Earlier this week, I wrote this on my Facebook:
It was so long ago, the exact time is fuzzy. Maybe it was Fall of 1992, or early Spring of 1993. My friends and I were *deep* into Mother Love Bone, Soundgarden, Hole, and Nirvana.
My best friend, Dave, and I fancied our 20 year-old selves to be quite sophisticated, musically speaking, and we professed a specialized understanding and appreciation for Kurt Cobain’s lyrics that the people we disdained as “mortals” couldn’t even begin to fathom.
Sidenote: I’ve been listening to massive amounts of grunge and riot grrl for about a month, and I can honestly and embarrassingly admit that 20 year-old me wasn’t *nearly* as insightful, wise, and sophisticated as he thought he was. He really needed to shut up, and he did *not* have the understanding and appreciation of this music that he thought he did. I know this because 46 year-old me is finding things in these lyrics and albums that younger versions of me weren’t nearly mature enough to see.
So it’s late afternoon, and Dave and I are walking up Veteran in Westwood, to the loft that I share with Hardwick. On our walk, we pass a frat house. On this particular day, this frat house is blasting Nirvana’s “In Bloom” out of its open windows. Kurt Cobain screams, “he’s the one who likes all our pretty songs/ and he likes to sing along/ and he likes to shoot his gun/ but he don’t know what it means / knows not what it means / when I sing it.”
Dave and I look at each other, and the pure, unfiltered, raw and unadulterated CONTEMPT we have for the people in this frat (which I deliberately call a frat because it annoys the douchebags who join fraternities to meet other douchebags) can move mountains.
“These fucking guys,” I say, gesturing dismissively at the house.
“They don’t even know he is singing about THEM, man!” Dave finishes my thought.
It is only now, two and a half decades later, that I realize Kurt Cobain was singing about ALL OF US.
Oh, twentysomething Wil, you are such a privileged little white boy, and you have so much maturing to do. You’re doing the best you can, but … just slow your roll, kid.
I’ve been reflecting a lot on my twenties this week, as I have immersed myself in the music I loved then. I’ve been unpacking a lot of what and who I was then, and how he relates to who I am, now. One of those reflections inspired me to write this, today:
All this grunge and riot grrl I’ve been listening to has knocked loose a memory that’s kind of shameful and regrettable, and even though this probably doesn’t matter to anyone (least of all the potentially-offended parties), it bothers me, so if you’ll indulge me for a moment…
When I was a teenager, I loved punk and rap, because both forms of music were rebellious, and they talked about tearing down the power structure that oppressed people who didn’t look like me. My parents *hated* the music I liked, which helped me to come to love it. Funny how music does that.
Anyway, I think my introduction to grunge was Nirvana, which lead to Soundgarden, then Stone Temple Pilots, Smashing Pumpkins, and eventually to Mother Love Bone and the Melvins. These people spoke my truth, and they spoke what I wanted to *be* my truth, if that makes sense.
At some point in my late twenties, I kind of turned away from most 90s music, and went back to the Black Flag, Sex Pistols, X, Dead Milkmen, Dead Kennedys, Fugazi, and similar punk rock that shaped much of my identity and influenced me so profoundly when I was a kid. I felt like grunge was something that an immature version of myself listened to, while early punk was something a version of myself listened to while he was growing into his own identity. Does that make sense? I felt like young me got a pass on being an idiot, because he was young, while twenties me was judged more harshly because he was old enough to know better. At 46, I can look back on both versions of me with tremendous empathy, and know that each version of me was doing the best he could at the time. Someone once said if you don’t look back on your early twenties with mortification, you’ve fucked up somewhere along the way, and I tend to agree with that.
But this thing that I want to take responsibility for happened when I was in my thirties, *definitely* old enough to know better, and is an embarrassing and shameful example of Shitty White Boy Privilege.
Real quick, before I get into that: I watched Iggy Pop’s Epix docuseries, PUNK, and loved every second of it. I loved all the interviews and reflections on the early years of punk rock, going all the way to the MC5 and the Stooges in the late 60s, and I was grateful to realize that, while I was >just< too young for the 80s punk I loved, and >just< too old for the Warped Tour stuff that I still think is for children, I was *exactly* the right age for grunge. Nevermind hit when I was 19, and I was READY for it.
While 21 and 22 year-old me was running around acting like he understood Nirvana at a deeper level than most people (he didn’t), he discovered this album called LIVE THROUGH THIS. for the 5 of you don’t know because you just came out of a 30 year coma, that’s Hole’s big break through album. It is flawless, and I listened to it on cassette so much when I lived in France, I broke the tape. It was as important to me as anything else I’d ever listened to, even though I only understood a tiny percentage of the lyrics and images, because Courtney Love didn’t write it for shitty little privileged white boys like me.
