, and it made me feel happy.
I love the pictures that we got, and I love that I’m at a place in my life, finally, that has allowed me to feel a little more comfortable in the camera’s eye.
Thank you, Wil. What you went through during the years you had no choice was awful. But I love your two pictures-and can I say I handsome you are? I hope you see the way you really look now-a nice looking guy with a lot of soul. At least that’s what I think.
I’m glad you’re happy. Kind of feels awkward to say but you’ve always struck me as a kind and genuine man and I super admire that about you.
It’s not everyone who can express themselves as well as you do. I can only imagine there are other young actors and actresses who probably felt just as weird and out of place as you described. In the end, you turned out to be a very level-headed, cool person who loves to enjoy life from what I see online and on your site. You made it through and are in a better place than you used to be – the journey made you who you are, and that, in the end, turned out to have a very bright path.
Your story makes the new photos look even better. Instead of sadness in your eyes, I think I see peace.
I agree, these new photos are wonderful.
Great to see you moving forward and embracing life. I’m the same with photos, I have a massive self image problem amongst other things (depression and anxiety) but know that the road/journey has a good ending for people makes me feel better. Thank you for sharing your journey.
Thank you for quoting my favorite Rush song! That’s a deep, deep cut.
Beat me to it! 🙂
Not just quoted the song, but book-ended the piece with it. Nice 🙂
I appreciated it too. Not really sure anything off Moving Pictures can be considered a “deep cut” though…
I’m sorry you had that awful experience. I think you’re right, that photographer probably didn’t mean anything by it, but should have proceeded more carefully with a kid for crap sake.
You do look uncomfortable, or caught off guard in the “teen” photos and I would have hated that too.
I think these new headshots look fantastic – the lighting was so great. Still dig the new glasses too. However, in your adult photos I don’t see sad eyes, I see kind eyes. And it doesn’t matter what I think but I like your teeth and I like your face. I like your face wheaton! It’s just not fair to live with someone like Anne Wheaton. I mean, she’s amazing and it’s ridiculous. She’s a sunrise. Like a puppy, but in human form.
It’s so refreshing to read about the real you. I loved you on Star Trek, then followed you on Twitter many years later. Something about your Twitter persona wasn’t very relatable (to me, anyway), but the depth of your personality here on your blog makes me feel like I’m reading letters from a friend. Thanks for sharing your life with us! (Also, you’re right – it’s a great pic!)
Dude, those are some cool pictures! The one with the tree is your next author photo, I just know it. 🙂
I have some of the same fears about pictures, despite being an actor. I hadn’t thought of it as not being able to hide behind the character, but I like that. A character takes me over and I’ll be in front of a camera all day. But when it’s just me, supposedly being me? I hate my faded, crooked teeth (apparently braces don’t work unless you do the retainer thing at night and that was SO NOT HAPPENING) and my dry skin (it’s why I ever go out for print ads or commercials, since breakdowns always say MUST HAVE A PERFECT SMILE and NEED FLAWLESS SKIN). I still use the same headshots from at least four years ago (which probably hurts my casting chances, I don’t know, I have no idea how those magical things work) because I have my Hide-Your-Ugly-Teeth-But-Make-It-Look-Like-A-Mona-Lisa-Thing-Maybe-They’ll-Like-That smile and the lighting did me a couple favours. I feel like headshots are the worse because it’s not about how you actually look, it’s about how they want you to look so they can imagine you in a role, how you’ll look when you have makeup on to hide your flaws and you are wearing something that doesn’t clash with the background.
That said, I really do need new headshots. Does Kaelen have a website I could contact them through? I don’t need a portfolio because those shots are freakin’ great, so I trust the photographer eye already. 🙂
I love these pics. They are the ones I’ve seen of that match the person i see in your writing. I’m glad you like them.
I quite like those two photos. Good compositional elements, great lighting and in the lower one this light/shade play going on that one could wax philosophical about. Please pass along my compliments to Kaelen.
