I wrote this yesterday on my tumblr thing. I’m sharing it here for anyone who struggles with the same things I do.
I’m having a bad day. It happens. So I take my own advice for people who are having a bad day, and I get out of my house. I go for a walk. I work hard to push negative and hurtful thoughts out of my head, and I replace them with positive things. It’s little observations at first, like the trees are starting to drop their leaves, a dog has a cute beard, this person’s Halloween graveyard has tons of great puns in it.
I take this positive voice that’s enjoying things in the neighborhood, and I use it to talk to myself. I remind myself that my experience is valid, even if random strangers who know nothing about my experience tell me that it doesn’t, on account of my privilege and success. I remind myself that this terrible way I feel isn’t forever. I remind myself that my wife and children love me. I remind myself to make an appointment with my therapist.
I’ve walked a couple of miles by the time I get back to my street, and when I’m a few houses away from mine, I feel better. I still don’t feel good, but I’ve moved my day from a 1 to a 2 on my 5 point scale. It isn’t the 4 I am hoping to achieve, but it’s better, and just moving from 1 to 2 is enough.
I am enough. I am enough for my wife and my kids and my dogs, and I’m learning to be enough for myself. I’m learning to let go – trying to let go – of the pain I feel whenever I’m reminded that I’m not enough for at least one person who was until very recently in my life, because it’s not my fault.
One of my neighbors comes out of her house and tells me that her daughter’s English teacher is a fan of my writing, and when he mentioned it to her class, she told him that we’re neighbors. He was excited by that, and asked her to ask me if I’d come into the class to talk to them about writing and being a writer.
I tell her that I’d love to do it. I don’t tell her how humbling and overwhelming it is to feel wanted by someone because I’ve done things that matter. I hope she doesn’t see me squeeze the tears back into the corners of my eyes.
Her daughter comes outside, and we talk about me coming to her class to talk about writing and being a writer. She tells me how much her teacher loves me (those are her exact words) and I feel so lucky and grateful to have done something that somebody cares about, something that a teacher feels makes me worthy of speaking to a class of 11th graders.
So I give them my email address, and we resolve to coordinate with her teacher next week. I’ll probably go speak to her class sometime in December.
By the time I’m done talking with them, I have moved from a 2 to a 3 on my 5 point scale, and that’s a HUGE improvement over the 1 I was feeling when I walked down my driveway.
So I’m sharing this good news that I hope inspires and comforts anyone else who is having a bad day. It’s possible, through loving ourselves and allowing the kindness of others to get past our defenses, to turn a day that’s awful into a day that’s okay, and it can happen really quickly.
I’m glad I took my own advice, and I’m grateful that I have an opportunity to share it with all of you who are reading this.
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Wil, you said it is “humbling” to be recognized for having done something well, for accomplishing something. I feel the same way, but isn’t it funny that for some people, rather than feeling embiggened and important by recognition and praise, some of us feel uncomfortable and awkward by the experience! Not sure why that is…
My therapist and I worked on this a lot. I think it’s part of the whole self-esteem issue to not be able to easily accept praise as valid because we sometimes have such a low opinion of ourselves. I’m a people pleaser, but since my default was to assume I was a disappointment, any praise felt like it was condescending somehow. I’ve learned to deal with it, and I know that I’m pretty damned good at some things. It’s nice to have that validated, but I had to learn to accept it, not just eat all the negatives I encountered and carry those around and go back to them whenever something isn’t quite right. It’s a tough thing to overcome, especially if you feel you were never ‘good enough’ for someone important in your life.
You have to be good enough for you, now, and surround yourself with people who won’t weaponize your anxiety and self-doubt. Being in public view must be especially hard.
You are enough. You made it out of the house – that’s a major victory I rarely achieve on the 1 days. You are good, and you are enough.
Dude, I don’t know you personally of course, but in my book you’re a great guy. You know what I often do to cheer myself up a bit? I watch old episodes of TableTop, because it’s amazing to see you and your friends having such a great time and I can imagine myself fitting right into that (and yeah, I know it got rough on you the last seasons, and I understand why you stopped). So many things you did matter to so many people.
Of course, just like anyone else, you make mistakes sometimes, but the people who talk down on you… I can really only see that being projection of their own issues. I know that’s often the case for me anyway. I’ll do all kinds of stuff that I think wasn’t good enough and people will hardly notice, or wave it away when I mention it, but then I’ll suddenly get attacked on something that I didn’t do at all or with a interpretation of what I did so twisted they end up with the exact opposite. It’s generally not your actual faults people pick up on, but things that trigger their own issues.
