I needed new headshots and publicity shots, so I asked my friend, Kaelen, to come over to Castle Wheaton and help me out. We took a few dozen pictures in a few different locations, and I’m super happy with what we got. Here’s one of them:
When we finished shooting for the day, I had a realization that probably means more to me than it will to anyone else, but since that’s never stopped me from writing about something before…
I hate having my picture taken. I feel like I have ugly teeth, my forehead is too big, and my eyes always reveal how deeply sad I am inside. If you wonder why I’m usually pulling a face in pictures, now you know why. It’s like my armor, I guess.
This started early one morning when I was seven or eight years-old. I had to have headshots taken for commercial casting agents, and my mom took me out of school one day to meet with a photographer she knew. I remember feeling like I was getting a free day off, because I didn’t have to go to school (I don’t know why we didn’t do this on a weekend. Or maybe we did and I don’t remember that part of the day correctly. It’s not the important part, which I’m getting to, anyway). On the way to wherever we were going, my mom drove us through a McDonald’s, and let me get an Egg McMuffin. This was a big deal for me, because my parents never got us fast food. So I remember getting that, a greasy hashbrown, and that concentrated orange juice that came in the plastic cup with a foil seal. I wasn’t allowed to eat in the car, so I kept my bag of fancy McDonald’s breakfast in my lap until we got to the park and met the photographer.
He made me uncomfortable right away. He was just too wound up, too excited, had way too much energy. I was so little, I didn’t know how to vocalize any of these feelings, and my parents were very much into me and my sister following rules, so I just behaved myself and sat down at a picnic table to eat. I can see and feel it now: it’s cool and a little damp, probably late Spring. The picnic table is made of wood, and someone has scratched their initials into the bench. I have carefully stabbed the straw through the foil top of my orange juice, and my hash brown is still in its little cardboard holder, sitting on the carefully unfolded bag that I’m using as a placemat. I have my Egg McMuffin in my hand, ready to eat it. The photographer grabs it out of my hand, takes a bite, spits the food out on the grass, and hands it back to me. “Okay!” He says, with terrifying enthusiasm, “act like you just took a big bite of this and you love it!” He begins taking photos.
I don’t remember anything else with any clarity. It was almost forty years ago, but I can still feel — right now I feel — how upset that made me. One of my overwhelming memories from being a kid actor is that I didn’t have a voice in my own life, and that I had to do what the adults around me wanted me to do. That guy, who I’m positive didn’t mean anything cruel and was just excited to get to work, snatching my breakfast away from me and turning it into a prop for a photo shoot I didn’t even want to be part of, perfectly encapsulated everything I ever felt about being a kid actor. For the next few hours, I had to pose like an idiot, doing exaggerated expressions and changing my clothes a dozen times, because that’s how it worked in the late 70s.
Flash forward about four or five years. (My god I can’t believe it was only four or five years later, but that’s how fast the childhood that was stolen from me went by.) I’m in a studio with the other kids from Stand By Me. We’re posing for some publicity shots that will eventually make their way into teen magazines. I feel so awkward and uncomfortable. I am not cool like River, I am not famous like Corey, and I am not funny like Jerry. I am just sad and weird and self conscious and I want to be anywhere else.
Flash forward another year or so. I’m trying to figure out who I am and what I’m doing in my life. I’m at some party at Paramount, where I work every day on TNG. I’m only fourteen or maybe fifteen. There are no other kids my age there, and I feel sad and weird. I can’t relate to kids my own age because I never get to be around them, and I can’t relate to the adults I am always around, because I am a kid. I’m trying to figure out what I’m going to do at this party where nobody is paying attention to me, when a photographer comes up and takes my picture. He doesn’t ask, he doesn’t give me a chance to get ready. He just calls my name and when I look up, he takes this shot, which of course goes into a teen magazine:
Maybe you don’t see it, but I can see how sad I am, even though I’m trying to do this smile thing I’ve settled upon where I don’t show my ugly teeth that I hate.
They say that the camera doesn’t lie, that the camera reveals what’s going on inside a person, and I think that’s accurate. In all these pictures of me from the 80s and 90s, you can see how weird and awkward I am, and I can see how much I wanted to be anywhere else. Maybe I didn’t like pictures because they made me feel so vulnerable, since I was forced to just be me, instead of putting on the mask of a character I was playing. Maybe I just didn’t want to pose for pictures because it was yet another thing that normal kids didn’t do, and I wanted to be a normal kid (for values of “normal” that I didn’t really understand, but heavily romanticized. Thanks, John Hughes).