In the PUNK documentary, they talk to Kathleen Hannah, who formed Bikini Kill (a group I am only a little ashamed to admit I just learned about this year). She talked about recording Rebel Girl and other songs on their debut album, and performing for audiences that were filled with privileged white boys like me, who didn’t have any idea how privileged we were, and feeling irritated because she didn’t make her music for me and idiots like early-twenties me. I’m glad I didn’t discover her and her band until this year, because I was WAY too immature to appreciate what she sang about, and what it meant to women. In fact, I’m confident that 20s me would have been shitty and dismissive and arrogant about the whole thing, because he was REALLY not aware of the bubble he lived in. I mean, he had his own issues and his own traumas and pain to live with (which is a big reason why he loved punk and grunge so much), but he was still a white boy in a white world, you know?
Okay, back to now.
When I was in my thirties, I thought it would be funny to declare on Twitter, “Live Through This is the best album Kurt Cobain ever wrote.”
I know. What an asshole thing to say, for so many reasons, which I’ll get to in a second. I’m willing to give that version of me a tiny bit of slack (I mean, like, a TINY bit), because he thought that EVERYONE knew Courtney Love had written that album, he was just doing some trolling to work up people who should know better, and … ugh, I hate that I have to admit this … “it’s just a joke, why are you taking everything so seriously.”
He knew better. I knew better. He thought he was being clever, but as Scalzi observes, the default fail mode of clever is asshole, and I was, in that moment, an asshole.
I reduced Courtney Love to Kurt Cobain’s girlfriend, and in so doing, I diminished EVERY woman who has ever worked hard to make something in any field. I diminished and insulted and demeaned every woman who has worked twice as hard as her male colleagues, for 80 cents on the dollar. And then, when I was called out for being shitty, I dismissed the fair criticisms and minimized my behaviour as “just jokes”.
For the last month or so, I’ve been listening almost exclusively to grunge and riot grrl from the 90s, and every day I think about this shitty thing I did, that I’m sure nearly everyone has forgotten. I’m sure Courtney Love doesn’t know I exist, and I’m sure she could not care less about what I think.
But I put something shitty into the world, at her expense and at the expense of more women than I can count, and I regret that. I’m embarrassed and ashamed, and I just want to publicly say that I’m sorry to Courtney Love and to every woman who was insulted, demeaned, and hurt by me being a shitty privileged white boy.
LIVE THROUGH THIS is an incredible album. It is one of the best albums of the 90s. It holds up today in ways that lots of music I was crazy about then does not. It’s a deeply affecting and powerful record that deals with painful subjects in ways that reclaim power from abusers and an abusive system. It’s the album I needed but didn’t deserve, and Courtney Love did an incredible job writing, performing, and recording it.
We all do the best we can, I think, and it is with that knowledge that we can be gentle and forgiving to younger versions of ourselves. However, the younger version of me that demeaned and diminished a woman for a cheap and lazy joke absolutely knew better, and he did it anyway. I did it anyway. I regret it, I’m am ashamed of it, and in order for 46 year-old me to forgive thirtysomething me, I have to take responsibility for what I did.
Is it the biggest thing in the world? Probably not, but it’s been bothering me, and owning my failure is the only way I’ll be able to let it go.
I’m so sorry, not just for this, but for all the shitty things I did to people who didn’t deserve it when I was young and foolish. I’m doing my best to be a better person now, and I hope that by sharing my personal failures, maybe it’ll help someone else who is now where I was then open up his eyes and make some changes in his life.
You are a man of integrity, which is why you care enough to grow. Thanks for that.
Great post, Wil. Being a few years younger than you, Nevermind was released in my early twenties, and I’ve always said that it was the one album, in my lifetime, that changed the course of rock and roll.
But I do struggle with the white boy privilege thing. I mean, I agree with you completely, but it is starting to feel like we, as white boys, are not really able to truly understand where art comes from. You know what I mean? If we are not people of color we don’t really and truly get Rap. If we are not from a poor, broken upbringing we don’t totally get Rock, especially Grunge. We can appreciate it, but not really “get” it. You are right when you say, they are not making their music for us. Not trying to start anything racial here at all, and I don’t mean any disrespect whatsoever, just saying my piece.
Thanks, as always, for sharing. Hope this isn’t seen as an insult in any way.
My thoughts couldn’t have been said better KimJ, thanks.
