this is a post about sweaters (no, not those sweaters)

It’s been a strange couple of weeks, here in Castle Wheaton. Anne was gone for six days, came home for literally twenty-two minutes and left again for another day. When she got home, we saw each other for about an hour, and then I had to go to sleep early to wake up early to fly across the country for two days. When I got back, she had to leave again for Piggy and Pug promotion, and it wasn’t until last night that we finally had an opportunity to make dinner together and catch up on all the stuff we did while we were gone.

“I have been feeling this strong compulsion to clean stuff up,” I told her while we were finishing dinner. “I wonder if it’s some kind of Spring Cleaning impulse that I’ve never noticed before.”

“More like never had before,” she reminded me.

“Okay, that’s fair,” I said.

We ate the empanadas we’d made. They were better than I expected.

“Hey, speaking of that,” she said, “will you come into our bedroom with me for a minute?”

Heckyeahsexytimesdottumblrdotcom I thought. “Sure,” I said.

I have this big pile of sweaters and hoodies at the foot of our bed. I keep meaning to put them away, but my closet is a shitshow and the shelves are a disaster. I have a box on the top shelf where most of my sweaters and scarves live when we aren’t having our three to five weeks of winter in Los Angeles. It is currently … not optimal.

“What’s going on with …” she indicated with her hand, sort of twirling it around like Vanna White, but with a little more distaste, “… this … stuff. Here.”

“Oh, those are all my dumb sweaters. I already put a bunch of them away, and I just need to find some room in the closet to put the rest of them away.”

“Isn’t that what your box is for?”

“Yes, but it’s already full. I must have added sweaters to my life this winter, and now I’m past the critical mass for sweaters.” I shrugged. “But don’t worry, I’m going to put them away tomorrow. I just need to clean up that shelf and get it more organized.”

“You’re going to put them in the bin that’s already full?”

“No, I’m going to put them in the spot next to the box, which is currently a jumble of kilts and horsemasks.”

She looked at me with a mixture of amusement and disbelief.

“…a jumble … of …” she was unable to finish the thought.

“This is who you married,” I said. “You did this on purpose.”

 

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43 thoughts on “this is a post about sweaters (no, not those sweaters)”

  4. I had a very long day today which started with me forgetting to take my antidepressant and my stupid Celebrex because my son (who is 14 and really ought to know better but..sigh AUTISM) was having a total meltdown over having lost his rose gold earbuds.

    They’re not even EXPENSIVE ear buds. They were like $5 on sale at Big Lots or something.

    Then I had to drag myself to work (which I didn’t want to do) and by the time I got home (around 2:30 this afternoon) I was so sore and exhausted that I could barely function. I somehow managed to find his ear buds (they were tangled in his bedsheets where I TOLD him to look and he said he looked but he looked how teenagers look, which is not at all) and make dinner (Kraft Macaroni and Cheese for the win) which I’m too exhausted to eat. I opened my email and found a notification. WIL WHEATON WROTE SOMETHING! YOU MUST GO READ IT RIGHT NOW! So I did.

    And you made me smile, which made this shitty shitty day a little bit better. Thanks Wil.

  5. Oh, that’s funny! But true-my sister and I have a sofa disguised as a coat rack right now because the mornings in Arcadia are cold, and the afternoons range between “shorts weather” to “I don’t want to show my arms in a tank top”.

  6. “This is who you married,” !!! This is so my husband! Good luck with the sweaters Wil. With me it’s coats – fleece, denim, insulated, rain…but I live in Seattle. Even when it’s 80 out (hey, it gets that hot here!) I still want a light coverup for the office AC and when the sun goes down.

  7. Actually snorted in laughter a bit. 😀 So typical of my husband and I who, yes, did it all on purpose. Georgia went from freezing to mid to upper 80’s and 90’s in the course of a couple of weeks. It’s time for the annual “Harsh Wardrobe Judgement Culling”. Ah, what fun.

  10. I’m not gonna lie – I say something along the lines of “You knew what you were getting into” in regards to my peccadilloes to my husband at least once a week. 🙂

  11. Ya’ll are #RelationshipGoals snickers as she imagines the exact face Anne made at the mention of kilts and horsemasks

  12. Loved the season closer of the Big Bang Theory. Should have ended with you and Mark Hamill having a sordid punch-up over who should preside at weddings! Although, Kripke singing At Wast was pretty good!