Anyway. This is all context that, like I said, probably doesn’t matter to anyone who isn’t me. It is context that matters to me because the photos we took are only the second time in my life that I have asked someone to take my picture, because I wanted it taken. I realized that when we were finishing up, and it made me feel happy.
I love the pictures that we got, and I love that I’m at a place in my life, finally, that has allowed me to feel a little more comfortable in the camera’s eye.
I am so sorry that coked up photographer took a bite out of your egg mcmuffin and spit it on the grass. I am surprised you didn’t burst into tears. I would have. I am sorry you didn’t have more friends your own age when you were younger, I know for sure you could have hung out with us and played D&D and then you would have been a little more comfortable in your skin. I am glad you are in a better place. I am glad your kids got you as a dad. I wish I could show you what you look like to us out here, instead of the funhouse mirror in your eye. That thing lies.
When I look into the mirror I see a pretty mid-thirty woman and I like what I see, crooked teeth, too big nose and all. However, as soon as I have my picture taken the pretty woman vanishes and is replaced with someone ALWAYS looking awkward, self-conscious and – let’s be honest – not even pretty. It’s why I avoided having my picture taken whenever possible. A few years back, a friend of mine died from cancer. She left three kids about the same age as my own and almost no pictures of herself. Since then, I say to hell with how I look on pictures – my kids won’t care.
I like your new pictures. The one where you’re sitting in the grass touched me especially because I do think the sadness in your eyes is almost palatable. When I was a kid I always wanted to be an actress or a singer (never mind which one, rich and famous would do) – reading about what that did to you makes me grateful it never happened.
When I read your post there were a thousand things I wanted to tell you but most of them would sound kind of weird, considering we don’t know each other (never even met you on a Con on something, ’cause travelling from Germany to the US would be quite a trip). Still, I very much admire how you are able to share your experiences and even more the way your writing touches me time and again.
Thank you.
I am so sorry – if I had been there that 1st photographer would have had a piece of my mind 🙁
Love seeing photos of you – there may be a little sadness there but for the most part, I see someone whom I admire and respect.
HUGS
You’re lovely, Wil. You do so much to help so many people. I appreciate that you’re willing to share the crummy parts of your life to help all of us grow a little. <3
Wil, they are great photos – I hate my photo being taken too. But I can’t even begin to comprehend how that whole environment that you were pushed into as a kid must have been. Not being able to relate to other kids your age, not having that voice to say what you wanted and the loneliness that came with it. But you’ve come through it and your stories and you blog give others strength. I know I’m thankful of that. You’re one of life’s good guys.
i think that you are a fabulous person. i know that it is difficult to accept how wonderful one is unless they love themselves as well. I have noticed through the years what sorrow you held in you. i hope that as you move through your remaining years you will be able to temper that sadness, and i hope the knowledge that your family, friends, and fans love you so much!
I LOVE LOVE LOVE the first photo. Anything I would write about it would just sound inarticulate.
Headshots are always super awkward and not fun to have taken, and yet so much is riding on them being the right kind of great. The breakfast sandwich story made me sad. Who does that to a kid? Though as you said, I am sure the photographer wasn’t intending to be mean. :-/
I always see your kindness in pictures of you. That also shows in your eyes.
I used to feel like I had huge ears. One day I finally grew into them.
I say we track down this photographer and settle his hash. WWDN style.
I will also casually remark that I am getting a Duran Duran “Hungry Like the Wolf” vibe with that Wheaton-in-the-weeds shot.
Except instead of hunting a sexy beast woman, you’re looking for your dropped Jabra.
Thanks for sharing that. I think many of us who had troubled childhoods can relate to looking at old pictures and seeing sadness or anxiety in our own younger eyes. But a photo only captures one moment. When I look at your teenage picture I see a young man who is going to grow up to be an accomplished writer, actor, husband, father, friend, and much more, even if he doesn’t know it yet.
I agree with the comment above. There’s sadness in the eyes, but there’s something else … thoughtfulness (in a double meaning).
Your eyes remind me a lot of my daughter’s. Sometimes I’ll ask her if something is going on because the light in her eyes has shifted; to which she usually responds, “Mom! That’s just my face!”
But there’s something more beyond sadness. In her. In you. And the world is better for it.
I can relate to this Wil.
I still, to this day, hide my teeth when I smile, for the exact same reason you’ve mentioned.
I also had my childhood stolen, not as a child actor, but through trauma. I have PTSD now from those experiences.
Clearly you have moved in mostly right directions. Like anyone, probably life seems like you’re always moving one step forward, and two steps back most of the time.
But artists are tasked with unlearning things in order to reach themselves and then share that experience so that others like you can have a context that teaches them they are ok and not alone. That’s the two steps back. More valuable than most people imagine these two steps back.
