I wrote this yesterday on my tumblr thing. I’m sharing it here for anyone who struggles with the same things I do.
I’m having a bad day. It happens. So I take my own advice for people who are having a bad day, and I get out of my house. I go for a walk. I work hard to push negative and hurtful thoughts out of my head, and I replace them with positive things. It’s little observations at first, like the trees are starting to drop their leaves, a dog has a cute beard, this person’s Halloween graveyard has tons of great puns in it.
I take this positive voice that’s enjoying things in the neighborhood, and I use it to talk to myself. I remind myself that my experience is valid, even if random strangers who know nothing about my experience tell me that it doesn’t, on account of my privilege and success. I remind myself that this terrible way I feel isn’t forever. I remind myself that my wife and children love me. I remind myself to make an appointment with my therapist.
I’ve walked a couple of miles by the time I get back to my street, and when I’m a few houses away from mine, I feel better. I still don’t feel good, but I’ve moved my day from a 1 to a 2 on my 5 point scale. It isn’t the 4 I am hoping to achieve, but it’s better, and just moving from 1 to 2 is enough.
I am enough. I am enough for my wife and my kids and my dogs, and I’m learning to be enough for myself. I’m learning to let go – trying to let go – of the pain I feel whenever I’m reminded that I’m not enough for at least one person who was until very recently in my life, because it’s not my fault.
One of my neighbors comes out of her house and tells me that her daughter’s English teacher is a fan of my writing, and when he mentioned it to her class, she told him that we’re neighbors. He was excited by that, and asked her to ask me if I’d come into the class to talk to them about writing and being a writer.
I tell her that I’d love to do it. I don’t tell her how humbling and overwhelming it is to feel wanted by someone because I’ve done things that matter. I hope she doesn’t see me squeeze the tears back into the corners of my eyes.
Her daughter comes outside, and we talk about me coming to her class to talk about writing and being a writer. She tells me how much her teacher loves me (those are her exact words) and I feel so lucky and grateful to have done something that somebody cares about, something that a teacher feels makes me worthy of speaking to a class of 11th graders.
So I give them my email address, and we resolve to coordinate with her teacher next week. I’ll probably go speak to her class sometime in December.
By the time I’m done talking with them, I have moved from a 2 to a 3 on my 5 point scale, and that’s a HUGE improvement over the 1 I was feeling when I walked down my driveway.
So I’m sharing this good news that I hope inspires and comforts anyone else who is having a bad day. It’s possible, through loving ourselves and allowing the kindness of others to get past our defenses, to turn a day that’s awful into a day that’s okay, and it can happen really quickly.
I’m glad I took my own advice, and I’m grateful that I have an opportunity to share it with all of you who are reading this.
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The image I used for this post is a mandala walking thing that Anne and I came across when we were in Hawaii a few years ago. It was a happy accident that I had it in my media library, and I feel happy about how it fits with this post.
Thank you Wil, for sharing your story and journey with us. Your work helps me to tackle my own troubles. Thank you.
Thank you as always for sharing your downs and your ups. One of my favorite quotes is “Shared pain is lessened. Shared joy is increased.” Spider Robinson.
Thank you for sharing, I’ll remember this the next time I’m having a really bad day. I totally get it.
Well done, Mr. Wheaton. I know it can seem like such a small thing but little incremental gains like that are how we better ourselves and our circumstances. Good for you.
Will, you are one of my favorites on tumblr. Also, I immediately buy any audiobook you narrate. Your voice acting is amazing. You are doing good with your sharing and caring. Hang in there, buddy.
I absolutely love the way you can express yourself and I know exactly how you feel….I can’t express myself without negative feedback from family…..thank you for allowing me to read what you write so that I don’t feel so alone……..and as for you being loved it have loved you from the time you played Wesley………and I have never felt that way about another actor……..FYI it’s only because I know what you go thru……I’m way too old for the hero worship thing….