There are a number of incidents where I was most certainly being a world class asshole during my twenties, and looking back on them is embarrassing, and for some of those twenties-misdeeds, there is a tremendous amount of guilt and shame to go with that embarrassment. Fortunately, I’ve had the opportunity to apologize to a precious few of the receivers of my assholery, which I honestly think did a lot more for me than it did for them.
The only consolation I have for myself, and for you, is that at least we’re learning from our asshole selves, and we’re willing to try not to be assholes from here on out.
Thanks for sharing this. 🙂
Owning our past mistakes is how we work to become more. We all screwed up, over looked, assumed and got a lot wrong. The hope is that as we grow we recognize it and do what you did: take responsibility for it. And in the end, that we do better.
Thanks Wil,I think most of us did/said things to others we wish we could take back when we were young and naive..Guilt is a strange thing.
I think you’re too hard on yourself. And put too much weight on yourself for the things you do. Don’t look back…just look forward.
I enjoyed reading this whole post. First of all, thank you for being an example of how to handle past mistakes and guilt. We’re not born perfect, we’re not even raised perfect, it’s up to every one of us to be aware of what’s going on around you, adapt morals you weren’t taught, evolve as a decent human being.
Also I’m so happy I’m not the only one going back to the music I used to listen to once. As a 26 year old there is not much I can reflect on this far in the past, except for my teen years. The only direct way to revisit for me is through music, since it is through music I like to define myself. I used to listen to Nirvana as well, it was the only grunge I knew, because I was very uneducated considering past music eras. But thanks to you I have a lot of new grunge to look into now.
I often wonder if going back to my teen music means I’m living in the past and refusing to mature. But I guess, it’s not that superficial, huh? It’s also like discovering something you already know in a new light. But it’s also a bit like time travel. Or like looking into my personal Pensieve. And while this explanation should be enough for me, I’m happy to know other people sometimes do that, too.
I’m definitely not Courtney Love, but I am a woman who worked with guys who never woke up about women’s strength and power. Reading this gives me hope that people can wake up and see truths, and make amends, long after the fact. So thank you for writing this, Wil. I was literally in tears that last few paragraphs, that’s now much this meant to me.
Oh Wil! Of all the assholes I’ve known, and there have been quite a few, I’m almost positive that the guy you were in your twenties and thirties was seldom rude or insensitive. The reason I know that is the few times that you did exhibit such behavior they stand out in your mind and heart as regrettable. If you had been that way all the time, those incidents would just be a blur as your “normal asshole” conduct and you would not remember them with such clarity. I can say, without hesitation, that I consider you a feminist, albeit a manly man one…. but extremely and acutely aware of the feelings of others, no matter the gender. And you approach most subjects (and I say most because we all lose our filters and/or patience from time to time when confronted with arrogance, cruelty and/or stupidity) with kindness and respect. No worries, my friend. The very best thing is that every day you are better than your former self.
This is beautiful. I went through something similar recently, so this really resonates. Thanks, Wil.
There should be annual occasions in which we gather around a bonfire and burn letters of apology to those we’ve offended–which includes every asshat thing we’ve said, done, or considered doing in the year. (This is for people who don’t have confessionals, obviously.)
You’d pick your worst offense, stand before your tribe, and relate your most grievous sin. They could choose to pelt you with rocks or olives–whatever is handy–or they can forgive you your knuckle-headed ways. Maybe there would be a guitar softly weeping in the background for ambiance. Perhaps we could put it the day after Thanksgiving instead of going to stores to worship at the alter of consumerism. Perhaps call it a Day of Forgiveness? Some might need a more frequent attendance…
Wil’s post has given me a bunch to think about – I’m a year or two older, but lived sufficiently far from the US/UK that things took a while to percolate in those days. It feels familiar, and I’m a little leary to do the same sort of revisiting for the same reasons. I think Forgivingsday should be the day BEFORE Thanksgivings day. That’ll make for some fun dinner conversations!
See:
Yom Kippur, Day of Atonement
Tashlikh (ritual), on or after Rosh Hashanah
Then:
Tikkun Olam, the work of repairing the world
This is quite a naked post, and we appreciate you even more for making it. It helps all of us open our eyes to our own behavior, past and present, and encourages us to become just a little bit better.
When you’re 15, you think you know everything…until you’re 25 and realize you were an idiot at 15…then you hit 35 and realize you were an idiot at 25. When you’re 55, you realize how dumb you were at 45. I’m 59, and wise enough now to realize that when I’m 65 I’ll know the current me didn’t know nuthin.
So true. It’s a vicious, wicked cycle.