Glad you had a nice day and were able to feel good about having it. That photo looks great. Thank you for sharing.
Thanks for sharing this Wil. I’ve always felt the same way about having my photo taken, or otherwise being the center of attention. I HATE it when the family has the waitstaff sing Happy Birthday to me! The two photos above are wonderful; I lean toward the second as my favorite. I’m glad you were happy with the shoot even if it brought back sad memories.
OMG! It’s not just me who feels uncomfortable being photographed, who makes faces to cover up for that, and is self-conscious about their teeth! (I almost always smile with a closed mouth because of that.)
I had a horrible photograph experience when I was around that same age. My dad hired a photography student to take some family pictures, which we did walking around the neighborhood in Queens where my dad lived at the time. For years after, my dad would look at the pictures and remark on how miserable everyone looked. The photographer was nice enough, but I hated being told where to stand and how to stand and to smile when I was tired and nervous and didn’t feel like smiling. And it took the entire. Freaking. Day.
At least when I take selfies I have control over which ones people see and what I look like in them.
But these photos here? Those are really good! You don’t look weird or sad or uncomfortable.
Great photo, Wil. I think you are a really good person, and I appreciate you sharing these personal stories. It helps people like myself not feel so alone. Confidence has never been easy for me, and I’ve always viewed myself as inferior to others. Even now, I still struggle. I just hope you will always remember that so many people admire and look up to you. I know I do. Sending you a big hug.
As a fellow depression sufferer, I’ve got a pretty good radar for spotting others of my “kind.” You most definitely looked sad in the teen photo, and the body language (hands in pockets, leaning slightly forward as if you barely resist the flight impulse) confirmed you really didn’t want to be there.
Thankfully, you outgrew that phase and have, IMHO, a pretty great life now. So good on you, Wil!
Love the photo! You look great, and I know even if you get a million people telling you that but you don’t feel it, it doesn’t really matter, so I am glad you like it too. One of the first conventions I ever went to was a Star Trek convention in Pasadena with my dad, and really, I went because you were going to be there. I was so excited to get a picture with you. I was so nervous and awkward that I look RIDICULOUS in the picture, but I keep it because it reminds me of how great it was to get to meet my hero. I am really, really looking forward to seeing you at Phoenix “ComicFest” (Comicon) and I hope you’ll be up for pictures with your fans, because I’d really like to get one where I am not so much an awkward geek, and instead a geeking out geek with her awesome geek (and Mental Health) hero. Thanks Wil!
I think these new photos convey the impression that you are an interesting and contented human being who would be quite interesting to talk to. Very approachable – but then I think you’ve always looked approachable.
Don’t know squat about this stuff but your two new photos say to me “If I was a director/producer, I’d want this guy in my next film”.
Thank you again 1000 times for shining a light on the life of child actors. In my youth, I watched Annette Funicello and the other mousekateers and thought what a great deal it must be to do that. I’m sure many of them also experienced things like you write about. Speaking of which, have you ever written a book about this stuff?
Keep on being Wil Wheaton. You are the best!
Congratulations! Sounds like an unknown goal was accomplished.
What great insight! And how wonderful to be in a space that allows you to claim those insights. I believe that no becomes who our parents think we are or who they want us to be.even when we suppress our true selves to become who we think our parents want – the person that meets their needs, it will not work. Our true selves are always there waiting to be lived.
Cause and Effect thought – which came first, the working childhood or the unhappiness? If one is already depressed, wouldn’t the mind look for a cause/blame such as having to be an actor rather than a normal kid? If no acting, might have had other things to label as the cause of the sadness. Isn’t depression the common thread, not the job? Am I creating a bias because I’m a parent or because my friends with depression seem to operate this way?
When that cycle start happening, there are always “reasons” that their brains give them about whey they are unhappy, but I wonder if the brain chemistry had been different they’d have seen those experiences in an entirely different way? Maybe no one to blame but the stupid, stupid brains that are kicking out the wrong chemicals?