When people are telling you you’re not enough, what they’re really saying is that you aren’t solving or hiding their own issues for them.
Thank you for sharing this. I’ve been having to tell myself similar things… This is temporary, it will be better soon… It’s a really nice day…PT went well….. It’s helpful to hear others use the same tools.
That is such a lovely story. Walking is such a powerful form of ‘practice’. You have become a flaneur!
I’m glad you took that walk and if I were a praying person I’d include your neighbour, her daughter and that teacher in my prayers.
However, you have an impact on so many people, people you have not met (and probably never will). People like myself. Through your empathic posts I have a much better understanding of depression and what it means for people who suffer from it. When my brother called me a few weeks ago and told me he felt bad I was finally able to really talk to him. I told him that all those terrible thoughts he had about himself and his worth (or rather his lack of worth) were just his depression talking. I told him he had to get back on his meds. I told him that I could not even begin to understand how he was feeling but that I read some stuff that made me understand it a bit more.
I believe this was the first time I ever mentioned aloud the word “depression” when we talked. My brother is better for now and even though my part in this was small the little good I did is all on you. Your posts gave me the courage to speak about my brother’s condition and you enabled me to better understand him.
Thank you. Keep fighting the good fight.
Gosh, how I needed to read this today. I started group therapy a few months ago, and the thing I’ve found most helpful is knowing how universal our secret feelings are, but we rarely talk about them. I appreciate you sharing your feelings. I appreciate (but wish you didn’t) the face that you understand how I (and others!) feel, and that the other side of the green grass is the same shade.
You are enough. Posts like this give me hope that I may get there someday too.
I recently started treatment for an eating disorder and I thought that dealing with food was going to be the hardest part. It’s tough, but nowhere near as hard as trying to believe that I’m enough. That I deserve to take care of myself, that I’m worthy of that.
Thank you for sharing when you have days like these, and the hope you find in them. I know I’m not the only one who appreciates it.
Wil, you are awesome. I know you make a difference, because this post made a difference to me this morning.
You’re an amazing person Wil. You may not know it, but things like this take me from a 1 to a 2. Just reading about you, your struggles, your solutions, your thoughts always help.
Dude. Keep your head up. Always. You’re a cool guy that leads a pretty cool life. The haters are just jealous. If you’re ever in the Detroit area, let me buy you a craft beer or an excellent cup of coffee.
I feel fortunate I don’t share this struggle. But many, MANY people do. People I know. People I love. People I admire. My wife who bravely stands in front of a class of 30 young adults every day with this shard of herself sticking out of her back where they can’t see it. She hopes they can’t tell she’s pretending it’s not there.
My own struggle is knowing I can’t help my wife in the ways I want to. And accepting that BEING THERE for my wife is enough. It feels like so little to me, yet so much to her.
My wife does walk therapy as well. She always invites me along. Do you find walking with others has the same effect, our is it more of a solitary process for you?
Wil, thank you so very, very much for continuing to post and be a voice for those who travel down dark paths, determined to get back to the light. I love your writing, and I love your acting. But so so so much more, I love that you have a family and real babies and furbabies who love you just for you, just as you are, the real you. More than anything, I wish you peace.
I’m not a doctor, but…
Okay, sure. I’m a doctor.
If you feel down, go to Siberia, carry log.
The thing I don’t understand…
He sees Adrian in the window and stares a silent farewell.
But then she’s there in Russia. They didn’t fly on the same plane?
Also, why did he leave his robot? I wanted to see the robot incorporated into the training montage.
When you go to Siberia, Wil, bring your robot. Pro tip.
Also also, if Siberia is too far, just go to Barstow for the afternoon. WITH YOUR ROBOT!
I want to see a movie called “Rocky 4a” where Rocky stays home with Adrian, but sends the robot to Siberia to train, carry the log, and such.
Then the robot steps into the ring with a very surprised Drago and brutally murders him in the first eight seconds of the match while Rocky and Adrian watch from their Philly telly and Gorbachev scowls at Russian coach guy… who then flies to Philly to train with log and make a better Soviet killbot.
Hi Wil,
You are more than enough. You make a positive contribution to other people’s lives. I have taught my teenagers Wheaton’s Law, and a version of the phrase you used today “No way out but through” has propelled me through challenging points in my life. Thank you for sharing with us.