Over the half century mark, I’ve concluded that nostalgia is almost always poisonous. Or rather, I should say it’s a gateway to a kind of mental addiction and deep despair. Like alcohol really. And, of course, the two often go together. I should also add that they are both delicious in limited doses, but become unruly in short order.
Religion, ghost stories from a distant past. Politics, longing for a “better” time that was never better. Reflections on art and culture when things were “real” and life was “full” or whatever. The latter peak usually pegged at our “coming of age.” Looking back on lost loves, departed loved ones. Missed opportunities. My dog. That bike. That street. The neighborhood.
It’s a dead end. And serves no purpose. And our monkey species really, really needs to stop.
Couple of days ago I finished watching all of the original Twilight Zone episodes, an exercise I recommend to all. It’s amazing how most of the episodes are a rather treacly take on nostalgia. A longing for a younger you, a brighter past, a better society. It holds up well, but much of it is transparently a proxy for the people who controlled the show. And omitted were the advert breaks to smoke your way to pleasure, wash your clothes with our special double happy family soap, and always use gas to heat your chops.
Our human propensity for fixating on the past and ignoring the unpleasant consequences in the present and future is likely to doom us all, and many species unfortunate enough to share this place with us. So… have a day! Your pal, Some Guy. Still in China and still seeing the endgame up close.
As I said, there are many (most) episodes of The Twilight Zone (the original series) that deal with nostalgia, but two stand out as offering different perspectives on the topic.
In “Kick the Can,” (S03E21) a group of geriatrics literally return to youth and leave their present behind. But in “The Incredible World of Horace Ford” (S04E15) a man who visits his past decides his memory of that golden time was not as golden as he thought, and he becomes committed to his responsibilities and true happiness in the present.
All Twilight Zone episodes are recommended, but these stand out. By the way, if you watch the original Twilight Zone episodes, you will literally see the template for every TV show you have ever watched. That show did it all.
(Also, yes, I just spoiled those episodes’ twist endings for you, but in my view the statute of limitations for spoilers has expired after five decades). I’m Spudnuts, and I approve of coffee as an ice cream flavor in most cases, but not all, let’s be reasonable.
it’s interesting to me, as I have not been living under a rock for 30 years, that I have never heard Live Through This. I was a punk rocker, and thought Kurt Corbain was crap. Never listened to him, or Courteny Love, except by mistake at a party or something.
it’s nice, you going to all this trouble, to right a wrong you think you made . But anyone who knows you, or your writing, knows that you didnt reduce Courteney Love and all Women to mere girlfriends. People talk
people post. I’m more into to music than most people I know, but Kurt Corbain? totally skipped him. you made an assumption about world views, and music, and put yourself in the spot as a bad guy. sorry, but you are not a bad guy. your efforts towards righting the worlds wrongs are appreciated, though.
Especially by this old, female , punk rocker, who now has to go listen to some Hole and see for herself what the fuss was about.
Thank you for your honesty, Wil. Quite frankly, I’m sure everyone on this planet has f-d up or said or posted hurtful and unthinking things via conversations or social media. You expressed opinions that were from the you back then. Now you are grown up and have learned from these actions and words. That’s what makes you Wil. Thank you for letting us in on the ride.
Wow. VERY powerful post, Will. Thank you for so honestly, so sincerely including us in your innermost reflections and forces of being. Who can’t relate to that sassy, know-it-all twenty something? That cavalier thirty something? That gaining-wisdom forty something? Each complete with careless flings of acts and words. I loved that you ultimately took responsibility for your “thoughtless” words and forgave yourself. And that your crafted share encouraged us to reflect and do the same. Thank you!
This makes me miss Radio Free Burrito so much!
Me too. I wish I had the time to do it more regularly.
46 and you still have hang ups about frat guys?
That’s your takeaway?
Hugs friend. =)
You are learning from it, and that should be respected. We all do shitty things: sometimes thinking that the shitty thing was the right thing to do, sometimes thinking it was just to be funny, and sometimes with the full intent to be shitty. But you not only have the courage to admit it, but you also wish to learn from it and to better yourself through that experience. I think that is admirable. Your post here is great and something I needed to hear as well. Thanks for sharing!
Hi Wil! My oldest daughter is currently 19, but she started listening to HOLE at a young age, and at first I thought it was too mature for her. But then I realized that she was more mature than I was at her age. Fast forward to last year, when both my kids are in the car with me, one 5 yrs old and the other 19, and they BOTH start belting out Violet. It was a great moment, maybe a wee bit scary but still a great moment. We can’t help what we love, but we can share it and let it foster others into greatness.