I know this is totally not the point, and I appreciate that you have shared something that was probably difficult for you to get out there that is serious and important. But all I can think of is how sad it is that you wasted so much time worrying about what you thought were ugly teeth. I can only speak for myself, but as a girl who bought some of those magazines because I totally was into you as a teenager, my favorite ones were when you were smiling big enough to see teeth, because I thought that made you extra attractive. Maybe I’m just weird, my husband also doesn’t have perfectly straight teeth and i found them really attractive when I fell for him years and years ago. But that’s why you should never waste your energy worrying about how your teeth look – because it is all subjective! Anyway, long way of saying I really like your big toothy smile, still do.
I’m glad you are feeling happier with yourself nowadays. Being in pictures is something i hate about myself and I’m not in the public eye like you. I’m learning to be more comfortable with who i am, but its a daily struggle.
I take a lot of inspiration from you, thank you for all you do.
P. S. You are a very handsome man with a magnificent beard. You
As a photographer myself (only nature) – I hate being on the other side of the camera. I am usually focused on such detail perhaps it comes out in over judging myself when on the other side. At least you perhaps gained some peace in writing about it.
Thank you so much for sharing. So glad you see something different in the photos now.
You are a good writer and a good and kind person.
Thank you.
total book jacket photo. 🙂 i’m glad you got some pictures you’re happy about!
Wil, it is so awesome to see you becoming more and more confident in yourself. The way you are able to pull me in with your writing is amazing, and the difference in the photos is huge. Seeing you calm and kind-eyed and at peace is such an awesome thing to view.
I’m glad you found peace. I’ve always hated having my pictures too. I remember having my senior year pictures taken during that time I felt really awkward.
I think you’re photo reflects where you’re at in your life which is at a point where you’re in control of your own narrative. While your childhood is not the typical, I think we can all relate to those moments when we were children and were trying to achieve goals given to us, whether it be a child actor, a student athlete, an academic etc, rather than those that we desired and didn’t feel like we had a voice. Yay to adulthood! Keep up the good work!
As a teach and a photographer I can honestly say that what the photographer did on that day wasn’t the right thing at all and I’m sorry.
Photographers should make their subjects feel comfortable in all regards and that one little incident didn’t start your journey getting your photos taken on the right foot.
Thank you for writing about this Wil. It’s a good reminder on not what to do with a new person you’re trying to photographer, but more specifically a child.
While I think the photos, current and past look good, I understand not enjoying having your photo taken. My low point was in a wedding guest group shot. It was a smallish wedding but still had about 50 of us in the shot. I angled for the back row and then ever so slightly tried to move my face behind the person in front of me. My reward, I got called out quite loudly to stop hiding behind the row in front of me. I wish I could tell you that I changed, that you should change, but the incident only caused me to become more sneaky and thus more successful in avoiding photos.So you be you, even if that you isn’t 100% happy 100% of the time.
Your new photos are fabulous and you look wonderful. I know you still struggle bc you’ve shared that with us. But your photos show an attractive man with depth…sensitivity balanced with strength.
Hi Wil. We met at Salt Lake Comic Con last year and I got a professional picture taken with you (I was dressed up as Eleven, if that jogs your memory at all. If not, no worries; I know that you met a million fans that day). I know that it hasn’t even been six months since Salt Lake Comic Con, but I still proudly and happily look at that picture everyday. I have it framed and displayed where I see it daily. It’s my background picture on my phone. It’s my profile picture on Facebook. Needless to say, I am grateful to have this picture! And now that I know how you truly feel about getting your picture taken, it makes me appreciate my picture of you and me even more. Now that I know that you hate getting your picture taken, I appreciate that you took time of your schedule to get a million pictures taken (believe me, I saw how long the line was that day for people to get their pictures taken with you) at Salt Lake Comic Con. So, thanks for doing something that you don’t like for the benefit of your fans!
Your story about the photographer that you met when you were little made me sad! I would be mad, too, if he took a bite out of my breakfast!
And these new pictures of you look really nice! I’m glad that you like them, too!