We share that endeavor it would seem.
Thank you again Wil for sharing your thoughts with us.
Are you willing to say if these feeling and thoughts ever became a conversation with your parents? If so, I hope that conversation helped you.
The new photos are indeed great, especially as you managed not to squint in the bright sunlight, which is one of the hardest things to do. The first one looks like you’re lying in wait to pounce on, hm, not quite sure what. Dinner?
I really like them both. The first shot reminds me of a lion in the jungle, so focused; but DAMN! that second shot is the one. You smile with your eyes.
Your Rush references did not go unnoticed! Love your stuff, man.
Couldn’t read the title without hearing it sung and remembering that the first time I heard the lyric, Lee’s accent made me think it was “The focus is shopping the city.” ans try to figure out what Peart meant by that…
Will, I was watching the Neil Gaiman documentary on TV two days ago, and when your bits were on i thought first how handsome you looked and then how happy you were to talk about him, which made me happy. So glad you were able to take these photos and like them too.
You look like a satisfied lion lounging in the sun. A whole antelope, probably.
I’m just so so sorry, we who consume media don’t realize that sometimes we are consuming the childhoods of those we admire. I related to, and loved the sadness in your eyes, but as a young girl I didn’t know it was your truth. I hope that you can forgive those of us who led people like those photographers to do what they did. Congratulations on the beautiful new pictures.
It’s intimidating when all the people around you seem so confident – and you’re not – and you feel like you’re the only one. Although it makes no sense to think that, I felt like I was the only one. Anyway, totally sympathize. And, nice that you’re getting your feet on the ground regarding presenting yourself in that way. It reminds me of a commercial for a photography Master Class by Annie Leibovitz where she talks of her style – and that she never tries to get someone to something, essentially, she encourages subjects to become themselves in front of the camera. You look very much your “self” in the new pic – although how you feel inside is only for you to say. Add up those successes, my dear, recall them when you can.
I have to be honest I am not sure what I noticed in photographs of you – but once upon a time in my tween brain – I related to you – or to who I thought you were – at any rate – your writing about it today kind of clears it up – I always felt on the fringe of things too – now I wonder if I didn’t actually recognize that.
Nothing to do with pictures (which i also don’t like to have taken, that’s why i’m never in family pictures since i’m taking them), but with your quote from Rush as your title, i was wondering how your drumming was coming.
Have always hated getting my picture taken. My cheeks and jaw are sharp enough to carve a ham with, and my teeth scream GROWN UP WORKING CLASS KID to anyone who can see me, which has always made me feel out of place in the white-collar world I work in and just in general. I’ve had people compliment me — some in very unmistakable terms — when I was in my 20s and 30s, and early 40s, but it never sank in. It only made me feel uncomfortable, or like they were trying to trick me into letting my guard down.
To this day, I smile when I’m alone and even then, not often.
Wil, this is the first time I have ever responded to a post you’ve placed for us to read. First a couple of things, I truly enjoy your blog, I can relate on more levels than anyone who is close to me realizes. I’m older than you are, truly closer to your parents age than yours. I am now retired and am now a photographer by trade (landscape photography). My wife always asks me why I don’t ever get my picture taken. Well, it’s for many of the reasons you listed in your post. The pictures you had taken as an adult, are truly wonderful pictures of you. You should be very proud of those shots. I’ve gone through a lot of awkward times in my life and my wife swears I suffer from depression. I have not followed up with my doctor on that because I don’t know if I do or don’t but I’m unsure if I want to find out. I wanted to thank you for sharing your story, I sincerely hope we get to see you on screen more as I think you’re a wonderful actor. Also, just an awesome writer. I look forward to your future posts… They brighten my day when you post something new, no matter what that is.
This one hits close. I can relate too easily.
I do have to say you were the star of Stand by Me. The heart of the film.
I always was a sucker for the quiet, brooding dude, with the crooked smile.
(I immediately regret writing that…I’m not the fan type…now I can’t stop talking)
My husband and I…the crooked marriage of crooked smiles…just made 30 years…
He thinks my quiet brooding is fine.
Hello Mr. Wheaton,
your childhood was stolen from you by your parents which are responsible that you never had the chance to really connect with people of your age in that time. I think you have spoken with them many times about this fact, or not ?
What an evocative piece. I felt a lot on your behalf (and it’s going to take me a minute to stop being angry after reading about The McMuffin Incident). You seemed like one of the cool kids to do many of us behind the screen. Maybe there’s another kind of John Hughes / Breakfast Club moment in talking about the truth of it.