I think it’s healthy to periodically re-evaluate one’s perceptions. It demonstrates growth. And we naturally “get” things better than we did in our teens and 20s, but I think teen naïveté and pretension has its place, and it’s kind of infuriatingly charming. I roll my eyes when I hear it, but I also kind of shake my head and smile. It’s just part of being young and finding yourself, nothing to look back upon with regret. Especially considering all the scrutiny on you at the time.
We practically heard the same music 🙂
But don’t forget the Pixies work and the Sonic Youth “dirty” album, which was and is huge!
Dear Wil,
Your writing and your insights are wonderful. That said, I needed to bring up one thing you said that kinda hurt. You may want to amend the comment referring to those of us who don’t know “Live Through This” as being “in a coma”. You had me up until that point, then I didn’t want to read anymore.
30 years ago, I was busy falling in love with others songs, other music that I had available to me in my world. Besides that, I, like many others, was busy raising children, and working, short on sleep, only listening to music in the car to and from work or while working in the kitchen. Some of us were busy surviving.
I hope you will not keep that comment. Life was very tough for a lot of us back then and I would hope that you would not be unkind.
A Fan,
Cathy C.
Thank you for writing this. I behaved similarly when I was that age in that era, infuriated anytime someone I considered a jock or a frat boy was listening to Nirvana and Nine Inch Nails. I remember that feeling of indignation so clearly, like they were stealing something from me. Of course, now I’m older and can look back and realize that we’re all in this swirling bowl of soup together, and people can listen to whatever the hell they want to without having to pass some kind of test to prove that they’re qualified to listen to it.
Good on ya for owning up to Courtney Love thing. I’ve got plenty to apologize for myself from my youth, and you’ve given me some ideas on how to address them!
<3
Yep, I was 20 back in ’85 and dumb as a stump. Of course I never thought I was dumb as a stump, but I was. And one thing I’ve come to appreciate, real wisdom is when we can look in the mirror and confront your inner asshole, and see what kind of dickhead’s we really are*. It’s a bit harsh, but none of us are perfect. It’s not always fun to see the truth in ourselves, but no one changes or grows without embracing truth and confronting ourselves and eventually forgiving ourselves. I’d give you a tip o’ the hat if I had one.
And sorry but I was never into Curt Cobain (much) or Courtney Love. Not that I think they sucked (they didn’t) but i was more into Tears For Fears, Annie Lennox, Peter Gabriel and Radiohead kinda stuff. Still, I did crank Soundgarden up loud enough to annoy my landlady and send her scuttling off to pray for my soul.
*Individual results may vary.
You are 10 years older than I am, however because of my childhood situations, I listened to the same music at the same time as you did. I often look back much in the same way when I am drinking and listening to the television, distracted by code, and hear an old 90’s song, then I youtube it and get stuck in the amazing 90’s hole for a few hours.
So I would like to take a moment and share some of the songs from the 90’s that I feel MAKE the 90’s feel like the 90’s. Maybe some of them are some you overlooked and forgot about, I know it always takes me back to a very cool time in my life: TLC, No Doubt, Alice in Chains, Local H, Snow, Smash Mouth, Bush, Savage Garden, Smashing Pumpkins, Garbage, Bare Naked Ladies, Cake, Collective Soul, Sponge.
I loved this post, Wil, so I retweeted it as THE way to apologize for past Social Media mistakes. I hope that’s okay.
Wil,
I”m so glad you wrote this, because I actually do remember when you wrote that comment, because I love both Hole and your work, and I felt it was so uncharacteristic of you. I responded to you as such back then.
It was on my mind when I started reading this post and you mentioned your love for Hole in the first few sentences- the disconnect only increased until finally you addressed it.
Any love for the Celebrity Skin album? The title song during the end credits of Captain Marvel was great, but the nitpicky nerd in me would’ve preferred the chronologically correct “Violet” instead. (That never would’ve happened) I do think “Malibu” might be my favorite Hole song. So heartbreaking.
Take care!
Charles
I do remember when you tweeted that and I took it at face value as an insult to Love. Lots of people believe that Cobain wrote her songs so I assumed you were just one of “those guys”. “Those guys” includes my husband so I previously went through the phase of mild disappointment and moving on from it with him. There must be some dissonance there because he likes Nirvana but won’t listen to Hole, but if you think Cobain wrote those songs shouldn’t you like Hole also? ANYWAYS, I digress.
As a random person who lost a tiny bit of respect for you back then because of that tweet, I wanted to let you know I appreciate the apology and am glad you put this out there.