Thanks so much for sharing your experiences, Will. It helps. ❤️
I’m glad you did, too. Thanks for sharing this
Wil, thank you. It’s always nice to have those “oh yeah, I feel great” days alongside those days when you don’t know which end is up.
When I saw the title, though, I couldn’t help but think of my own experience, as I recently came out as a mildly autistic gay man. The only way out really IS through, especially for me, finally finding acceptance within myself for who I am, and who I have become. It was difficult though, but since I have finally accepted myself for who I am, I have noticed that I am at least slightly happier on the whole. Yeah I still need to watch certain HGTV shows for therapeutic purposes, but I am finally at a place where I am happy on a more regular basis.
A good reminder! I’ve spent most of the week creating in my workroom. I need to make sure I get outside. 🙂
Thank you. For sharing your struggles, your voice, yourself. The world is better with you in it.
Good for you, Wil.
As a high-functioning Autistic, myself, I find that nearly any day in ANY GIVEN WEEK
can be a struggle due to high-anxiety. Not everyday is tough. But, some days
can be exceptionally difficult, if even something as trivial as a phone call
or negative email finds it’s way to me. Or, didn’t get enough sleep.. ad nauseum.
I discovered that for me, a walk to the corner and back in the morning and afternoon
helps to alleviate my anxiety. Getting away from the office and smelling
the grass really helps to dissolve the glass in my head.
Side note: before my Daughter was born, we lived in Montrose (early early 90’s)
and as I was getting gas one morning. I swear I saw you gassing up a Toyota 4-Runner. I didn’t
want to be a dick, so I left you in peace.
Cheers..
Dear Wil,
This one made me tear up. What you did was absolutely right!
I have this saying:
“Whenever something bother me,
There’s something more that i must see”
So you keep your eyes and your ears open, amazing things happen, and since you were alert, you saw and heard them.
So proud of your discoveries!
Much Love,
Cathy
I realize this may not work for everybody, but if I am feeling a little bit down I often find that the smell of delicious fried chicken bubbling in the pan often turns up my depression quite a few notches and a smile begins to form on my face. And after that first tasty bite, I forget the negative and I am just OK for the rest of the day! You all should try it some time.
Who knows what triggers the bad days. It could be external circumstances that prove too painful to consider and weigh heavy on your heart and mind (like this oh-so-important election). It could also be internal – shifts in your system or diet that has caused a change. Or it could be random…..which is not very comforting because there are no protections or preparedness for random. Whatever the cause, your ability to describe the experience in detail and with precise insight must be so helpful to countless people who also suffer and might have otherwise been unable to articulate what is happening or explain it to others. You, so kindly, give them a voice. I’ve never had any kind of advance warning when the bad days hit my husband – but I recognize what is happening and we do what comforts him most. I hope you find the peace you seek. You’re a wonderful and lovely person, and my wish for you is to have very few bad days. None would be better yet. But keep writing about it. A burden shared is always less heavy. Hugs.
Can someone point me to the correct tumblr account, please? There are a bunch of Wil Wheaton things there… thank you!
It’s wilwheaton.tumblr.com. I’ll update the post with a link.
Thank you… I probably don’t need to follow both but I am now. I find the way you share inspirational.
Every step along the road is progress. Whether you are currently coasting on level ground or grinding your way up a 10% grade gravel road in the dark and it’s raining, it’s all progress. Sometimes it’s easy, sometimes it’s hard. Sometimes it’s so hard that you want to give up, your brain will tell you that all the hard work you are putting in isn’t worth the progress you’re making. But it is. and, as I keep reminding myself, everything tat’s worth doing is difficult.
Keep moving, internet buddy. Keep making progress.
Oh, and thanks for sharing. I needed this today.
Thank you for this. I needed this today.