And this is a piece every stage parent should be required to read.
Thank you for giving us so much of yourself. You’re helping a lot of folks by sharing your experience.
That’s a really good picture of you and I really hope one of them is for the author photo in your novel that is secretly getting closer to being published.
Nice story Wil. I liked it a lot!
/ Johan
It’s funny how perception works. You see an awkward kid, and I see a kid who is as awkward as makes sense at that age. And such a cutie! I can’t imagine having my inner life thrown onto a magazine cover. For what it’s worth, I think the magazine editors must have seen something relatable to kids your age, and chose you to represent it. Am I crazy for thinking it’s the vulnerability that they all feel? It’s so very human. All the best to you, Wil. Thank you for being real when we’re all being gaslit daily. I can’t explain how it helps, but it does.
Oh my goodness, WHO TAKES A CHILD’S EGG MCMUFFIN?!?!
Hi Wil, love your pictures. When I saw the first one with you gazing through the grass my first thought was “that is what Wil would look like if he was starring in the new Annihilation movie!”. Maybe you can get cast in the sequel (Authority) if they make one. You’d make an awesome John Rodriguez, a.k.a. Control
Hey, Wil, We are of a type. Love you, and keep on keeping on.
Seriously, we support our mindset,
the betterment of humankind,
thank you for your work,
and see you on the other side.
Dude, that top picture is totally the album cover for the super serious solo album that you just released. Yup.
I love these pictures, and I can definitely see just how sad and scared you were in that teenaged picture. I’m sure that resonated with a lot of kids who may have seen that though and knew what that look meant, if it’s any consolation. Just as many normal kids out there who felt just as “I don’t want to be here right now” as you felt then, just going to school or being with awful families and the like. If that helps, I dunno, probably doesn’t.
I wish you’d write like this more. You spend so much time on Twitter and everything getting depressed by what is happening in the world – I wish you’d share your feelings and memories and life on the blog like you used to, maybe to help churn through it all, maybe to start a better dialog with fans and not just randos on the internet, I dunno. I just love reading your blog when you post it.
OMG – that picture of you leaning on the tree is such an author photo! I’m not sure what it says that my brain went there, and not actor headshot. Maybe that I love reading your stuff?
I dislike having my picture taken too. Now it’s because of my weight, before it was… whatever the insecurity of the moment was. I know I need to though. Of the 300+ pictures taken by me and the other Leader at our Girl Guide camp, I was in about 6. She was in about 10. Both our daughters were there, and only have one picture each of us with just our daughter(s). Sometimes I feel like I just need to get over it. Remembering the moments you have is better than waiting until you look perfect & can take the perfect picture. But that’s different than headshots.
I admire the rawness & vulnerability in your blog. Refreshing because it is authentic and not some assistant-generated commercial, but also because the way it permits the reader into your real inner sanctum. I won’t insult your intelligence by commenting on anything other than what your writing does for me……but then I’d have to charge $4.95 a minute. =) =) =) Cheers!
Wishing You Well in Your Wil Wheaton World,
J.E.
You’re a good man, Mr. Wheaton, and you mean a lot more to many of us than you’ll ever know.
The new photos you posted are great. You look really good and they seem to reflect someone who has grown into themselves.
I was just thinking about a similar thing yesterday regarding wanting to have my picture taken with you in Calgary in 2 months but I HATE having my picture taken because I always end up looking like I have no chin or goofy teeth or a large forehead but they announced you were coming yesterday and I am determined to suck it up in order to have a picture with you.
PS. I didn’t have posters of Corey or River or Jerry on my walls…you were the only one I ripped out of Tiger Beat, probably because the shy, sad, awkward kid in me saw a kindred sprit in you.
Just wow, my prayer for you is that this photo experience provided the distance and the reworking of your childhood memories; that you are looking back at that time from a well loved, well connected place of self acceptance & self love. I cannot imagine how strange it must have felt for you as a child, feeling disconnected & isolated and yet having ‘the public’ and others fawn over you. Thank you for sharing such a powerful glimpse into your inner workings. btw – love the photos ~ they are rich
WIl, I’m confused reading through your Twitter page. Are you an entertainer, or an activist? Never understood why the least educated among us feel the need to pontificate the most. Do the dance, read the thing but please don’t mistake that for license to tell us what to do.
I’m getting real tired of your shit.
Hehehehehe. Well said, young man. 🙂
Or you could stop following Wil on twitter ans reading his blog or will that prevent you from trying to tear him down in order to make yourself feel big?
Great idea, Fabe!
Why does anyone have to be one thing? He can be an entertainer and activist and whatever the hell he wants.