Thanks for sharing! I would hate to have my egg mcmuffin taken away as an adult, I can’t imagine how difficult it must have been as a child. Great new pictures though! And I hope that you are enjoying the work that you do these days for I am happily surprised when I see you in a show that I didn’t realize that you were in. Like Dark Matter! I recently started watching it (part way through season 3) and I love your character! Hope he comes back in.
I love your new photo! Looks like it belongs in a book jacket!
I see the look of someone who is wise beyond their years!
I hate having my picture taken – the last time was when I had slightly overindulged with friends. Sober? Oh hells no.
I was a very awkward teenage girl at the same time, Wil – I’m a couple of years younger than you. However, I did think you were really nerdy cute. I know the concept wasn’t really a thing yet but it was in my head. Whatever you saw that you hated wasn’t seen by everybody. I know that doesn’t change your lived experience and feelings, but I remember buying a few of those magazines. 🙂 Do they still exist? I bet not.
You look very handsome, but I just think you’re such a real “down to earth” type of person. You have the well rounded look of a person who has “been there, done that” and learned.
Breakfast Club made me angry, so angry and hurt and very few of my friends understood why. You see, I was the nerd, the brain, the one who got stuck – even at the end of the movie – with nothing changing. I did the report for everyone, made no real friends from the experience, and graduated top of my class. Yes, went on to college, where I fried and ended up in a worse place than the people I “left behind.” There’s always something.
I do realize being a child actor is worse than most childhoods because so few make it through the experience whole. But, there’s always something, depression, abusive parents, extreme poverty, something that you experience through the eyes of a child that determines how you’re going to deal with life, something that you have to overcome to keep going. To be honest, making it through childhood whole is not a common thing in the general population, either.
My big thing was not forgiving myself for the very human mistakes I made when I was young. But, when I realized I was a kid, only human, AND that I would forgive a child of mine who did those things, it turned everything around for me. I stopped blaming myself or anyone else for slights. I forgave myself for being human, and I forgave those other kids from the Breakfast Club – because they were also only human. That led to forgiving my parents, and all sorts of other forgiveness which, honestly, shouldn’t have been such a big deal to me except that, when I was a child, I didn’t know how to deal with all that stuff, and this was how I learned.
Life is pain. Life is also learning and growing and changing. You’ve dealt with serious pain – we can see it in your eyes – and have done the learning, growing, and changing – we can see that in your words. You deserve a pat on the back for a job well done. Rank achieved. Next challenge probably already here.
Thank you, Wil! I admire and truly appreciate your hard won ability for self-reflection. It is inspirational to me.
Random story from the past: sometime in the early 1990s in Edmonton there was a gathering at the mall, perhaps having to do with literacy? I was shopping in a book store by the ice palace and after finding a Timothy Zahn Star Wars novel, I stood myself in line. Suddenly, I heard the strangest thing – a voice that decidedly did not belong in a random book store because it was a voice that belonged on television. Then, in front of me not more than 2 feet away, turned around none other than Wil Wheaton talking to his mom who was standing off to the side. As one does when suddenly in the presence of somebody famous, I promptly stood completely motionless, jaw gaping open, having absolutely no idea what to do or say. Wil continued on, asking the clerk if a certain book was in stock, and then made his way on to whatever stop was next (I think he was the speaker at the literacy event).
The encompassing thought in my mind from the experience (aside from “crap, I’m holding a Star Wars book… how the hell do I exchange it for a Star Trek novel right now without anybody noticing?!”), was “geez lord thunder he is the most gorgeous human being I have ever seen in my life.” Stunning features, perfect symmetry, flawless skin, hair so perfect it seemed unreal, great smile. I tossed around in my mind how someone that looked darn good on TV actually looked THAT good in real life. I adopted the belief that television must just be the most extraordinary collection of utter hotness in the history of mankind. I had evidence named Wil.