Thanks Wil x
That’s awesome, Wil, both from getting to a 1 to a 3 and also getting the ball rolling on a talk! I know myself, this morning, I guess I was like a 1.5… I REAAAAALLLLLY didn’t wanna get out of bed this morning but I had to force myself to do it. It only really got to a 2 by the end of my work day as I saw a bunch of people on the side of US Route 1 out in support of Mayor Andrew Gillum’s gubernatorial run.. That absolutely made me smile. Anywho, thanks for writing this. 🙂
I teach English to middle schoolers. I love your work and I love your perspective. If I had the funds to fly you to my hometown to talk to my class I would! Write on fellow warrior!
Your last two posts have really hit the mark! People all over Oregon read that spectacular piece you wrote yesterday because I sent it to them and they sent it to their circle of friends and so on. Today’s piece Is wonderful especially for those of us who suffer as you do from depression. Your thoughts are incredibly important to a whole wide swath of people and sharing them is important work. You’re a healer whether you know it or not. Your 72 year-old friend, Karen
I LOVE YOU, WIL WHEATON
As always Wil, keep sharing. Continue bringing us on your journey, and how you are using self care. You’re a beautiful soul Wil, and I am grateful that there is at least one person in this wide world who can totally relate to what i struggle with. You bring the world more light. Thank you thank you thank you for sharing that with us.
Thank you for sharing this. I needed this today.
Thank you for this post. I hope you know how many people’s lives you’ve touched, by your openness and honesty and your just being yourself.
Yes. Me too. I needed this today. You give me courage. Thank you! 🙂
Thank you again for sharing your struggles and your strategies for dealing with them. I am having a tough time this year. I am back on anti-depressants after being off for several years, and not sure if they are really helping yet, and struggling a bit with the side effects (The tinnitus is driving me nuts). It is good to be reminded that things will get better, and there are things I can do other than just my meds to make myself feel better.
Thank you so much for this. Today was a tough day for me. I ended up walking through the Christmas aisles in Target which helped out some, but I feel like these are things I can implement next time I’m having a rough day. I look forward to your posts and today’s was just what I needed. 💙
Thank you for sharing. Today I walked a few miles outside as well. While my intent was to get my dog outside, I realized when I got home it was medicine for me. This is weird, but watching my dog enjoy every leaf, greet all the people and take his sweet time in the bushes healed parts of my mind I didn’t realize were off. He found profound pleasure in being outside–sniffing at who-knows-what with no agenda or goal. Through the eyes (and nose) of my old dog, I felt happy and light after our mindless walk. I’m glad to hear you went from a 1 to a 3. 🙂
I just want you to know that you are one of my favorite people. We’ve only met once, and for you I’m sure it was a fleeting experience, especially because I could think of nothing witty or memorable to say, but it is a memory I will always treasure. You and Anne are the role models that I aspire to, the kind and generous and caring people that I try to be each and every day. There will always be hate and pettiness in the world, because too many people don’t know a better way to deal with their pain and their fear, but on the days when it feels like I may drown in all of the negativity, you and your wife are two of the positive beacons that I hold firmly in mind as proof that there is a lot of good in this world too, that there are people who genuinely care about making the world a better place, and this helps me find the strength to find my way back from the darker places in my own mind. So thank you. Thank you for caring. Thank you for trying to brighten the darkness. Thank you for honestly sharing your journey, especially the struggles, because it makes those of us who also struggle feel a little less alone. ❤
I love this! Thank you for helping to turn my day around a little. I had been a 1 all day.
Thank you for sharing, Wil. It helps me on my bad days as well. That I can read something and find comfort that I’m not alone, that you struggle with similar emotions. I’m glad your day went better than it started.
Wil, thank you.
Hard days suck. I hope it’s OK to share this here. This year, I realized (with the help of some amazing people) that I was suffering from anxiety. Medication and therapy and friends have helped me immensely. I watch for your updates and wonder how you have been.
I’ve not commented here before, but really wanted to say thank you for your support from across the inter-webs.
I hope today and tomorrow and the days that follow are filled with joy. If the days are dark, I hope you find your way through.