  13. Me, again. My husband of 47 years told me long ago that: 1) Your best defence is a good offense. 2) If there is a problem, ignore it long enough and it will go away, or, someone else will take care of it. Sadly for me, he was absolutely right as I folded and put away his sweaters, undies, and anything else untidy around the house as it bugged the hell out of me to leave it in a mess! Along with times when he said the Work Mate bench in the garage just wasn’t the same since he backed over it with the station wagon! The same man who, when playing Trivial Pursuit, said that Batman carried his tools in his Bat Bag! I almost wet myself laughing over that one! Sadly, he is now quite ill and our time together is limited. Were he well and I would happily fold his sweaters for him.

  16. Goddamn son. I am going to use “This is …. On purpose.” in my marriage. Awesome sauce.

  18. Funny stuff! “You did this on purpose” reminds me of the movie, “A Christmas Story” when the Dad’s leg lamp breaks and he tells his wife she “used up all the glue on purpose.”

  20. I’ve never been married, but I can so relate, given the constantly expanding and shrinking pile of clean clothes in a corner of my bedroom. I hate folding clothes, thanks to a retail job I had once. That’s my excuse and I’m sticking to it!

    @Kathy – you work in an ICU? Massive respect heading your way from an internet stranger.

  21. Darn it, I thought this was going to be about hockey sweaters. 🏒🥅🚨

    But I’m definitely going to use “at least it’s not a jumble of kilts and horsemasks…” Thanks !

  22. A Jumble of Kilts and Horsemasks is the name of my Nirvana cover band.

    (Stolen from Twitter)

  23. I must use that line “this is who you married!” Thank you, but it won’t work if I credit you when I use it, she’ll smell a rat. 😻

  24. “You knew you were going to marry a strange and disturbing person, darling.” is one of the trademark sentences of our marriage 😉 (both of us use it on a regular basis)
    Funny enough, I just stood in front of the mess that disguised itself as my closet yesterday and swore to do some spring cleaning very soon. Perhaps it will be more fun now, thinking of kilts and horsemasks 🙂

  31. Wil,

    I advise you to remind her that you ASKED her to marry you.
    You didn’t TELL her to marry you.
    Sorry, but everything that’s she’s allowed to happen since is solely her responsibility.

    That’s what I tell me wife.
    And then I duck.

    -RAR

  33. Hee! My version: “You knew the job was dangerous when you took it, Fred.” Which clearly makes me #ofacertainage but at least I can say I remember it from syndication, not first run 🙂

  34. I haven’t worn a sweater ever since I moved back down to LA in ‘02. They’re neatly stacked in nice boxes on my closet shelf too. We’ll probably have a reunion when hell freezes over.

  36. Oh, Anne. This is my husband too. Solidarity, sister. (Wil, all I can really muster is sighing heavily, like I do to David. 😂)

  37. I didn’t think it was possible to like you even more. xD You know exactly what is where and why it’s not where it’s supposed to be. I totally get it. Organized chaos, fuck yeah!

  38. I have a lot of sweaters, too. But, I live in Minnesota, so it gets unbearably cold here. Maybe, you need one of those vacuum bags for your sweaters. You put stuff in vacuumed sealed bags, use the vacuum to suck the air out, and it makes the stuff flat and collapsed. The vacuum bags help ‘free’ up space, so stuff isn’t all willy-nilly. It also doesn’t cause wrinkles, which is bizarre.

  39. LOL! I’m going to say this to my hubby next time one of my eccentricities weirds him out. 😀 I’m glad you have your anxiety under control now, Wil. Anxiety is the pits. <3

    Ps. Still enjoying Tabletop. We’re collecting cooperative games to use for our volunteer fire brigade to help them bond and team-build in a fun way over the off-season, so who else do we come back to but Wil and Tabletop to decide which ones? 🙂

  42. Love the way you write and sense of humour. It’s brilliant. I also adore your honesty. I too suffer from anxiety and panic attacks, which have been worse lately. It must be a universal thing that happening now, I’m seeing so many people suffering from it on top of the latest suicides. There is so much fear, virtually everywhere we look. That’s why I don’t watch the news anymore, I’m far too sensitive to the negative energy.

    Thanks again for posting your humble thoughts. You are helping so many of us by reminding us that we are not alone.

    cheers,
    Jenn

  43. It’s hard because you need separate bins to sort geeky sweaters, versus fancy sweaters, versus shirts you really should throw out but you say that you will just wear for bed and then don’t.. and then cosplay outfits.. Maybe you need to upgrade from a box, to a nice cedar chest!

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