I hope that you realize that you’re worth it. Social status doesn’t mean, that you have instant immunity. I enjoy listening to what you have to say, and your opinions matter to me. You’re a good dude, Wil. I hope that you find a way to shake your depression and anxiety. Your cause of depression and anxiety might go deeper than you think. The root of the cause might not be what you’ve previously talked about here. It might be something, you have suppressed, and it subconsciously digs at you.
That is great news and a wonerful persective to have. Thanks for sharing.
Wil, I have read your blog for a while, but it was when I read your post about night terrors being a form of panic attack that I realised the way I feel and the things I experience are not normal. I’ve been coasting along in a neutral apathetic funk for over a decade. Never bad enough to know it’s unusual, but always with really low dips. Since reading your blog I have realised that actually something is going on and I need to get checked out. Turns out I have Cyclothymia, a really mild form of bipolar disorder (yey, genetics!). This week I start meds, next week I start therapy. Thank you for being open about this. You woke me up to start actually start thinking something is not right. You contributed towards me getting help and therefore a happier life for me, my husband and my kids. From the bottom of my heart, thank you.
Don’t let ’em grind you down. EVERYONE’s voice counts and no one should be disrespected due to uncontrollable things such as how you looked and your parents’ socioeconomic status at birth.
People who try to get you down by throwing labels on you have a problem. It’s called trying to make themselves more valuable by tearing down others. It’s not worth storing that in one cell of your brain.
Walks are good. Often, the simplicity of nature clears the mind of the trash like that.
Dearest Wil, I only have one thing to comment : <3 §;c)
It’s supposed to be a heart for “love you”!
Thanks for sharing, Wil. I’ll try this next time. Also, congrats on that invite. If you lived a little closer to NY, I think a few people at my school would love to hear you speak.
Thank you, Wil. Yesterday my doctor decided it was time to prescribe medication for my depression. I was, am, both anguished and relieved with this news. Anguish comes from realizing I need a pill to help because I’m not strong enough on my own, the relief comes from the validation that I have a “thing” that can be helped, and not just a symptom of feeling sorry for myself.
I will get out of the house more, I will remember to notice all the little things that go into making up the bigger things in this life. Thank you for letting me know I am not alone, and for sharing what works, even a little, for you.
Thank you. This entry was definitely a comfort today, and contained advice that I used to help myself. 🙂
Thank you Wil. Your thoughtful and encouraging posts always seems to come at just the moment when I need them most. I’m going to leave this tab open on my computer for a while so I can reread your words and hold on to hope that I will forge a way through (the battle in my case being young onset Parkinson’s Disease and all the crap that comes with that.) Take care of yourself.
I know how it can be when feeling low or down. It may sound trite and like I am singing our praise but a couple years at Portland, OR Comic-con you spoke to a group in an auditorium. I originally went because I have been a fan of yours since TNG and Stand by me. I admit at first I was excited as a fan but you spoke about your experience and knowledge of Imposter Syndrome. Honestly it changed my life. I know we will never be friends or get to hang out to talk about nerdy stuff, depression, anxiety, and how to get through all that but know you have had an affect on this 40 something guy in Portland.
i bow before you, good sir. you are a true inspiration and – i dare say – a role model to lots of people in lots of ways.
Read this on your FB page yesterday too – thank you for sharing! I shared it on my feed, I thought it was inspiring and helpful.
Thank you for sharing that, Wil.
That’s so rad that you’re going to speak to the class about writing and such. School needs enlivenment, what with all the standarized education. 🙂
I asked a friend today where Wil Wheaton had gone. He pointed me at your blog post about That Other Place, which (happily) reminded me that you blog! I was even more elated to find that you had blogged recently!
“Yay! Wil’s still out there!”
I could go on about things that I’ve loved about seeing your presence online. You haven’t met me, and I haven’t met you, but I can relate to a few things (your wife’s trials have echoes of my own wife’s, for example, as has the helplessness you wrote about during that time been echoed every time I’ve had to be with her in an ER), and you can’t know how happy it makes me to see that you are still out there.
Despite your trials, despite the know-nothings who have so little good in their lives they have to throw their crap on others, you’re still out there, just trying to get through. For what it’s worth, that made my day.
I hope others continue to make your day brighter where they can.
Thank you for sharing. It is encouraging, I am having one of those low days today. It is awesome to get to speak with a high school writing class. Thank you for continuing to write and share with us all.
Thank you! Never doubt your value to those who matter most. You are just what they need and want, and you are who they love, as your real self. I’m glad you remind yourself of these things!