Good pictures, old and new. It’s sad that they don’t always trigger warm feelings for you. I’m just throwing up an alternate perspective: hot damn! You’re still kinda sizzling ☺
I’m really glad you posted this. I am very uncomfortable with myself physically and have a really hard time with pictures. I feel bad about this, because I know my friends and family would like to have more pictures of me, but I too hate my teeth and sometimes loathe my big full eastern european cheeks and stuff…and I really find myself extremely unphotogenic. I can understand what you were going through and relate. I’m trying really hard to get better with it, especially before I get married, cuz I know I’m going to want to get photos of that, but even posting a quick selfie the other day was a real push (and selfies are yearly, not daily, for me.)
I really like how honest you are about how you feel and what you’ve been through. It’s helpful to all of us out here reading.
I really like the one of you in the grass… it’s a very cool shot.
I can see how sad you are, and were. and I just want to give past you a hug and hopefully reassuring words, and i wish i could give present you a hug because of how you speak out about mental health, and how it’s helped me. You’re a cool guy, thank you for being you.
(obviously the hugs would be consentual)
King of Sharks, In my teens I did some modeling. I posed on a cover for a Milwaukee Public Schools calendar. I also wore a red and black wool woven Navajo dress for a Native American fashion show at Indian Summer Festival in Milwaukee Wisconsin the World’s Largest Native American Festival. I was 5’10” and 160 lbs but whenever I looked in the mirror I saw an awkward overweight nerd. I was first hospitalized when I was 16 years old. I was mostly depressed later at 23 I would be diagnosed with PTSD and Bipolar Disorder. I have been hospitalized 20 times. Mental health recovery has dominated most of my life. Whenever I hear you talk about your journey with depression I draw closer to you. Your recovery story is inspirational and I see you as a role model as an Artist. I draw comfort that you come to the place of enjoying your recent photo shoot. Much love to you!
Your new photos look great. 🙂
To my mind and memory, the thing that made you stand out as a child actor WAS that your eyes always looked intensely sad. You broadcasted vulnerability.
It stinks that this was why Hollywood slurped up your childhood like it was their soda pop to consume, but I can see what the draw was — they’re desperate for actors who can effectively communicate subtext, and your eyes did.
You look great in your new pics! I loved your post. I was not a child star but i did feel like I had to act while growing up to fit how adults thought I should be. I don’t often like to see pics of myself growing up. I see a sad awkward kid in my pics too.
Your Rush quote and writing made me think of another line from Rush…
“Living in a fish eye lens
Caught in the camera eye
I have no heart to lie
I can’t pretend a stranger
Is a long-awaited friend
All the world’s indeed a stage
And we are merely players
Performers and portrayers
Each another’s audience
Outside the gilded cage
Living in the limelight
The universal dream
For those who wish to seem
Those who wish to be
Must put aside the alienation
Get on with the fascination
The real relation
The underlying theme”
I recently discovered your blog and read your book, and I am blown away with so much respect for how you just put yourself out there for the world to see.
Don’t be so hard on yourself. I think most people dislike a lot of their childhood photos because it’s easy, as an adult, to look back and be able to articulate the insecurities we all had. I cringe when I see my photos from certain time periods. You are not the kid you were in those photos anymore.
I’m a dentist, and your smile has never stood out to me as being ugly. If it really bothers you that much, that’s one of the easiest things in the world to fix.
p.s. Your short story in the Star Wars collection was kind of a d!*@ move. My kids & I were listening to the audiobook in the car on the way to school & looking forward to the awesome back story of the guy with the radar gun. Instead we were reduced to tears. Not cool.
What really struck me in this is that your face is truthful. That is really quite wonderful. It’s a godawful hard thing to grow up with, and it sounds like it was an even harder thing for you because of your profession. And yet… truthful faces are beautiful — like yours is in the image at the top of this page Not pretty, not perfect, but soul-deep beautiful.
You’re a good man, Wil. Suffering may or may not build character, but your empathy muscles could open walnuts unaided. I am so glad you have pulled one more weed out of your heart ground. Now plant something you would like to grow there instead.