I wrote this yesterday on my tumblr thing. I’m sharing it here for anyone who struggles with the same things I do.
I’m having a bad day. It happens. So I take my own advice for people who are having a bad day, and I get out of my house. I go for a walk. I work hard to push negative and hurtful thoughts out of my head, and I replace them with positive things. It’s little observations at first, like the trees are starting to drop their leaves, a dog has a cute beard, this person’s Halloween graveyard has tons of great puns in it.
I take this positive voice that’s enjoying things in the neighborhood, and I use it to talk to myself. I remind myself that my experience is valid, even if random strangers who know nothing about my experience tell me that it doesn’t, on account of my privilege and success. I remind myself that this terrible way I feel isn’t forever. I remind myself that my wife and children love me. I remind myself to make an appointment with my therapist.
I’ve walked a couple of miles by the time I get back to my street, and when I’m a few houses away from mine, I feel better. I still don’t feel good, but I’ve moved my day from a 1 to a 2 on my 5 point scale. It isn’t the 4 I am hoping to achieve, but it’s better, and just moving from 1 to 2 is enough.
I am enough. I am enough for my wife and my kids and my dogs, and I’m learning to be enough for myself. I’m learning to let go – trying to let go – of the pain I feel whenever I’m reminded that I’m not enough for at least one person who was until very recently in my life, because it’s not my fault.
One of my neighbors comes out of her house and tells me that her daughter’s English teacher is a fan of my writing, and when he mentioned it to her class, she told him that we’re neighbors. He was excited by that, and asked her to ask me if I’d come into the class to talk to them about writing and being a writer.
I tell her that I’d love to do it. I don’t tell her how humbling and overwhelming it is to feel wanted by someone because I’ve done things that matter. I hope she doesn’t see me squeeze the tears back into the corners of my eyes.
Her daughter comes outside, and we talk about me coming to her class to talk about writing and being a writer. She tells me how much her teacher loves me (those are her exact words) and I feel so lucky and grateful to have done something that somebody cares about, something that a teacher feels makes me worthy of speaking to a class of 11th graders.
So I give them my email address, and we resolve to coordinate with her teacher next week. I’ll probably go speak to her class sometime in December.
By the time I’m done talking with them, I have moved from a 2 to a 3 on my 5 point scale, and that’s a HUGE improvement over the 1 I was feeling when I walked down my driveway.
So I’m sharing this good news that I hope inspires and comforts anyone else who is having a bad day. It’s possible, through loving ourselves and allowing the kindness of others to get past our defenses, to turn a day that’s awful into a day that’s okay, and it can happen really quickly.
I’m glad I took my own advice, and I’m grateful that I have an opportunity to share it with all of you who are reading this.
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Thanks for posting this. I’ve had a lot of 1 days lately. I have a therapist and I’m working on it and this was a lovely post to read. I’ve read it multiple times in the past couple weeks and it makes me feel less alone. Your words do help people. 🙂
Thank you for these words. Thank you for being willing to share this piece of yourself. I want you to know that this piece really helped me and I related to this a lot. Cheers mate. Love ourselves, be gentle with ourselves. Taking a walk sometimes really helps me too.
You are enough. I am enough. I’ve been studying buddhism and taoism and that has been really helpful for me in framing this idea central in my mind and soul: I am enough.
Happy holidays love to you and your family:-)
Just read this and I know it was a month ago, but dude…this was so important for me to read this week. God, you have no idea how important it was for me to read this today. You write things that I care about. You write things that help me be me. Thank you. I’m going for a walk.
Thank you Wil for sharing your bad days. I am having a bad week right at this moment. It feels exactly like how you have described it. Like I’m walking through a swimming pool just to accomplish simple everyday things. It just sucks. I really needed to read this today. I’m resisting the temptation to take the Xanax to get through this. uggh..
I have struggled with GAD for over 30 years and have seen so many videos and articles on how to “get over it” and not struggle with it anymore. I see those and secretly get jealous of those people and down on myself for not being “over it” still. I am struggling and it is encouraging to hear that it is an ongoing struggle for you and others too even with medication and therapy.
I hope we all can be over and done with it one day but until then or even if it doesn’t end up that way, I still very much appreciate it when you share about your struggles. In my everyday life, I feel like I’m the only one who feels this way. My best friend can help talk me through it but she can’t fully understand it because she doesn’t have it.
Thanks again Wil..
You are making a huge difference in lives like mine.
I’m sitting here watching the star trek episode where Wesley crusher has to save his mom from a space time bubble. And I am wondering who you are now. I find your blog and read this post. It really made a difference because I have been dealing with severe depression. This made me feel better. I am a writer as well. Thank you.
I am new to your site. I have always looked up to wesley crusher on star trek, he inspired me to be the man I am today. But after reading just a few of your posts, and now knowing what you are going through, i am so very inspired by you. I have been going through depression for a while now, and have kept it mostly to myself. (I’m crying while i type this) I have thought about getting help, but i always back out at the last minute. After seeing you on the cruise, and reading your blog, i have decided to get some help. I can’t tell you how much you have changed my life. First as wesley crusher, and now as wil Wheaton. I am so glad you came on the cruise. If not, i may have never really tried to get help.