The title of this message caught my full attention. The phrase is not only something my ex-partner believes in, but is oft repeated by me to others struggling with bad days. The content of your message is exactly right, and poignant. Unfortunately. If you had not forced yourself outside you possibly would not have encountered the catalyst of reaching a 3. You did the next right thing. I, too, have noticed accomplishments or options which were manifested during the pursuit of what’s good for me. I recognize myself in your writing, and hear the truth in your pen. Yet I remain isolated in an overpriced dumpy motel room hiding from the world, paralyzed by my depression or perhaps simply avoiding the truth, that I have nearly blown through another $1,800 in disability payments with the help of vultures who circle around the third of each month. Tomorrow I’ll have no idea where I will lay my head. By 10 a.m. I will walk from here to the sidewalk and be home, which as it turns out, is often not where the heart is in the proverbial sense.
I know I need to act now before I have no money at all. So many have tried to help me. I am foreclosing paths I need to take and I know not why. Why I just sit here watching the BBC, CNN l, Star Wars and Star Trek movies from iTunes and the Next Generation on Netflix. What the hell?! I know what Captain Picard might say to me, but he is but a fictional character and this is real life yet not really living.
So many tell me, with the best of intentions, that I am so smart, I can get myself out of this. I’ve explained that being smart is not always enough, but the understanding of my statement eludes them. I don’t blame anyone for giving up on me. How could I when it is so abundantly clear that I cannot muster the drive to stop digging and get myself out of this ever deepening hole.
I loved my life once, at least, I loved the life this guy I once knew when I would glance at a mirror. I was accomplished once. I had a number of accolades. In the past. Is it that it’s easier just to hibernate? The path of least resistance? That’s not who I believed myself to be. And yet… I know that a part of the issue is the anchor I am unfairly burdened by at age 49 from when I was 16. It plagued me after having once been promised that nightmare to be over. I’ll have to leave that point unexplained as i would not presume to volunteer you as my counsel.
In any case, thank you for your words. Keep writing.
Best regards,
Kevan
I know for sure that people who have never experienced clinical depression can not even imagine having thoughts/feelings they can’t control, divert, or disregard. I know they don’t understand that we’re not doing this ourselves. Sometimes I relate mental illness to my grandmother’s dementia. Sometimes it seems like she has an inkling she’s not having applicable thoughts/feelings but she can’t do anything about it.
Thanks for sharing! Episodes of depression for me are several months long. I’ve never had a daily or even weekly change in thoughts/functioning. My last depression was 8 months long but was for sure exacerbated by menopause as I went from a 1 to a 2 on the 5 point scale after increasing hormone replacement! When I automatically go through a day without thinking that everything is pointless or complete and utter drudgery like getting in the shower, cooking, getting off the couch, pulling weeds, crocheting, seeing anyone or having to engage in a conversation, driving anywhere, I’m healthy. And it all has to do with medication for me. My last episode was due to a change in medication. When I got my medication back to where it was my thoughts changed like magic within a week. If you’re a 1 and you can leave the house and maintain a conversation with others, you’re awesome!! It takes an awful lot of willpower, energy, and courage to do that. I’m truly impressed!
Bravo! Applause! Ovation! You are showing people how to get through an episode and retrain the mind to something else!
Fact: the mind can only think of one thing at a time! Only each of us can decide and find the will to CHOOSE of the glass is half empty of half full! You know, after my fourth stroke, where YET again I had to start over. I realized that no medical professional had ever said to me> CJ, that person you were back in 2010 is gone. You have to figure out how to go forward and you have to do it learning new ways, because all your skills from before wont work! I set 8am for anger at God for doing this to me (I know) ad 6pm for grieving the loss of what I had been and had. Deep grieving with everything in me. In between, I just concentrated on moving forward one step at a time. I fhad co founded with 3 other women a non profit when 6 months later I had my first stroke. Wheel chair bound,,unable to speak when I came out, I found I was the last founder standing,. (others (found it too hard)
. I was faced with closing it down and going back to bed to think about how awful my life had become, or use my non-profit as my therapy and reason to get out of bed. Now it is a state wide non-profit! Me, I just flush all the toxic people down the toilet with the rest of the asswipe with out a second look back so that I can live life with those who respect and appreciate what I am!
Indeed – the only way out is through!
Wil,
Acts of service to others and the returns always brings with it greater comfort and confidence in ourselves……it’s the great healer.
I sure hope you do more Table Top game play and reviews…..your perfect for them and I immensely enjoy watching.
Also…..I am trying to find a gaming table like you use on the show, remember the brand name?