Hey Will. A things happened to me. I came across a sudden realization today. This was, while reading your post. Robin Williams came to mind. He was devoted to highlight everybody’s day, but his own. In the end, he needed just a bit of what he was giving. I was not a big fan of yours during STTNG. You were just OK. I loved Brent, Patrick, Michael and even Levar, but you rated just over Whoopie, Jonathan, Gates and Marina (the characters, not the people behind). Suddenly… Tabletop. Later on Big Bang Theory… Without me noticing, one of my multiple personalities or my evil twin started following you on WWdotnet. Turns out, you became a sort of inspiration, some kind of hose where you get a sip to challenge the starting day or week. Damn. I don’t mean the kind of: “Be happy, Will is having an emotionally worst day than you”, but rather: “Wow, the former Wesley is tackling life’s manure in a way I was afraid to acknowledge… maybe I can do the same”. So today I became aware that I had to share with you. Bill Wilson said “To the world you may be a person, but to a person, you are the world”. You, Sir, are a very important part of that world to me. I’m an artist. For two years now, I have met ends with what I paint for me, my wife and my son and daughter. But my real passions, my true calling, I haven’t abandoned yet, because you encourage people not to give up. I can share those ideas later, if you wish to hear about them, but I would need you to contact me as I don’t want them to go public till they’re cooked! Anyway, what I intended to say is ThHANK YOU for your constant reminder that we are human and thus can grow better and bigger each day. Im sure you are a pillar for others as well even if you aren’t aware.
This is just really lovely. And yes, you are enough.
Also, I’ve got a picture in my head of a dog with cute beard and it’s making me laugh.
That story made me smile. Lucky classroom.
Really enjoy seeing your blog posts pop up in my e-mail. Thank you for sharing.
60%! Finally someone successful who doesn’t spew that bull crap about 110% like us bottom feeders aren’t capable of understanding how super humans function. Thank you good sir for being human and sharing! Thank for helping me accept that my goal of 50% is reasonable!
Hope you have a great evening! Take care.
Dale
Oddly enough, today has been crazy hard here too. Not sure why exactly, Anxiety & Depression just rearing their ugly heads higher.
I’d get out of the house but it’s sadly pouring down rain, ruining the gardening plans that were supposed to happen today (public holiday for a horse race of all things here).
Instead i’m cleaning, trying to find what I love in the house under the dust, dirt & fur our two doggos seem to endlessly supply.
Hoping that in that act I can get off the 1 as well.
Take care, good sir.
I’m proud of you for getting out! Im working on motivation to do that.
Amen to the healing power of walking! I also take photos with my mobile and ring family and friends while out. The time flies.
It makes me sad that your brain is a dick to you. You are a good person and you deserve all the good things! <3
Thank you Wil. It does bring comfort to know that you struggle and yet still find a way through. I’m very thankful that you share these experiences. I think you inspire far more people than you realize. I am grateful for you.
That’s so cool. Keep writing, Wil!
Kermit yay gif
What a great string of events. A teacher tells his class something, they hear him, a student talks to her mom about it, you go for a walk, mom and then the student come out to talk to you, you say you will talk to the class…. What’s still to come is the teacher’s joy at seeing one of his favorites come to his class!
Wil, thank you for still being open and honest on social media even when you’re being brigaded. That takes strength and courage. Unsung and underappreciated by many but not unnoticed.
Please keep it up. I have to choose to stay alive everyday and it’s exhausting. Your posts help me . Truly.
I feeli like you and Matt Haig need to be friends.
Sending you tons of love and light. ❤️❤️ I understand. Thanks for sharing
Thank you for posting this … I’ve missed following your posts on Twitter, though I have immense respect for you for quitting. Thank you for keeping up this blog and sharing your thoughts. Needs more dog pictures though! 😉 At the risk of being redundant, thank you a third time (thrice and done) from a fellow 46 year old white guy suffering from random bouts of authorship. Peace!