Maybe that’s why you were my favorite character on TNG when I was a kid, bc I also felt awkward. And now that I’m letting my son watch TNG, you’re his favorite too.
Before you shout her down, know there IS truth in what she is expressing. Uncomfortable, maybe,but TRUTH just the same. Folks out here pay lots of $$$$$$$$$ to glean the insight she just gave away for FREE! If you really gave a crap about Wil Wheaton, you’d know that. <3, J.E.
Truth?!! Insight?! Are you nuts? Pontificating is exactly what SHE was doing, and if she doesn’t like the blog, she should read something else. And maybe I’m missing something here, but I have no idea what the heck she’s talking about. Wil’s not telling anyone what to do, and even if he was, this is a blog – a place for personal expression. And what’s more, she needs to stop pretending that taking classes is the same as having wisdom, which she obviously doesn’t.
The two photos you’ve shared with us here are Ah-MAZE-ing, Wil. You look so “at ease”, and that’s one of the hardest things to do, IMO, in “posed” photos. I hate posed photos, btw, of myself and of everyone else in the room. They are, to me, the visual equivalent of “canned laughter”. So horrid. The photographer never times it right for natural smiles, and everyone posing is just WAITING… HOLDING that smile… until it becomes utterly ridiculous. If it’s a company party, can’t we just capture the moments where we are ACTUALLY having a good time, rather than standing in rows saying “cheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee… eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee(whenthehellishegoingtosnapthedamnthing?)eeeeeeeee… eeeese”? Almost the same deal with headshots, although somehow not quite as painful, if you can find some ease or chemistry with the photographer.
Ennyhoo. I’m glad you’re finally at a point in your life where you can feel good about the pics that are taken of you. (I don’t see the sadness in your teen pic, but it’s possible I refuse to look for it). Love your (new?) glasses!
I had a different kind of rough adolescence, and I really enjoy what you share. I think it shows how resilient a good person can be to take that and make a lot of good out of it.
Also, you look like Riker’s unexpected long lost son in that photo. That’d be a helluvan episode.
You should be happy with that photo Kaelen took of you! I think it may be the best photo of the adult Wil I’ve ever seen.
Hi Wil! I joined specifically to comment on this blog, and notably this post, so I am hoping this reaches you. I’ve been binge watching your Tabletop series on YouTube for the past month or so with the free time I have on my lunch breaks at work, and from the first episode I watched I was captivated by your vibrant enthusiasm for not only the games you play, but the people you surround yourself with at the table, to make sure that everyone, not just those you are making the show for, have a spectacular time. Sometimes it’s difficult to tell whether the person at the table is recording because it’s a job, or because it actually makes them happy. It truly feels from watching TableTop how much passion you have for this, and it’s what makes the show more entertaining than the game itself. In a single week I was convinced to purchase Fury of Dracula, Tokaido, Takenoko, and Welcome To The Dungeon because of your show.
That aside, reading this most recent blog post is disheartening to learn that underneath you carry that sort of weight with you. I can’t claim to say that I’m your “biggest fan” or anything, since until I saw this photo of you I didn’t actually know that you wore glasses, but as of today, at 30 years old, I have to come to terms with needing them myself. That stands to drastically alter my appearance and self image, one that took until my mid twenties to become comfortable with. I now feel as though I am doing it all over again, so perhaps some of what you wrote in this post regarding your appearance resonated with me. That photo above, where you stated how sad you recall yourself being as a kid, that was very much my “go-to” look in photos as well, awkwardly smile, show no teeth, appear to look as casual as possible while underneath all you wanted for was the moment to pass. As a child actor, I imagine that was exponentially more troublesome, but it helps to know that you weren’t the only one staring strangely into a camera lens, hoping for the moment to end.
At the end of the day, you’ve become a fantastic presence to follow, both on TableTop and in other venues. The folks who truly matter, that are truly important, won’t be the whispers of the trolls from the YouTube comments section, or the Twitter Warriors spouting off, or even the folks who purposefully sign up to your blog to heckle you, but the friends and family you surround yourself with. Those folks won’t notice the forehead you think is too big, or the teeth you don’t care to show in pictures, because it’s just not in their mindset. That’s something to really keep in mind I think. There aren’t many famous faces in the world I would hope to someday sit down and chat with, but Wil, you are among them. Keep well man.
James
Voice actors unite! 😉
Hi Wil , great story I really enjoy how you get the reader (myself) thinking about my past, my awkward moments as a child. On a different note what is going on with radio free burrito? I know its quite a silly demand but its a great podcast a nice one on one. I find myself listening to older episodes over again just to past time until the next episode.
Best regards,
your fan John.