Thanks,
Darryl from Palmdale
P.S. It would be a blast playing a board game with you and your family.
I’m sorry to be so late tot he party – but I just visited the Pottermore.com site and discovered I am a Ravenclaw as well. I searched on the quote “‘wit beyond measure is man’s greatest treasure’” and found your webpage. I started reading some of your blog postings and I have to admit I was impressed. I’ve always been impressed by your celebrity accomplishments, but I started to see your flesh & blood qualities of real person – and I am happy to share the same Hogwarts classification with you. Keep on writing – I look forward to your continued honestly and insight.
Hope your next day is a 5 (😉)
Finding Wil’s site through searching for information and inspiration is SOOOOOO Ravenclaw! Go Ravenclaw!
Hello Wil, (I feel odd calling you that, and I hope you don’t mind, as we haven’t been formally introduced and I am 6 years older than you. I know – bizarre – but it’s the way I was brought up), I have only been following your blog for a few months, and this is my first time writing, so please allow me to concatenate my thoughts about my entire experience of your professional life here in a few brief words. I loved you in Stand By Me, although to be honest, I was focused on Kiefer Sutherland for most of the viewings (I think you can forgive me for that, I was 20 at the time it came out), and went on to be captivated by you in Star Trek – you were so wonderful!
So when I belatedly discovered that you were a writer and a blogger, I was very excited, and I have loved reading about your life ever since. This piece was sad, and at the same time very uplifting. I am so, so glad that you ended the day on a (relatively) high note. I don’t know you personally, but I care about you a lot. That sounds trite, like I care because you’re famous, but no, I care because you write about your situation so poignantly, and so you come across like a normal person. I have friends who are in the same boat as you, and I will recommend they follow you. I look forward to reading your books. Sorry to gush. I will stop now.
The main thing I wanted to say is that people care about you (outside of your immediate family); and that you are important, you are admired, you are loved. You are several other positive adjectives/adverbs, but this could go on for pages, so I will leave it there.
Or I could make it a weekly thing, if you want…:)
plus the Midterm turnout seems to be markedly up on the previous ones, and provoked The Donald into further public displays of petulance whilst everyone is watching
Thank you for posting. Needed it.
You make that first step, getting up and going out. I always feel better but sometimes, it’s hard making myself go.
Happiness in intelligent people is the rarest thing I know.
Ernest Hemingway
once, a long time ago
i worked as a busboy
there was anther busboy that worked there – ‘Beero’
Beero was as dumb as a rock
and one of the happiest guys
Now many years later
it’s hard explain the bad days to others
nice house, beautiful family, only normal worries
So when ‘everything looks ugly’
on those days
i try to remember Beero
if you think deep
if you care about the world
you pay the price
of being human
I’m glad to hear that this experience made that particular day so much better for you. I truly believe that sometimes the smallest things can make the biggest differences in our lives.
And if you hadn’t taken the effort to change the moment, you might not have gotten that offer to talk to the class, and that made such a big difference! Good on ya mate for walking out there with the backpack full of lead shot that is depression and making change happen for you and other people. That is REALLY FUCKING HARD as I know from personal experience.
Interesting article I saw on Slashdot today. Your views/feelings on social media are quite prescient. Not to mention spot-on, in my opinion.
https://tech.slashdot.org/story/18/11/12/1730204/researchers-say-social-media-can-cause-depression
Please keep sharing your thoughts and feelings with us.
I’ve felt that way many times in the past few months. College is getting to my head, I feel like I’m losing my mind because simple circuit problems that I used to be able to solve back in high school are suddenly the hardest thing in the world, and it’s disheartening. I sometimes feel so down on myself I skip class so I can get some school work done so I can improve on the stuff that’s giving me trouble… then I don’t and it sucks and I think I suck because I didn’t do anything really productive with the time I gave myself and I may have just been better off going to class…
I am glad your day got better. It is wise to take our own advice and please, Wil, never forget that you are enough. I appreciate you sharing your struggles. It is good for all of us that also struggle.
Thank you for being enough, and helping us recognise “enough-ness” in ourselves.
It’s so amazing to see someone in the public eye being willing to talk about depression and how it impacts their daily lives. My whole family has depression on some scale, and I’ve lost too many friends to suicide. I’m convinced so many people are suffering because there is still too much stigma and not enough understanding of how the chemicals in our brains alter our moods.
So thank you and Ann for being a voice of reason and being willing to talk out about your experiences so others can see they are not alone.